Debbie did a Stiff Pilchard

I’m not a Cliff Richard fan! You wouldn’t think there was any need for me to say that. OK, I admit to buying his second Eurovision Song Contest entry, “Power To All Our Friends”, back in the early Seventies in a rare error of judgement but, no, I am not a fan of Sir Cliff. His version of the Lord’s Prayer, with Myleene Klass on backing vocals, is a strong contender for the title of Worst-Ever Single. The English language is notoriously difficult to set to music but this effort is abysmal. Lord only knows how it ever got to Number One but that’s the British record-buying public for you. No taste! Embarrassingly, I now have another confession to make. As of last Saturday, I am now the proud owner of Cliff Richard’s final film, “Take Me High”, which he made in 1973. I can hear you all collectively crying, “We don’t care when it was made! What on earth possessed you?”

Well, please bear with me as I attempt to explain. You may or may not remember but when I started this Journal’s “Telly Visions” strand, my first choice was “Doctor Who” actress Debbie Watling. In the post, I mentioned “she played the female companion throughout what is my favourite year of the science fiction series”. What I neglected to say is this season is also the most heavily depleted in the BBC archives. Most episodes featuring Deborah, as Victoria Waterfield, were junked simply due to lack of storage space, little realising their future value… and I certainly don’t mean financially to the BBC, but culturally. In the intervening years, we fans of Ms Watling have had to get our fixes of her gorgeousness from wherever we can. And one of those sources was repeat screenings, which now seem to have sadly dried up, of “Take Me High”. Long since deleted on VHS and unavailable commercially on DVD… until the Daily Mail came to the rescue on 25th September and for only 80p!

“Take Me High”, as you probably already suspect, isn’t exactly what you would call essential viewing! It has a pretty good cast that includes Arthur Daley, “Minder” star George Cole, and “Brideshead Revisited” actor Anthony Andrews. Deborah would work with the latter again on television wartime drama “Danger UXB”. “Take Me High”, however, is essentially a vehicle for Cliff, surprisingly written by “Space: 1999” author Christopher Penfold. The plot, such as it is, concerns Tim (no, not me but Mr Richard himself!), a successfully-ambitious young financier working for a London Merchant bank. But, even his happy-go-lucky attitude is severely jolted when he is sent to Birmingham instead of the promised New York for his posting! Comedy, romance and songs follow when the enterprising bank manager helps an unsuccessful restaurant compete with its rivals by introducing a new fast food - the Brumburger! Don’t ask… just be thankful that at least these 87 minutes of Debbie have survived the snip!!

All Change?

It’ll probably come as no surprise that I’m glad to see the back of “GMTV”. In Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway, ITV1’s newly-defunct breakfast show spawned the two worst-ever female presenters on British television. I think they like to think of themselves as journalists despite lacking any of the traits that just might qualify them for such a position. It didn’t matter who Phillips was interviewing, Gordon Brown or Robbie Williams, she would always conclude with a “well, alright!” She might as well have said, “now shut up, you’ve had your three minutes!” And, Lord knows how many cups of coffee Garraway consumed before going on air each morning?! She always seemed to be on some kind of adrenaline rush, ecstatic over the most trivial of things. Recently Phillips was replaced by Emma Crosby. She wasn’t as bad as the other two but irritated me, quite early on, by not getting Peter Davison’s surname right. Not once, but twice! When he returned, some months later, to promote something new, Ms Crosby was still calling him Davidson. There really is no excuse. She spent most of the final morning leaving viewers straining to see whether or not she was wearing any knickers, so short was her skirt and so ungainly her position!

