TimeWarden’s Journal

Getting shirty

2012-01-14T07:04:00.000Z

Towards the end of the recent F1 season, motor-racing pundit Eddie Jordan purchased a pink/maroon-coloured Indian shirt, which he duly wore at said country’s Grand Prix. Later, he decided to auction the garment as part of Children In Need, having persuaded various dignitaries, including a visiting Sir Paul McCartney, to sign it, albeit rather scruffily. I don’t know how much the item of clothing fetched, or even if it was sold at all, as I didn’t watch the evening’s ‘entertainment’, despite the dubious draw of a Doctor Who sketch! The prospect of sitting through continuity tarts Tess Daly, Fearne Cotton and Alesha Dixon, for such an exhausting amount of time, held absolutely no appeal. I have occasionally wondered what became of Eddie’s shirt. Who would want such an item? What would they do with it once safely installed in their wardrobe? Would it have been laundered before leaving the confines of the BBC? It got me to thinking maybe other celebs should go down the same route, if they haven’t already, and would I be interested in purchasing any of their apparel?

As readers of this Journal are no doubt aware, I’m a fairly enthusiastic fan of Doctor Who! However, I’ve no interest in wearing David Tennant’s trench coat, even if it might make me look a little like Blade Runner’s Rick Deckard! I’m not particularly partial to bow ties either, even if they do possess a certain sartorial elegance! And maybe Chris Eccleston’s leather attire is better suited to The Stranglers’ Jean Jacques Burnel. Some of Billie Piper’s outfits, though, are a different matter. I wasn’t overly impressed with how she was dressed, on most occasions, but a few times they got it just right. I would’ve liked to have seen the white t-shirt she wore in Dalek, or the Union Jack one she wore in the Blitz two-parter, up for grabs. Even the orange affair Rose donned in the Olympic torch episode would be a welcome addition to any admirer’s collection! I wonder what became of the costumes after she left the series, when, presumably, the programme had no further use for them? I don’t recall seeing them at any of the programme’s exhibitions…

The thing is how far do you go when selling off a high-profile star’s clothing? There must be some out there who wouldn’t mind getting their hands on the thong Billie is wearing at the close of The Satan Pit, the backside of which is clearly visible over the top of her jeans on her return to the TARDIS. Others might prefer the thong which makes itself noticeable in the Doctor Who Confidential episode that accompanies Rose’s final regular appearance on the show. The problem is that these items probably belong to her rather than the BBC and she might not want to part with them. It’s all purely hypothetical as it’s quite likely these flimsy little pieces of cloth are probably long gone, worn out after frequent use… replaced by whatever is the latest fashion in these things. Doctor Who fans are mad. Graham Norton said so, so it must be true. I wouldn’t want to contradict his expectations so, if the described items no longer exist, I’d be quite happy acquiring the white bra our Billie is wearing in the above picture, even though she undoubtedly looks far better in it than I ever could!

Cottage industry

2011-10-28T07:21:00.001+01:00

The following post contains strong language, good grammar, perfect punctuation, and a superfluous sub-clause, I have to say! But when the BBC precede a programme with the announcement - or warning - that it includes strong language, the corporation invariably means swearing, what most people call bad language. Strong is used as a euphemism. Broadcasters do not wish to imply, before it has even begun, that the drama on which viewers are about to invest their time may be poorly written! Strong language, taken literally, is more likely to be found in the work of Dickens, Hardy and Shakespeare than it is in the latest BBC or Channel 4 offering set on a housing estate. Yet I consider Dennis Potter to be television’s all-time greatest writer, and he used ‘vulgar’ vocabulary, likely to upset the late Mrs Whitehouse and all like-minded folk, on a fairly frequent basis. Lipstick On Your Collar opens with a character proclaiming, out of sheer boredom with his mundane job at the war office, “Bum-holes! Bum-holes, say I, in the plural!!”. This, no doubt, seemed shocking at the time of its first transmission, although it certainly grabbed your attention, but, now, not many would bat an eyelid. The passage of time has eroded resistance to left-field literary ideas. In the third instalment of Fry’s Planet Word, entitled Uses And Abuses, originally shown on BBC2 on 9th October, Stephen Fry explored the benefits of so-called bad language, finding out from Brian Blessed how swearing can help relieve pain, and discussed, with Armando Iannucci and Omid Djalili, its power in comedy. I, myself, have found that ‘letting rip’ at key moments is certainly a great reliever of stress! And, if you want to read that the wrong way, be my guest!!

