Whiter than White!

I feel I should apologise unreservedly for the gratuitous use of the word “knickers” in my previous post! I had no idea it could cause anyone the least offence. While I’m at it, I would also like to express deep regret for mentioning the unmentionable - “bra and panties” if you missed it, or couldn’t be bothered reading the text accompanying the supposedly salacious shot of t.A.T.u.’s lovely Lena! Following the premiere of Julie Walters vehicle “Filth: The Mary Whitehouse Story” last Wednesday evening, I bring the matter to your attention, now, upon the realisation that, were she still alive, Mary Whitehouse would not have found my article “appropriate”. But, then, she seems to have had no sense of humour whatsoever…

There is the possibility that the BBC are partially responsible for this country’s continuing decline in moral standards, whatever they may be, but to make a complaint, even back in 1967, over the airing of The Beatles’ witty classic “I Am The Walrus” defies belief! Mary was worried about the then-forthcoming transmission of the group’s “Magical Mystery Tour” TV movie, scheduled for broadcast on Boxing Day of said year, when many families would be watching, no doubt assuming that any mention of ladies’ lingerie would be a corrupting influence on impressionable minds. I find it hard to imagine the tireless campaigner listening to any pop record with such intensity, ready to jot down the slightest deviancy! The offending lyric, which caused Mrs Whitehouse much concern, reads…

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye.
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen,
I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob.

The inspiration for Lennon’s lyric actually comes from a playground nursery rhyme…

Yellow matter custard, green slop pie,
All mixed together with a dead dog’s eye,
Slap it on a butty, ten foot thick,
Then wash it all down with a cup of cold sick.

You could argue that the latter is more offensive than the former, certainly more disgusting, yet these words were heard out of the mouths of babes and sucklings long before the advent of the Nanny State. But the word that bothered Mary was “knickers”. The undergarment is simply an item of clothing, a piece of cloth, so I can only assume it was the association, that said piece of material actually comes into contact with a woman’s vagina, which bothered her. This says more about her state of mind than anything else! Surely, next post, I should apologise for using the word “vagina” but at least I didn’t use the vulva term “pussy” or, worse still, “cunt”!!

In the Eye of the Beholder

t.A.T.u. have released an extended video of “White Robe”, the lead single from their third studio album “Waste Management”, in which both Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova appear naked. Whether or not screen nudity upsets you, it isn’t in the least bit sensationalistic and works in the context of the narrative. Yulia is seen in the shower, water gushing over her breasts. In the original edit, the images were cropped to keep them hidden from view. Second time around, a close-up of one of her nipples is probably intended to suggest, in light of the closing revelation, that her breasts are full of milk ready to feed her unborn child. No doubt, some will suggest this is a marketing ploy. Red-headed Lena’s motives for stripping on camera are a little less clear, other than that she needs to change for work! At the start, she seems to be returning from a night on the town but it’s unclear whether or not she is moonlighting as a hooker. Her skirt is short enough to reveal her red knickers. These, in turn, are tight enough to show the cheeks of her bottom. She later removes them, together with her black bra and torn stockings, whilst lying flat on her back on her bed.

I believe the t.A.T.u. girls should’ve gone a stage further, at the end of the story, in the build up to Yulia’s execution. Rather than removing only the “White Robe” of the prisoner, it might’ve increased her vulnerability had the prison warders taken off Yulia’s bra and panties as well. With all “armour” removed, and heavily pregnant, it would have the effect of making the girl look completely defenceless. But, it’s only a minor quibble. However, I’m not sure the addition of a laughing audience, watching the “termination” of these two lives, adds significantly to the impact of the clip. I’ve never subscribed to the notion of nudity as naughty! None of it here relates, in any way, to sex but simply shows both characters as human. The girls are beautiful both in and out of clothes. After we’ve seen Lena completely naked, she appears in fresh underwear, distancing herself from her humanity by dressing in the uniform of executioner. To be honest, I think the shorter version of the song, which I posted back in January on my Jukebox blog, works better. Both realisations are hard-hitting though, regardless of preference!

