Country matters!

Whilst the leader of the Labour Party has been pontificating on society’s lack of moral fibre at his Party conference in Liverpool this week, a very different kind of party has been taking place in a muddy barley field near Bangor in Co Down! Pop singer Rihanna has been peeling off her clothes, while filming a music video on a farmer’s land, and he has told her to cover up! Good for him. Someone not afraid to speak his mind, whether rightly or wrongly. Put your tits away, love, ’cos we don’t want to see them in these here parts! It seems to me like a case of Rihanna Ft The Wurzels but is apparently a collaboration between her and DJ Calvin Harris. Who he? The shoot was being staged close to a busy dual carriageway when the ‘star’ stripped to a red bikini after removing a long checked dress. Some reports suggest that the bikini top came off too, not that I’ve read all of them! Imagine how many red-blooded, heterosexual, male drivers are going to be distracted by the sight of a young woman’s knockers, famous or not. Bloody motoring hazard if you ask me!

Alan Graham, the 61-year-old farmer in question, pulled up in his tractor and told floozy Rihanna he found her behaviour inappropriate. Let’s be honest, it takes a pretty self-confidant young woman to cavort, half naked, down amongst the cowpats! She is clearly a bit of an exhibitionist. Her lack of inhibitions is just the latest example of an attitude that has existed, amongst a certain type of person, since time immemorial. The girl is really a prostitute and the ‘music’ merely coincidental. It’s not hardcore sex but the record industry has been chipping away at standards as long as I can remember. No political party is going to do anything about it as long as the revenues keep pouring in. Jessie J has told us, “It’s not about the money” and yet that is precisely all it is about. Pop has far more to do with what is fashionable, of the moment, than having a true desire to contribute to genuine musical culture. The performers claim they are ‘artists’, an expression more pretentious than anything you will find in the world of what is unfortunately named ‘classical’ music.

The sight of Rihanna’s bare breasts became too much for Graham’s Christian beliefs so he politely asked filming to stop. Blimey! First politics, now religion, what is my fluffy Journal coming to?! Anyway, credit where credit is due, the scarlet woman understood where the farmer was coming from and the production ground to a halt. I don’t suppose she gives a toss? The crew will simply relocate and shoot the cleavage - sorry footage - elsewhere. These people have so much money coming out their collective ear holes, it doesn’t matter to them. Alan claimed he’d never heard of Rihanna despite having four children of his own. She’s as big as it gets as far as pop stars are concerned… only Beyonce has a fatter arse! Clearly, he wasn’t interested in dancing under her umbrella! But the incident ended well. The farmer and the cowhand should be friends. He didn’t put her over bended knee and spank her bare bottom. They parted company on good terms. I have a back garden which, while undoubtedly not as big as Mr Graham’s acres, I’m only too happy to rent out!

Knickers in a twist

It’s always a pleasure watching Deep Blue Sea on ITV2 - if only for the moment, about twenty minutes from the end, where Saffron Burrows strips out of her rubber wet suit, ostensibly to use it as insulation, to reveal her perfectly toned body… clad only in the most pristine-as-the-driven-snow bikini/underwear you’ve ever seen! She’s been through ordeal after ordeal and yet the two-piece swimsuit looks brand new - not a blemish on it!! One of the three augmented sharks is dead. There are two left and one is headed straight for her as she tries to retrieve her research into a cure for Alzheimer’s. Saffron has managed to get out of the water by climbing onto a conveniently positioned table. She notices some cabling to a light and decides to rip it from the wall and shock the shark. Cue the Alien rip-off as the gorgeous girl undresses down to her undies in preparation for the battle with the big beastie! In a way I prefer this inferior version of the scenario, simply because I happen to think Miss Burrows is better looking, and sexier, than Sigourney Weaver. Maybe that’s because Saffron has softer features, being an English rose, compared to the harder facial characteristics of the American?