There is, perhaps, only one taboo swearword left in broadcasting and that is the word cunt. Fuck has become acceptable despite many still hating it. I can remember the first broadcast, on ITV, of Alien in which Ripley exclaims, “We’ll trap it in the airlock and blow it the fuck into space!”. “The fuck” was edited out as offensive and ultimately unnecessary whereas, these days, the film is shown complete. The original Terminator has Linda Hamilton sweatily cry out, “You’re terminated, motherfucker!”. This doesn’t seem to me to be out of place. The android has come back through time to kill the mother before she gives birth to the future saviour of mankind and is, as it’s about to be crushed into oblivion, as Linda describes and not in the least gratuitous. But, considering the amount of fuss when Jeremy Hunt’s surname was mispronounced recently, on two separate occasions, how will the powers that be treat the Andy Serkis comedy-horror The Cottage when the time arrives for its initial terrestrial transmission? It concerns the attempts of two estranged brothers, after a successful abduction, to ransom a gangster’s daughter, Tracey, played with an enormous amount of enthusiasm by Jennifer Ellison. The problem with the movie, for any potential broadcaster, is that the girl in question has the ultimate potty mouth. She is gagged for a reason! Once the gag is removed everyone under the sun is a fucking cunt. She’s bright but aggressive with it, breaking the nose of one of the brothers with a head-butt for staring at her breasts. Can’t say as I blame him! But Jen seems to relish the opportunity to give it all she’s got, in her best Liverpudlian accent, and some critics have claimed she steals the show. Maybe the movie would’ve been better titled The Curse Of The Cottage!

Adventures of a lifetime

2011-10-19T06:26:00.002+01:00

And so the final episode of The Sarah Jane Adventures was transmitted on Tuesday afternoon at 5.15pm on the CBBC channel. Part Two of The Man Who Never Was completed the curtailed run of the Fifth Season. There was talk that the series might continue without its leading lady. It’s happened before. Blake’s 7 survived, after the departure of Gareth Thomas, as did Taggart, on the death of Mark McManus. But the BBC finally took the opportunity to pull the plug. Credit to Russell T Davies, who fought hard to keep the show on air when it was threatened with cancellation earlier in its life. I believe the BBC took some persuading to make the show in the first place. Bringing back a character, popular in the Seventies, to front a programme aimed primarily at twelve to fourteen-year-olds doesn’t seem like an obvious choice! But it seemed to work, though, in real life, one would no doubt question the motives of a sixty-year-old woman hanging out with a bunch of school children, even if some of the children in question did look as though they were in their early twenties themselves! Yasmin Paige, as Maria Jackson, and then Anjli Mohindra, as Rani Chandra, certainly gave the adventures in which they appeared that additional bounce! But The Sarah Jane Adventures belonged to the late Elisabeth Sladen and, in the present economic climate, it is unlikely we shall see its kind again in the foreseeable future.

It’s a shame really. Programmes such as The Sarah Jane Adventures were commonplace once upon a time. Everyone took them for granted. ITV were always trying to create a winning formula with which they could rival Doctor Who in the mid-to-late Sixties and throughout the Seventies. For the most part, they were as successful. The obvious examples are the string, no pun intended, of hugely popular-to-this-day Gerry Anderson puppet series. They began in the Fifties, of course, but took off when Gerry and then-wife Sylvia turned their hands to science fiction. Supercar, Fireball XL5, Stingray, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet And The Mysterons, Joe 90 and The Secret Service were all hugely exciting. Live action series were equally as popular. Sexton Blake, Freewheelers, Timeslip, Ace Of Wands and The Tomorrow People all left their mark, as did UFO and Space: 1999 when the Andersons put Supermarionation behind them. Peter Davison’s first acting role was in The Tomorrow People, up against the very series he would eventually helm! We’ve seen their like since. The Demon Headmaster and Moondial were two such. Ironically, other than Sarah Jane, the last were Dark Season and Century Falls in the early Nineties, both excellently written by Russell T Davies. Children are being sold short without such fantasy stimulation, and televisual creativity will suffer further because of the demise of this genre!