Lily of the Valley

Miss Cole didn’t look like this in “St. Trinian’s”! She’s naughty in nightwear and dazzlingly demure donning unkempt school uniform, though not necessarily at the same time, but, here, looks like a heroine from a bloodcurdling Hammer Horror movie…

The lovely Lily appears as though she’s being pursued through the long and winding corridors of a great castle, somewhere in the Carpathian mountains, by a certain Count… with only a candle to guide her way.

Soft white breasts partially exposed from the plunging neckline of a deadly black ball gown, long flaming curly-red hair cascading wildly about her person, she must move quickly if she is to escape the clutches of the arch vampire.

For generations, Dracula has been looking for the perfect companion. Through all eternity, for a beauty to eclipse all others. And, now, at last he has found her… wined, dined and confined her inside the impossibly high walls of his sprawling estate.

But, the Count must make her his own. Lily must become an immortal, one of the undead… Nosferatu… be able to stride across the surface of the Earth, at his side, not just on this cold and chilly night but into infinity. She has feasted at his table and now he needs, desires, lusts, to feed on her, taste of her, drink from her… to join together, forever, in unholy matrimony.

Telly Visions: Lily Cole - Part Two

Since completing her role in “St. Trinian’s”, model-turned-actress Lily Cole has turned her attention to two other film projects. Work was actually begun on the first of these some fourteen months before landing the part of Polly in the schoolgirl crime caper. Shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, an American visually influenced by the various stage personas of David Bowie, planned to star Cole in his upcoming movie “Phantasmagoria: The Visions of Lewis Carroll” as Alice. Shorts from the movie have been posted on Marilyn’s website and a feature-length film is, supposedly, in pre-production. From the point of view of “Telly Visions”, it would be interesting to see Lily as Alice in that my first choice of actress in this blog series, Deborah Watling, also began her career playing the same character. I wonder how different is Manson’s vision of the subject to that of Dennis Potter’s?!!

The second project, involving Lily, sees her teaming up with former “Monty Python” animator-turned-director Terry Gilliam. She was signed to play the role of Valentina in “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” scripted by the director with his regular writing partner Charles McKeown. As well as Christopher Plummer and Tom Waits, the film was to have co-starred Heath Ledger. Originally scheduled for a 2009 release, production was postponed after Ledger’s untimely death. Plummer plays Parnassus, an immortal 1,000-year-old leader of a travelling theatre troupe that offers audience members a chance to go beyond reality through a magical mirror in his possession. Waits plays the Devil, with whom the Doctor has done a deal. Cole plays the Doctor’s daughter! (Another one!!) She falls foul of the Devil, when time comes to collect on the arrangement, and the troupe, which is joined by a mysterious outsider named Tony (originally Ledger), embark on a journey through parallel worlds to rescue the girl. Ledger’s role has been recast with Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell portraying physically changed transformations of Ledger’s character as he travels through different dimensions. Very interesting. It sounds not unlike “Doctor Who”, with an added touch of Peter J. Hammond’s recent “Torchwood” episode “From Out of the Rain”!

I hope Terry Gilliam’s film sees completion. Lily has suggested she finally wants to take up her place to read Social and Political Sciences at King’s College, Cambridge, to which she has already twice deferred entry. Education is important and, being an intelligent girl as well as a beautiful one, it would be wise for her not to miss out on such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It would be nice if she could fulfil both and no doubt this creates a dilemma for her. However, she seems to have already made the decision to put both her modelling and film careers on hold in pursuit of academic excellence. I must say, I don’t blame her. With the news that the go-ahead has just been given for a further instalment of “St. Trinian’s”, it would also be good to see her returning to the part of geeky-but-pretty Polly. I look forward to seeing how it all turns out for Lily.

