Spin Doctor

I watched in vain waiting for “The Sound of Drums” to explain how Derek Jacobi’s Master was able to regenerate into John Simm’s version, at the end of the previous episode, when, in both “The Deadly Assassin” and “The Keeper of Traken”, the Master states that he has passed through all twelve regenerations! Geoffrey Beevers, in the thirteenth and final incarnation of the rogue Time Lord, steals the body of Anthony Ainley’s Tremas, in the latter of the two Tom Baker stories, but I presume that action didn’t come complete with a new set of regenerations? I suppose, as the Master starts out in the Paul McGann TV movie as a shapeless morphant creature, in an attempt to ape “The X-Files”, before taking over the body of ambulance driver Bruce, played by Eric Roberts, the 1996 film only serves to muddy the waters where the Master is concerned. Russell T Davies has obviously decided to ignore the evolution of the character opting to utilise merely its bare essence. It’s a misnomer that you necessarily need an actor who looks, or even acts, like the original, as presumably was the case in casting Ainley. The Doctors have usually been chosen in physical contrast to their immediate predecessors so why not the Master? If nothing else, that has been the case in “Utopia”! All the Doctors retained dignity, up to and including the eighth incarnation, as indeed has the Master until the arrival of John Simm!!

It’s telling that the single best moment, this season, is when Derek Jacobi proclaims “I am the Master” and is almost-immediately followed by the single worst when John Simm waves “Bye, bye” as if he were a five-year-old! This immature portrayal carries over into “The Sound of Drums”, noticeably when, gas-masked, he gives a double thumbs up at his ruthless execution of the cabinet!! It’s like the child who, realising his photo is about to be taken, compulsively raises a thumb to the air!!! I’m surprised the Doctor didn’t say to the Master, when they finally confront one another, “What you need is a jolly good smacked bottom!” For those who don’t know, it’s how the first Doctor tells off his granddaughter during “The Dalek Invasion of Earth”!! And, the point of reintroducing the jelly babies? (Time) Lord knows, other than making “Doctor Who” is a bit like Chinese Takeaway… using very few ingredients but in every possible combination!!!

Russell’s taste in music leaves a lot to be desired, too. There’s nothing wrong with Simm tapping out the rhythm of the theme tune, which incidentally is the same as Beethoven’s most famous Symphony, the Fifth, but what was the point of Rogue Trader’s “Voodoo Child” on the soundtrack except to add to the cacophony? For a politician, Ann Widdecombe was amusing but unnecessary whereas Sharon Osbourne and McFly nothing more than a complete waste of space. Especially awful was the close up of the one in the baseball cap, about which my feelings are the same as those of Richard Dawkins! To end on a positive note, I did enjoy Russell’s equally anti-American/anti-British jibes, at our real respective political leaders (although, one of those spin Doctors is regenerating this week!!), as well as the lovely Alexandra Moen’s perfectly-pitched portrayal of the premiere’s spouse, Lucy, seemingly much sweeter than her real-life counterpart!!!

Look Sharpe About It!

Sean Bean returned to the role of Richard Sharpe, after a nine year absence from the small screen, a little over a year ago on ITV1 in the two-part story “Sharpe’s Challenge”. Based on three of Bernard Cornwell’s novels, this adventure is set in Jaipur one year on from Napoleon’s demise at the Battle of Waterloo. It sees Sean reunited with director Tom Clegg and sparring partner Daragh O’Malley, as Sergeant Patrick Harper, whom he sets out to find on a mission to India, but on the pretext of looking for General Burroughs’ daughter Celia, played by “Primeval” actress Lucy Brown, who has been kidnapped and is held hostage against attack at Khande Rao’s fort.

