Warden’s Watch: Bonekickers & Spooks: Code 9

The BBC doesn’t seem to be having much luck with some of its latest fantasy-drama output! I watched the first episode of “Bonekickers”, “Army of God”, on BBC One, and decided that, amongst its many faults, the series’ title is four letters too long!! I didn’t watch any more, not feeling the need to dig deeper into this illogical archaeological nonsense. I tuned in, in the first place, because “Bonekickers” is written and produced by the same team who brought us “Life on Mars”, and that series’ excellent sequel “Ashes to Ashes”. And, because Martha’s sister, from “Doctor Who”, is in it! I can only presume “Bonekickers” is an attempt to replicate “The Da Vinci Code” for television with a touch of “Indiana Jones” thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately, it appeared ludicrous and, with the inclusion of a gratuitous decapitation of a Muslim, at the hands of ex-“EastEnders” actor Paul Nicholls, over the top… I believe a second series has already been commissioned!

Hot on the heels of the BBC One disaster, and switching to BBC Three, follows “Spooks: Code 9” which I haven’t really warmed to either, although, in this case, I have stayed with the series so far. That’s probably, solely, because Georgia Moffett plays one of the MI5 operatives! I am a fan of parent series “Spooks” and especially enjoyed its Fourth Season, when the show seemed to start all over again with renewed grit and determination. The spin-off killed one of its main characters in the opening episode, obviously inspired by the notorious demise of Lisa Faulkner’s character, Helen Flynn, in the second episode of the original. “Torchwood” had already copied “Spooks”, in killing off Susie, in its debut story so, by now, it’s all getting to be rather old hat. The remaining cast of hip young things with poor diction, in “Spooks: Code 9”, includes (from left to right) Andrew Knott as Rob, Georgia Moffett as Kylie, Heshima Thompson as Jez, Liam Boyle as Charlie, Ruta Gedmintas as Rachel and Chris Simpson as Vik… Only two more episodes to go, thank goodness!

Time Lord Pensioned Off

Happy 65th, Sylvester! Today (August 20th, 2008), Seventh Doctor Sylvester McCoy turns sixty-five and becomes a pensioner!! He played the Time Lord for forty-two episodes, over three seasons, between 1987 and 1989. Each of his series consisted of four three-or-four part stories divided between fourteen episodes making a total of twelve “Doctor Who” adventures in total. Sylvester reprised the role, quite substantially in 1996, in the first third of the American TV movie before handing over the mantle to Eighth Doctor Paul McGann. Bonnie Langford played companion Mel during Sylvester’s first year while Sophie Aldred joined during “Dragonfire” and stayed for the duration under the moniker “Ace”! His stories are a mixed bag but, then, that’s the case for every era of the programme. Percentage wise, the actor does pretty well in the classic stakes! I would claim that, of McCoy’s dozen tales, a third of them should be regarded as “Doctor Who” classics. Best of all is “The Curse of Fenric”, a story steeped in Norse mythology set during the Second World War. “Ghost Light” some fans find overly complex but is a lovely little thesis, disguised as costume drama, supporting the ideology of Richard Dawkins who, recently, made a brief cameo in the new version of the series. “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy” is set in a circus, partly filmed in the BBC car park and all the better for it, again inspired by Norse myth, while “Remembrance of the Daleks” opened Sylvester’s Second Season and, following a couple of shaky years, bred new life into the show.

Of the other eight titles, most are worthwhile. From Sylvester’s debut season, I’m quite partial to “Paradise Towers” and “Delta and the Bannermen”. The former is written by Stephen Wyatt who the following year went on to write “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy” and whom I consider the most imaginative of the writers of this period of the programme. “Paradise Towers” isn’t to everyone’s taste but at least the domestic element, involving older “Rezzies” (residents) feeding off the youthful female “Kangs” (colour-coded gangs), integrates better into the narrative than any of today’s offerings! “Delta and the Bannermen” is just great fun and anyone who isn’t carried along with this holiday-camp nonsense probably has no joie de vivre! “Silver Nemesis” was the 25th Anniversary story, essentially a reworking of “Remembrance of the Daleks” but with Cybermen. It did include some gritty battle sequences to contrast the humour of the good Doctor showing his usual politeness (in raising his hat) towards the present monarch whilst walking her corgis! My favourite director of the period was Alan Wareing. He was as tough as Graeme Harper, from earlier in the decade, but shied away from showing as much violence on screen. Alan helmed “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy”, which went out as the climax of Sylvester’s Second Season, as well as “Ghost Light” and the Seventh Doctor’s ironically titled swansong “Survival” which reintroduced a much-reinvigorated Master and concluded the era and classic “Doctor Who” on a high.

