Debbie did a Stiff Pilchard

I’m not a Cliff Richard fan! You wouldn’t think there was any need for me to say that. OK, I admit to buying his second Eurovision Song Contest entry, “Power To All Our Friends”, back in the early Seventies in a rare error of judgement but, no, I am not a fan of Sir Cliff. His version of the Lord’s Prayer, with Myleene Klass on backing vocals, is a strong contender for the title of Worst-Ever Single. The English language is notoriously difficult to set to music but this effort is abysmal. Lord only knows how it ever got to Number One but that’s the British record-buying public for you. No taste! Embarrassingly, I now have another confession to make. As of last Saturday, I am now the proud owner of Cliff Richard’s final film, “Take Me High”, which he made in 1973. I can hear you all collectively crying, “We don’t care when it was made! What on earth possessed you?”

Well, please bear with me as I attempt to explain. You may or may not remember but when I started this Journal’s “Telly Visions” strand, my first choice was “Doctor Who” actress Debbie Watling. In the post, I mentioned “she played the female companion throughout what is my favourite year of the science fiction series”. What I neglected to say is this season is also the most heavily depleted in the BBC archives. Most episodes featuring Deborah, as Victoria Waterfield, were junked simply due to lack of storage space, little realising their future value… and I certainly don’t mean financially to the BBC, but culturally. In the intervening years, we fans of Ms Watling have had to get our fixes of her gorgeousness from wherever we can. And one of those sources was repeat screenings, which now seem to have sadly dried up, of “Take Me High”. Long since deleted on VHS and unavailable commercially on DVD… until the Daily Mail came to the rescue on 25th September and for only 80p!

“Take Me High”, as you probably already suspect, isn’t exactly what you would call essential viewing! It has a pretty good cast that includes Arthur Daley, “Minder” star George Cole, and “Brideshead Revisited” actor Anthony Andrews. Deborah would work with the latter again on television wartime drama “Danger UXB”. “Take Me High”, however, is essentially a vehicle for Cliff, surprisingly written by “Space: 1999” author Christopher Penfold. The plot, such as it is, concerns Tim (no, not me but Mr Richard himself!), a successfully-ambitious young financier working for a London Merchant bank. But, even his happy-go-lucky attitude is severely jolted when he is sent to Birmingham instead of the promised New York for his posting! Comedy, romance and songs follow when the enterprising bank manager helps an unsuccessful restaurant compete with its rivals by introducing a new fast food - the Brumburger! Don’t ask… just be thankful that at least these 87 minutes of Debbie have survived the snip!!

When Knox’s knickers become Panettiere’s panties!

The story of convicted murderer Amanda Knox, nicknamed Foxy Knoxy by certain parts of the media, is to be turned into a film, with “Heroes” actress Hayden Panettiere set to play the lead role.

US student Knox, 23, is serving a 26-year sentence after being found guilty of murdering her British housemate Meredith Kercher in 2007.

The film’s producers say Knox’s story includes the perfect elements to be transformed into a movie as it features an all-American girl involved in sex, drugs and murder.

The screenplay is being written by Wendy Battles who has worked on scripts for US TV shows such as “CSI New York”.

Telly Visions: Sophia Myles

When the BBC run a themed evening, the schedule often includes no more than two programmes related to the chosen subject! So, with this criterion in mind, Monday night is Sophia Myles night!! First of all, you can see her on BBC Three at 7:45pm, straight after “Merlin”, in yet another repeat showing of an early David Tennant episode of “Doctor Who”, “The Girl in the Fireplace”. The story, as you probably all know, is written by Steven Moffat, currently trying to sell the next season of “Doctor Who” to fans in two halves of seven episodes from Easter with the remaining six to air in the Autumn, and stars Sophia, rather elegantly, in the title role of Madame De Pompadour. I think she fits neatly into the Kate Winslet mould of actresses, which isn’t intended as a criticism but a compliment. There probably isn’t a better example to showcase what she does best, than this episode, although I do think the story itself is a little overrated. Maybe her role as Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward, in Jonathan Frakes’s awful live-action version of Gerry Anderson’s “Thunderbirds”, is another fine example of Ms Myles playing posh totty!

