Doctor Who - 49th Anniversary Favourite Fifty

01. Fury From The Deep - Patrick Troughton
02. The Invasion - Patrick Troughton
03. The Evil Of The Daleks - Patrick Troughton
04. The Web Of Fear - Patrick Troughton
05. The Tomb Of The Cybermen - Patrick Troughton
06. The Power Of The Daleks - Patrick Troughton
07. The Dalek Invasion Of Earth - William Hartnell
08. The Daleks - William Hartnell
09. The Caves Of Androzani - Peter Davison
10. Revelation Of The Daleks - Colin Baker

11. The Curse Of Fenric - Sylvester McCoy
12. The Greatest Show In The Galaxy - Sylvester McCoy
13. The Mind Of Evil - Jon Pertwee
14. Inferno - Jon Pertwee
15. Genesis Of The Daleks - Tom Baker
16. The Ice Warriors - Patrick Troughton
17. The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit - David Tennant
18. The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances - Christopher Eccleston
19. Ghost Light - Sylvester McCoy
20. Remembrance Of The Daleks - Sylvester McCoy
21. The Ambassadors Of Death - Jon Pertwee
22. Doctor Who And The Silurians - Jon Pertwee
23. The Seeds Of Death - Patrick Troughton
24. The Moonbase - Patrick Troughton
25. Asylum Of The Daleks - Matt Smith
26. The Wheel In Space - Patrick Troughton
27. The Two Doctors - Colin Baker
28. Frontios - Peter Davison
29. Planet Of Giants - William Hartnell
30. Dalek - Christopher Eccleston

31. Blink - David Tennant
32. Delta And The Bannermen - Sylvester McCoy
33. The Daemons - Jon Pertwee
34. The Talons Of Weng-Chiang - Tom Baker
35. Vengeance On Varos - Colin Baker
36. Attack Of The Cybermen - Colin Baker
37. Resurrection Of The Daleks - Peter Davison
38. The Unquiet Dead - Christopher Eccleston
39. Planet Of The Dead - David Tennant
40. Daleks In Manhattan/Evolution Of The Daleks - David Tennant
41. The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People - Matt Smith
42. Planet Of The Ood - David Tennant
43. The Doctor's Daughter - David Tennant
44. Amy's Choice - Matt Smith
45. Midnight - David Tennant
46. Survival - Sylvester McCoy
47. The Sea Devils - Jon Pertwee
48. The Tenth Planet - William Hartnell
49. The Abominable Snowmen - Patrick Troughton
50. Earthshock - Peter Davison

Favourite Eras - based on the above list

01. Patrick Troughton - 402 points
02. Sylvester McCoy - 166 points
03. Jon Pertwee - 156 points
04. William Hartnell - 112 points
05. David Tennant - 100 points
06. Colin Baker - 96 points
07. Peter Davison - 80 points
08. Christopher Eccleston - 67 points
09. Tom Baker - 53 points
10. Matt Smith - 43 points

A special one-off drama about the creation of Doctor Who has been commissioned to mark the programme's 50th anniversary. An Adventure In Space And Time will tell the story of the genesis of the BBC science-fiction series in the early 1960s. "This is the tale of how an unlikely set of brilliant people created a true television original," said its writer Mark Gatiss. The 90-minute production will air on BBC Two next year.

As Time Goes… Bye!

What do you think is the ratio between sports programming and music broadcasts on British television? You might think it an unfair question, given that the Olympics is almost upon us and, therefore, a disproportionate amount of time will be spent on the former than is usually the case. This is not so. This year’s season of the greatest music festival in the world, The Proms, has been running nearly a fortnight, of its eight-week duration, with even less airtime devoted to it than in previous years. I have often relied on the late-night repeats and, this time around, they are nowhere to be found! What little there is, and I applaud the Beethoven cycle of Symphonies under Barenboim, even though I haven’t managed to see a single concert, is, as usual, relegated to minority-interest channel BBC Four. Even the simultaneously aggressive-and-tender music of the composer I regard as being the original Sex Pistol, Ludwig van, is deemed not being accessible enough for a mainstream audience on BBC One. Is the corporate world of television seriously trying to hard-sell me the notion that the sight of sweaty athletes, attempting to better one another by nothing more than a few nanoseconds, in a tournament designed to be just one step removed from all-out war, is somehow preferable to some of the most powerful music ever written, and performed, no doubt, with great gusto by the West-Eastern Divan Orchestra?

I don’t want to be sent packing to catch-up on the BBC’s iPlayer either. Why is television constantly trying to rid itself of its audience? Recently, I would like to have seen Christopher Eccleston and MyAnna Buring in the three-part BBC One serial Blackout, on Monday nights. Similarly, I would like to have watched Kenneth Branagh and Sarah Smart in the third series of Wallander, on Sunday evenings. But, one transmission of each episode and it’s done! Why no repeats? Why the lack of broadmindedness of scheduling that assumes we can all be in front of the box at 9pm on those particular days? Conversely, ITV3, and ITV4 to some extent, functions too far in the opposite direction. Everyone must’ve seen every episode of Frost, Foyle and Fogle by now! Many, many times!! Whodunit? We already bloody know, thank you very much for nothing… there ought to be a law against it! ITV have a massive back catalogue, surely, from which to choose? I would like to see the 1999, Survivors-style, six-part serial The Last Train repeated, especially as it isn’t available on DVD, but not repeatedly repeated! It would make a change, even though there aren’t any detectives in it!! It does boast a superlative music score by Poirot composer Christopher Gunning, if that’s any help.

Finally, I come to the scheduling of the next series of Doctor Who. Has anyone in its potential audience questioned why the Seventh Season is being spread across two years? Clearly, it is to save money, cash possibly spent on the Olympic Games. And just as the programme approaches its Fiftieth Anniversary when, maybe, one might expect the BBC to be spending a little more on it, rather than less! Heaven knows, sales of all things Doctor Who-related have helped keep the licence fee as low as possible, even when the show was on its extended extended break between 1989 and 2005!! It really is a crafty way for the BBC to be able to say there were new adventures in both 2012 and 2013 while only spending money on one set of episodes, and without the need to incur any extra expense with “specials”, as in 2009. Perhaps there will be a Series Eight starting in September 2013, a year after Series Seven, but it doesn’t seem likely. So just how, exactly, will BBC One celebrate, come November 2013? I’m curious to know. Drama repeats aren’t really their style, as I’ve previously explained. Episodes from the modern era are oft-repeated, but on BBC Three and always at the same time, never giving a different audience the opportunity to see them. Classic episodes hardly ever, not even to mourn the passing recently of companion Caroline John. Confidential-type documentaries might’ve been plausible if that series hadn’t been axed. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Unfortunately, I won’t be here to report on it as… That’s all, folks!!! My taxi is waiting and I’m off to paradise…

Through the looking-glass

Two more storylines from the next series of Doctor Who have emerged from the show’s producer and chief writer Steven Moffat. He says, in episode two, The Doctor will take on pre-historic creatures in a story called Dinosaurs On A Spaceship! I had to suppress a snigger when I heard the title. It does sound a tad silly and more than a little preposterous until you remember Voyage Of The Damned and its spaceship, Titanic, almost crashing into Buckingham Palace! First thoughts are the episode is endeavouring to capitalise on the popularity of Primeval, but I remind myself that the current, probably final, series of the ITV1 dinosaur saga, while visually spectacular, is no more than a reworking of the Jon Pertwee Doctor Who story Invasion Of The Dinosaurs. The new dinosaur escapade is written by Chris Chibnall and features Being Human’s Mark Williams as Rory’s dad, Brian, and Rupert Graves from Sherlock.

