Getting shirty

Towards the end of the recent F1 season, motor-racing pundit Eddie Jordan purchased a pink/maroon-coloured Indian shirt, which he duly wore at said country’s Grand Prix. Later, he decided to auction the garment as part of Children In Need, having persuaded various dignitaries, including a visiting Sir Paul McCartney, to sign it, albeit rather scruffily. I don’t know how much the item of clothing fetched, or even if it was sold at all, as I didn’t watch the evening’s ‘entertainment’, despite the dubious draw of a Doctor Who sketch! The prospect of sitting through continuity tarts Tess Daly, Fearne Cotton and Alesha Dixon, for such an exhausting amount of time, held absolutely no appeal. I have occasionally wondered what became of Eddie’s shirt. Who would want such an item? What would they do with it once safely installed in their wardrobe? Would it have been laundered before leaving the confines of the BBC? It got me to thinking maybe other celebs should go down the same route, if they haven’t already, and would I be interested in purchasing any of their apparel?

As readers of this Journal are no doubt aware, I’m a fairly enthusiastic fan of Doctor Who! However, I’ve no interest in wearing David Tennant’s trench coat, even if it might make me look a little like Blade Runner’s Rick Deckard! I’m not particularly partial to bow ties either, even if they do possess a certain sartorial elegance! And maybe Chris Eccleston’s leather attire is better suited to The Stranglers’ Jean Jacques Burnel. Some of Billie Piper’s outfits, though, are a different matter. I wasn’t overly impressed with how she was dressed, on most occasions, but a few times they got it just right. I would’ve liked to have seen the white t-shirt she wore in Dalek, or the Union Jack one she wore in the Blitz two-parter, up for grabs. Even the orange affair Rose donned in the Olympic torch episode would be a welcome addition to any admirer’s collection! I wonder what became of the costumes after she left the series, when, presumably, the programme had no further use for them? I don’t recall seeing them at any of the programme’s exhibitions…

The thing is how far do you go when selling off a high-profile star’s clothing? There must be some out there who wouldn’t mind getting their hands on the thong Billie is wearing at the close of The Satan Pit, the backside of which is clearly visible over the top of her jeans on her return to the TARDIS. Others might prefer the thong which makes itself noticeable in the Doctor Who Confidential episode that accompanies Rose’s final regular appearance on the show. The problem is that these items probably belong to her rather than the BBC and she might not want to part with them. It’s all purely hypothetical as it’s quite likely these flimsy little pieces of cloth are probably long gone, worn out after frequent use… replaced by whatever is the latest fashion in these things. Doctor Who fans are mad. Graham Norton said so, so it must be true. I wouldn’t want to contradict his expectations so, if the described items no longer exist, I’d be quite happy acquiring the white bra our Billie is wearing in the above picture, even though she undoubtedly looks far better in it than I ever could!

Undercover, Underwired Underwear!

The latest series of ‘Undercover Boss’ began on Tuesday, 5th July at 9pm on Channel 4 with a look at adult retailer Ann Summers. CEO Jacqueline Gold is one of Britain’s best known business women. She has developed the family industry away from the domain of the male “raincoat brigade” to a taboo-busting female-friendly high street staple. Too famous to go incognito herself, Jacqueline sent younger sister and Deputy MD Vanessa (pictured) undercover, in amongst the undies, to one of their high-street stores. But little sister Vanessa struggled with some customers’ intimate questions about the products!

You can just imagine it… Browsing in one of the stores, a potential male customer picks up a vibrator, ostensibly for his girlfriend or wife, although one wonders why she’d need it if he was keeping her satisfied, and asks the young attractive female shop assistant if she wouldn’t mind demonstrating how to use the object, on the pretence he’s not exactly familiar with its purpose! Or, maybe he’s not sure how a pair of crotchless panties would suit the love of his life and asks the girl behind the counter if she wouldn’t mind modelling them for him while he sets up his digital camera!! Anyway, you get the picture… I’m glad I don’t work at Ann Summers and have to fend off such questions on a regular basis, although maybe you get used to it.

One thing I’ve often found amusing, in the city in which I live, is that Ann Summers is situated next door to Primark! So the most expensive place to get your knickers is a stone’s throw from the cheapest!!

