aRTy without the Drivel!

The beauty of a “Doctor Who” Radio Times cover is that you can admire the visual without having to listen to what passes for a script in this day and age, not unlike watching Girls Aloud or the Sugababes on television with the sound switched off!

The opening couple of minutes of “The Next Doctor”, seen twice on “Children in Need”, showed exactly where Russell’s mind is at, regarding a possible future incarnation of the lead character… and I’m talking about the Doctor, not his companion! The next Doctor’s few lines of dialogue were enough to present its audience with an identikit version of the current incumbent of the TARDIS.

I believed David Morrissey would make an interestingly swarthy Doctor, well before I knew he’d been cast in this year’s Christmas Special. When I saw him as Colonel Brandon in “Sense and Sensibility”, at the very beginning of the year, I thought there’s your man!

But, folks, like Mr. Morrissey’s immediate predecessor and his predecessor before him (that’s Chris Eccleston, if you’ve lost me!) Morrissey’s Doctor is incorrigibly rude and very up his own bottom!! RTD’s Doctors will always be characterised thus so it doesn’t really matter who the eleventh Doctor will be…

More pertinent a question is whether or not the style of writing will change radically under a new leadership, if indeed there really is a new man at the helm of “Doctor Who”. Russell, it seems, is holding onto the reigns of “The Sarah Jane Adventures” which also refuses to move forward following the introduction of… yawn… a new family. Pretty as Rani is, she has yet to make her mark!

I’m ever hopeful “The Next Doctor” will surprise me. I know David Morrissey is simply playing what’s written, and following orders like John Simm before him, but I’m praying the new arrival will still shine, despite!

Three reasons to look forward to the “Doctor Who” Christmas Special include David Morrissey, the return of the Cybermen (even despite their bastardisation, it’s about time a familiar foe was featured in a festive instalment), and the fact that part of the story was filmed in College Green in my hometown.

Who Survives(?)

“Doctor Who” celebrates its forty-fifth anniversary today and there’s not a single programme on television to mark the occasion!

“The Bill” recently celebrated its twenty-fifth year, ITV slipping in a couple of special episodes just in the nick of time, before giving over most of its precious airspace to jungle idiocy. So, why can’t the BBC manage something similar, between dancing bouts, for its flagship science fiction series, especially now they claim it’s so popular once again? Too busy trying not to hurt the feelings of Jonathan Ross no doubt!

Ironically, the BBC are resurrecting Terry (Dalek creator) Nation’s post-apocalyptic “Survivors” tonight, based on his highly original novel and television series from the mid-Seventies. I don’t know whether I should be excited or give up the notion of ever seeing anything as remotely creative as television once was.

“Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)”, “Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons”, “Doctor Who” and now “Survivors”… what are the chances of the latter being as good, second time around, considering the quality of those other revivals when compared to their originals? The changes to the structure of the programme don’t bode well…

Two of the three lead characters of the original first season of “Survivors” are now a politically-correct shade of black while the endearingly brilliant Talfryn Thomas, as Tom Price, has morphed into Mr. chunky-hunky Max Beesley.

The new “Survivors” is brought to the Beeb by the same team who sold ITV “Primeval”. Fun as that was, the present undertaking needs to be grim.

It’ll be interesting to see how “Survivors” fares in the ratings up against the aforementioned, oh-so-popular, celebrity lunacy. I won’t hold my breath. Or, perhaps I should, given the nature of the epidemic! People want fun and what better way to have it than see people humiliated down under, credit crunching on bugs. Hopefully, “Survivors” will be intelligent, at the very least…

“Survivors” is the closest we’re going to get to “Doctor Who” (1963-89) tonight, to which I wish a very Happy Birthday!

Learning Curves

Supermodel Lily Cole has made her debut on the cover of French Playboy. The Marks and Spencer model has her hair in pigtails and is wearing only white socks for the cover shoot. She is seen clutching a giant teddy bear to her breasts, strategically positioned between her legs, and is pictured above the tagline Sweet Sixties Lily Cole. Flame-haired Cole, 20, has posed for a 14-page spread inside the men’s magazine. The shoot is said to have been inspired by the cover of French musician Serge Gainsbourg’s 1971 album “Histoire de Melody Nelson”.