The trouble is ITV are replacing “GMTV” with something that promises to be equally as tatty, “Daybreak”. The new show’s presenters have absconded from BBC One in a flurry of media speculation but my expectations are not great. I’ve never watched an entire edition of “The One Show” but have seen Adrian Chiles on “The Apprentice” spin-off and he’s just so bloody boring I can’t understand why he’s on TV at all? I’m led to believe he’s some sort of football pundit so perhaps he’s the new Eamonn Holmes. God help us. Better make sure we’re all HD ready as television these days is completely unmissable. Judging from the trailers, Chiles’ co-presenter, Christine Bleakley, looks like being about as unwelcoming as her surname suggests. The changes are entirely cosmetic. It’s like changing a channel name from Virgin1 to Channel One where the output remains the same. What’s the point? And I hear that Kate Garraway is remaining anyway, to give us insightful interviews with all the Hollywood glitterati. Lorraine Kelly keeps her 8.30am slot too, although, after seventeen years, she was noticeably absent during the final weeks of “GMTV”. This last week saw pretty Myleene Klass confidently, but superficially, sitting in for Kelly which is only worth mentioning because I refuse to post a picture of either garrulous Garraway or the preposterously pretentious Phillips.

Flower Power

There I was quietly sitting there, minding my own business, when suddenly my ears pricked up on hearing the strains of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” emanating from the television set. Immediately, I looked up. I’m not one for watching commercials. Can’t stand the things if I’m honest. Someone once told me the ads are better than the programmes but I remain unconvinced. Perhaps they are, I just don’t watch the poorer shows the better advertisements, periodically, interrupt. On this occasion, however, it was worth my while. I was greeted with the telly vision that is catwalk model-turned-actress Lily Cole. She really is a stunner. I must have a thing for fiery redheads because the other lady for whom I have a burning passion is, of course, t.A.T.u.’s Lena Katina. These two gorgeous-looking young women top and tail the three hundred-picture twenty-minute slideshow you can view at the foot of this blog. If I had my very own TARDIS, I know which two ladies I’d want to be my companions and their names aren’t Billie Piper or Catherine Tate! Although, even they would be preferable to Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway!! But, why I particularly dislike those two GMTV “presenters” - journalists my arse - is the subject for another day…

The advert in question turns out to be the latest trendy promotion for the Marks and Spencer chain and, in particular, their fashion line. Set on a fairground, other attractions, besides our Lily, include sold-out classical musician-turned-pop-star-turned-television-presenter Myleene Klass and Sixties’ fashion icon Twiggy. Black model Noémie Lenoir sports two sets of natty-looking undies, not at the same time you understand! These include polka dot panties, which she wiggles in close up, and a rather fetching set of pink bra and knickers to match the candy floss on which she is nibbling. I was going to say munching but being a slim model that’s probably unlikely! I expect you can tell, I was paying especially close attention to detail!! It’s all very fast, very slick, very stylish, and unburdened with product detail - different to those commercials insistent on telling you the price of everything where you end up remembering absolutely nothing. “Fashion Fairground” simply promotes a brand. If you’d like to watch it, without sitting through numerous commercial breaks hoping for an appearance from the lovely Lily, simply click on the link on the right to my “Jukebox”! “Put on your red shoes and dance the blues”!! Watching her figure, I can tell you that, at the start, sadly, and I know it’s a missed opportunity, Lily doesn’t actually lick her lolly!!!

Outstanding!

Myleene Klass never seems to be off our television screens these days! She’s another presenter about whom I feel ambiguous. I don’t like or dislike her but she is probably on too often. She first came to public attention in 2001, in another of those interminable talent shows that presently clog up the airways. Myleene was chosen, together with four other contestants, from the ten finalists on the ITV1 light entertainment series “Popstars” to form pop band Hear’Say. Commercially, the group was phenomenally successful, to begin with, but short-lived. Basically, Myleene and Kym Marsh didn’t get on with one another. You would’ve thought, for the sake of the cash, they might’ve agreed to disagree. Every group in the history of popular music has internal problems whatever their style of music. What I don’t understand is why a classically trained musician, such as Myleene, would enter a talent show to join such a band. I’m classically trained too, loved playing in rock bands in my youth, and still love pop music to this day but I do know its real worth. Let’s be honest, she could’ve at least joined something with a bit of credibility! I can only assume that money is more important to her than musical integrity. And, that breaks the one law of any real musician, regardless of their talent. She hasn’t remained true to the spirit of musicianship.