Telly Visions: Lily Cole

I’ll be perfectly honest and tell you I could look at pictures of this girl all day - with or without her clothes on! She’s simply stunning. The supermodel type doesn’t usually appeal to me but Lily Cole is different. She has that pixie/elfin quality about her face that I, and many others, find so charming in Kate Bush. The shocking-red hair is, also, definitely an asset. And, Lily’s perfectly-shaped boobs aren’t exactly going to put anyone off either! She’s been modelling for about five years. The story goes that, when she was fourteen, she was walking through the streets of Soho, after a hamburger with friends, when a talent scout approached her. Fearing she was being chased by “some dodgy guy”, Cole ran. But, after being asked to consider modelling, she accepted and was signed on with Storm Models, the mother agency of supermodels such as Kate Moss. Lily is now one of the models in the Marks and Spencer-clothing advertising campaign, becoming the youngest model ever to participate in a promotion for the line. The Sunday Times stated, last year, that she’s already worth £6 million… and she only turned twenty yesterday!

Lily has started to break out of the modelling world and move into acting. She played Polly in last year’s successful remake of “St. Trinian’s”, alongside Rupert Everett, Colin Firth and new Bond girl Gemma Arterton. St. Trinian’s, for those of you who don’t know, is a school for what are generally termed “young ladies”! With its anarchic doctrine of free expression, this wonderful establishment of learning brings together a motley crew of ungovernable girls - posh totty, chavs, emos, geeks and first years - who, using their wit and ingenuity, save the institution from bankruptcy. Sounds like the ideal place for Kerry Katona! The bespectacled Polly is in the geek clique, though doesn’t Lily look lovely with glasses. However, don’t take my word for it… I’ve posted a selection of ten screen caps, on my Jukebox blog, in order for you to make up your own minds concerning the leggy lassie. Lily appeared in the “Comic Relief” video of “Walk This Way” with Girls Aloud and, conversely, the girl group appear as schoolgirls in the film! If the thought of all those stocking-and-suspender clad legs is getting too much, “St. Trinian’s” is now available to own on DVD!!!

Outstanding!

Myleene Klass never seems to be off our television screens these days! She’s another presenter about whom I feel ambiguous. I don’t like or dislike her but she is probably on too often. She first came to public attention in 2001, in another of those interminable talent shows that presently clog up the airways. Myleene was chosen, together with four other contestants, from the ten finalists on the ITV1 light entertainment series “Popstars” to form pop band Hear’Say. Commercially, the group was phenomenally successful, to begin with, but short-lived. Basically, Myleene and Kym Marsh didn’t get on with one another. You would’ve thought, for the sake of the cash, they might’ve agreed to disagree. Every group in the history of popular music has internal problems whatever their style of music. What I don’t understand is why a classically trained musician, such as Myleene, would enter a talent show to join such a band. I’m classically trained too, loved playing in rock bands in my youth, and still love pop music to this day but I do know its real worth. Let’s be honest, she could’ve at least joined something with a bit of credibility! I can only assume that money is more important to her than musical integrity. And, that breaks the one law of any real musician, regardless of their talent. She hasn’t remained true to the spirit of musicianship.

Myleene really is hard to pin down, so to speak! The, seemingly, classy lady is now perhaps best-known for taking numerous showers during the sixth series of “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”, in which she achieved, if that’s the right word, the position of runner-up. She’s apparently an expert in astronomy, having appeared on “The Sky at Night” with Sir Patrick Moore and Queen’s guitarist Doctor Brian May, while also being eminently knowledgeable about the world of fashion, recently popping up on “This Morning” to talk about swimwear. If she combined the two interests, Myleene could present a new show and call it “Heavenly Bodies in Bikinis”! Tonight, however, she is returning to her roots. Supposedly. I don’t really regard “The Classical Brit Awards” as having anything to do with what is now popularly termed “classical” music. It’s like lumping OutKast and Led Zeppelin in the same category in the “popular” music field. But, anyway, Myleene Klass presents from the ceremony at London’s Royal Albert Hall, presumably not in a bikini (and, that doesn’t mean she’s doing it naked - sadly!), with performances from usual suspects Andrea Bocelli and the beautiful Sarah Brightman. Seven awards will be given during the evening, with the Outstanding Achievement Award going to Andrew Lloyd Webber. You can catch Myleene, in all her glory, at 10.35pm on ITV1.