Sharpe’s opposition on this occasion is a rogue East India Company officer, Colonel William Dodd, played by Toby Stephens, able to put his fencing skills to good use again after his appearance as the villain Gustav Graves in the James Bond movie “Die Another Day”! The real power behind young maharajah Khande Rao, Dodd is aided and abetted against the English by the late maharajah’s favourite consort, Madhuvanthi, played by Salman Rushdie’s wife Padma Lakshmi. She tries to seduce Sharpe but, naturally, he’s having none of it! And, not surprisingly, Sharpe has unfinished business with the Colonel! Dodd lays a trap for the troops of the East India Company who are coerced into attacking the fort, regardless of the consequences to the indisposed General’s daughter, by General Sir Henry Simmerson, Michael Cochrane reprising his role after three previous appearances in the series. Thus, the stage is set for the final battle...

Watching the ITV3 “Behind the Scenes” documentary, after the concluding episode, it’s a wonder the programme ever got made! The number of extras, and costumes required for them, hand-built rifles and cannons, learning how to become a soldier in ten days flat, not to mention Sean and Toby going down with Delhi belly both on the same day, meant the Production team were up against it!! But, the finished product is a treat with a terrific cliff-hanger at the end of episode one which isn’t immediately spoiled in the next time trailer!!! Having infiltrated the enemy, and unrecognised by Dodd, Sharpe has to prove his new found loyalty to the young maharajah when he is ordered by the Colonel to shoot his best friend...

If you missed it last year, and want to find out whether or not Harper survives, after all Sharpe is a good shot, the best, then “Sharpe’s Challenge” is repeated on ITV1 at 9pm this Thursday and Friday! It’s worth seeing just for Peter-Hugo Daly’s performance as Sergeant Shadrach Bickerstaff, a constant thorn in Sharpe’s side, who steals every scene he is in with much accomplishment!! Meanwhile, the earlier episodes of “Sharpe” are currently being repeated on UKTV History at the same time, 9pm, five nights a week, from Sunday to Thursday!!!

Master Class

Sir Derek Jacobi’s portrayal of, initially, Professor Yana and, latterly, the Master in the latest episode of “Doctor Who”, “Utopia”, was quite simply exemplary. I don’t think it an exaggeration to say that his is the finest performance the series has seen since its return a little over two years ago. I’ve already read accusations of hamminess levelled at the moment Sir Derek is revealed to be the Doctor’s arch enemy but, for me, he executed the transition from good to evil with consummate ease. Just for one episode, Jacobi gave back dignity to “Doctor Who”! Which is more than can be said for successor John Simm!! Post regeneration, the Master had undergone a complete character transplant, which I know is often the case with Gallifreyans, and started to act like a total buffoon in order to fit in perfectly with the RTD vision of the “Doctor Who” universe!!! I suppose I don’t blame Simm. He can only work with what Russell writes. But, he was out-acted by the boy who won the “Blue Peter” competition! And, in a way, the “Life on Mars” actor undermined the good work the Knight of the Realm had put in hitherto. Just as David Tennant undercut much that transpired in “The Parting of the Ways”, with his first few words at the end of that episode, and as Catherine Tate’s supposedly humorous appearance at the end of “Doomsday” detracted from Rose’s emotional departure, so, too, did John Simm diminish what had gone before.

There were some very strange time anomalies in “Utopia”! The Doctor had never seen equipment of this type before even though the Professor was using regular jack plugs! Then, there was the 21st Century lorry that delivered the retrieved TARDIS!! But, best of all, was the black phone the Doctor used which is already out-of-date even by today’s standards!!! It was supposed to be the furthest forward the TARDIS had ever been. Are these artefacts included so the general populace can relate to the story? If so, science fiction really isn’t for them. The rest of us might like to enjoy some material which doesn’t anachronistically reference life as it is in the present day but actually employs the imagination to wonder what it might really be like in the far-flung future! And, what of Futurekind itself? This sabre-toothed clan looked like bikers or wasters you see hanging around city centres with nothing better to do than marvel over each other’s multiple piercings and tattoos! “Utopia”, if nothing else, certainly helped to demonise them!! Aside from their appearance, I thought they were one plot idea too many. It is a tradition, in the programme, to feature outlanders of one sort-or-another but their inclusion only added clutter to what little narrative drive the episode had already. The one little spark of imagination in the yarn came in the concept and design of Chantho, and in her portrayal by Chipo Chung. I warmed to her and, like Captain Jack, wasn’t put off by her speech impediment! Imagine Sir Derek as the Doctor with her as his companion!! It would work for me for a season!!!