Myleene really is hard to pin down, so to speak! The, seemingly, classy lady is now perhaps best-known for taking numerous showers during the sixth series of “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”, in which she achieved, if that’s the right word, the position of runner-up. She’s apparently an expert in astronomy, having appeared on “The Sky at Night” with Sir Patrick Moore and Queen’s guitarist Doctor Brian May, while also being eminently knowledgeable about the world of fashion, recently popping up on “This Morning” to talk about swimwear. If she combined the two interests, Myleene could present a new show and call it “Heavenly Bodies in Bikinis”! Tonight, however, she is returning to her roots. Supposedly. I don’t really regard “The Classical Brit Awards” as having anything to do with what is now popularly termed “classical” music. It’s like lumping OutKast and Led Zeppelin in the same category in the “popular” music field. But, anyway, Myleene Klass presents from the ceremony at London’s Royal Albert Hall, presumably not in a bikini (and, that doesn’t mean she’s doing it naked - sadly!), with performances from usual suspects Andrea Bocelli and the beautiful Sarah Brightman. Seven awards will be given during the evening, with the Outstanding Achievement Award going to Andrew Lloyd Webber. You can catch Myleene, in all her glory, at 10.35pm on ITV1.

This Little Piggy Went to Market!

The unfortunate creature, in the picture above, found itself in a spot of bother during the first part of a story from the Christopher Eccleston season of “Doctor Who”, in an episode entitled “Aliens of London”. It was all about a family of extraterrestrial beings, the Slitheen, who take over the bodies of humans but with what can only be described as inappropriate social skills! In one sense, the pictured animal is not out of place amongst such company. But, in light of what seems to have been a major talking point over the last week or so, maybe it would’ve been more apt had this little piggy appeared in episode twelve, “Bad Wolf”, and, in particular, in the segments devoted to “Big Brother”!

I’m not a fan of reality TV shows but it would be wrong of me to suggest that everybody who has ever appeared in one is a no-hoper. While some well-marketed, but set to self-destruct, contestants gas ignorantly in every direction, there are those, although very few in number, who genuinely have talent. It might be because they have come from a privileged background but there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, thank heavens! Without aspiring individuals, there would be no Symphony Orchestras and the world would, indeed, be a truly poorer place. Spiritually, not economically. Perhaps Classical music isn’t your cup of tea. But, without these highly trained musicians, just imagine what “Eleanor Rigby” would’ve sounded like?

One such particular person to come to the fore, through a reality television show, is Myleene Klass. She is 28 now but her “big break” came six years ago in an ITV1 show called “Popstars”. That’s not what’s important though. What is important is that she started learning the violin and piano at the age of four. She took up the harp at the age of twelve. She received an A grade in A level Music. I could continue but you get the idea. She is very accomplished, and probably because she is a very determined young woman. You can see it in her face. There are many in the “music business” (and what does business have to do with music?) who claim to write their own material that couldn’t tell a piece of manuscript paper from a piece of toilet paper! Whilst co-hosting “CD:UK”, Myleene presented some rapper, whose name I forget, with a framed notation of one of his “songs”. When she is obviously skilled, I wonder what she hopes to achieve by going down the populist route? Whatever happened to violinist Vanessa Mae?

Now, of course, after appearing scantily clad in another reality show, Myleene is best known for taking showers in a variety of different coloured bikinis. There is nothing wrong with that in itself. She is a beautiful girl with a beautiful body. It’s the spin the media put on it that should perhaps be questioned. And yet, I’m sure she knows what she’s doing. There is a set of photos, and you can’t tell from just a single image, showing Myleene with her ex-Hear’Say band mate Suzanne Shaw, out on the town, and it is quite clear which of the two girls is in control. Ms Shaw is hanging on for dear life while Myleene is obviously trying to get her associate away from the glare of the photographers. Anyway, make up your own mind. Below are a couple of galleries showing Myleene looking far more sporty than Melanie C ever did!

C’mon Myleene!

In a Klass of Her Own!