Episode three is a western-themed adventure, written by Toby Whithouse and filmed on location in Spain, entitled A Town Called Mercy. It co-stars Adrian Scarborough and Ben Browder. Any mention of the Last Chance Saloon immediately conjures up images of William Hartnell’s legendary encounter at the O K Corral with Wyatt Earp and Johnny Ringo in mid-Sixties’ four-parter The Gunfighters, which not only gave The Doctor toothache but many fans as well! The new storylines are both directed by Saul Metzstein and follow the first episode of the new series in which The Doctor will be reunited with his oldest enemies in Asylum Of The Daleks. The first five episodes of Series Seven will air later this year, followed by the Christmas Special, with the remaining eight to follow in the New Year.

Meanwhile, Scots actress Karen Gillan has won the lead in a film about a haunted mirror, according to the Radio Times. Gillan, from Inverness, leaves her role as Doctor Who companion Amy Pond in episode five of Series Seven, and not in the Christmas Special as I previously suggested might be the case. In new US horror film, Oculus, she will play Kaylie whose brother is convicted of murdering their parents. Kaylie believes an antique looking-glass was responsible. It’s not the first time one of The Doctor’s companions has worked on a horror movie. Shortly before starting work on Doctor Who, Billie Piper played Jenny in Spirit Trap, alongside Russian pop star Alsou. It was released in August 2005 to generally poor reviews. After being returned to her own time and space in the classic series, Wendy Padbury appeared in Piers Haggard’s excellent cult 1971 British horror film Blood On Satan’s Claw as the unfortunate Cathy Vespers. And we shouldn’t forget Lalla Ward who began her acting career as Helga in the hypnotically stylish 1972 Hammer Horror film Vampire Circus.

Keeping it in the family

Mother and daughter Dame Diana Rigg and Rachael Stirling are to star side-by-side in a Doctor Who adventure to be broadcast next year. Dame Diana is probably still best known for her role as high-kicking Mrs Emma Peel in two seasons of The Avengers during the Sixties. She has, of course, done much since including starring opposite James Wilby in the memorable BBC psychological drama Mother Love. She also played Lady Dedlock, to excellent effect, in the 1985 version of Bleak House, as well as appearing alongside Charles Dance and Emilia Fox in ITV’s adaptation of Daphne Du Maurier’s Rebecca. Rachael, on the other hand, achieved notoriety appearing alongside Keeley Hawes in lesbian drama Tipping The Velvet and has more recently been seen in the BBC Four retelling of DH Lawrence’s Women In Love (pictured) and its prequel The Rainbow. It is the first time the pair have worked together on screen. The actresses will play “a mother and daughter with a dark secret” up against Matt Smith’s Doctor and new companion Jenna-Louise Coleman. Filming of the story began this week at Roath Lock Studios in Cardiff.

Meanwhile, over on the other side, Matt’s immediate Time Lord predecessor David Tennant will play a detective in new drama Broadchurch, about the death of a young boy in a seaside town, ITV1 has announced. The eight-part series has been penned by Doctor Who and Torchwood writer Chris Chibnall. He wrote the real-time episode 42 in which David’s Doctor had to prevent a spaceship from crashing into the Sun and, more recently, the two-part Silurian adventure for Matt’s Doctor. Tennant leads an ensemble cast featuring Rev actress Olivia Colman and Will Mellor, best known for the interminable Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps and, latterly, White Van Man although, to his credit, he did once appear in an early episode of Merlin! Arthur Darvill, who plays current Doctor Who Matt Smith’s sidekick Rory, will appear as the town priest. See what I mean about keeping it in the family? Nepotism just ain’t what it used to be! Still, something to look forward to on the independent channel, bearing in mind that the much-delayed transmission of the fifth season of Primeval, screening at a ridiculously early time, is currently ITV1’s best show!!

Taking care of Carey

Five years ago, many red-blooded Doctor Who fans were clamouring for actress Carey Mulligan to become the Doctor’s next companion after she almost single-handedly carried the episode Blink. It was not to be. Freema Agyeman was replaced by Catherine Tate and Carey’s character, Sally Sparrow, became but a birdcall in the garden of fond memories! Miss Mulligan has, of course, gone on to bigger things, though not necessarily greater. It’s unlikely we’ll ever see her back in Doctor Who, even though its current show-runner, Steven Moffat, created her character in a short story for an annual before embellishing it into a full-blown television episode.

I first noticed Carey in 2005, two years before her appearance in Series Three of Doctor Who, when she took on the role of Ada Clare, one of the wards in the court case of Jarndyce vs. Jarndyce, in Andrew Davies’ excellent BBC adaptation of Charles Dickens’ Bleak House. I thought her extraordinarily pretty but predicted Anna Maxwell Martin, who played another of the wards, Esther Summerson, would go on to be the more successful of the two female leads. I was wrong, possibly. Their stories aren’t over yet and it depends how you define success. Anna’s worked solidly in this country while Carey has tried her hand at working in Hollywood. America suits some better than others. It may mean bigger bucks but the jobs aren’t necessarily as satisfying.

Carey Mulligan’s portrayal of the gifted-but-emotionally-impressionable Jenny, in the BBC-funded An Education, was the breakthrough role which brought her to the attention of American producers such as Oliver Stone. It wasn’t long before she found herself starring opposite Michael Douglas, playing his daughter of all things, in the Wall Street sequel Money Never Sleeps. I know the tagline of the original was “greed is good” but surely Catherine Zeta Jones must be handful enough?! The image above shows Carey on the set of neo-noir road movie Drive, wearing shades - I suspect - not to look cool but to hide tired eyes from the glare of paparazzi! Should you want to see her naked, and I know you all hanker after nothing else, look no further than Steve McQueen’s tale of sex-addiction, Shame, in which she plays Michael Fassbender’s saucy sister Sissy. To be fair, there’s much more to this psychological drama than Mulligan’s mammaries, as gratifying as it may be to finally catch a glimpse!