Even before the pictures were published, some Christian groups immediately condemned the Playboy images as degrading without actually having seen them! They have called on customers to boycott M&S, saying the store is indirectly supporting Hugh Hefner’s notorious publication by continuing to employ Cole. But a spokesman for M&S said, “It’s entirely her own choice as to what other work she accepts and we would not wish to interfere with her career.”

“St. Trinian’s” star Lily deferred her place at Cambridge University. She won a place at King’s College two years ago to study social and political sciences but took two gap years off to concentrate on her modelling career. She has now switched to the three-year history of art degree. Miss Cole is also rumoured to be dating actor Jude Law, 35, after they were spotted together in public on several occasions during the summer. And there was me, 49, thinking I was in with a chance!

Dreamy Lady

The Second Season of “The Tudors” concluded recently on BBC Two and was promptly released on DVD on Monday, as was a set containing both last year’s run together with this latest offering. The total of twenty episodes reached a grisly culmination with the heartless execution of Henry VIII’s second wife Anne Boleyn. I think this was a shame! And, for all her stoicism, I expect she probably thought the same!!

Why do you think Anne’s death was a shame, Tim, I hear you all cry? Well, it means actress Natalie Dormer won’t be in the next series! History should’ve been rewritten in order to accommodate a lady with such gorgeous eyes. Some may think them narrow but that is part of her beauty. She positively smoulders.

Even when in danger of losing it, the girl kept her head! The doomed royal had Hans Matheson hear her last confession… that she hadn’t actually done anything wrong!!

Ironically, Hans, as the dastardly and corrupting Alec d’Urberville, in “Tess of the d’Urbervilles”, had donned preacher’s robes over on BBC One, whereupon one of our heroine’s milkmaid chums comments that he doesn’t look much like a man of the cloth…

Obviously, the producers of “The Tudors” thought otherwise. But, Hans could do nothing to save the lovely Natalie, despite the repeated postponement of her wanton slaying due to the late arrival of the axe man. And, I’m not talking guitar heroes here!

Tess’s Lament by Thomas Hardy

I

I would that folk forgot me quite,
Forgot me quite!
I would that I could shrink from sight,
And no more see the sun.
Would it were time to say farewell,
To claim my nook, to need my knell,
Time for them all to stand and tell
Of my day’s work as done.

II

Ah! dairy where I lived so long,
I lived so long;
Where I would rise up staunch and strong,
And lie down hopefully.
’Twas there within the chimney-seat
He watched me to the clock’s slow beat -
Loved me, and learnt to call me sweet,
And whispered words to me.

III

And now he’s gone; and now he’s gone; . . .
And now he’s gone!
The flowers we potted perhaps are thrown
To rot upon the farm.
And where we had our supper-fire
May now grow nettle, dock, and briar,
And all the place be mould and mire
So cozy once and warm.

IV

And it was I who did it all,
Who did it all;
’Twas I who made the blow to fall
On him who thought no guile.
Well, it is finished - past, and he
Has left me to my misery,
And I must take my Cross on me
For wronging him awhile.

V

How gay we looked that day we wed,
That day we wed!
“May joy be with ye!” they all said
A-standing by the durn.
I wonder what they say o’us now,
And if they know my lot; and how
She feels who milks my favourite cow,
And takes my place at churn!

VI

It wears me out to think of it,
To think of it;
I cannot bear my fate as writ,
I’d have my life unbe;
Would turn my memory to a blot,
Make every relic of me rot,
My doings be as they were not,
And gone all trace of me!

