Santa banter!

I’d like to take the opportunity to wish readers of this journal a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous, or perhaps in the current economic climate that should read preposterous, New Year! Don’t worry, the ordeal will be over in a few days!! Then, we can stop kidding ourselves and get back to the real world. Why so many of us, sheepishly, centre our hopes and dreams around these few days when it might be just that little bit warmer during August, I’ll never understand. Still, the children seem to like it and that’s all that matters, right? As long as I don’t have to listen to that awesomely awful, utterly insincere, record by Mariah Carey (again), I should be able to keep my thoughts to myself.

What is there to distract each and every misery guts, like myself, on the big day?

There are at least five different versions of the Scrooge story on terrestrial television, on Christmas Day, to keep us company. If you’re up really early, you can catch “Dani’s House” at 7am on BBC2 in a seasonal repeat entitled “Scrooge Tube”. Harmer’s annoying younger screen-brother learns the true meaning of Christmas when visited by the ghosts of Christmas past.

“Scrooged” is on Channel 4 at 1pm if you prefer your comedy American. Bill Murray plays a TV executive planning a season of violence for the festive break. I still have my light blue “Get SCROOGED With BILL MURRAY” badge which I was given by a rep to promote the film back in 1988. In fact, I’m wearing it. You think I’m joshing?

Staying across the Atlantic, “The Grinch” is on ITV1 at 3.10pm. Dr Seuss’s cult children’s favourite “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” gets the big-budget Hollywood treatment in this seasonal spectacular from director Ron Howard. More detailed reviews of these two films can be found on page 82 of the current Radio Times. Other listings magazines are available.

Quintessentially British, despite originally being (partly) devised by a Canadian, “Doctor Who” is back on our screens at the Unearthly hour of 6pm on BBC1. In “A Christmas Carol” the only way the Doctor can rescue Amy and Rory, trapped on a crashing space liner, is by saving the soul of a lonely old miser played by Michael Gambon. I don’t have the foggiest what’s in the fog!

Ending up back where we started, on BBC2, “Blackadder’s Christmas Carol” is at 8.35pm. Like “Scrooged”, this special was made in 1988 but flips the traditional Dickens’ story on its head. And, if you’re in need of something with a pretty “Doctor Who” companion, this extended episode briefly features Peri actress Nicola Bryant. What more could you want?

Warden’s Watch Special: Highlights of the Year

It hasn’t been a particularly memorable year for those of us interested in brilliantly-crafted television drama. The fifth series of new “Doctor Who” was disappointing but my expectations weren’t that high to begin with. I worried that, under Steven Moffat, the stories would become increasingly esoteric and my fears proved well-founded. One of the problems is that, creatively, the most-successful stories written by both the new Executive Producer and Mark Gatiss were the ones they wrote back in 2005 for Christopher Eccleston! It’s a bit like Ben Aaronovitch trying to top “Remembrance of the Daleks”, in the late Eighties, and coming up with the vastly-inferior “Battlefield”, itself a reworking of one of his earlier scripts. The irony is that the finest story of the year to feature the new, eleventh, Doctor, played brilliantly by Matt Smith, was one of “The Sarah Jane Adventures”! And, to compound the irony, “Death of the Doctor” was the one written by Russell!! It almost made me feel sorry he’s gone and I’m sure that that was his intention. This third story in the fourth series of “The Sarah Jane Adventures” was equalled, if not bettered, two stories later by Rupert Laight’s “Lost in Time”, a two-episode reworking of an entire twenty-six episode (“The Key to Time”) season of classic “Doctor Who”. With segments reminiscent of “Ghost Light” and “The Curse of Fenric”, and another nodding to the Hartnell historicals, the story gently acknowledged the 47th anniversary of “Doctor Who” with the dateline of the newspaper cutting which the three adventurers had initially set out to investigate.

