Exterminator Terminator

“Rose, Rose, I love you…” Oh, you just caught me out, there, in a rare moment of truculent sentimentality! I can assure you, it doesn’t happen that often!! As you can see, it’s not just me that’s back, back, BACK, as a certain Old Cheeser might say, but Billie Piper is, too. And, my, has she got her hands on a big one! One wonders how such a wee lassie can even handle such a large weapon? I thought it was Sarah Connor, for one brief moment. Then, I realised that this shot is from the Series Four Finale, of the upcoming run of “Doctor Who”, in which things look pretty hopeless for the Doctor as his lifeless body lays sprawled upon the ground. Filmed in the early hours of Friday morning on the streets of Cardiff, the Doctor (David Tennant - Who else?!!) is exterminated by a flying Dalek and returning former companion Rose Tyler, “Defender of the Earth”, attempts to resuscitate him… along with Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman), current concubine Donna Noble (Catherine Tate), former fellow traveller Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen), Rose’s mum Jackie (Camille Coduri) and “Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all”!

Sweet Little Girl?

When I was thirteen or fourteen, I wrote some really crap lyrics! The first song I ever committed to manuscript was “Sweet Little Girl”, and the title says it all really, but embarrassment isn’t the word were I forced to put my name to some of today’s hit records that seem to pass muster with the kids. Take Kate Nash. Well, as long as she kept her trap shut, I just might! But the lyrics of her song “Foundations” are just so goddamn irritating. Consider this example…

You said, “I must eat so many lemons ’cause I am so bitter.”
I said, “I’d rather be with your friends, mate, ’cause they are much fitter.”

Where do you start with such crass writing? I’d dump her on the spot for calling me “mate” but the rhyme is what really gets my goat. It’s hilarious for all the wrong reasons. It’s just so forced. Kate was probably thinking, if she does such a thing, “what the hell can I rhyme with bitter?” The result is a confession that she sees men as no more than sex objects, the very thing men are always accused of when objectifying women. Well, you’re gonna have to get more of a personality, “love”, if you want to be thought of as anything other than tits and arse! I thought teenagers were supposed to mature more quickly these days. She’s twenty. Kate Bush was writing more mature songs, in the Seventies, aged 16, and so was I! And, don’t even get me started on Nash’s ability as a pianist. Keep your eyes on her fingers, she does!!

Bottom of the Tops!

As I used to work in the record industry, I’m occasionally interested to see how certain records perform sales wise, regardless of musical merit. It’s a curious fact, of the employed system for measuring a disc’s success, that while “Umbrella” by Rihanna topped the charts for ten weeks, back in the summer of last year, the song was pipped to the post of best-selling single of 2007, at the eleventh hour, by Leona Lewis’s bleeding awful “Bleeding Love”, which only held pole position for a mere seven! In that shorter amount of time, the latter managed to outsell the former quite considerably. In fact, it did so very early on, upon consideration of the week-by-week sales figures. If “Single of the Year” was down to number of weeks as “Top of the Pops”, or even number of weeks on the chart, then Rihanna’s song would’ve won hands down as it has certainly been the more consistent of the pair, regardless of the fact that it was released earlier. It’s still been a golden shower for Rihanna!

Dead Giveaway

Beginning on Saturday March 15 and running to Thursday March 20, as a daily freebie with The Sun and News of the World tabloids, earthlings may collect six prize episodes of “Doctor Who” on DVD from the last two series. This follows a similar publicity incentive two years ago but, whereas, on that occasion, the episodes were culled from a selection of past Doctors, together with Christopher Eccleston’s début in “Rose”, this promotion’s six segments of the key to time are all from the David Tennant era. Pictured above, from Series Two, are “School Reunion”, the two-parter “Army of Ghosts” and “Doomsday”, and, from Series Three, “Smith and Jones”, “Blink” and “Utopia”; although, contrary to popular belief, “Blink” doesn’t really star David Tennant!

The Sun’s irresistible offer is masterly news, not least for this victim, because it’ll give me a chance to be hypnotised by Derek Jacobi’s brief-but-brilliant contribution to “Doctor Who” all over again without having to invest in the disastrously dire dénouement of last year’s season. Similarly, I can also delicately place my surgeon’s hands on a pristine copy of Freema’s medicinal début, in order to check up on yet another bloody call to a Rusty hospital and revisit the exquisite craftsmanship of Roy Marsden’s consultant Mr. Stoker. Being of totally logical disposition, though temporarily illiterate inclination, I ain’t afraid of no ghosts except when I fear they’ll haunt me for the rest of my life! The best of the bunch is “Blink” which, did I mention, doesn’t really star David Tennant!!

Normal Norman

I thought it necessary to step out of blogging retirement to warmly remember the life of Norman Smith who sadly passed away on the 3 March, aged 85. Perhaps some of you are scratching your heads and wondering who on earth was Norman Smith? Norman was a very influential figure in the world of pop music, initially as a sound engineer at EMI working for George Martin. Smith worked on every single Beatles’ record between the years 1962 and 1965, from their debut album “Please Please Me” up to and including “Rubber Soul”, taking in songs such as “Love Me Do” and “She Loves You” to “Nowhere Man” and “Norwegian Wood”. John Lennon affectionately nicknamed him “Normal” Norman!