Bleak to Blink

“Blink” is the second “Doctor Who” story in a row based on a previously existing tale. It makes you wonder if they’re short of ideas! Whereas the two-part adventure written by Paul Cornell is based on the novel of the same name, but with added scarecrows, the latest episode originated as a short story in the “2006 Doctor Who Annual” and was called ““What I Did on My Christmas Holidays” by Sally Sparrow”. Sally, in the original, is but twelve years old and conscious of having to wear braces! She has a younger brother called Tim which seems to be a popular name in “Doctor Who” these days!! Not a bad name, by any means!!! The short story is simpler, aimed at a younger audience, and much more interested in the time paradox than its TV equivalent with added statues. It was originally a ninth Doctor story without Rose. Writer Steven Moffat captures his character well, as in “The Empty Child”. It’s implied, at the end, that Sally becomes the Doctor’s travelling companion for a while and isn’t left behind like the older character in the updated version, as played to quiet perfection by Carey Mulligan.

I first came across Carey when she played Ada Clare in Andrew Davies’ 2005 adaptation of Dickens’ finest novel “Bleak House”. RTD has employed a fair number of actors from this production in “Doctor Who”, and its spin-off “Torchwood”, over the last few years. Anna Maxwell Martin, in “The Long Game”, appeared in “Doctor Who” before she was seen as Esther Summerson in the Dickens’ classic whereas Burn Gorman was cast as Owen Harper in “Torchwood” after Russell had seen him as Guppy in “Bleak House”. Catherine Tate, Donna in “The Runaway Bride”, had a (thankfully) minor role as Mrs. Chadband in the Dickens’ production while Anne Reid, Florence Finnegan in “Smith and Jones”, played Mrs. Rouncewell. Which brings us up-to-date with Ms Mulligan. Her big break was as Kitty Bennet in the film version of Jane Austen’s “Pride & Prejudice”, alongside Keira Knightley, Brenda Blethyn and Donald Sutherland no less! And, since “Bleak House”, Carey has returned to Austen, in the same season of films in which Billie Piper also appeared, in an ITV1 adaptation of “Northanger Abbey” as Isabella Thorpe.

The usual new age “Doctor Who” philosophy was as implicit in the latest episode as in all the others, despite the virtual absence of the lead characters, that in order to form a meaningful relationship with another human being one must first let go of obsessions. In other words, older “Doctor Who” fans… grow up! Hand your DVDs and transcripts back to the Doctor, stop searching for “Easter Eggs”, in order that you may free yourselves of the encumbrance of an old TV show to hold hands with your lover!! Bit patronising, really, don’t you think, Steven? Aren’t the writers biting the hands that feed? Don’t they want us long-in-the-tooth fans to watch in case we’re a little over-critical of the series’ oh-so-many shortcomings?!! I might just take their advice and switch off! As understatedly beautiful as Carey undoubtedly was as Sally, though, she was upstaged in just one scene. Louis Mahoney, as Old Billy Shipton, stole the show, for me, as he talked of the Doctor and of time travel with his tongue firmly in his cheek but with the added pathos that it was on his last day on this Earth.

Pretty Vacant

Channel 4’s expulsion of “Big Brother” contestant Emily Parr, for the use of racist language directed at a fellow housemate, strikes me as something of an excessive response! Emily was with Charley and Nicky in the garden of the Big Brother House, at approximately 8.30pm the night before last, when she was heard to say “Are you pushing it out you nigger?” to Charley. I believe they were dancing together at the time. There are no excuses, of course, but there may be all sorts of reasons why Ms Parr said it. She’s nineteen and the young aren’t particularly careful with their use of language, although she does aspire to be an actress and has already participated in productions of quality writing so, one might assume from this angle, she should know better! She may have had too much to drink? She may have assumed the language acceptable as the offending word can be found on every other rap record, ironically often performed by black “artistes”, with which she’s no doubt familiar from nights spent clubbing! For Emily to even think that what she said was ok, though, is a little naïve considering the “Celebrity Big Brother” incident earlier this year!!