Aside from stories set in space and time, another mainstay of 2010 has been the continuing dreamlike-investigations of American “Medium” Allison DuBois. Freeview viewers have got as far as Season Five while, if you subscribe to satellite, then you’re enjoying Season Six and, for the more impatient among us, Season Seven episodes have been materialising on the internet from the early hours of Saturday mornings for the ten weeks up to the beginning of December with the remaining six scheduled to resume in the New Year! It’s a miracle the show is still with us, having been picked up by CBS after cancellation, while other series, such as “Heroes”, have fallen by the wayside. Back in the UK, we were treated to the second, and sadly final, series of “Survivors” which I believe to be a more successful reworking of an old hit than the reincarnation and enduring saga of everyone’s favourite Time Lord. Why the BBC have picked up ITV’s “Primeval” and dumped their own is beyond me! I wasn’t as enamoured by Season Six of “Hustle”, at the beginning of the year, as I was Season Five in 2009, despite guest appearances by Brian Murphy, Colin Baker and Danny Webb. Last year it was given a new lease of life with the introduction of two new regular characters, as well as the return of a familiar face, so, by this year, the con seemed to have settled back into a familiar routine once again. On the other hand, “Spooks” has benefited from the introduction of new characters! Still not as good as when Rupert Penry-Jones led the cast, Season Nine was a distinct improvement over recent years. “Luther” was this year’s detective success story, although I’m sure there are those who preferred Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’s modernisation of “Sherlock”, but it doesn’t look as though the BBC know where to take Idris Elba’s character next as there isn’t to be a second series as such, just a couple of one-hour specials! Bizarre or what?!

The real triumphs of the year came in the form of selected repeats. I’m not talking about the endless rotation of “Inspector Morse”, “Poirot”, “A Touch of Frost” and “Foyle’s War”, for the older generation on ITV3, or the constant repetition of “The Sweeney”, “The Professionals”, “Minder” and “The Prisoner”, for real men on ITV4, as good as all these series undoubtedly are, but a couple of gems that have surfaced on Yesterday. First was a rerun of the six-part Dennis Potter serial “Lipstick on Your Collar”, originally a Channel Four conclusion to the musical trilogy begun and continued on the BBC with “Pennies from Heaven” and “The Singing Detective” but much-underrated in their shadow! Secondly, and unquestionably one of the ten best series ever to come out of Britain, the two seasons of “Colditz” have recently enjoyed a long-overdue re-screening. The first season is the most consistent, especially when dealing with the psychological aspects of imprisonment rather than boy’s own heroics, while the second suffered a smidgen after the “escape” of Edward Hardwicke’s Pat Reid though his replacement, a new character in the German ranks played with thorough viciousness by Anthony Valentine, aids the drama in delving into the infighting of Nazi politics of the time. There’s no incidental music to tell you what to think or how to feel just bloody good writing, acting and directing from the likes of “Doctor Who” stalwarts Michael Ferguson and Terence Dudley. They just don’t make thought-provoking series like “Colditz” anymore.

The Twelve Doctors

Actor Sylvester McCoy has said he would be keen to return to “Doctor Who” for its fiftieth anniversary.

McCoy, who played the seventh Doctor from 1987 to 1989 (his last regular appearance was twenty-one years ago to the day, on 6th December), said fans wanted a multi-Doctor story to mark the programme’s golden jubilee in 2013.

Sylvester, now 67, also suggested that earlier Doctors - played by actors who have since died - could be brought back using computer technology.

“They’ve got such imaginations, they could do anything,” McCoy added. “I was a lucky little fellow to get that job,” he concluded.

Cynics may suggest Sylvester could simply be “touting for business”, to quote “Revelation of the Daleks”, but I believe he was sincere in his proposal. He doesn’t necessarily need the work. He’s participating in an Evelyn Waugh stage production well into the New Year before heading off to New Zealand to work on Peter Jackson’s “The Hobbit”. McCoy was actually down to the last two for the role of Bilbo Baggins in “The Lord of the Rings”. The other actor got it, and that was Ian Holm. Sylvester also continues to work on “Doctor Who” audio dramas so he’s keeping busy! He did once say that he shouldn’t have been in the 1996 American “Doctor Who” TV movie, not because he didn’t want to be but because they should’ve started afresh rather than change lead actors thirty minutes into the story! Introducing the concept of regeneration so early into a revamp, and to an American audience unfamiliar with the idea, was one of the reasons, he believed, the production ultimately failed. I’m curious to know how he thinks a multi-Doctor story might succeed…