Goosebumps

The moment you’ve all been waiting for has arrived. No, not the passing of the Royal wedding, for which we’re all eternally grateful, not even the start of the thirty-second series of “Doctor Who”, the sixth if you’re a newbie, for which we’re even more beholden, but the day in which Claire Goose exposes her lovely lady lumps on television for the first time! It’s been a long time coming. She’s now 36, married and mum to Amelia. In the past, she’s posed for lads’ mags in her underwear, set our pulses racing in a nurse’s uniform, as Tina Seabrook in “Casualty”, but never before has she plucked up the courage to get her tits out. Tonight, in “Exile”, all that is about to change. It’s been described as her first ever nude scene despite wearing skimpy briefs throughout. Presumably she could’ve asked to keep her bra on if she’d felt too exposed but Claire trusted the director. It’s an important scene where the couple aren’t just having sex, something that’s seen earlier, but are making love for the first time. No doubt John Simm, her partner in the three-part serial, running on successive evenings at 9pm on BBC1, put her at ease and was very masterful!

Claire plays barmaid Mandy, a mother-of-two trapped in a lifeless marriage who embarks on an affair with a journalist called Tom (John Simm). Sacked from his job and dumped by his married girlfriend, Tom Ronstadt heads back up North to see his sister Nancy (Olivia Colman) and their father Sam (Jim Broadbent), a man nursing a dark secret but now in the grip of Alzheimer’s. Sam was originally due to be played by Pete Postlethwaite, who died in January. Jim heard the part had become available and thought, “if it was good enough for Pete, it’ll be good enough for me”! Jim’s mother had Alzheimer’s so he already knew a fair bit about it from her case. But, “Exile” is not a story about Alzheimer’s. It’s a psychological thriller about a man who can’t remember and another trying to get a secret out of him. “Exile” starts as a domestic drama, with some dark humour, but then turns into a thriller. So, there are plenty of reasons to tune in, not just the lure of seeing Claire in the altogether, although, admittedly, that is a major draw however brief, but the prospect of being entertained by some exciting television. Warden’s one to watch!

Television in Trash Shocker

Next Wednesday, on ITV2, the younger Minogue sibling gets her own three-part fly-on-the-wall television series, “Dannii Minogue: Style Queen”.

Why?

What particular talents does Miss Minogue junior bring to enhance our viewing pleasure? Alright, we can all think of a couple… and she hasn’t been slow to exploit them. Let’s not beat about her bush here, we’re talking breasts. Or, as The Stranglers once so eloquently put it, “What was the size of her tits?”!

Well, I’m not sure how big Dannii’s boobies are and, to be perfectly honest, I don’t really care. They’re decently sized, big enough to previously model her own range of underwear and now she’s back to promote her new fashion range… and new range of perfume… and latest pop record. Yikes, she’s working incredibly hard, it must be exhausting! What with all that, having a baby, and “The X Factor”!!

I’d like to know if Dannii, or any so-called celeb, pays for the air space or is she paid for her time? I sometimes pondered that same question when “artists” appeared on “Top of the Pops” promoting their latest single, including the delightful-looking auburn-haired Minogue. Surely these slots were essentially three-minute commercials.

So, there they were, bouncing up and down, though I don’t remember the names of any of Dannii’s songs! She even admits her music has come in for some criticism, in the past, but doesn’t say whether or not she thinks it is justified. Everyone is always too busy, getting jiggy wit it, to pay any scant attention to something as unimportant as musicality!!

And, getting urgently back to the subject of scanties, I bet Dannii’s designer bra and knickers cost a bob or two even before they reach E-Bay!

Flower Power

There I was quietly sitting there, minding my own business, when suddenly my ears pricked up on hearing the strains of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” emanating from the television set. Immediately, I looked up. I’m not one for watching commercials. Can’t stand the things if I’m honest. Someone once told me the ads are better than the programmes but I remain unconvinced. Perhaps they are, I just don’t watch the poorer shows the better advertisements, periodically, interrupt. On this occasion, however, it was worth my while. I was greeted with the telly vision that is catwalk model-turned-actress Lily Cole. She really is a stunner. I must have a thing for fiery redheads because the other lady for whom I have a burning passion is, of course, t.A.T.u.’s Lena Katina. These two gorgeous-looking young women top and tail the three hundred-picture twenty-minute slideshow you can view at the foot of this blog. If I had my very own TARDIS, I know which two ladies I’d want to be my companions and their names aren’t Billie Piper or Catherine Tate! Although, even they would be preferable to Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway!! But, why I particularly dislike those two GMTV “presenters” - journalists my arse - is the subject for another day…