Warden’s Watch: The Doctor’s Daughter (or… Hello, Father-in-Lord!)

Twenty years ago, in “Silver Nemesis”, we were promised a story that would change the way we’d see the Doctor forever! Well, forever is a long time and the Sylvester McCoy/Cybermen story, not surprisingly, didn’t deliver the anticipated change in our perception of the lead character!! Now in its forty-fifth year, “Doctor Who” decided to have another attempt, in this week’s episode “The Doctor’s Daughter”, titillating the viewer with exactly the same proposition, but, once again, fell short of the mark. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. I did! In fact, it’s probably my second favourite episode of the season so far, as, despite overstating the story’s intention with the preceding hype, there was still much to commend it. The audience was, successfully, taken on that emotional journey of feeling the pain, and sense of loss, in daughter-heroine Jenny’s death only to feel the joy, moments later, in her resurrection. She didn’t regenerate, despite being the offspring of a Time Lord, but it was a purposeful twist in the tale of which the Doctor is, at present, unaware. I would love to revisit this new character, at some point, and the end seemed designed for a spin-off series. I can already hear groans of disapproval, but surely a show about a space-girl adventurer would go down far better with today’s children than one about a sixty-year-old reporter, however much we all love Sarah Jane!

The Hath were highly effective. When the creatures were all stood around stroking dear Martha’s hair, they reminded me of the Silurians in their lair, from their original 1970 adventure, whilst not looking dissimilar to their cousins the Sea Devils. We’ve had four good consecutive monster episodes of which I approve. And, speaking of Miss Jones, her reaction to the death of her new found Hath friend, Peck, was totally heartbreaking. Freema does have the acting range which some deny of her. I am guilty of the same regarding Catherine Tate. My mum, certainly not a fan of Tate’s sketch show, says this actress is highly believable in the role of companion, as the Doctor’s conscience, and I’m inclined to agree. The former “Runaway Bride” is coming across as a more complete human being than she ever did in her debut. Yes, she can still be extremely irritating but, at the same time, touching and isn’t that how most people are? Before you all start claiming that that’s a bit of a turnaround, in my feelings towards Donna Noble, I’m not entirely sure I haven’t lowered my expectations just a little, this year, in an attempt to enjoy the show more than hitherto! And, my mum might well enjoy Catherine, more than Billie, for the very same reason I suggested children might prefer Georgia Moffett, legs astride a giant rocket, kicking butt in her own action series.

I enjoyed Nigel Terry’s performance as General Cobb, but then I’m already partial to the actor. Having said that, I wasn’t greatly enamoured with Phil Davis as Lucius, in “The Fires of Pompeii”, and I admire him as well. So, it doesn’t automatically follow that, just because you like someone, you’ll always warm to a favourite actor’s every appearance! Nigel has that world-weary, downtrodden, look and deeply sonorous voice that make him ideal in such roles. I was disappointed to find no wallpapers of him on the BBC site. And, while I’m on the subject, it’s even more of an oversight that there are no images of Bernard Cribbins, as Wilfred Mott, either! Talking pictures, I’ve posted a small selection of uncropped screen caps in a new “As Seen On TV” feature on my Jukebox blog, as well as the episode’s three teasers, that I hope capture the essential spirit of the main storyline of “The Doctor’s Daughter”. I’m not sure I’ll enjoy next week’s episode quite as much. On the plus side, “The Unicorn and the Wasp” is directed by Graeme Harper, who made such a good job of “Planet of the Ood”, but, alternatively, I don’t much care for the Agatha Christie subject matter. I’d be only too happy to be proved wrong, though, and make it five good episodes in a row!