If I Were Davros…

It’s no secret that under Russell T. Davies I’ve found “Doctor Who” to be severely lacking! Whereas “Fury from the Deep”, a six-part story from the late Sixties, carries an inspiring ecological subtext about the dangers of not replenishing the Earth’s natural resources upon bleeding them dry, modern “Doctor Who” appears to be about nothing in particular except sitting on your arse all day watching the telly on a council estate! No wonder I feel cheated!! If I wanted to watch the latter, I could tune into crap like “EastEnders” or open the back door. I want to watch the former served up as a metaphor featuring weed creatures rising up out of the sea to take their revenge with the aid of poison gas exhaling humans. I want terror not soap. So, if I was about to inherit the mantle of show runner instead of Steven Moffat, how would I go about correcting the numerous mistakes made over the last four series? How would I make “Doctor Who”? What would I do if I had the power, if I were Davros…

The first change I would make to “Doctor Who” is in doing away with the single episode story. They do not give enough time for character or plot development and have all but removed the all-important cliff-hanger from the programme. At present, each season gives the viewer ten stories over thirteen episodes. Keeping the thirteen forty-five minute episode format, I would reduce the number of stories to six, five two-parters would be followed by a concluding three-part season finale. This would also be more cost effective in that you are reducing the number of opening nights by four. Jon Pertwee’s producer Barry Letts was very aware of how best to utilise the budget over a full season.

My next major change would be to do away with the season arc. Under Russell, we’ve had Bad Wolf, Torchwood, Saxon and, most recently, the return of Rose. Without exception, all failures. Each of my six stories would be self-contained, with no linking devices. Trying to keep your audience hooked Russell’s way is doomed to failure if the final episode fails to deliver. Give your public half-a-dozen strongly written, well executed, stories, excitingly concluded, so they’ll want to return for more instead of trying to twist their arm into staying with the programme only to receive a smack in the face like the Doctor at the hands of the parody Master in “Last of the Time Lords”!

Another important change would be to do away with companion’s families. I’m sick to death of the Doctor touching base every other week, at his latest travelling partner’s domicile. It’s alright to start off with an assistant’s familial attachments, such as when Peri was introduced in “Planet of Fire”, but to keep revisiting home turf is way too safe for a series originally steeped in fear and terror. What a shame they didn’t lop off the final fifteen minutes of the concluding episode, this year, and keep it to forty-five minutes, rather than allowing the writer’s excessive over-indulgence. Reign it in, edit, do away with superfluous material. Get rid of the baggage!

One Doctor, one companion. Throughout. No regenerations unless the lead is moving on. If you promise a death, deliver! Russell promised in Season’s Two and Four and went back on his word. Rose didn’t die in battle, unfortunately, and Donna had her memory all-too-conveniently wiped! Absolutely no reset buttons, in any way, shape or form!! I would choose a different writer for each story and, if possible, none would have written for the series before. I wouldn’t insist on writing the finale myself but would like to have a stab at one of the adventures! I’ve no objection to returning monsters, the Ice Warriors - as depicted in their black and white episodes - would be welcome, and wouldn’t insist on naming new ones myself, as Russell did the Ood. I’m pretty certain Verity Lambert didn’t insist Terry Nation call his creations the Daleks!! I think the writer came up with the name all on his lonesome.

So, there you have it. My six-story plan for the next season of “Doctor Who”! I fear it may be too late to give me the job!!

Re-Make/Re-Model

Television seems to milk drama series for all they are worth, these days, literally capitalising on the success of any given parent show. Just look at “Doctor Who”! Running alongside the mother series, there’s “Doctor Who Confidential”, “Totally Doctor Who” (which seems to have dematerialised this year), “Torchwood”, “Torchwood Declassified” and “The Sarah Jane Adventures”… and all from a show which is itself a remake, not an original idea as it was back in 1963. To me, this burgeoning industry doesn’t suggest imagination is alive and kicking in the new millennium! Storytelling, at least in this visual medium, has become stale.