Paranoid Android

The Second Season of “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” has begun broadcasting in the States with a surprise piece of casting. In retrospect, the addition of Shirley Manson, lead singer of rock band Garbage, to the original team of actors shouldn’t have caught me unawares, due to the recent penchant for substituting pop stars for actresses in science fiction, but, nonetheless, I was slightly taken aback. I think that’s probably down to the fact that unlike Billie Piper, Hannah Spearritt and Kylie Minogue, Shirley Manson at least has some credibility! The difference is that Scot’s lass Shirley hasn’t built her career on a succession of namby-pamby pop hits exploiting the easily satisfied. I mean, let’s be honest, who on earth handed Billie her initial success for “Because We Want To”?!! It’s unmitigated dross. But, she wouldn’t have landed her plum role in “Doctor Who” without it! And, while Garbage isn’t exactly Beethoven, “I’m Only Happy When It Rains” is a step up from the likes of songs in the mould of “I Should Be So Lucky” or “Don’t Stop Moving”!! Some may argue each to their own, in defence of the Pied Piper, but what makes Billie anymore suitable a piece of casting, in a serious sf series, than the much-maligned Bonnie Langford? If Bonnie was wrong for “Doctor Who”, because she lacked the necessary authority, why, twenty years on, do fans who criticise her then accept someone equally suspect of wanting in gravitas?

Shirley Manson has yet to prove herself as an actress, of course, but her image, in the rock arena, is that of a tough cookie. “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” is a hard-as-nails series so it’s likely to suit her perceived persona. There’s no light relief waffle about handy hands in this show! She trained at a theatre school before joining a band so, like Billie Piper, it could be claimed Shirley is returning to her roots. In “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”, Manson plays both Catherine Weaver, the CEO of a major technology company, ZeiraCorp, and also a new type of liquid-metal terminator, T-1001, sent by SkyNet to continue the hunt for the Connor family. In addition, she sings the Blind Willie Johnson song heard in the opening scene of “Samson and Delilah”, the first episode of the new season. The episode concludes with an already much-discussed cliff-hanger in which one of the characters, about to take a leak in the men’s washroom, suddenly observes the urinal before him morph into Miss Manson! Happens to me every time I feel the call of nature!! One can only hope she managed to complete the transformation before the possibility of receiving what she herself sings about in the Garbage song “When I Grow Up”. And, before you all rush off to checkout the lyrics, let me reassure you that the guy - having royally pissed her off - is, naturally, quickly dispatched in a manner similar to one of the early death scenes in “Terminator 2: Judgment Day”.

Flower Power

There I was quietly sitting there, minding my own business, when suddenly my ears pricked up on hearing the strains of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” emanating from the television set. Immediately, I looked up. I’m not one for watching commercials. Can’t stand the things if I’m honest. Someone once told me the ads are better than the programmes but I remain unconvinced. Perhaps they are, I just don’t watch the poorer shows the better advertisements, periodically, interrupt. On this occasion, however, it was worth my while. I was greeted with the telly vision that is catwalk model-turned-actress Lily Cole. She really is a stunner. I must have a thing for fiery redheads because the other lady for whom I have a burning passion is, of course, t.A.T.u.’s Lena Katina. These two gorgeous-looking young women top and tail the three hundred-picture twenty-minute slideshow you can view at the foot of this blog. If I had my very own TARDIS, I know which two ladies I’d want to be my companions and their names aren’t Billie Piper or Catherine Tate! Although, even they would be preferable to Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway!! But, why I particularly dislike those two GMTV “presenters” - journalists my arse - is the subject for another day…

The advert in question turns out to be the latest trendy promotion for the Marks and Spencer chain and, in particular, their fashion line. Set on a fairground, other attractions, besides our Lily, include sold-out classical musician-turned-pop-star-turned-television-presenter Myleene Klass and Sixties’ fashion icon Twiggy. Black model Noémie Lenoir sports two sets of natty-looking undies, not at the same time you understand! These include polka dot panties, which she wiggles in close up, and a rather fetching set of pink bra and knickers to match the candy floss on which she is nibbling. I was going to say munching but being a slim model that’s probably unlikely! I expect you can tell, I was paying especially close attention to detail!! It’s all very fast, very slick, very stylish, and unburdened with product detail - different to those commercials insistent on telling you the price of everything where you end up remembering absolutely nothing. “Fashion Fairground” simply promotes a brand. If you’d like to watch it, without sitting through numerous commercial breaks hoping for an appearance from the lovely Lily, simply click on the link on the right to my “Jukebox”! “Put on your red shoes and dance the blues”!! Watching her figure, I can tell you that, at the start, sadly, and I know it’s a missed opportunity, Lily doesn’t actually lick her lolly!!!