And, it’s in comparing the rapid response to Emily’s faux pas with the tortured debate that followed the Shilpa Shetty skirmish that one is left wondering about double standards. Why weren’t the three offending women from the earlier confrontation also immediately ejected? Could they have been allowed to remain in the programme because they’re pampered “celebrities”, using the loosest sense of that word, or have Channel 4 genuinely reviewed their policy subsequently, regarding the use of language, for fear of losing, sorry offending, viewers? What would the television company do if everyone decided to use the same word for the hell of it?! If they are worried about causing offence in this way, I trust that all programmes will be edited accordingly and that there will no longer be any swearing on television! Similarly, there was an incident recently in which several female housemates chased Ziggy with the intention of removing his swimming shorts. While he may have enjoyed the attention, had it been the other way round, and several men chasing a young female with the intention of removing her bikini bottom, I suspect a charge of indecent assault would’ve followed! Different strokes for different folks, anyone?!!

The Pilgrim’s Progress

One of the areas in which the current series of “Doctor Who” has shown a marked improvement over the previous two is in getting the balance right between adventure and the personal. “The Family of Blood” continued this trend where the defeat of said Family, a quartet of possessed humans, is as important to the plot as John Smith’s relationship with Joan. This wasn’t the case with Paul Cornell’s previous script, “Father’s Day”, two years ago, where the Reapers were confined to subplot in favour of detailing Rose’s quest to save her Dad. There was a major shift in “Doctor Who”, when it returned in 2005, showing preference for family matters over alien armies! This wasn’t the programme of yesteryear! Back in the early days of the original show, in “The Dalek Invasion of Earth”, the Doctor and friends had to defeat just that, a Dalek invasion of Earth! The story wasn’t called “When Susan Met David”!! Thank goodness!!! Similarly, almost a decade later, “The Green Death” was primarily concerned with overcoming giant maggots and a deranged computer, not Jo Grant getting hitched to the fella from the Nut Hutch. Thus, the departure of actress Katy Manning was handled all the more effectively by preventing her character’s love affair from overwhelming the rest of the narrative. As the Doctor and the Professor, in this Wales-based ecological Pertwee adventure, are rivals for Jo’s affection, the story’s title could quite easily, and rather inappropriately, have been “Smith and Jones”! And, that would’ve also been plain corny, wouldn’t it?

To generalise a little, I would estimate that approximately 80% of screen time in classic “Doctor Who” was taken up telling the adventure side of each story whereas in some of the early episodes of new “Doctor Who” the opposite is true, with the same percentage allotted to exploring relationships. That’s a shame because that change has made what was once a unique science fiction series now seem like every other show! What’s more, I never got the feeling that the relationships were properly thought through. The ties that bound the characters together were sketchily written at best, sometimes contradicted, and if you’ve read Dickens or Hardy, and seen it done well, why would you want to watch it done poorly? With last week’s episode, “Human Nature”, I felt the balance was more fifty/fifty between the two storytelling aspects which isn’t a bad place to be but, as I’ve already indicated, not where the show was forty-four, or even eighteen, years ago. There was a slight tilt in favour of relationships again in the concluding episode, “The Family of Blood”, mainly because the enemy was dispatched ten minutes before the end so Joan could give the Doctor his marching orders, he not being the man he used to be! Despite the episode underrunning, the extra time did allow for a lovely TARDIS dematerialisation scene, the best since season one’s “The Unquiet Dead” which brings me nicely back to “Charlie boy” who would, undoubtedly, have mocked the aforementioned statistics as mere “stutterings”! Incidentally, speaking of Dickens, actor Harry Lloyd, who played the persistently smirking “Son of Mine” Jeremy Baines in the latest two-parter, is actually the great-great-great-grandson of the novelist on his mother’s side!! “Super! Super fun!!” Ancestry explains everything!!!