The advert in question turns out to be the latest trendy promotion for the Marks and Spencer chain and, in particular, their fashion line. Set on a fairground, other attractions, besides our Lily, include sold-out classical musician-turned-pop-star-turned-television-presenter Myleene Klass and Sixties’ fashion icon Twiggy. Black model Noémie Lenoir sports two sets of natty-looking undies, not at the same time you understand! These include polka dot panties, which she wiggles in close up, and a rather fetching set of pink bra and knickers to match the candy floss on which she is nibbling. I was going to say munching but being a slim model that’s probably unlikely! I expect you can tell, I was paying especially close attention to detail!! It’s all very fast, very slick, very stylish, and unburdened with product detail - different to those commercials insistent on telling you the price of everything where you end up remembering absolutely nothing. “Fashion Fairground” simply promotes a brand. If you’d like to watch it, without sitting through numerous commercial breaks hoping for an appearance from the lovely Lily, simply click on the link on the right to my “Jukebox”! “Put on your red shoes and dance the blues”!! Watching her figure, I can tell you that, at the start, sadly, and I know it’s a missed opportunity, Lily doesn’t actually lick her lolly!!!

Telly Visions: Katie Carr

There’s a new babe on the “Heroes” block, this series, and her name is Katie Carr. Actually, there are several new “sweethearts” and, while they are all very pretty, the standout for me is the actress who plays Peter Petrelli’s Irish girlfriend, Caitlin, in six of the eleven episodes. I can forgive her the cod accent of the character’s homeland which, to be honest, I find quite endearing and only serves to make her more cute than she already looks! Katie is in her early thirties and was actually born in London so you might think she’d have a finer grasp of the sound of Ireland but it doesn’t necessarily follow. There are possibly many reasons why the producers of “Heroes” have opted to give all the Irish characters a similar brogue. Sadly, she will only be seen once more in this curtailed, because of the American writers’ strike, second series of the comic-book saga. If you’re interested in seeking out her appearances on the show then they’re in chapters two, three, five through seven, and ten; namely, “Lizards”, “Kindred”, “Fight or Flight”, “The Line”, “Out of Time” and penultimate episode “Truth & Consequences”. I’m also reliably informed she is an underwear model and was the Gossard Girl in Gossard’s advertising campaign of 2002-2003. Last season of “Heroes”, my crush was Nora Zehetner… this time around, it’s most definitely the cuddly Katie Carr!!

Whiter than White!

I feel I should apologise unreservedly for the gratuitous use of the word “knickers” in my previous post! I had no idea it could cause anyone the least offence. While I’m at it, I would also like to express deep regret for mentioning the unmentionable - “bra and panties” if you missed it, or couldn’t be bothered reading the text accompanying the supposedly salacious shot of t.A.T.u.’s lovely Lena! Following the premiere of Julie Walters vehicle “Filth: The Mary Whitehouse Story” last Wednesday evening, I bring the matter to your attention, now, upon the realisation that, were she still alive, Mary Whitehouse would not have found my article “appropriate”. But, then, she seems to have had no sense of humour whatsoever…

There is the possibility that the BBC are partially responsible for this country’s continuing decline in moral standards, whatever they may be, but to make a complaint, even back in 1967, over the airing of The Beatles’ witty classic “I Am The Walrus” defies belief! Mary was worried about the then-forthcoming transmission of the group’s “Magical Mystery Tour” TV movie, scheduled for broadcast on Boxing Day of said year, when many families would be watching, no doubt assuming that any mention of ladies’ lingerie would be a corrupting influence on impressionable minds. I find it hard to imagine the tireless campaigner listening to any pop record with such intensity, ready to jot down the slightest deviancy! The offending lyric, which caused Mrs Whitehouse much concern, reads…

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye.
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen,
I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob.

The inspiration for Lennon’s lyric actually comes from a playground nursery rhyme…

Yellow matter custard, green slop pie,
All mixed together with a dead dog’s eye,
Slap it on a butty, ten foot thick,
Then wash it all down with a cup of cold sick.

You could argue that the latter is more offensive than the former, certainly more disgusting, yet these words were heard out of the mouths of babes and sucklings long before the advent of the Nanny State. But the word that bothered Mary was “knickers”. The undergarment is simply an item of clothing, a piece of cloth, so I can only assume it was the association, that said piece of material actually comes into contact with a woman’s vagina, which bothered her. This says more about her state of mind than anything else! Surely, next post, I should apologise for using the word “vagina” but at least I didn’t use the vulva term “pussy” or, worse still, “cunt”!!