If you can’t get enough of her loving (and who can?), Carey Hannah can also be seen, brassiere intact, opposite the likes of Jim Broadbent and Colin Firth in And When Did You Last See Your Father?; as Kitty Bennet in the film version of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, alongside Keira Knightley, Brenda Blethyn and Donald Sutherland; and in an ITV1 adaptation of Northanger Abbey as Isabella Thorpe. To bring her story smack-bang up to date, she has just finished working with Titanic heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio and Romeo + Juliet director Baz Luhrmann on a remake of The Great Gatsby, due out on Christmas Day, playing the role Mia Farrow brought to life in the 1974 film version of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, the superficial Daisy Buchanan. Give me your answer, do!

Whatever happened to the teenage dream?

When I was growing up, assuming that I did manage to climb to the top of that particular mountain, it was presumed that what children wanted on television in the way of drama was escapist fodder. Thus my memories are full of daring-do on the high seas, in shows such as Freewheelers, or moderately scary outer-space malarkey on Saturday teatimes during the late Sixties, in the company of Patrick Troughton and chums! Doctor Who was aimed at intelligent 12-year-olds, although I was a little younger when Pat was the Doc, but designed for all the family to enjoy. The lovelies that accompanied our hero were always suitably attired… yes, they wore miniskirts and, thus, showed a bit of leg but it never really went beyond that. If you wanted to see Wendy Padbury having sex, you wouldn’t see her engaged in the deed on either of the aforementioned series. You’d have to stay up late and catch her in Blood On Satan’s Claw for that kind of thing! Even when you got a bit older, sex was never really a staple for teenage consumption. The closest television was ever going to get to linking the two would be Marc Bolan and T.Rex encouraging us to Get It On, on Top Of The Pops in 1971. The girls dancing amongst the studio audience weren’t dressed to ever suggest that that prospect was an actual possibility.

So, here we are, 40 years on, and your offspring are more likely to want to watch Hollyoaks or Skins than an episode of Doctor Who or The Sarah Jane Adventures. It’s not hip to enjoy a rollicking good yarn with the faint hint of a moral message in these enlightened times. We’ve got to concern ourselves with the issues of the day and wallow in all things problematical. Is Johnny finally coming out of the closet or has he just been in the bathroom an awfully long time?! Is Jenny on the pill and having underage sex? Probably, considering how much mascara she has on, not to mention the boob spillage from her low-cut tops! It isn’t just 16-year-old girls that want to watch Skins. If they have a younger sister, the sibling won’t want to be left out. They’ll want to see it too, even though I presume it’s the older lasses who are the target audience. The lads will be tuning in to see how much flesh is on display, rather than to learn about safe sex. Childhood no longer exists anymore. It’s been gradually eroded away by commercial interests, despite self-appointed moral guardians doing their level best to stop anyone, of any age, from being remotely titillated by anything they see on the box. Alf Garnet once complained he couldn’t find the pornography Mary Whitehouse was fussing over… and he’d looked on every channel!

The Tracks Of My Tears

London’s Leicester Square was transformed into a running track, earlier in the week, for the premiere of new athletics film Fast Girls. The British drama, released only weeks before the London Olympics (oh, how I’m looking forward to that!), follows a female sprint relay team as they attempt to qualify for a world championship. Its main actresses, who faced a gruelling training regime before making the film, swapped their sweaty Lycra running costumes for designer gowns as they arrived on a red carpet complete with track markings at the Odeon West End. Leading lovelies Lenora Crichlow, best known for her role as Annie in Being Human, and Lily James were joined by co-stars Whitechapel actor Phil Davis and Rose’s on/off boyfriend in Doctor Who Noel Clarke - who co-wrote the film - and real-life sporting personalities including Dame Kelly Holmes.

James said the rigorous exercise and diet routine, to prepare for the part, drove her to tears at times. “It was such a change physically and mentally at first,” she explained. “It was really, really hard. When filming wrapped, it was Christmas, so I ate and I ate and I ate. My stomach was bursting at the seams.” It sounds as though Lily should be in the next Alien sequel! The actress went on to say she had more respect for real athletes since making the film, and joked that she was keen to show off her new skills at the Olympics. “I might compete! I’ve been thinking about it,” she quipped. “But, I’ll let them have their day!”

Crichlow, who plays James’ rival on the track, said she could not stop reading the script when she first received it. “I think it’s a really fresh, unique way of telling an age-old underdog story,” she said. For my money, the extraordinarily beautiful Lenora is the black answer to Billie Piper. “It’s got fantastic female British leads,” she added. “They’re the heroes of the piece. It’s a really positive way of depicting women.”

Fast Girls is released nationwide on Friday, June 15th.

Opening salvo

Doctor Who will return in September, this year, with an opening episode entitled Asylum Of The Daleks! Sounds intriguing. In the season which celebrates the programme’s Fiftieth Anniversary, in 2013, what better way to start than with a story that promises to feature every single Dalek design ever seen in the series, since its inception in 1963, on screen simultaneously. This is how a series of Doctor Who should begin. Go in with all guns blazing! Some fans sometimes suggest the Daleks are overused, especially since the show’s return in 2005. But the statistics don’t really support their argument, even if it seems as though the pepper pots from Skaro are always popping up. It’s true that, in the general public’s eye, the mutant creatures are synonymous with the series. When Catherine Tate joined Doctor Who as companion Donna Noble, the actress assumed the Doctor battled the Daleks every episode… clearly a big fan! The two Peter Cushing Doctor Who films, of the 1960s, did much to reinforce this notion, so it is understandable. Never underestimate the importance of the Daleks in regards the popularity of Doctor Who. You’re less likely to do so, I think, if you grew up during their initial heyday, rather than in the programme’s second decade where the makers of the series perhaps became less interested in harnessing their full potential.

Pictured with current Doctor Who regulars, Matt Smith and Karen Gillan, is an appropriately dust-and-cobweb-covered version of a Dalek not seen in a Doctor Who adventure since 1967! I see this particular metal menace every night, before going to bed, and each morning, before my Malt Bites, because a scale model resides on my dressing table. Personal problems aside, this Dalek-type last saw the light of day in the original Series Four finale The Evil Of The Daleks. This seven-parter was supposed to herald “the final end” of the Daleks whilst creator Terry Nation tried, unsuccessfully, to flog them to the Americans. Apart from the first-ever repeat of an entire serial, a year after its initial broadcast, and not counting the odd cameo, the Daleks wouldn’t be seen again in the series until the beginning of Season Nine. With the exception of episode two, which saw the introduction of my all-time favourite companion Victoria Waterfield played by Deborah Watling, The Evil Of The Daleks is one of many stories missing from the BBC archives - Exterminated by the carelessness and crassness of bureaucracy! The Daleks themselves would be proud of such vile annihilation. It’s also the adventure many fans would most like to see recovered. Fury From The Deep is top of my list but Evil is second.