We’ve seen Sophia on our screens all too occasionally over recent years. She was in a reasonably memorable version of “Dracula”, broadcast later in the same year as her “Doctor Who” episode during the Christmas season of 2006. Marc Warren played the Count with Sophia Myles one of his conquests, Lucy. Her innocent friend, Mina, was portrayed by Stephanie Leonidas. Timothy Spall’s son, Rafe, brought solicitor Jonathan Harker to life, so to speak! He travels to Transylvania to sell Dracula a London property but never returns hence the arrival of “Poirot” actor David Suchet as archrival Abraham Van Helsing. This one-off special possibly helped secure Sophia a leading role in the short-lived Stateside vampire-show “Moonlight”. At least it ran for a full season! Michelle Ryan wasn’t as lucky with “Bionic Woman” while Tennant’s legal eagle comedy didn’t progress beyond pilot stage. Anyway, the lovely lady in question has returned to Blighty and can be seen afresh as agent Beth, alongside Peter Firth as Section D boss Harry Pearce, avenging the death of Ros Myers, together with Richard Armitage as Lucas, in the opening episode of Series Nine of “Spooks”, on BBC One at 9pm, the second of her two appearances this coming Monday evening.

Did you see her bum, Fernando?

A former bodyguard for pop star Britney Spears has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against her.

Fernando Flores, who worked on the singer’s security detail, has accused Britney of frequently parading around in the nude and having sex in front of him.

Mr Flores also claims Ms Spears caused him emotional distress by having violent quarrels with her boyfriend in front of her two children.

Flores’ lawsuit claims Spears repeatedly exposed herself to him and that he witnessed her punish her young sons with his belt and act inappropriately in front of them.

The singer’s lawyer did not comment. A lawyer for her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, called the case “baseless” and “motivated by money”.

Federline added that Flores’ lawsuit had been leaked to the media before the suit was filed - an action that “spoke for itself”.

Hearing this story gave rise to much merriment! Is someone seriously trying to tell us a man/guy wouldn’t enjoy seeing Britney naked? And not just once, but over and over! Lucky bastard!!

How come, if Britney was having sex in front of him, Fernando wasn’t offended by the sight of her naked boyfriend, as well as her? I suppose it’s conceivable she may have been masturbating alone. But, why did he hang around to watch if it isn’t his thing? And why didn’t he record it for the rest of the world to see?

Furthermore, how did Spears get hold of Flores’ belt, which presumably was holding up his trousers/pants, unless he was involved in some way? Ah, the lives of the rich and famous!

All Change?

It’ll probably come as no surprise that I’m glad to see the back of “GMTV”. In Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway, ITV1’s newly-defunct breakfast show spawned the two worst-ever female presenters on British television. I think they like to think of themselves as journalists despite lacking any of the traits that just might qualify them for such a position. It didn’t matter who Phillips was interviewing, Gordon Brown or Robbie Williams, she would always conclude with a “well, alright!” She might as well have said, “now shut up, you’ve had your three minutes!” And, Lord knows how many cups of coffee Garraway consumed before going on air each morning?! She always seemed to be on some kind of adrenaline rush, ecstatic over the most trivial of things. Recently Phillips was replaced by Emma Crosby. She wasn’t as bad as the other two but irritated me, quite early on, by not getting Peter Davison’s surname right. Not once, but twice! When he returned, some months later, to promote something new, Ms Crosby was still calling him Davidson. There really is no excuse. She spent most of the final morning leaving viewers straining to see whether or not she was wearing any knickers, so short was her skirt and so ungainly her position!

The trouble is ITV are replacing “GMTV” with something that promises to be equally as tatty, “Daybreak”. The new show’s presenters have absconded from BBC One in a flurry of media speculation but my expectations are not great. I’ve never watched an entire edition of “The One Show” but have seen Adrian Chiles on “The Apprentice” spin-off and he’s just so bloody boring I can’t understand why he’s on TV at all? I’m led to believe he’s some sort of football pundit so perhaps he’s the new Eamonn Holmes. God help us. Better make sure we’re all HD ready as television these days is completely unmissable. Judging from the trailers, Chiles’ co-presenter, Christine Bleakley, looks like being about as unwelcoming as her surname suggests. The changes are entirely cosmetic. It’s like changing a channel name from Virgin1 to Channel One where the output remains the same. What’s the point? And I hear that Kate Garraway is remaining anyway, to give us insightful interviews with all the Hollywood glitterati. Lorraine Kelly keeps her 8.30am slot too, although, after seventeen years, she was noticeably absent during the final weeks of “GMTV”. This last week saw pretty Myleene Klass confidently, but superficially, sitting in for Kelly which is only worth mentioning because I refuse to post a picture of either garrulous Garraway or the preposterously pretentious Phillips.