In the Eye of the Beholder

t.A.T.u. have released an extended video of “White Robe”, the lead single from their third studio album “Waste Management”, in which both Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova appear naked. Whether or not screen nudity upsets you, it isn’t in the least bit sensationalistic and works in the context of the narrative. Yulia is seen in the shower, water gushing over her breasts. In the original edit, the images were cropped to keep them hidden from view. Second time around, a close-up of one of her nipples is probably intended to suggest, in light of the closing revelation, that her breasts are full of milk ready to feed her unborn child. No doubt, some will suggest this is a marketing ploy. Red-headed Lena’s motives for stripping on camera are a little less clear, other than that she needs to change for work! At the start, she seems to be returning from a night on the town but it’s unclear whether or not she is moonlighting as a hooker. Her skirt is short enough to reveal her red knickers. These, in turn, are tight enough to show the cheeks of her bottom. She later removes them, together with her black bra and torn stockings, whilst lying flat on her back on her bed.

I believe the t.A.T.u. girls should’ve gone a stage further, at the end of the story, in the build up to Yulia’s execution. Rather than removing only the “White Robe” of the prisoner, it might’ve increased her vulnerability had the prison warders taken off Yulia’s bra and panties as well. With all “armour” removed, and heavily pregnant, it would have the effect of making the girl look completely defenceless. But, it’s only a minor quibble. However, I’m not sure the addition of a laughing audience, watching the “termination” of these two lives, adds significantly to the impact of the clip. I’ve never subscribed to the notion of nudity as naughty! None of it here relates, in any way, to sex but simply shows both characters as human. The girls are beautiful both in and out of clothes. After we’ve seen Lena completely naked, she appears in fresh underwear, distancing herself from her humanity by dressing in the uniform of executioner. To be honest, I think the shorter version of the song, which I posted back in January on my Jukebox blog, works better. Both realisations are hard-hitting though, regardless of preference!

Warden’s Watch: The Invasion (or… Lifting the Lid on the Cybermen!)

With the news that a pair of Cybermen have been photographed stomping round a cemetery in Newport, filming for this year’s “Doctor Who” Christmas Special, it seemed an appropriate moment to look at the story I consider to be their finest hour! That “The Invasion” is also Wendy Padbury’s best “Doctor Who” serial is a happy coincidence, as well as the fact that this eight-part epic just happens to be my second favourite “Doctor Who” story. When I was consciously choosing an order of preference, perhaps some twenty odd years ago now, it was a toss up between this Cyber-adventure and the previously discussed, ecologically minded, “Fury from the Deep” as to which should claim pole position in my affections, and the tale of the demented seaweed won out in the final analysis! Incidentally, it’s about time the producers of the new version of “Doctor Who” resorted to using one of the programme’s giants as villains in their seasonal offering. The creative choices taken, thus far, to fill the Christmas episodes have been quite odd, to say the least. The Doctor hardly appeared in the first, we were treated to a screaming bride in the second and the third relied on the notoriety of an unsinkable ship that sank! Personally speaking, I’ve always wanted to spend my Christmas with a Dalek!! I know… there’s no accounting for taste! Anyway, onto the main thrust of what I hope will be a very buoyant discourse…

“The Invasion” was directed by Douglas Camfield, the most-assured figure to work in this capacity on “Doctor Who” at any time in the programme’s history, and therein lies the strength of this serial. The Cybermen look very good on screen, due partly to the superb new costumes designed for them by Bobi Bartlett but perhaps more particularly to Douglas Camfield’s excellent direction. The helmets, for example, were now a lot bulkier in appearance with the addition of what can perhaps best be described as “tyres”, preventing the notorious handlebars from attaching directly to each side of each creature’s face. The teardrop effect, on the underside of each eye, was retained in the revamp but dropped from the lower lip, which became wider and narrower. It hadn’t been long since the monsters, originally from Mondas with Telos as their adopted home planet, were last dispatched by the present TARDIS incumbents, with only two five-part serials separating the earlier “The Wheel in Space” from the creature’s surprise reappearance halfway through this escapade. The first repeat of a complete adventure in the programme’s history, “The Evil of the Daleks”, undoubtedly helped put some distance between the two Cyber-serials. One of the really good things about “The Invasion” is the Cybermen’s seeming indestructibility. Attacking them with all manner of military hardware does nothing to stop their inevitable nihilistic onslaught…