Much of the filming for the new Seventh Series of Doctor Who has been taking place abroad. The Producers must be onto some good package deals, considering the show has always been so budget conscious! But, they’ve visited Spain and are currently in the United States. Specifically, Matt, Karen, and Arthur Darvill are presently recording in Central Park, Manhattan - the very location of the David Tennant two-part Dalek adventure from five years ago. Except, David, and Freema Agyeman, never got to visit New York for the story, using Cardiff as a double instead! It reminds me a little of when Janet Fielding (Tegan) left the series, back in 1984, only for the next story to be partly shot in Lanzarote! Incoming Nicola Bryant (Peri) had all the benefits!! It seems unlikely the Daleks will also be revisiting Manhattan Island, as the logistics would surely make this impractical, but you never know what’s around the corner in the worlds of Doctor Who. They’ve shipped a red double-decker bus out to Dubai, in the past, so what’s a multiplicity of Daleks?!! In a television universe that’s seen fit to abandon Survivors, Outcasts, Spooks, Hustle, Medium and even Doctor Who Confidential, not to mention banishing the 53-year-old Blue Peter to CBBC, in favour of interminable coverage of both the Olympic Games and Queen’s Jubilee, I, for one, am looking forward to the next series of Doctor Who!

The Actor Factor

As pop temptress Rihanna embarks on her maiden voyage of discovery, in the acting world, aboard Peter Berg’s Battleship, it’s as good as time as any to take a brief look at how other chart-toppers have fared upon leaving the relative comfort of the recording studio to try their hand at this alternative profession! Rihanna isn’t the first honey to don combats. Kylie’s already been there, done that… and surprisingly good in them she looked too. Street Fighter was terrible, also based on a video/computer game, but she was sufficiently distracting to take our attention from villain Raul Julia’s over-the-top performance. Sometimes the line is blurred as to whether or not a singer is a singer, from the outset of their career, or an actor/actress first. Kylie Minogue started out in Neighbours, of course, and she recently returned to acting for a one-off appearance in Doctor Who, appropriately on board the luxury Starship Titanic, but she’s best known as a pop starlet whose snug bottom fits golden hot pants to perfection! Rihanna’s debut, as Raikes, looks like being an even more explosive affair, as she kicks butt all the way to kingdom come, although the director insists that, unlike other movies of this type, Battleship doesn’t lose sight of its characters.

Billie Piper trained as an actress but started in show business, at the tender age of 16, as a pop star and it wasn’t until she joined the cast of Doctor Who that anyone seemed to realise. Unlike Kylie, we won’t be hearing any new recordings from Billie for a while… she now seems embarrassed by her former career and has put it well and truly behind her! The same seems to be the case for Hannah Spearritt. After initial success with S Club 7, she’s perhaps better known, at present, for her starring role in Primeval. But will she find any more acting work in the future, once the ITV sci-fi series has expired for good? Irish songstress Samantha Mumba also had a brief flirtation with the genre, when she appeared in the most recent adaptation of HG Wells’ The Time Machine, but it doesn’t seem to have led to greater roles or a return to pop. Britney Spears dabbled, in buddy movie Crossroads (no, not the Birmingham-based soap opera of the same name!), but seems happier when strutting her funky star-spangled stuff (spank her booty, one more time)!! The less said about Madonna the better, except when blow-drying her armpits, while playing herself opposite Rosanna Arquette, in Desperately Seeking Susan.

Perhaps the most successful collaborations between pop singers and moviemakers has occurred when the groove merchants have teamed up with director Nicolas Roeg. First there was Mick Jagger, working with James Fox, in gangster flick Performance. Art Garfunkel had a tempestuous relationship with Roeg’s wife, Theresa Russell, in Bad Timing. Best of all, however, was when David Bowie played alien Thomas Jerome Newton in Nic’s adaptation of Walter Tevis’s novel The Man Who Fell To Earth. I suppose you could argue Bowie was playing himself, after a succession of pop alter egos that include Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane and The Thin White Duke, but the result is still one of the most thought-provoking science fiction films about alienation ever made. Bowie’s had a reasonably successful stint as an actor, also starring in Tony Scott’s dreamlike vampire-fest The Hunger; as a goblin in Terry Jones’s Labyrinth, a sort of cross between Monty Python and Sesame Street; and alongside Tom Conti and Ryuichi Sakamoto in harrowing prisoner of war saga Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence. He even made a cameo in David Lynch’s Twin Peaks prequel Fire Walk With Me. So, I guess you could say the Starman is multitalented!

The Prettiest Star

The viewing public often think the term Best Actor or Actress applies to how good looking they find a particular personality, whether on television or in movie theatres! This is, of course, not the case. The term refers to those lucky few ladies and gents who have honed their craft to the pinnacle of perfection, as perceived by their peers. This piece isn’t necessarily about them but, as an heterosexual male, concerns women I think have been blessed with extraordinarily good looks, those with a pleasant face who are nice to look at. If these ladies are really fortunate, they may possess a talent as well! My selection is purely subjective. Some men, no doubt, find Clare Balding better looking than Marilyn Monroe. But a pleasing persona is equally important. If one is irritated by particular phrases or quirky mannerisms, an otherwise perfectly charming member of the opposite sex is going to come across as unattractive, dare I say ugly! But, I’m not going to dwell on those unfortunates; rather move swiftly on to the gals with bucket loads of charisma and oodles and oodles of sex appeal…

As a child, I found myself attracted to some of the actresses playing the companion in Doctor Who, namely Anneke Wills, Deborah Watling and Wendy Padbury. I had a crush on pop singer Sandie Shaw and was disappointed when Gabrielle Drake failed to make an appearance in the latest episode of UFO. As I moved into my teenage years, I was torn between Jenny Agutter and Judy Geeson. Jenny is gorgeous as an abandoned schoolgirl in the Australian outback in Walkabout, and as “Stay off the line, Bobbie” in The Railway Children, but is at her most perfect in dystopian science fiction thriller Logan’s Run. She and Judy both featured in Churchill-kidnap saga The Eagle Has Landed while Judy and Debbie went on to appear on television in Danger UXB. Judy’s sister Sally was an added attraction to ITV sitcom Bless This House. Some of Hammer’s finest, also the James Bond franchise, partly owe their success to the added glamour of starlets such as Linda Hayden and Caroline Munroe. As the Seventies drew to a close, Sandie was usurped by “the pull of the bush”, Kate Bush!