Warden’s Watch: Bonekickers & Spooks: Code 9

The BBC doesn’t seem to be having much luck with some of its latest fantasy-drama output! I watched the first episode of “Bonekickers”, “Army of God”, on BBC One, and decided that, amongst its many faults, the series’ title is four letters too long!! I didn’t watch any more, not feeling the need to dig deeper into this illogical archaeological nonsense. I tuned in, in the first place, because “Bonekickers” is written and produced by the same team who brought us “Life on Mars”, and that series’ excellent sequel “Ashes to Ashes”. And, because Martha’s sister, from “Doctor Who”, is in it! I can only presume “Bonekickers” is an attempt to replicate “The Da Vinci Code” for television with a touch of “Indiana Jones” thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately, it appeared ludicrous and, with the inclusion of a gratuitous decapitation of a Muslim, at the hands of ex-“EastEnders” actor Paul Nicholls, over the top… I believe a second series has already been commissioned!

Hot on the heels of the BBC One disaster, and switching to BBC Three, follows “Spooks: Code 9” which I haven’t really warmed to either, although, in this case, I have stayed with the series so far. That’s probably, solely, because Georgia Moffett plays one of the MI5 operatives! I am a fan of parent series “Spooks” and especially enjoyed its Fourth Season, when the show seemed to start all over again with renewed grit and determination. The spin-off killed one of its main characters in the opening episode, obviously inspired by the notorious demise of Lisa Faulkner’s character, Helen Flynn, in the second episode of the original. “Torchwood” had already copied “Spooks”, in killing off Susie, in its debut story so, by now, it’s all getting to be rather old hat. The remaining cast of hip young things with poor diction, in “Spooks: Code 9”, includes (from left to right) Andrew Knott as Rob, Georgia Moffett as Kylie, Heshima Thompson as Jez, Liam Boyle as Charlie, Ruta Gedmintas as Rachel and Chris Simpson as Vik… Only two more episodes to go, thank goodness!

Time Lord Pensioned Off

Happy 65th, Sylvester! Today (August 20th, 2008), Seventh Doctor Sylvester McCoy turns sixty-five and becomes a pensioner!! He played the Time Lord for forty-two episodes, over three seasons, between 1987 and 1989. Each of his series consisted of four three-or-four part stories divided between fourteen episodes making a total of twelve “Doctor Who” adventures in total. Sylvester reprised the role, quite substantially in 1996, in the first third of the American TV movie before handing over the mantle to Eighth Doctor Paul McGann. Bonnie Langford played companion Mel during Sylvester’s first year while Sophie Aldred joined during “Dragonfire” and stayed for the duration under the moniker “Ace”! His stories are a mixed bag but, then, that’s the case for every era of the programme. Percentage wise, the actor does pretty well in the classic stakes! I would claim that, of McCoy’s dozen tales, a third of them should be regarded as “Doctor Who” classics. Best of all is “The Curse of Fenric”, a story steeped in Norse mythology set during the Second World War. “Ghost Light” some fans find overly complex but is a lovely little thesis, disguised as costume drama, supporting the ideology of Richard Dawkins who, recently, made a brief cameo in the new version of the series. “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy” is set in a circus, partly filmed in the BBC car park and all the better for it, again inspired by Norse myth, while “Remembrance of the Daleks” opened Sylvester’s Second Season and, following a couple of shaky years, bred new life into the show.