And, I’m not sure how much truth there is in the notion that die-hard “Doctor Who” fans want a multi-Doctor story. They’ve not always been amongst the show’s most successful adventures. There were three official ones in the classic era of the series, “The Three Doctors”, “The Five Doctors” and “The Two Doctors” celebrating the tenth, twentieth and twenty-first anniversaries of the programme respectively. My favourite of these is the latter. It was skilfully written by Robert Holmes but let down by poor direction. Robert rejected authorship of the previous celebratory offering on the grounds that its spec included too many leading characters. While “The Five Doctors” might be fun, sharing the limelight with all your illustrious predecessors and numerous companions, and enemies, proved Holmes’s fears well-founded. “The Two Doctors” is more focused with fewer actors, and a longer playing time enables it to highlight the banter between the chosen incarnations, together with their respective companions, to greater effect. By the time we reach 2013, Matt Smith’s eleventh Doctor is likely to have regenerated into a twelfth and the problem, as Holmes saw it, will be all the more compounded.

The Countess was a Vamp

Hammer horror actress Ingrid Pitt, best known for starring in cult classics such as “Countess Dracula”, has died at the age of 73.

The Polish-born star passed away at a hospital in south London after collapsing a few days ago.

She was regarded by many fans as the queen of Hammer Horror films.

The star’s death comes weeks after film-maker Roy Ward Baker, who directed Pitt in “The Vampire Lovers”, died at the age of 93.

Many will remember Ingrid for her two guest appearances in “Doctor Who”, particularly for her role as Queen Galleia in the Jon Pertwee story “The Time Monster” back in 1972. Her character in that story provided what almost amounted to a romantic interest for the Doctor’s nemesis, The Master, played with great panache by the late Roger Delgado. Ironic that she died on the programme’s 47th anniversary.

It’s interesting to read what she thought of the new version of “Doctor Who”… “Great stories. Acting - brilliant! Photography - superb. Effects - stunning! BUT....... I do miss the shaky sets, the Marks and Spencers wardrobe, the discontinuity. Now we are so overwhelmed by the professionalism of television that it is hard to feel connected. We are chained to the sofa while we are lasered with the latest state of the art technology. You can never tell if what you are seeing is real or the product of CGI. At least in its first incarnation you knew that the cardboard walls, Bacofoil interiors and Domestos bottle spaceships were the real McCoy. And sex! Come on now. The whole point of the Doctor is that he is far above such earthly pleasures. We aren’t even sure if, under the costume, he has the necessary equipment. After all - he is an alien.”

Bristol’s knockers!

A US man has been arrested after an armed stand-off with police - which began when he shot his TV set because he did not like what he saw on “Dancing with the Stars”. Can’t say I blame him but couldn’t he have changed the channel or simply switched it off?

Wisconsin man Steven Cowan, 67, was allegedly upset by the performance of Bristol Palin, the daughter of politician Sarah Palin, on the celebrity dance show.

Court documents revealed that Cowan was “fed up with politics” and thought Palin “wasn’t a very good dancer”. I’m considering sending him recordings of Ann Widdecombe. And, since when did not being the best mover in the world stop someone gyrating on the box? Hasn’t he heard of the talent-free zone that is pole dancer Lady Gaga?!

Anyway, after blasting the television at his home, Cowan pointed the gun at his wife Janice. The harassed woman escaped and managed to call the cops.

Not being a country known for low-key, a SWAT team surrounded the couple’s farmhouse and negotiators eventually persuaded Cowan to give himself up. You couldn’t make this stuff up and have it believed yet the law was clearly taking the situation seriously and taking no chances!

Cowan’s wife said her husband had been drinking when he sat down to watch “Dancing with the Stars”. Well, how else is a poor guy meant to sit through such quality programming?!

When Palin began her routine, Cowan jumped up and began swearing. Steady on, old man, but I bet it’s not the first time big-breasted Bristol has elicited such a response.

Janice Cowan said Steven was upset that a political figure’s daughter was dancing on TV even though he felt Bristol had no discernible talent. Anyone can see she has at least two although they don’t necessarily make a tiptop dancer, however visually arresting!

Bruce is back!

The name of the next “Batman” movie, the seventh in the series, not counting the one made in the ’60s, has been revealed. The new sequel will be called “The Dark Knight Rises” and will not be shot in 3D (thank God for that!), Christopher Nolan says. It follows the director’s previous caped crusader films, 2005’s “Batman Begins” (pictured) and 2008’s “The Dark Knight”, starring the late Heath Ledger.