The “creator” of this “Doctor Who” retread (I’m sure you all know his name by now!) has the audacity to claim there was never any golden age of television! If that’s the case, why have the BBC just celebrated forty years of “Dad’s Army”? Hearty congratulations to the Walmington-On-Sea platoon of the Home Guard! “Little Britain” will, hopefully, be forgotten long before it reaches such a landmark. But, why will the chief writer of the Time Lord’s soap opera adventures have spent the best part of a decade, by the time he moves on from his exalted position as show runner, bringing the series back into the public eye if it doesn’t hail from a much-loved era? It’s not a particularly creative move for a supposedly talented writer. The answer is, of course, money.

The present executive producer of “Doctor Who” has, undoubtedly, made enough cash to ensure he can now go off and write whatever he wants and not have to worry whether or not any new project will recoup its investment. Never mind having destroyed a national institution to arrive at that enviable position. The common view is that he has revived the science fiction series rather than completely bent it out of shape! Other than a fat paycheque, why remodel an old show? What would’ve been wrong in having the self-confidence to invent something dazzlingly new, thus proving his worth beyond any doubt, rather than disastrously distorting a glorious twenty-six year history? “Doctor Who”, with one or two small exceptions, would’ve been better left alone, untarnished.

Telly Visions: Kristen Bell

“Heroes” seems to have the knack of casting attractive female leads. It’s better at it than, say, the revamped “Doctor Who”! Ouch!! But, it’s true. The obvious names to mention, regarding the American show, are Hayden Panettiere and Ali Larter. And, I’ve already discussed Nora Zehetner and Katie Carr in previous posts. For me, I’m sorry to say, Billie Piper will always be the female forerunner of Lil’ Chris! Although, admittedly, the Swindon lass is nowhere near as cringe worthy and tedious as that pint-sized pin brain. I can imagine Russell T. Davies mistakenly casting him, in the role of companion, had the executive producer stayed on with the Brit series. And, that would’ve been a fate worse than Adric!

The latest sex kitten on the “Heroes” block is Kristen Bell, playing cunning little vixen Elle Bishop, introduced during Season Two, and I’m pleased to see she’s to continue into the next season. I was already aware of the actress from “Veronica Mars”, which I’d wanted to see but have only recently started watching. Kristen played the title role for three seasons before it was cancelled due to poor viewing figures. Joss Whedon, best known as creator and lead writer of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, praised the writing standard of “Veronica Mars” and the pilot episode is certainly a clever little construct.

Following the cancellation of “Veronica Mars”, Kristen voiced an interest in appearing in “Heroes”, because she was a fan prior to being cast. She’s also friends with future Mr. Spock Zachary Quinto (Sylar), as well as Hayden, which no doubt wasn’t going to go against her! For my money though, Kristen has a far more interesting face than her cheerleader co-star. That’s not to say I don’t like Hayden. I do. But, Kristen is just that little bit more quirky. It was Ms. Bell’s aspect that had me interested in “Veronica Mars” in the first place! Here’s hoping “Volume Three: Villains”, of “Heroes”, will be saved by the Bell!!

Warden’s Watch: Twins of Evil

It’s fifty years since the studio affectionately known as Hammer Horror began making movies to scare the panties off their busty heroines! As part of the celebrations, a few words devoted to one of the company’s finest vampire offerings, screened on BBC Two in the small hours of Saturday morning, seem appropriate. Unlike the “Dracula” series, with director John Hough’s “Twins of Evil”, released in 1971, the inspiration isn’t from the pen of Bram Stoker but J Sheridan Le Fanu, albeit interpreted rather loosely. It’s the last in a trilogy of films centring on the legend of the Countess Mircalla/Carmilla/Marcilla Karnstein, begun with “The Vampire Lovers”, continued through “Lust for a Vampire”, and my favourite movie to feature the much-missed Peter Cushing. Here, though, he isn’t playing Van Helsing but a witch hunter called Gustav Weil, rather in the mould of the “Witchfinder General”.

The beauty of “Twins of Evil” is in the blurring of lines between who is the hunter and who the hunted. Good and evil are Twins of the same coin when both lead to the deaths of innocent young women (if there is such a thing!). The title, taken more literally, stars real life twins and “Playboy” playmates Mary and Madeleine Collinson, as Maria and Frieda Gellhorn, who, while undeniably stunning to look at, aren’t exactly the world’s finest actresses. But, the young women more than visually compensate, for any minor verbal inadequacies, and contribute to making “Twins of Evil” a very stylish and sumptuous picture. Harry (credited as Robinson) Robertson’s incidental music strangely makes the film feel like a western at times and, amongst the many delights on offer, concludes with the gruesome decapitation of one of the sisters! But, which one? A gloriously gorgeous gallery and a tantalisingly titillating trailer can be found on my “Jukebox”!!