By 1984, the black and white dollies of the Patrick Troughton era of Doctor Who found themselves giving way to the ample charms of Nicola Bryant. Judy and Sally Geeson made way for another pair of acting sisters, Caroline and Susannah Harker. Susannah made her name in productions such as House Of Cards and Pride And Prejudice while Caroline achieved much the same in Middlemarch, Moll Flanders, Fay Weldon’s Growing Rich, and with David Jason in A Touch Of Frost. Never much of a fan of this plodding detective drama, I didn’t minded watching an episode if WPC Hazel Wallace was in on any action! More recently, I’ve been drawn to Medium, remembering Patricia Arquette from Eighties’ horror-fest Dream Warriors, the third instalment of A Nightmare On Elm St., only to fall for her onscreen daughter Ariel, portrayed by upcoming actress Sofia Vassilieva. Sofia is, quite possibly, the most stunning looking girl I’ve ever seen and yet she seems to carry herself with such poise and grace. Jenny Agutter and Caroline Harker have been joined in my affections by sweet Sofia!

Baptism Of Fire

The Doctor Who production team have confirmed that Jenna-Louise Coleman will first be seen as the Doctor’s new companion in the series on Christmas Day. The actress was briefly questioned about her new role when she appeared on This Morning recently, alongside Perdita Weeks, to promote ITV1’s Titanic. Her lips were sealed, however, as she wasn’t giving anything away! It’s still not known what will be the name of her character or if Karen Gillan’s Amy Pond will leave during the same episode or exit during the previous story. I still predict Amy will depart on Christmas Day. There are many examples to back either possibility, of course, littered throughout the programme’s history. Katy Manning’s Jo Grant left at the end of The Green Death to be replaced by Elisabeth Sladen’s Sarah Jane Smith in the following story, The Time Warrior, whereas Bonnie Langford’s Mel left in Dragonfire, the same story in which Sophie Aldred’s Ace arrived. We’ll just have to wait and see.

On the scripting front, if you enjoyed the Doctor Who episodes School Reunion, The Vampires Of Venice and The God Complex, in the revival of the series, then you’ll be pleased to learn that, despite his writing commitments on horror comedy Being Human, Toby Whithouse will be returning to everyone’s favourite science fiction series for its Seventh Season. It’s believed he will be penning one of the early episodes so will be writing one of Amy’s final tales. It has also been decided there will be no two-parters this time around which, I think, is a shame. It’s the only real opportunity for a story to develop and allow an audience to get to know some of the peripheral characters, as well as build up to an increasingly rare but all-important cliff-hanger… even if they are not always resolved that convincingly, it’s still fun to include them. So, it only remains to wish you all a very Happy Easter and send Jenna-Louise Coleman best wishes as she is thrown in at the deep end!

Something wicked this way comes…

I’ve never been much of a fan of Being Human… until now! I’ve always watched it because I believe in supporting what little telefantasy comes our way. I can only put my change of heart down to the change of cast. Over eight episodes, the Fourth Series - completed on Sunday on the otherwise ghastly BBC Three - dispensed with the entire original cast of vampire Mitchell (Aidan Turner), werewolves Nina (Sinead Keenan) and George (Russell Tovey), and finally ghost Annie (Lenora Crichlow) in favour of new werewolf Tom (Michael Socha), new vampire Hal (Damien Molony), and introducing new ghost Alex (Kate Bracken). I’m hoping that Series Five will see a return of the other new werewolf-in-the-pack Allison (Ellie Kendrick), introduced in my favourite episode of the season, Puppy Love, as a replacement for Nina and partner for Tom. The transitional nature of this series was reminiscent of the Twenty-First Series of Doctor Who, which underwent a similarly radical change of cast… back in 1984! Michael Socha made semi-regular appearances in last year’s run of Being Human and returned - full-time - as lovable as ever, more so. I anticipated Lenora Crichlow’s departure and Kate Bracken looks like being a worthy successor but what really astounded was the performance of Damien Molony, in the light that Hal Yorke is his first television role. The original cast were fine but, for me, the new cast is a marked improvement.

The main plot of this year’s series of Being Human centred around baby Eve, daughter of George and Nina and would-be-saviour of mankind, whom Annie takes it upon herself to mother. Future Eve (Gina Bramhill) has herself killed (as you do) and returns through time, via purgatory (as you do when you’re deceased!), in order to terminate herself as infant because her survival will mean the survival of the vampire species and the end of human civilisation as we know it! Eve is both saviour and nemesis which she flippantly dismisses with the line, “Talk about multitasking!”. This is, of course, the same time paradox set up as in the Jon Pertwee Doctor Who story The Day Of The Daleks and reused in The Terminator franchise but, if you’re going to borrow, you might as well borrow from the best! The real dilemma though is how can anyone bring it upon themselves to kill a defenceless infant despite the knowledge that, otherwise, they will initiate the downfall of mankind. This is also the essential premise of the Tom Baker Doctor Who story Genesis Of The Daleks. In Being Human, there is no cop-out! Writer, and series creator, Toby Whithouse is clearly a man with balls of steel!! The baby dies. It’s not dwelt on excessively but, nevertheless, the infant passes over to the other side, along with Annie, to rejoin its natural parents and reunite the original house-sharing quartet.

Although much humour is to be had over the last two months of Being Human, most - admittedly - of a very dark nature, it could be argued that the series does take an awfully long time for the arc to reach the point at which it can begin to resolve itself. It isn’t until the end of the penultimate episode that the vampire-threat-en-masse The Old Ones arrive, led by the ever-reliable Mark Gatiss (perhaps typecast after the Doctor Who story The Lazarus Experiment?), as Mr Snow, at which point he utters just four words, “Well then… who’s hungry?”. Compare this with the three-part Sylvester McCoy Doctor Who story Survival, from 1989, in which the Doctor comes face-to-face with his nemesis The Master after just twenty-five minutes! The arch-enemy turns to the Doctor and wryly exclaims, “Why Doctor… what an unexpected pleasure!”. It takes seven of its eight hours for Series Four of Being Human to arrive at the same point! The Doctor Who story runs to just an hour-and-a-quarter, in total, so speed is of the essence! Usually, I prefer my science fiction/fantasy straight but, in the case of Being Human, I like the humour and adore the domesticity. I can believe in it. For that reason, my preference is for the first three-quarters of this series over the last two instalments in which events reverted to the darker nature of Series Two and Three after, earlier, rediscovering the humour of the First!

New TARDIS totty revealed

Former Emmerdale actress Jenna-Louise Coleman has landed the role of the Time Lord’s new companion in Doctor Who, the BBC has confirmed.

Producer Steven Moffat announced the actress will replace Karen Gillan’s character Amy Pond when she leaves the show in the next series.

Coleman, 25, has also appeared in Waterloo Road (above) and is about to be seen in Julian Fellowes’ four part mini-series Titanic.

Jenna-Louise said, “I am beyond excited. I can’t wait to get cracking.”