Telly Visions: Georgia Moffett

As I’m sure you’re all aware, Georgia Elizabeth Moffett is the daughter of the fifth actor to play the Doctor in “Doctor Who”, Peter Davison, and the actress who played Trillian in “The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy”, Sandra Dickinson. Georgia was born on Christmas Day, 1984, on the eve of her parents’ sixth wedding anniversary! After David Troughton, Private Moor in episode six of second Doctor adventure “The War Games” and King Peladon in Jon Pertwee/Ice Warrior escapade “The Curse of Peladon”, Miss Moffett is the second child of an actor who played the Doctor to have a speaking role in “Doctor Who”. She will be appearing in this weekend’s episode, in the pivotal part of Jenny. Her character is presumed to be none other than “The Doctor’s Daughter” - irony duly noted - and, no doubt, destined to become this year’s Sally Sparrow, in that she will be seen as the perfect companion who never was! Adding fuel to the fire, it’s rumoured she originally auditioned for the role of Rose Tyler!! But, then, every young actress under the sun seems to have applied for that particular job!!!

I expect it must prey on Georgia’s nerves, to a certain extent, being the offspring of other famous thespians, if her achievements are continually undermined and dismissed because of that very fact. She has already proved herself independent of her parents, certainly in the acting profession, in a returning role in ITV cop drama “The Bill”. Over a period of more than two years, from the end of 2002 to the beginning of 2005, Georgia played DS Samantha Nixon’s daughter, Abigail, on and off for a total of twenty-five episodes. “The Tripods” actress Lisa Maxwell played her mum so the science fiction connection, in a way, arrives full circle this weekend! Despite still only being twenty-three years old, last year Georgia worked with her real-life dad, playing Tanya, on his series “The Last Detective”, in an episode entitled “Once Upon a Time on the Westway”, in which Davison stars as DC “Dangerous” Davies! The young actress says Peter still hasn’t completely grasped that she’s actually in the same series he finished making nearly a quarter of a century ago! This Saturday, though, for one night only, well - apart from repeats, a different “Doctor” gets to be Georgia’s father!! But, is David Tennant really her dad?

Seizing Kerry’s Assets

For what, precisely, is Kerry Jayne Elizabeth Katona famous? Well, her original claim to this prodigiously prominent position is that she was once a part of pop-tart trio Atomic Kitten. But, rumour has it, she didn’t sing on some/any of their hits! Apparently, she merely spoke a few lines in just one of their songs!! So, what was the purpose of her being in the group, in the first place? They were put together eleven years ago by Andy McCluskey, of Eighties band Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, so you might expect he would’ve chosen someone who could actually sing! Kerry left/was-booted-out the Atomics just as they were on the verge of major commercial success, with their single “Whole Again”, ostensibly because of her pregnancy. However, I don’t recall any other instance, of being with child, preventing female aspirations in the pop industry.

On leaving the Pussies, Kerry married Westlife crooner Brian McFadden. God, can you imagine the sweet music coming out of their household! But, the union helped seal her familiarity, with the great British general public, and a couple of years later, in February 2004, Katona won the third British series of reality TV show “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” and was crowned “Queen of the Jungle”. For all that, the couple separated later the same year. Since then, she’s found happiness with a taxi driver, should you choose to believe it? In-between, the 27-year-old published her autobiography, “Kerry Katona: Too Much, Too Young: My Story of Love, Survival and Celebrity”, with the ironic placement, in the title, being on the word “Much”, in that it doesn’t imply affluence, rather austerity of upbringing, although I doubt very much if it was our Kez who thought of that!