UK-born Nolan, 40, told the Los Angeles Times’ Hero Complex blog he wanted “the look and feel of the film to be faithful to what has come before”. I’m assuming that doesn’t include Joel Schumacher’s “Batman and Robin”! It’s time to start a petition to bring back Katie Holmes, Mr. Cruise permitting!! “The Dark Knight Rises” is due for release on 20th July 2012.

The Vital Statistics of “Doctor Who”

There’s interesting news for “Doctor Who” enthusiasts, as the television series approaches its forty-seventh anniversary, with the confirmation of a double world record for the programme…

“Doctor Who” star Matt Smith has been officially recognised as the youngest actor to take the role in the new edition of the Guinness World Records. The 2011 book also features another record for the hit show which is listed as the longest-running science-fiction TV series in the world. I’d never have guessed!

Smith, as we all know, made his debut as the Time Lord on New Year’s Day at the end of Part Two of “The End of Time” although, rather bizarrely I thought, his casting was announced in a special programme on BBC One almost a year earlier. He was just twenty-six when he filmed his first scenes last year, three years younger than Peter Davison.

“Doctor Who” has extended its own record for a lengthy run, having produced 769 episodes up to June of this year, consisting of 212 storylines plus a TV movie.

Waiting for God no longer

Scottish actor Graham Crowden, known for his work on British radio, film and TV has died at the age of 87, his agent has confirmed.

Graham is perhaps best known for his roles in the Andrew Davies comedy-drama series “A Very Peculiar Practice”, in which he appeared as the often-inebriated head of a University medical practice alongside Peter Davison and David Troughton (a career high for all three actors in my opinion), and as a resident in an old people’s home, wisecracking with Stephanie Cole (currently Auntie Joan in “Doc Martin”), in BBC sitcom “Waiting for God”.

Crowden turned down the role of “Doctor Who” after the departure of Jon Pertwee, eventually playing a villain in the series opposite Tom Baker in “The Horns of Nimon”. In the picture, Graham is seen confronting Mrs Richard Dawkins, Lalla Ward, while in the background, feigning interest in-between them, is ex-“Blue Peter” presenter and sometime panellist on “The Wright Stuff” Janet Ellis.

Graham also appeared as a clergyman in Neil Jordan’s film “The Company of Wolves”, a dramatisation of Angela Carter’s take on “Little Red Riding Hood”. The actor’s agent, Sue Grantley, said he was “a lovely, lovely man”.

Topical Girl

Vocalist Ari Up, of British all-girl punk band The Slits, has died aged 48 following a “serious illness”, her stepfather John Lydon has announced.

The death of the singer, real name Arianna Forster, was revealed in a statement on Lydon’s website which said she would be “sadly missed”.

Punk-reggae act The Slits were known for tracks including “Instant Hit” and “Shoplifting” as well as their cover of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”.

Debut album “Cut”, released on Island Records in September 1979, went to number thirty in the UK chart.

Full Moon

Were I to watch only one hour of television this week it would have to be the second instalment of the three-part “A History of Horror” with Mark Gatiss which, in an episode entitled “Home Counties Horror”, focuses on the genre’s films from the 50s and 60s, an era dominated by Hammer Films. In the first programme, Mark covered the Universal pictures made in the States, in the 30s, recalling Bela Lugosi’s performance as “Dracula” and Elsa Lanchester’s seminal outing as “The Bride of Frankenstein” while, in next week’s final show, he will be exploring the US horror films of the late 60s and 70s such as “The Exorcist” and 1979’s “Dawn of the Dead” where four people, barricaded in a shopping mall, struggle to repel rampaging zombies. But Mark’s favourite period, and mine also, is the one covered in tonight’s documentary. Not only that, he also cites “Blood on Satan’s Claw”, made in 1971, as the era’s finest example and, again, I agree it is definitely amongst the best…