I think it would be healthier for Doctor Who if Ms Coleman was on board from the start. Fresh blood is always good for the series and the sooner the better…

The Amy/River storyline has run its course. It made the last series drag and spoilt some otherwise interesting episodes. I’m tired of hearing the Doctor being called “Sweetie” and sick of the repetition of the oh-so-internet savvy “spoilers”. However, these tedious expressions are to be given yet another airing. More imagination is required.

I suspect Amy will go on Christmas Day, midway through the Seventh series, in yet another emotional tearjerker! The relief of not having to listen to actress Karen Gillan preface almost every other sentence with “I have to say” anymore, on Doctor Who Confidential, will be a most welcome present!!

Getting shirty

Towards the end of the recent F1 season, motor-racing pundit Eddie Jordan purchased a pink/maroon-coloured Indian shirt, which he duly wore at said country’s Grand Prix. Later, he decided to auction the garment as part of Children In Need, having persuaded various dignitaries, including a visiting Sir Paul McCartney, to sign it, albeit rather scruffily. I don’t know how much the item of clothing fetched, or even if it was sold at all, as I didn’t watch the evening’s ‘entertainment’, despite the dubious draw of a Doctor Who sketch! The prospect of sitting through continuity tarts Tess Daly, Fearne Cotton and Alesha Dixon, for such an exhausting amount of time, held absolutely no appeal. I have occasionally wondered what became of Eddie’s shirt. Who would want such an item? What would they do with it once safely installed in their wardrobe? Would it have been laundered before leaving the confines of the BBC? It got me to thinking maybe other celebs should go down the same route, if they haven’t already, and would I be interested in purchasing any of their apparel?

As readers of this Journal are no doubt aware, I’m a fairly enthusiastic fan of Doctor Who! However, I’ve no interest in wearing David Tennant’s trench coat, even if it might make me look a little like Blade Runner’s Rick Deckard! I’m not particularly partial to bow ties either, even if they do possess a certain sartorial elegance! And maybe Chris Eccleston’s leather attire is better suited to The Stranglers’ Jean Jacques Burnel. Some of Billie Piper’s outfits, though, are a different matter. I wasn’t overly impressed with how she was dressed, on most occasions, but a few times they got it just right. I would’ve liked to have seen the white t-shirt she wore in Dalek, or the Union Jack one she wore in the Blitz two-parter, up for grabs. Even the orange affair Rose donned in the Olympic torch episode would be a welcome addition to any admirer’s collection! I wonder what became of the costumes after she left the series, when, presumably, the programme had no further use for them? I don’t recall seeing them at any of the programme’s exhibitions…

The thing is how far do you go when selling off a high-profile star’s clothing? There must be some out there who wouldn’t mind getting their hands on the thong Billie is wearing at the close of The Satan Pit, the backside of which is clearly visible over the top of her jeans on her return to the TARDIS. Others might prefer the thong which makes itself noticeable in the Doctor Who Confidential episode that accompanies Rose’s final regular appearance on the show. The problem is that these items probably belong to her rather than the BBC and she might not want to part with them. It’s all purely hypothetical as it’s quite likely these flimsy little pieces of cloth are probably long gone, worn out after frequent use… replaced by whatever is the latest fashion in these things. Doctor Who fans are mad. Graham Norton said so, so it must be true. I wouldn’t want to contradict his expectations so, if the described items no longer exist, I’d be quite happy acquiring the white bra our Billie is wearing in the above picture, even though she undoubtedly looks far better in it than I ever could!

Adventures of a lifetime

And so the final episode of The Sarah Jane Adventures was transmitted on Tuesday afternoon at 5.15pm on the CBBC channel. Part Two of The Man Who Never Was completed the curtailed run of the Fifth Season. There was talk that the series might continue without its leading lady. It’s happened before. Blake’s 7 survived, after the departure of Gareth Thomas, as did Taggart, on the death of Mark McManus. But the BBC finally took the opportunity to pull the plug. Credit to Russell T Davies, who fought hard to keep the show on air when it was threatened with cancellation earlier in its life. I believe the BBC took some persuading to make the show in the first place. Bringing back a character, popular in the Seventies, to front a programme aimed primarily at twelve to fourteen-year-olds doesn’t seem like an obvious choice! But it seemed to work, though, in real life, one would no doubt question the motives of a sixty-year-old woman hanging out with a bunch of school children, even if some of the children in question did look as though they were in their early twenties themselves! Yasmin Paige, as Maria Jackson, and then Anjli Mohindra, as Rani Chandra, certainly gave the adventures in which they appeared that additional bounce! But The Sarah Jane Adventures belonged to the late Elisabeth Sladen and, in the present economic climate, it is unlikely we shall see its kind again in the foreseeable future.

It’s a shame really. Programmes such as The Sarah Jane Adventures were commonplace once upon a time. Everyone took them for granted. ITV were always trying to create a winning formula with which they could rival Doctor Who in the mid-to-late Sixties and throughout the Seventies. For the most part, they were as successful. The obvious examples are the string, no pun intended, of hugely popular-to-this-day Gerry Anderson puppet series. They began in the Fifties, of course, but took off when Gerry and then-wife Sylvia turned their hands to science fiction. Supercar, Fireball XL5, Stingray, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet And The Mysterons, Joe 90 and The Secret Service were all hugely exciting. Live action series were equally as popular. Sexton Blake, Freewheelers, Timeslip, Ace Of Wands and The Tomorrow People all left their mark, as did UFO and Space: 1999 when the Andersons put Supermarionation behind them. Peter Davison’s first acting role was in The Tomorrow People, up against the very series he would eventually helm! We’ve seen their like since. The Demon Headmaster and Moondial were two such. Ironically, other than Sarah Jane, the last were Dark Season and Century Falls in the early Nineties, both excellently written by Russell T Davies. Children are being sold short without such fantasy stimulation, and televisual creativity will suffer further because of the demise of this genre!

Strictly Confidential

As the Prime Minister sups on another glass of claret to accompany a not inexpensive joint of roast lamb, and as the rich keep getting richer by not carrying loose change, and while the poorer among us deliberate over whether or not to invest in a six-pack of crisps (cheese and onion flavour), the future of broadcasting is being decided over at the BBC. You might think this a more mundane matter but, despite the country teetering on the brink of financial ruin, the impact of programming on the nation’s health and wellbeing should not be underestimated. My father has been trying to persuade me to indulge in a more modern television, one that doesn’t drift out of tune five minutes into a programme and every few minutes thereafter, one that actually comes complete with a SCART socket! He’s even offered to purchase the thing for me. My thoughts, however, have been leaning towards chucking the old set out and not bothering to replace it. Why, you might be inclined to ask? The answer is simple. Quality drama is in decline. We’ve been told the 20% cuts, to be implemented by the BBC between now and 2017, will hardly be noticed. Unless you’re a totally casual viewer, this simply isn’t true. I’ve been noticing it all year, even prior to the recent announcement, and the axing of BBC Three’s Doctor Who Confidential, at the end of last month, is not an inducement to my continued support.