You may have seen Saffron Burrows in other productions. She first came to my attention when she appeared in Dennis Potter’s Karaoke, and adorned the front cover of the Radio Times, fifteen years ago. She’s also more than a little corrupting in the feature film Enigma, concerning the war effort deciphering codes at Bletchley Park alongside Kate Winslet’s more straight-laced character. In Deep Blue Sea, Saffron’s female co-star is Antipodean actress Jacqueline McKenzie. She’s a bit of a looker, too. But, by the time our heroine is warding off one of the nasty monsters in her panties, juicy Jackie has sadly already bitten the dust. Except it was the shark doing the biting! I first saw Miss McKenzie in a three-part BBC adaptation of Ben Elton’s science fiction novel Stark, which also co-starred the author himself doing a spot of straight acting. Staying in the genre, Jacqueline is probably best known now for playing the lead in The 4400, a series detailing the return to Earth of a large group of alien abductees… all on the same day.

I hate rap! As far as I’m concerned, it’s the most tedious and monotonously nauseating noise ever marketed to and inflicted upon a gullible, musically illiterate, general public. However, if you want to know how many eggs to break to make the perfect omelette then LL Cool J is your man - and, no, I don’t have a stutter! That’s the rapper-turned-actor’s moniker but you won’t hear his recipe by tuning into Saturday Kitchen! LL is, actually, quite likable as the chief cook and bottle washer in Deep Blue Sea. When not gawping at Miss Burrows, keep an eye on the chef’s verbose parrot, as well as Samuel L Jackson’s equally loquacious moneyman. I guess that’s what happens to pets and politicians who talk too much! If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you’ve at least a couple of surprises in store! Despite Mister Cool J’s winning performance, I could’ve done without his closing theme song. Although, having said that, my head is like a shark’s fin when it comes to breaking the surface to take a peek at the sexy Saffy almost in the altogether. I only wish the camera had dwelt a little longer on her shapely form. Still, the lens certainly covers some interesting angles!

Outstanding!

Myleene Klass never seems to be off our television screens these days! She’s another presenter about whom I feel ambiguous. I don’t like or dislike her but she is probably on too often. She first came to public attention in 2001, in another of those interminable talent shows that presently clog up the airways. Myleene was chosen, together with four other contestants, from the ten finalists on the ITV1 light entertainment series “Popstars” to form pop band Hear’Say. Commercially, the group was phenomenally successful, to begin with, but short-lived. Basically, Myleene and Kym Marsh didn’t get on with one another. You would’ve thought, for the sake of the cash, they might’ve agreed to disagree. Every group in the history of popular music has internal problems whatever their style of music. What I don’t understand is why a classically trained musician, such as Myleene, would enter a talent show to join such a band. I’m classically trained too, loved playing in rock bands in my youth, and still love pop music to this day but I do know its real worth. Let’s be honest, she could’ve at least joined something with a bit of credibility! I can only assume that money is more important to her than musical integrity. And, that breaks the one law of any real musician, regardless of their talent. She hasn’t remained true to the spirit of musicianship.

Myleene really is hard to pin down, so to speak! The, seemingly, classy lady is now perhaps best-known for taking numerous showers during the sixth series of “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”, in which she achieved, if that’s the right word, the position of runner-up. She’s apparently an expert in astronomy, having appeared on “The Sky at Night” with Sir Patrick Moore and Queen’s guitarist Doctor Brian May, while also being eminently knowledgeable about the world of fashion, recently popping up on “This Morning” to talk about swimwear. If she combined the two interests, Myleene could present a new show and call it “Heavenly Bodies in Bikinis”! Tonight, however, she is returning to her roots. Supposedly. I don’t really regard “The Classical Brit Awards” as having anything to do with what is now popularly termed “classical” music. It’s like lumping OutKast and Led Zeppelin in the same category in the “popular” music field. But, anyway, Myleene Klass presents from the ceremony at London’s Royal Albert Hall, presumably not in a bikini (and, that doesn’t mean she’s doing it naked - sadly!), with performances from usual suspects Andrea Bocelli and the beautiful Sarah Brightman. Seven awards will be given during the evening, with the Outstanding Achievement Award going to Andrew Lloyd Webber. You can catch Myleene, in all her glory, at 10.35pm on ITV1.