Of the other eight titles, most are worthwhile. From Sylvester’s debut season, I’m quite partial to “Paradise Towers” and “Delta and the Bannermen”. The former is written by Stephen Wyatt who the following year went on to write “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy” and whom I consider the most imaginative of the writers of this period of the programme. “Paradise Towers” isn’t to everyone’s taste but at least the domestic element, involving older “Rezzies” (residents) feeding off the youthful female “Kangs” (colour-coded gangs), integrates better into the narrative than any of today’s offerings! “Delta and the Bannermen” is just great fun and anyone who isn’t carried along with this holiday-camp nonsense probably has no joie de vivre! “Silver Nemesis” was the 25th Anniversary story, essentially a reworking of “Remembrance of the Daleks” but with Cybermen. It did include some gritty battle sequences to contrast the humour of the good Doctor showing his usual politeness (in raising his hat) towards the present monarch whilst walking her corgis! My favourite director of the period was Alan Wareing. He was as tough as Graeme Harper, from earlier in the decade, but shied away from showing as much violence on screen. Alan helmed “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy”, which went out as the climax of Sylvester’s Second Season, as well as “Ghost Light” and the Seventh Doctor’s ironically titled swansong “Survival” which reintroduced a much-reinvigorated Master and concluded the era and classic “Doctor Who” on a high.

If I Were Davros…

It’s no secret that under Russell T. Davies I’ve found “Doctor Who” to be severely lacking! Whereas “Fury from the Deep”, a six-part story from the late Sixties, carries an inspiring ecological subtext about the dangers of not replenishing the Earth’s natural resources upon bleeding them dry, modern “Doctor Who” appears to be about nothing in particular except sitting on your arse all day watching the telly on a council estate! No wonder I feel cheated!! If I wanted to watch the latter, I could tune into crap like “EastEnders” or open the back door. I want to watch the former served up as a metaphor featuring weed creatures rising up out of the sea to take their revenge with the aid of poison gas exhaling humans. I want terror not soap. So, if I was about to inherit the mantle of show runner instead of Steven Moffat, how would I go about correcting the numerous mistakes made over the last four series? How would I make “Doctor Who”? What would I do if I had the power, if I were Davros…

The first change I would make to “Doctor Who” is in doing away with the single episode story. They do not give enough time for character or plot development and have all but removed the all-important cliff-hanger from the programme. At present, each season gives the viewer ten stories over thirteen episodes. Keeping the thirteen forty-five minute episode format, I would reduce the number of stories to six, five two-parters would be followed by a concluding three-part season finale. This would also be more cost effective in that you are reducing the number of opening nights by four. Jon Pertwee’s producer Barry Letts was very aware of how best to utilise the budget over a full season.

My next major change would be to do away with the season arc. Under Russell, we’ve had Bad Wolf, Torchwood, Saxon and, most recently, the return of Rose. Without exception, all failures. Each of my six stories would be self-contained, with no linking devices. Trying to keep your audience hooked Russell’s way is doomed to failure if the final episode fails to deliver. Give your public half-a-dozen strongly written, well executed, stories, excitingly concluded, so they’ll want to return for more instead of trying to twist their arm into staying with the programme only to receive a smack in the face like the Doctor at the hands of the parody Master in “Last of the Time Lords”!

Another important change would be to do away with companion’s families. I’m sick to death of the Doctor touching base every other week, at his latest travelling partner’s domicile. It’s alright to start off with an assistant’s familial attachments, such as when Peri was introduced in “Planet of Fire”, but to keep revisiting home turf is way too safe for a series originally steeped in fear and terror. What a shame they didn’t lop off the final fifteen minutes of the concluding episode, this year, and keep it to forty-five minutes, rather than allowing the writer’s excessive over-indulgence. Reign it in, edit, do away with superfluous material. Get rid of the baggage!

One Doctor, one companion. Throughout. No regenerations unless the lead is moving on. If you promise a death, deliver! Russell promised in Season’s Two and Four and went back on his word. Rose didn’t die in battle, unfortunately, and Donna had her memory all-too-conveniently wiped! Absolutely no reset buttons, in any way, shape or form!! I would choose a different writer for each story and, if possible, none would have written for the series before. I wouldn’t insist on writing the finale myself but would like to have a stab at one of the adventures! I’ve no objection to returning monsters, the Ice Warriors - as depicted in their black and white episodes - would be welcome, and wouldn’t insist on naming new ones myself, as Russell did the Ood. I’m pretty certain Verity Lambert didn’t insist Terry Nation call his creations the Daleks!! I think the writer came up with the name all on his lonesome.

So, there you have it. My six-story plan for the next season of “Doctor Who”! I fear it may be too late to give me the job!!