Promoted to producer in 1966, Norman signed Pink Floyd to EMI, after seeing them perform at “underground” club UFO, despite professing a lack of understanding regarding psychedelia. Nevertheless, during 1967 and 1968, he went on to produce their seminal single “See Emily Play” together with the band’s first three albums, “Piper at the Gates of Dawn”, “A Saucerful of Secrets” and “Umma Gumma”. During their first session at Abbey Road, Paul McCartney dropped in to the studio, put his hand on Smith’s shoulder, and told the Floyd, “You won’t go wrong with this bloke as your producer.” To think that without this signing there would have been no “Dark Side of the Moon” and guitarist Dave Gilmour would never have introduced a 16-year-old Kate Bush to the label!

The strangest twist in the tale is that after Pink Floyd took over their own production duties, Norman Smith reinvented himself, albeit briefly, as a pop singer! In 1972, under the pseudonym Hurricane Smith, and at the age of nearly 50, he had a huge hit with the self-penned “Oh, Babe, What Would You Say?” The song harked back to the music hall and vaudeville era. If you’ve never heard it, imagine a Gilbert O’Sullivan tune sung by John Hurt! Appearance wise, he promoted the record modelling himself on Peter Wyngarde as Jason King from the ITC TV series “Department S”! At the time, I was too young to make the connection between Hurricane and Norman, which presumably was the intention, but, I’m pleased to say, I still have my copy of his best-known single.

Terminus

This month sees both the third anniversary of TimeWarden’s Journal, hence the increased activity over the last few weeks, and the first anniversary of my music-clip blog, TimeWarden’s Jukebox, the latter originating as a Photo-log entitled “Editions of You” (after the Roxy Music song from their second album “For Your Pleasure”). But, as you can see, my transport is waiting so it’s time for me to depart. Six months ago, I decided to stop blogging but then, before you could say Russell T. Davies, I gave myself what has turned out to be only a temporary reprieve. That was on my 203rd post and here I am 58 posts later, writing my 261st, saying cheerio once again! My reasons for calling it a day are manifold but I won’t bore you all to death with going into every single one of them. The bottom line is, I don’t really know what the point is, of writing great eulogies that hardly anybody reads. I’ve never courted popularity, and absolutely detest cliques, which means I must’ve been writing primarily to entertain myself. If someone else enjoyed what I’ve written, along the way, that is an added bonus.

I set up TimeWarden’s Journal primarily to write about new “Doctor Who”. But, the tables finally turned against the programme with the content of last season’s finale, “Last of the Time Lords”, the worst-ever episode in the forty-five year history of the time traveller’s adventures. As if to compound the injury, it was immediately followed by the announcement of the return of Catherine Tate. I couldn’t really get a handle on what seem to me to be bizarre production decisions. It wasn’t just those two things, of course, but a continued lack of quality over three years culminating in the absolute garbage of wife abuse and mistreatment of the elderly as family entertainment. It proves to me, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Rusty and his sycophantic cronies are beyond any truly creative narratives in the science fantasy department. I don’t want to spend a quarter of this year negatively reviewing a programme I no longer enjoy anywhere near as much as I once did. And, I certainly don’t want to post a further thirteen images of Catherine Tate, to accompany each critique, when I loathe the very sight of the woman. I can’t think of anything worse except being forced to watch Fiona Phillips, over my breakfast, on the so-abysmal-it-should-be-banned GMTV!

So, that’s it. This blog is no more. It ceases to be. It has expired and gone to meet its maker. Shame, really, as I rather like the TimeWarden moniker! There are many other things I could write about, important issues such as who on earth buys Bobby Billions and Barmy Bierkeller CDs when the pair are so bereft of any talent, musical or otherwise; why no-one should vote at the next General Election and why this country ever abandoned capital punishment. As if the latter needed debating! Still, returning to the trivial, now I might actually find the time to watch some of the television I despise so much but, somehow, I doubt it! A few words of wisdom before I take my leave. Never accept received opinion. Always consider something first hand. And, trust me when I tell you the Sylvester McCoy era is better than the David Tennant one. So long, and thanks for all the fish!

“I’ll see you again, Mister!”

Martha Jones returned to our screens on Wednesday evening, at 9:50pm on BBC Three, in the sixth episode of Series Two of “Torchwood”. The first of Freema Agyeman’s three-story foray, into the dark and sinister underbelly of what passes for life in Cardiff, went by the name of “Reset”, a very appropriate title for an instalment of a series devised by Russell T. Davies! The number of episodes, in both “Doctor Who” and “Torchwood”, that could’ve adequately used that designation, I’ll leave for you to work out!! It was nice to see Freema back because, of all the companions to have appeared in “Doctor Who” since its return in 2005, she’s the one I like the best. That doesn’t mean I’m immensely fond of her, it simply means I can tolerate her more than the rest of the sorry bunch.