Garbage - Tell Me Where It Hurts

And, just in case you missed it at the beginning of the week on Channel 4, perhaps because of the late hour, here’s what might well prove to be the final single from Garbage. “Tell Me Where It Hurts” will also be available on the forthcoming greatest hits album “Absolute Garbage”, and is the only new song to be included in the collection. There will also be a special edition including remixes on a second disc as well as a DVD release of the band’s promotional videos. If any of you have any ideas as to what the imagery is all about, accompanying this track, please don’t hesitate to let me know. It looks good, though, which seems to be enough for most people these days! The song itself grows on you but, like the material on the third and fourth albums, “Beautiful Garbage” and “Bleed Like Me”, seems tamer than “classics” such as “Only Happy When It Rains” and “When I Grow Up”!! However, “Tell Me Where It Hurts” is a lot better than most of the rival pap presently on the market!!!

Far Beyond the Pale Horizon

There’s an excellent new rock-documentary series, in seven parts, currently running on BBC Two, on Saturday evenings, appropriately entitled “Seven Ages of Rock”! Last weekend, it’s repeated on Sundays on BBC One, the second instalment moved forward from the rhythm and blues of the Sixties, featured in the first programme, to the era of glam and progressive rock under the title “White Light, White Heat: Art Rock”. It essentially covered the work of five acts, Pink Floyd, Genesis, Velvet Underground, David Bowie and Roxy Music, exploring the links, as the episode-title suggests, between art and rock! Bryan Ferry read Fine Art at Newcastle University, for example, while Andy Warhol managed Lou Reed’s band, the Velvets, in the States. During the Peter Gabriel era of Genesis the movement became increasingly surreal as Gabriel donned a red dress and the head of a fox!! This harked back to the days when Pink Floyd boasted Syd Barrett as their lead singer, detailing the release of their first single, “Arnold Layne”, about a transvestite stealing women’s underwear from washing lines!!! Controversial, for the time, whereas today he could just pop into Primark’s!

Keeping a sharp eye, and ear, on the career of Syd was a young man named David Jones who, after changing his surname to Bowie, picked up where Barrett left off, scoring a novelty hit in the late Sixties with a song called “Space Oddity”. It wasn’t until 1972 that Bowie became a major player, however, with the release of hit single “Starman” from the album “Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars”. He would later cover Floyd’s second single, the exceptional “See Emily Play”, on his album “Pinups”. Supporting Bowie on a couple of major concert dates in London was an up-and-coming glam-rock outfit called Roxy Music. Again in 1972, they released what became a seminal rock single based on one of Bryan’s paintings, “Virginia Plain”. In my opinion, there hasn’t been a single to top the inventiveness of this recording in the last 35 years. Its strengths lie in the instrumentation and sonority of the track rather than melody and harmony. Chromatic bass line, synthesiser treatments, oboe ostinato coupled with Ferry’s voice and lyric, pulling together an extraordinary list of references, make this song unique in the annals of rock. Programme three, next weekend, documents the rise of Punk in the late Seventies!

To Serve Them All My Days

Season three of new “Doctor Who” reaches its middle two-part story, that portion of a series, previously established initially with “The Empty Child” and latterly with “The Impossible Planet”, containing most substance! This year seems to be no exception judging from the opening episode, “Human Nature”. It’s a more interesting and complex tale than writer Paul Cornell’s previous offering two years ago, in the opening season’s “Father’s Day”, which I enjoyed on first viewing but disliked thereafter. “Human Nature” actually predates that Christopher Eccleston episode, originally appearing as a Seventh Doctor novel in the mid-Nineties, now updated by its original author to accommodate the current Doctor and latest companion. Speaking of Martha, and as I indicated in a comment posted on Old Cheeser’s blog before the recent report published in “The Sun”, I’m beginning to wonder if she will survive beyond this season? I haven’t heard that she’s had her contract renewed for next year! And, I’m pondering whether or not Kylie Minogue might fill the part of stopgap-companion, as did Catherine Tate, in the forthcoming Christmas special?

