Santa banter!

I’d like to take the opportunity to wish readers of this journal a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous, or perhaps in the current economic climate that should read preposterous, New Year! Don’t worry, the ordeal will be over in a few days!! Then, we can stop kidding ourselves and get back to the real world. Why so many of us, sheepishly, centre our hopes and dreams around these few days when it might be just that little bit warmer during August, I’ll never understand. Still, the children seem to like it and that’s all that matters, right? As long as I don’t have to listen to that awesomely awful, utterly insincere, record by Mariah Carey (again), I should be able to keep my thoughts to myself.

What is there to distract each and every misery guts, like myself, on the big day?

There are at least five different versions of the Scrooge story on terrestrial television, on Christmas Day, to keep us company. If you’re up really early, you can catch “Dani’s House” at 7am on BBC2 in a seasonal repeat entitled “Scrooge Tube”. Harmer’s annoying younger screen-brother learns the true meaning of Christmas when visited by the ghosts of Christmas past.

“Scrooged” is on Channel 4 at 1pm if you prefer your comedy American. Bill Murray plays a TV executive planning a season of violence for the festive break. I still have my light blue “Get SCROOGED With BILL MURRAY” badge which I was given by a rep to promote the film back in 1988. In fact, I’m wearing it. You think I’m joshing?

Staying across the Atlantic, “The Grinch” is on ITV1 at 3.10pm. Dr Seuss’s cult children’s favourite “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” gets the big-budget Hollywood treatment in this seasonal spectacular from director Ron Howard. More detailed reviews of these two films can be found on page 82 of the current Radio Times. Other listings magazines are available.

Quintessentially British, despite originally being (partly) devised by a Canadian, “Doctor Who” is back on our screens at the Unearthly hour of 6pm on BBC1. In “A Christmas Carol” the only way the Doctor can rescue Amy and Rory, trapped on a crashing space liner, is by saving the soul of a lonely old miser played by Michael Gambon. I don’t have the foggiest what’s in the fog!

Ending up back where we started, on BBC2, “Blackadder’s Christmas Carol” is at 8.35pm. Like “Scrooged”, this special was made in 1988 but flips the traditional Dickens’ story on its head. And, if you’re in need of something with a pretty “Doctor Who” companion, this extended episode briefly features Peri actress Nicola Bryant. What more could you want?

Tits Make Hits

Singer Mariah Carey has passed Elvis Presley for the most Number One US singles and is now second only to The Beatles. But, while the diva was in full celebration mode after learning of her latest milestone with her eighteenth chart-topper, “Touch My Body”, she was also quick to place her accomplishment in perspective. Sincerely spoken, and with more modesty than her dress sense, she opined, “I really can never put myself in the category of people who have not only revolutionised music but also changed the world”! You’re damn right, love… but, what exactly is it that this insidiously vacuous phenomenon wants to be known for, the quality of her tonsils or the size of her tits? I think the answer is neither. I don’t think she gives a toss about music and the only reason she flaunts her, admittedly, oversized breasts is to get young boys to part with their cash. I don’t feel remotely sorry that she has to do this to earn a crust. It’s all a question of who’s exploiting who? I wish punters, who get their mitts on her hits, would realise that all they’re getting for their hard earned is another, totally forgettable, trashy little ditty. You don’t get to tweak Mariah’s nipples by purchasing a copy of her latest compact disc, even though the title is inviting you to!

Carey’s actually playing a rather dangerous game through the manner in which she, continually, flaunts herself. The woman suggests, in both body language and lyric, that she’s available for molestation. Asking for trouble if you ask me! No wonder she calls for security at the end of her video. She, obviously, has many deep-rooted insecurities and I’m not sure it’s the computer geek that really needs to be shown off her premises. She wouldn’t need security if she didn’t keep flashing her matching bra and knicker sets at every peeping Tom, Dick or Harry. How, exactly, and I’m talking precisely, did she ever get a recording contract? I know the answer and I’m sure you all do, too! Don’t forget, at the start of her career, she married the boss of Sony records!! She doesn’t have a vocal range of five octaves. The mere suggestion is completely ludicrous as it is a physical impossibility, whatever the size of your cup! While I’m laughing my ass off, she’s too busy showing hers!! She may have made plenty of money in “the business” but, in actuality, has precious little musicianship. I really hope she doesn’t supersede The Beatles’ record of twenty.