I don’t like Rose. We’d never have guessed, I hear you cry. The reason I don’t like Billie’s character is because she’s a snivelling wimp. She didn’t bring “Doctor Who” into the 21st Century as many of her fans claim. She represents a huge step backwards in the emancipation of the female companion. Sophie Aldred was the step forward “Doctor Who” fandom should be acknowledging. Can you see pouty Billie knocking all hell out of a Dalek with a baseball bat? No companion had done that before and none have done it since!

Then, there was Donna. Another bloody housing estate chav! Couldn’t we have followed with someone to contrast the socially challenged Tylers? It doesn’t make television any more real wallowing in common. In fact, it gives nothing to aspire to. With Donna, gone were the teardrops of Rosie, it was in with the mouth and one slightly extended episode of her was just about enough, thank you very much.

Series Three, and in came a character training to be a Doctor. A proper one, you understand, studying for qualifications and everything! At last, someone for young girls to look up to. The trouble with Miss Jones was that Freema, though full of the kind of enthusiasm I find endearing, still sounded like a bloody chav. This was in no small way because of the writing. Take the title of this post, her last line in her last episode (of the last series), “Last of the Time Lords”… why couldn’t she have said, “I’ll see you again, Doctor”? Ace would’ve said, “I’ll see you again, Professor” which still contains a mark of respect. Mister sounds common, despite Freema’s attempt to give it a positive spin, and not like someone with the intelligence and staying power to spend seven years at University training to be a medic! It sounds like Donna. And it sounds like Rose. I can’t say it sounds like Astrid because she had no personality at all, worth speaking of!

Anyway, in the latest episode of the sci-fi spin-off that is “Torchwood”, nice Jim Robinson (off of “Neighbours”!) turns nasty and straps the shapely Miss Martha to an operating table in order to have his wicked way with her, lucky fella! Whatever next? Well, he gets even madder with the interfering do-gooders and sees red after pointing a shotgun at Owen!!

“Come with me, if you wanna live!”

“Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” starts in the UK, on Virgin1 (Freeview 20), in a week’s time on Thursday, 21 February at 10pm. All you have to do is remember to switch over immediately after episode three of “Ashes to Ashes”! The story picks up where the second movie, “Terminator 2: Judgment Day”, left off. Like “Bionic Woman”, which we’re still waiting for ITV2 to broadcast, the lead is played by an English actress. Lena Headey takes over from Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor. She is the mother of John Connor. John is only fifteen years old at this stage of the story but, as we all know, is destined to become the future leader of the human resistance. He’s played by Thomas Dekker. Sarah is seen as a deranged fugitive by the authorities, who do not believe her story about the Terminators. Lena was cast after Series creator Josh Friedman watched her audition tape, and thought she was “a tough, tough woman”!

Like the second sequel in the movie franchise, “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”, the TV series features a female Terminator although this one is sent back from the year 2027 to protect John Connor. Her model and exact capabilities have not yet been revealed. She can mimic human mannerisms better than the T-800 model, and possibly consume food. Her name is Cameron Phillips, presumably after the director of the first two movies, James Cameron. She’s played by Summer Glau, probably best known to genre fans as River from Joss Whedon’s space western “Serenity”. The Connors are pursued by FBI agent James Ellison played by Richard T. Jones. Lena Headey’s Sarah Connor has already been criticised, in the States, for not being as muscular as Linda Hamilton, in “T2”, but I think the new series should be worth a look despite, obviously, being made on a smaller budget than that first sequel!

The Greatest Show in the Galaxy

I’m surprised that so many “Doctor Who” fans are actually going to stick with Season Four of the new version. Some of the same people who abandoned the series when Bonnie Langford joined, mid-80s, are actually prepared to persevere with the latest, vastly inferior, product that slick marketing insists is marvellous!! Well, it isn’t, in any way, excellent. I’ve stayed loyal to the programme for well over forty years and can highly recommend to those fans, who’ve never actually watched the last couple of seasons of its original run, that they are missing out on at least four of the finest stories in the show’s history.

In 2008, under Russell T. Davies, “Doctor Who” is now only “Doctor Who” in title. It bears absolutely no resemblance to the show I loved between 1963 and 1989, and remembered fondly thereafter. Rusty arrived, 2005, and messed with the format, story structures, characters and changed the entire feel of the programme. “Survival”, episode three, is recognisably the same series as “An Unearthly Child” 26 years earlier. I still regard those three decades as having delivered “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy” and, nearly two decades after it finished, I’m still waiting for the return of “Doctor Who”! Yes, I know, I’m going to have a long wait!!

Alyson burns Rubber!

Proof, were it needed, that show runner Russell T. Davies nicks all his lousy ideas for “Doctor Who” from Joss Whedon’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. Where do you think Rusty pinched the line used in “The Christmas Invasion”, “Don’t you think she looks tyred?”, if not from eyeing sexy lesbian witch Willow Rosenberg wrapped in eraser?

Red hot “American Pie” actress Alyson Hannigan certainly knows how to play her instrument too, toots, memorably exclaiming, in rather breathy tones, that “This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.”! We’ve seen his Spike in “Touchwood”, so I wonder how many inches it’ll be before RTD uses Michelle Flaherty’s little quim in one of his fine productions?