“Blood on Satan’s Claw”, ironically not from the studios of Hammer but from Tigon Pictures, stars Linda Hayden and concerns witchcraft and superstitions. Unlike in Arthur Miller’s “The Crucible”, with which it has much in common, the fears of local villagers are well-founded as Linda, playing temptress Angel Blake, attempts to seduce popular “Doctor Who” character The Master! Yes, Anthony Ainley appears as a preacher, the Reverend Arthur Fallowfield, who gives into her naked charms inside his very church. A whole host of famous faces appear in this film. Wendy Padbury, as Cathy Vespers, is ritualistically raped. Simon Williams dons 17th century period costume as Peter Edmonton while Michele Dotrice, playing Margaret, gets away from Frank Spencer! The film is extremely seductive owing, in no small part, to the direction of Piers Haggard. He is the great grand-nephew of author H. Rider Haggard, though perhaps equally famous, in his own right, as the director of Dennis Potter’s much acclaimed television serial, with musical numbers, “Pennies From Heaven”.

Another contender for the crown of best horror movie is the Peter Sasdy-directed “Taste the Blood of Dracula” from 1970 which, like “Blood on Satan’s Claw”, stars Linda Hayden as well as a certain Christopher Lee! You guessed, this one’s a Hammer horror… I did at one time know more about this studio’s films than I did “Doctor Who” simply because they were oft-repeated while I was growing up. I especially love their vampire movies and “Taste the Blood of Dracula” is the fourth in their seven-film “Dracula” cycle. Dracula doesn’t actually get to say much, except count the number of his victims, but boy is this film sensually erotic. It details three bored hypocritical aristocrats, including Geoffrey Keen from the “James Bond” films and Peter Sallis from long running sitcom “Last of the Summer Wine”, seeking ever-extreme thrills until, one night, they take on more than they bargained for in the crypt of a church. Plenty of heaving bosoms but little nudity, it is in fact James Bernard’s music score which delivers the romance with such beautifully-orchestrated melodic punch. Linda Hayden, as Alice Hargood, is the heroine to die for. I’d quite happily be bitten by her, anytime!

Finally, I would suggest another Hammer movie for the aforementioned title. It’s also another vampire film although with John Hough’s “Twins of Evil”, made in 1971, the inspiration isn’t from the pen of Bram Stoker but J Sheridan Le Fanu, albeit interpreted rather loosely. It’s one of a trilogy of films centring on the legend of the Countess Mircalla and my favourite movie to feature the much-missed Peter Cushing. Here, though, he isn’t playing Van Helsing but a witch hunter called Gustav Weil, rather in the mould of “The Witchfinder General”. The beauty of this film is in the blurring of the lines between who is the hunter and who the hunted. Good and evil are Twins of the same coin when both lead to the deaths of innocent young women (if there is such a thing!). The title, taken more literally, stars real life twins and “Playboy” playmates Mary and Madeleine Collinson, as Maria and Frieda Gellhorn, who, while undoubtedly beautiful, aren’t exactly the world’s finest actresses. The incidental music strangely makes the film feel like a western at times and, amongst the many delights on offer, concludes with the gruesome decapitation of one of the sisters! But, which one?

Following Mark’s programme on BBC Four, there is an increasingly rare chance to see the fifty-year-old Hammer film “Brides of Dracula”. Despite the title, Dracula does not appear but when a beautiful young teacher unwittingly frees the mysterious Baron Meinster, he turns the students of a school for girls into vampires. And with a synopsis like that, “Brides of Dracula” is definitely ripe for a remake! “St. Trinian’s” with fangs!! Actually, in my younger days, when one of the brides escapes the confines of her coffin and advances upon a possible victim pleading “Let me kiss you”, it scared the hell out of me. Also showing later this week, on the same channel, is Brian Donlevy in “The Quatermass Xperiment” in which the sole survivor of a British rocket’s crash is revealed to pose a deadly alien threat. At the weekend you can catch the Tigon Picture most claim is their best, apart from Mark and myself, the previously mentioned “The Witchfinder General”, filmed in 1968. It’s a disturbing tale of evil, set during the English Civil War, telling the story of Matthew Hopkins, Oliver Cromwell’s Witchfinder General as portrayed by that other bastion of horror Vincent Price. And, if you can’t get enough of Mr Gatiss, in his capacity as an actor he can be seen in a new adaptation of HG Wells’s science fiction classic “The First Men in the Moon” tomorrow evening. With a playful new twist on the original, beginning with the Apollo astronauts set to land on the Moon in 1969, an old man tells of how he and a professor were first there in 1909!