As good as “Human Nature” undoubtedly is, there’s one gaping plot hole that occurred to me on second viewing. Why on earth was something as important as the Doctor’s fob watch left lying about on the mantelpiece for all to peruse? It’s quite possible the Doctor as John Smith would open it himself, having no recollection of its function. Or, maybe Joan might’ve become curious and taken a peek. It’s essentially a homing device for the Family of Blood, for goodness sake, and would’ve surely been better concealed, undisturbed, on Martha’s person! As it is, my namesake Tim is the one who eventually unlocks the device which could bring about the possible demise of the man he has hitherto regarded as his teacher. The Family need to trace the Doctor in order to extend their own lives beyond a month. Regarding the Scarecrows, do any fans of the original series find their lollop reminiscent of the Marshmen in “Full Circle”?!! And, finally, what is it with the current production team and wedding dresses?!! Two dummies, wearing them, attack Jackie in “Rose”. Then, two weddings feature in “Father’s Day”. Last December, Catherine Tate donned one, appropriately enough, in “The Runaway Bride”! And, next week, Joan will appear in one in the concluding episode, “The Family of Blood”!! Stay tuned…

Absolute Garbage

You might think that with a Post-title such as “Absolute Garbage” I’d be writing about government plans to ensure we spend the rest of our lives separating card from the rest of the rubbish! At least five different-colour bins should keep kids happy and a £20-fine if we so much as throw out one Mars bar-wrapper too many!! Then there’s the news that the public may be charged for the use of roads, a sample cost being that a single journey from Bristol to London will come in at £160.80!!! And, what about the new forms to fill in before you can sell your house at between a hefty £400 to £700?!! Film director and former “Monty Python” animator, Terry Gilliam was right in “Brazil”, almost a quarter of a century ago, when he suggested that one day we would be paying to breathe fresh air!!! I don’t know about you but I don’t believe politicians “breathe the same air” as I do. Anyway, enough of this twaddle on trash! This piece isn’t about waste disposal, throwing out the junk, refusing to collect the refuse, it’s about the imminent release of the greatest hits collection of that super-charged Anglo-American beat combo known as Garbage!! Absolutely!!!

More specifically, I’m writing to let you know that the new single and video, recorded especially for inclusion on “Absolute Garbage”, will be aired twice this coming Bank Holiday Monday (technically on Tuesday morning) just after midnight on Channel 4. It’s called “Tell Me Where It Hurts” to which I would answer “in the pocket” if all the complaints of the previous paragraph come to fruition! Garbage are a four-piece, the lead singer, Shirley Manson, hailing from Scotland while the three guys, Duke Erikson, Steve Marker and Butch Vig, originate from Madison, Wisconsin, in the USA. They’ve been in existence since 1994 and have produced four studio albums that have yielded a string of hit singles. Most of them appear on their new compilation, the release date for which is uncertain though possibly June 4th. I’m thinking the title, “Absolute Garbage”, is post-modern irony because were Westlife to release a “Best of” collection it would, quite blatantly, be a lie! So, I assume “Absolute Garbage” is anything but that which the title literally suggests!! Perhaps the band are simply being honest in that anyone remotely cultured knows that, even though one may enjoy it, all pop music is absolute garbage!!! However you view it, here’s the track-listing…

Queer
Only Happy When It Rains
Stupid Girl
Milk
#1 Crush
Push It
I Think I’m Paranoid
Special
When I Grow Up
You Look So Fine
The World is Not Enough
Cherry Lips
Shut Your Mouth
Why Do You Love Me
Bleed Like Me
Tell Me Where It Hurts
It’s All Over But The Crying