Anyway, the reason for this potted history of Miss Katona is that she now faces bankruptcy to the sum of £475,000! I can only presume she must have made a fortune in order to spend one but has, obviously, exceeded her budget. You shouldn’t laugh at those, intellectually, less well off than yourself but I couldn’t help but smile when I read that a High Court judge agreed to give her a ten-week extension period, though warned that if she didn’t meet the deadline, receivers would seize her assets. It wasn’t her predicament I was smiling over but the terminology of the court. I conjured up images of a bewigged member of the judiciary making a beeline for young Kerry’s tits and, let’s face it/them, it’s the ample size of her bosom for which she’s really famous. The mother of four is, obviously, quite a handful so perhaps I should’ve called this post “Squeezing Kerry’s Assets”!

The Other Doctor

Things are looking up in the world of “Doctor Who”! After a run of five poor episodes, beginning with the last two of last year’s season, taking in the Christmas special, and concluding with the first two of the latest series, we’ve now had three good ones on the trot, up to and including last night’s “The Poison Sky”!! I had my doubts about the return of the war-loving clones but all involved seemed to pull it off with more than a twinkle in their eye. It helped that the masks actually moved with each actor’s facial performance together with the fact that these marauding aliens are far more chatty than those from either Skaro or Mondas. Christopher Ryan, last seen in “Doctor Who” nearly twenty-two years ago as Mentor Kiv in the “Mindwarp” segment of “The Trial of a Time Lord”, really seemed to be enjoying himself! Rose popped up briefly again, this time on the TARDIS monitor, and appeared to be mouthing the syllables of “Doctor” in a panicked state. But, best of all was Bernard Cribbins who reminded me of the proprietor of the Shangri La holiday camp, Burton, as played by “Please Sir” actor Richard Davies in the seventh Doctor story “Delta and the Bannermen”, in that he accepts the situation, however bizarre, and just gets on with it. Donna’s grandfather is truly a refreshing change from every single family member we’ve been introduced to over the last few years!

And, next week’s story looks like being a corker, too! Not only does the episode ironically feature fifth Doctor Peter Davison’s real-life daughter Georgia Moffett, as “The Doctor’s Daughter”, but also accomplished Shakespearean actor Nigel Terry, whom you may have seen in “The Ruth Rendell Mysteries” whodunit “A Guilty Thing Surprised” or, more recently, as Professor Stephen Curtis in two episodes of “Spooks”. 2008 is shaping up to be a monster year for our favourite science fiction series, in more ways than one… We’ve seen the return of the Ood and the Sontarans, which may well have had something to do with the upturn in quality, though not necessarily, and the Daleks are still to resurface with the Cybermen at the end of the year. The original “Monster” Season was the Fifth, from the classic era of the programme, despite not actually featuring any Daleks, with the exception of a repeat of “The Evil of the Daleks” from the previous year. Nearly two decades later, producer John Nathan-Turner tried to emulate this theme in Season Twenty-One. So, maybe at the back of the mind of Russell T. Davies is a desire to have a go at this himself. He wouldn’t want to feel left out at not having left his mark in every conceivable area!

While the latest episodes have been transmitting, the “Doctor Who” crew have been filming just a few miles down the road from me, at Gloucester Cathedral, the location used for many of the school sequences in the earlier “Harry Potter” movies. David Tennant’s Doctor has been attending a funeral. College Green was covered with artificial snow for a scene in which mourners, in Victorian costume, marched in front of a horse-drawn carriage carrying a coffin. It isn’t clear who is in the coffin but, at one point, Tennant watches with a grim expression as the hearse passes him. Neither Billie Piper, Freema Agyeman or Catherine Tate were present for filming, so your guess is as good as mine! While none of the familiar ladies of the new series were here, actress Velile Tshabalala was. She is rumoured to be a new companion. But, whose? Also on location was David Morrissey and attached to his trailer were the mysterious words “The Other Doctor”!! As you can see, he is certainly dressed to look like a Doctor but is he the eleventh or an incarnation from another dimension? The two Davids have worked together before on the BBC musical serial “Blackpool”. Since seeing David Morrissey as Colonel Brandon earlier in the year in “Sense and Sensibility”, I’ve been thinking what a terrific Doctor he might make. Maybe Russell caught his performance, too?