Like the second William Hartnell Dalek serial, “The Dalek Invasion of Earth”, “The Invasion” benefits enormously from the use of location filming around familiar London landmarks. Whereas, in the earlier story, we were treated to Daleks patrolling the likes of Westminster and Trafalgar Square, in this Cybermen outing the aliens appear through street manholes from out of the sewers, at the end of the sixth episode, to march triumphantly down the steps behind St. Paul’s Cathedral. It is, indeed, an imposing sight. Also something of an arresting display, and without skirting around the issue, Wendy Padbury’s and Sally Faulkner’s knickers are frequently revealed! Douglas would insist on filming things using low camera angles!! The director had the reputation for organising his shoots with military precision!!! He’s also responsible for my favourite episode of “The Sweeney”, “Thou Shalt Not Kill”, which prominently featured another lovely of the day, Harriet Philpin, better known to “Doctor Who” fans as Bettan in the second half of “Genesis of the Daleks”. As for the Cybermen themselves, and despite not having much dialogue in “The Invasion”, they would never again be this good. After their fifth and final black and white story, writers seemed to forget that the creatures are supposed to be emotionless, when terms like “Revenge” and “Excellent” started creeping into future scripts! They seem harder to write for than Daleks, with only “The Tomb of the Cybermen” being truly comparable in quality to the pièce de résistance that is “The Invasion”.

Agent Provocateur

Holly Willoughby is a birthday girl! She’s 27 today!! When I wrote my post on her, three days ago, I didn’t know that; so, it gives me a further opportunity to stick up her picture on my blog… Yeah, any old excuse!

To be honest, I’m not really sure whether or not I find Holly attractive. She’s undeniably sexy but being attractive is a different thing altogether. The girl is all front, if you know what I mean, but attractiveness requires something going on up top other than big knockers!

Still, even though I don’t watch Miss Willoughby’s show, I hope she has a nice day. She’s at an age when birthdays still mean something, although she says there is nothing she wants. What do you buy a girl who, probably, already has everything? Well, she answered that one with, “As long as I get some Agent Provocateur underwear, I’ll be happy.” You and me both, love! I think my budget could stretch to that… Yes, I’m sure I can rise to the occasion!! The old ones are the best, eh?

Anyway, Happy Birthday to the dolly that is Holly!

“Doctor Who” is Pants!

I was going to write an article berating the near-obsession with women’s underwear in Russell T. Davies’ version of “Doctor Who”. Having caught a recent rerun of the Series Three episode “The Lazarus Experiment”, I noticed the Doctor seemed particularly interested in a pair of Martha’s knickers! Much to her embarrassment, he actually picks them off the clothes line where they are drying and waves them at her; although her response is more one of mock indignation. This viewer was left with the distinct feeling that Martha is actually pleased the Doctor is finally showing an interest. Then I remembered the incident with Rose’s Mum Jackie, in “Love & Monsters”, in which she flashes her undies at poor old Marc Warren in the Laundromat and I began to get a little hot under the collar!! No, not for the reasons you’re thinking, dear reader! This scene was actually picked out of “Love & Monsters” and used as part of the Next Time trailer at the end of the preceding episode, “The Satan Pit”, in which we’d only just been treated to a glimpse of Rose’s thong, protruding from the back of her jeans, as she hugs the Doctor on her return to the TARDIS at the end of the story. I began to think that Russell is showing an awfully keen interest in the undergarments of his leading ladies, especially for someone who’s gay!!!

I decided to examine this pressing issue, of panties in our favourite science fiction series, just a little further! I thought back to the classic series and naturally remembered an incident involving the lovely Katy Manning! Who could forget her frilly red knickers as she climbs up a ladder out of a tunnel, in “The Day of the Daleks”, hotly pursued by Jon Pertwee gazing upwards as he makes his ascent!! I thought back even further and remembered Maureen O’Brien giving us a quick flash as she is menaced by Koquillion in the two-part adventure “The Rescue”. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the colour of her panties as this serial was made in black and white! Fast forward two decades and Sarah Sutton gives us more than just a brief glimpse as she strips down to her undies for her swansong tale “Terminus”. A memorable farewell to all her adoring fans. And, no doubt she acquired many more following such a finale! Given the present penchant for female pop singers in science fiction, what with Billie and Kylie in “Doctor Who”, and “Primeval” actress Hannah Spearritt persistently battling dinosaurs in a vast array of not-so-baggy bloomers, what next? Given the soundtrack of the Christopher Eccleston episode “The End of the World”, it seems possible that Russell might want to cast Britney Spears as a future companion. There’s just one problem… As everyone knows, from all the lucrative paparazzi up-skirt shots of Britney’s vagina, Miss Spears doesn’t do pants!