Wild Child Claire Bares!

H.R.G. (Jack Coleman) needs to control that adopted daughter (Hayden Panettiere) of his a little better! She looks to be in need of some serious discipline!! I could help out, there, if he gives me a call!!! True, he grounded her a while back and, like all naughty teenage daughters, she got out through her bedroom window with the aid of a ladder and her doting Romeo. In the hair stakes, she seems to be sporting a bit of a Phil Oakey. Perhaps she’s getting down to “Open Your Heart”? She and her Dad certainly did exactly that in a “Railway Children” moment at the conclusion of the most recent chapter of “Heroes”, “Company Man”, in which Ted Sprague (Matthew John Armstrong) held the Bennet family hostage before going nuclear… but didn’t die. Claude (Christopher Eccleston) was shot repeatedly, turned invisible, and fell from a bridge… but, as we all know, because it was in black and white, and because it was a flashback and he is still alive in the present day, he didn’t die! And H.R.G. himself had the Haitian (Jimmy Jean-Louis) shoot him in X-marks-the-spot in order to effect Claire’s escape… and guess what?… Noah Bennet didn’t die either. All that violence without any casualties is more amazing than, say, possessing the superpower of retro-metabolism! Below, the lovely Hayden exposes the true power of self-healing!!

From Russia with Love?

It really is a bit chilly in West Kensington at this time of year, even allowing for global warming, so I was thinking that ex-“Celebrity Big Brother” contestant Danielle Lloyd was just a teeny weenie bit ill-advised to go out on a photo shoot wearing nothing save a skimpy bikini, despite its fetching shade of yellow matching that of her oversized prop! But then, as everyone knows, this particular model isn’t renowned for the size of her brain!! Quite why she would promote the launch of some ski company, so inappropriately dressed, is beyond me? Wouldn’t you dress up warmly to go skiing, to ward off the possibility of catching a slight chill?! And, what’s a weapon of mass destruction got to do with taking a vacation?!!

In some shots the “lovely” Danielle is wearing an ushanka (Russian fur cap with ear flaps) like a spy in a cold war “Bond” movie, or my old choirmaster! And, in others, the wee lassie sports a pair of moon boots which put me in mind of Jon Pertwee’s autobiography “Moon Boots and Dinner Suits”. There are even pictures in which she is wearing both and thus seems, all things considered, a little overdressed! If Miss Lloyd wrote her autobiography, no doubt with the help of a ghostwriter, maybe she could call it “Moon Boots and Birthday Suits”! It’s all a little bizarre, though, in that it’s not entirely clear what this company is trying to say through their advertising campaign. Something along the lines of… Come on a skiing holiday with us and you’ll meet a totally gorgeous babe wearing next to nothing, out in the snow, but beware of the tanks because, like The Stranglers’ song says, they can maim?

Relief is at hand, with Sarah!

C’mon Myleene!

In a Klass of Her Own!

Hi Ho Silva Lining!

Carry On Down Bikini Bottom!

Getting the better of Bond!

I have grown to love the James Bond Films. When I started exploring fantasy television and films in a more academic fashion, I decided to look into this series and began by simply sorting out in my mind which set pieces belong to which film et cetera, instead of seeing them as a homogeneous mass!

Most people prefer Sean Connery's portrayal of James Bond but my favourite actor in the role is the underrated Roger Moore who went straight from playing Lord Brett Sinclair, in the ITC television series "The Persuaders!", onto the set of "Live and Let Die", the first of his seven consecutive appearances as the secret agent.

Receiving its third terrestrial screening tonight on ITV1 is the twentieth and most recent entry in the James Bond adventure series, "Die Another Day". This has turned out to be Pierce Brosnan's fourth and final outing as James Bond, 007, with Daniel Craig having recently been named as his successor. My personal favourite of the Brosnan quartet, it features Halle Berry recreating original Bond girl Ursula Andress's unforgettable first appearance from 1962's "Dr. No", forty years on, rising bikini-clad from the surf.