Added to the demise of Confidential is the knowledge that Doctor Who itself will not be returning until the Autumn of next year. The next series will again be split in two so that the second half will not actually see the light of day until the Spring of 2013. In other words, one series spread over two years. And, all this as the programme approaches its Fiftieth Anniversary in November 2013. Presumably, this will mean next year’s Christmas Special is sandwiched between the two halves of the Seventh Series. All in all, the proposed schedule means less new content than was broadcast over 2008 and 2009 when the Fourth Series was followed by a handful of specials. Doctor Who fans should’ve got rid of their television sets back in 1989 when the show was quietly cancelled following the furore of four years earlier. The resulting accumulative-reduction in license income would’ve forced the BBC to rethink their strategy and reinstate the programme forthwith. Thus, consequently, there would not have been a sixteen-year hiatus. Then, perhaps, the series might still be more like it used to be! Money is tight, I know, unless you’re a politician or banker, but you can rest assured that Strictly Come Dancing will return year after year, budget intact, regular as clockwork, to appease all upstanding simpletons! The only Come Dancing I want to hear is by The Kinks!!

Inspecting Wexford

When Doctor Who finished in 1989, the series of serials that replaced it in my affections was a TVS production called The Ruth Rendell Mysteries. At the centre of these psychological whodunits was a grumpy, weatherworn copper called Chief Inspector Wexford. He was played with tremendous subtlety by a brilliant character actor, mixing tenderness with anger, sympathy with outrage, and I received the news of George Baker’s passing with great sadness. Wexford was a more open-minded policeman than his moralising sidekick, Mike Burden, though Christopher Ravenscroft gave an equally valid performance and the chemistry between the pair was electric. For me, while Jeremy Brett was the quintessential Sherlock Holmes, George Baker was the archetypal modern-day bobby. While not wishing to take anything from the late, great John Thaw’s superlative portrayal of Inspector Morse or Roy Marsden’s thoughtful take on Commander Adam Dalgliesh, the detective holding the greatest appeal was George Baker’s Reg Wexford.

Part of the attraction of The Ruth Rendell Mysteries lay in its format. Each series consisted of several self-contained stories invariably told over multiple episodes. Towards the end of its run, Wexford adopted the Morse structure of imparting a narrative in a single 103-minute film, to a certain degree, and perhaps these were less successful, creatively speaking. But, for the majority of its life, the chosen construct consisted of 51-minute episodes, unravelling its multiplicity of puzzles over two, three or occasionally four-part adventures. In that respect, it became a natural successor to the Time Lord’s escapades, while Cracker adopted the same strategy subsequently. Brian Bennett’s terrific theme tune must, surely, also be a contributing factor to the programme’s immeasurable success.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t in on the magic from the very beginning! I missed, and still haven’t seen to this day, the first television adaptation of a Ruth Rendell Inspector Wexford novel. Entitled Wolf To The Slaughter, it was told over four parts. I believe it was transmitted earlier in the day than subsequent stories. I picked up on the series from the second serial, A Guilty Thing Surprised, related in three episodes and guest starring Michael Jayston and Nigel Terry, and never missed a single broadcast thereafter. I’m not sure why Wolf To The Slaughter has never been repeated on ITV3, or released on VHS or DVD? The other stories have seen the light of day since their initial broadcasts, although ITV now seem to own only the rights to screen the last three tales, Simisola, Road Rage and Harm Done. My favourites include Kissing The Gunner’s Daughter, a four-part investigation into multiple murder which concluded the final series; The Mouse In The Corner, a two-part discourse concerning the abuse of a spouse; but, best of all, An Unkindness Of Ravens, detailing nasty goings-on amongst a female collective and featuring the gorgeous Imogen Boorman (Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, Casualty) as a murderous schoolgirl!

Although Wexford was probably his most famous role, Baker’s repertoire included comedy, drama, soap operas and science fiction over a remarkable six decades. In the mid-Sixties, he appeared in Dennis Potter’s Alice opposite Deborah Watling, before she became my favourite Doctor Who companion! He guest-starred in Doctor Who himself, alongside his namesake Tom Baker, and, between those two, in the first series of the original version of Survivors. He played Number Two in the first episode of the original version of The Prisoner, then shared screen time with John Hurt, Derek Jacobi and Brian Blessed in I, Claudius. On the big screen, amongst numerous roles, he featured in three of the James Bond series, firstly You Only Live Twice (1967), then On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) and latterly The Spy Who Loved Me (1977). But, the film most are likely to recall is The Dam Busters (1955). George died yesterday of pneumonia, aged 80, having recently suffered a stroke. He will be remembered as a meticulous man, always smartly presented, who, interestingly, retained a record of all those with whom he worked, both in front of and behind the camera. He met his third wife, Louie Ramsay, on the set of The Ruth Rendell Mysteries, ironically cast as on-screen wife Dora. She passed away just seven months ago.

Release Roderick!

You don’t have to have a speech impediment to work at the BBC but it sure-as-hell helps! Replacing the letter r with a w is not necessarily a bad thing though. It’s definitely an attention grabber when done with alliteration. And, if the presenter with the problem delivers the script with boundless enthusiasm, they’ve almost certainly got it made. One such, at the present time, is Dr Lucy Worsley. She’s a diminutive historian who has just completed a three-part BBC Four series entitled Elegance And Decadence: The Age Of The Regency, detailing how British culture was transformed in the early 19th century. We’ve learnt about Britain’s construction boom, following the defeat of Napoleon, and heard the gossip which led to a backlash against the Prince Regent’s excesses… and all to a soundtrack including The Stranglers’ Nice ‘N’ Sleazy in the second instalment!

But it was the trailer for Elegance And Decadence: The Age Of The Regency which initially caught the attention. It’s not just that said trailer has been played to death but whoever wrote it categorically set out to exploit poor little Lucy’s lisp! Why else would they ask her to say, “Britannia really did rule the waves” knowing it would air again, and again, and again! She’s cute but I suspect she’s a no-nonsense lady who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. A big fan of Jane Austen, Lucy soon put one interviewee in his place, pointing out the camera was still rolling when he started to flirt with her. Then there was the Royal Mail coachman who called her “love” as if she’d just boarded a number sixty-nine bus!

To complement Dr Lucy’s show, BBC Four elected to repeat The Romantics, another three-parter, presented by Peter Ackroyd and detailing the effects of literature on historical movements. Each episode was illustrated liberally with the lyricism of Lord Byron, John Keats and Percy Bysshe Shelley played by the likes of David Threlfall, a million miles away from Frank Gallagher, and TARDIS incumbent-in-waiting David Tennant. Peter, like Dr Worsley, ‘suffers’ from a speech defect, though, and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me saying, I don’t find him as alluring as the lovely Lucy. But he delivers with a great deal of panache, worthy of one of the great romantic poets himself, repeatedly gazing off into the middle distance - not unlike Derek Thompson’s Charlie in numerous episodes of Casualty!

One right, royal, pain in the arse I’m glad to see the back of from the BBC is Jonathan Ross. He’s defected to ITV, claiming he was at the peak of his game when earning six million at the Beeb. What game was that, Wossy? Duping the license payer into watching non-interviews in order to fund a telephone habit? Every time I read anything about him, the article always mentions Andrew Sachs. And, I’ve just mentioned him too! JR’s first show on ITV1 gained ‘respectable’ ratings, though, back in the day, Doctor Who was cancelled for achieving its lowest-ever viewing figures with approximately the same figure, a little over four million. Ross’s numbers can only decline hereon in, especially after the deadly-dull interview in which Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton revealed his girlfriend, ex-MoggyDoll front woman Nicole ScarySinger, squeals especially for him! Whoopee!!

Doll parts

He’s shagged Susan Lynch, stolen a bus (causing pensioners to miss their regular game of bingo!), blown up a house (using its central heating system!!) at precisely 6pm and much, much worse in Cracker… attempted to blow up a London railway terminus, as a terrorist in Spooks… mutinied, then had his back flayed for his trouble, in Hornblower… and, if all that wasn’t enough, he wasn’t a particularly pleasant character in Survivors either… but Andrew Tiernan never short changes the viewer. Andy, as he was credited in this week’s episode of Doctor Who, always turns in a bloody good performance. He played the landlord of a rundown block of flats in Bristol, demanding rent money with the menacing aid of his bruiser-of-a-dog, Bernard! Andy had many of the story’s best lines and moments, bemoaning there was nothing to watch on television except thirty-year-old repeats of Bergerac. Lord knows why he was tuned into Yesterday if he was after the boxing! He brilliantly got sucked into his mangy old carpet much to the total disinterest of his pet but, best of all, was his transformation into one of the demon dolls! Possibly the finest use of special effects since Richard Wilson grew a gasmask in the first series.

Then there was Daniel Mays, whose career continues to be in the ascendancy. ITV3 have been running the 2007 movie Atonement, in which he co-stars with James McAvoy, a romantic drama where a man is accused of a rape he didn’t commit. More recently, Daniel attempted to sort out Gene Hunt’s nick, not the easiest task you can imagine, in the third-and-final series of Ashes To Ashes before being banished to the outer reaches of the solar system in Survivors-style drama Outcasts. In Doctor Who he played Alex, father to a little boy, George, unsure how to connect with his son’s phobia of the dark - when all the scary things come out to play. Boy George turned out not only to be adopted but also alien, living his life in fear of rejection. The coming together of father and child, at the story’s climax, was a pure Railway Children moment, and all the more moving for that! If you’re going to “borrow” then do it from the best!!

And the man who wrote Night Terrors, which may well turn out to be this year’s finest episode of Doctor Who… well, all his previous scripts have been set in the past whereas his latest is set in the present day. He tackled Dickens in The Unquiet Dead, when the novelist was in the last year of his life and about to embark on The Mystery Of Edwin Drood, while Christopher Eccleston was The Doctor… bullying in The Idiot’s Lantern, set during the Queen’s Coronation in 1953, was his next choice of subject after David Tennant had taken over the role… and, after a few years away from writing for Doctor Who, he returned to the fold, last year, to pen Victory Of The Daleks, in which the pepper pots from Skaro were outgunned by Matt Smith, with a great deal of help from the forces and spitfires assembled by a certain PM Winston Churchill. I’m talking about Mark Gatiss, author of all three, whose latest (fourth) instalment of everyone’s favourite science fiction series also included the death of a dear, little old lady by multiple black bin bags! Maybe it was because she looked like Patricia Hayes whilst sounding like Frank Spencer?! When Steven Moffat relinquishes his post as show runner, and assuming he wants the responsibility of the top job, surely Mark is his natural successor.

Let’s Stick Together

When it comes to relationships, television - and the BBC in particular - is obsessed with two diametrically opposite aspects. One was laboriously regurgitated, for the umpteenth time, in last week’s seventh episode of Torchwood: Miracle Day. Russell T Davies has his agenda, which he will doggedly pursue to the end of days, that isn’t helping his cause, either as writer or in terms of sexual orientation, in any way whatsoever. Eighties’ Doctor Who producer John Nathan-Turner was homosexual but didn’t insist on forcing it down our throats, if you’ll pardon the expression, at every available opportunity! All RTD is doing is, metaphorically, boring the pants off everyone by carping on about it and, yes, I know the episode in question wasn’t actually written by him! And, yes, I’m fully aware the instalment was authored by a woman! Similarly, the BBC’s other preoccupation, concerning affairs of the human heart, is about to be foisted upon us, yet again, in a dramatisation of the recent Royal Wedding. Ex-Spooks actor, and one of the many stars of the superlative BBC adaptation of Dickens’ Little Dorrit, Matthew Macfadyen will play heir to the throne HRH Prince William. Ex-EastEnder, though still a Bionic Woman in my eyes, Michelle Ryan will slip into the shoes, if not the smaller brassiere, of Kate Middleton while Rowan Atkinson, assuming he has made a full recovery from his recent motoring accident, will once again attend the Royal Court… this time as best man Prince Harry!!

Alright! It’s a tissue of lies. I made it all up! The BBC aren’t spending any more of the licence payers’ hard-earned reminding us how certain wealthy sectors of the population choose to overindulge. The Royal Wedding reputedly cost fifty-three million pounds which makes the five million smackers that Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone spent on his daughter Petra’s nuptials seem like chicken feed. I do think spending £4,000 per bottle of wine is obscene though. Apparently, both Fergies were there! The ex-Royal, who wasn’t invited to the Royal Wedding, and the female member of Vengaboys sound-alike pop combo The Black Eyed Peas. Stacey and the boys were paid a whopping one-and-a-half million to perform whereas Sarah was the one who could’ve probably done with the cash. Instead, she had to make do with emulating her eldest daughter’s performance at the earlier bash by turning up in another silly hat… presumably! Even the rather feisty Mels, in this week’s opening episode of Doctor Who, lied (or did she?) claiming not to “do” weddings when we all know the series, and its two spin-offs, is obsessed with them. I won’t bore you all to buggery by recounting every single occasion we’ve seen a white meringue in the last seven years. If, in the series finale, the Daleks unexpectedly trundle through the vestry door, and gatecrash The Wedding Of River Song crying ex-ter-mi-nate, then it’ll all have been worth the wait!