Strictly Confidential

2011-10-13T06:05:00.000+01:00

As the Prime Minister sups on another glass of claret to accompany a not inexpensive joint of roast lamb, and as the rich keep getting richer by not carrying loose change, and while the poorer among us deliberate over whether or not to invest in a six-pack of crisps (cheese and onion flavour), the future of broadcasting is being decided over at the BBC. You might think this a more mundane matter but, despite the country teetering on the brink of financial ruin, the impact of programming on the nation’s health and wellbeing should not be underestimated. My father has been trying to persuade me to indulge in a more modern television, one that doesn’t drift out of tune five minutes into a programme and every few minutes thereafter, one that actually comes complete with a SCART socket! He’s even offered to purchase the thing for me. My thoughts, however, have been leaning towards chucking the old set out and not bothering to replace it. Why, you might be inclined to ask? The answer is simple. Quality drama is in decline. We’ve been told the 20% cuts, to be implemented by the BBC between now and 2017, will hardly be noticed. Unless you’re a totally casual viewer, this simply isn’t true. I’ve been noticing it all year, even prior to the recent announcement, and the axing of BBC Three’s Doctor Who Confidential, at the end of last month, is not an inducement to my continued support.

Added to the demise of Confidential is the knowledge that Doctor Who itself will not be returning until the Autumn of next year. The next series will again be split in two so that the second half will not actually see the light of day until the Spring of 2013. In other words, one series spread over two years. And, all this as the programme approaches its Fiftieth Anniversary in November 2013. Presumably, this will mean next year’s Christmas Special is sandwiched between the two halves of the Seventh Series. All in all, the proposed schedule means less new content than was broadcast over 2008 and 2009 when the Fourth Series was followed by a handful of specials. Doctor Who fans should’ve got rid of their television sets back in 1989 when the show was quietly cancelled following the furore of four years earlier. The resulting accumulative-reduction in license income would’ve forced the BBC to rethink their strategy and reinstate the programme forthwith. Thus, consequently, there would not have been a sixteen-year hiatus. Then, perhaps, the series might still be more like it used to be! Money is tight, I know, unless you’re a politician or banker, but you can rest assured that Strictly Come Dancing will return year after year, budget intact, regular as clockwork, to appease all upstanding simpletons! The only Come Dancing I want to hear is by The Kinks!!

Inspecting Wexford

2011-10-08T09:20:00.000+01:00

When Doctor Who finished in 1989, the series of serials that replaced it in my affections was a TVS production called The Ruth Rendell Mysteries. At the centre of these psychological whodunits was a grumpy, weatherworn copper called Chief Inspector Wexford. He was played with tremendous subtlety by a brilliant character actor, mixing tenderness with anger, sympathy with outrage, and I received the news of George Baker’s passing with great sadness. Wexford was a more open-minded policeman than his moralising sidekick, Mike Burden, though Christopher Ravenscroft gave an equally valid performance and the chemistry between the pair was electric. For me, while Jeremy Brett was the quintessential Sherlock Holmes, George Baker was the archetypal modern-day bobby. While not wishing to take anything from the late, great John Thaw’s superlative portrayal of Inspector Morse or Roy Marsden’s thoughtful take on Commander Adam Dalgliesh, the detective holding the greatest appeal was George Baker’s Reg Wexford.

Part of the attraction of The Ruth Rendell Mysteries lay in its format. Each series consisted of several self-contained stories invariably told over multiple episodes. Towards the end of its run, Wexford adopted the Morse structure of imparting a narrative in a single 103-minute film, to a certain degree, and perhaps these were less successful, creatively speaking. But, for the majority of its life, the chosen construct consisted of 51-minute episodes, unravelling its multiplicity of puzzles over two, three or occasionally four-part adventures. In that respect, it became a natural successor to the Time Lord’s escapades, while Cracker adopted the same strategy subsequently. Brian Bennett’s terrific theme tune must, surely, also be a contributing factor to the programme’s immeasurable success.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t in on the magic from the very beginning! I missed, and still haven’t seen to this day, the first television adaptation of a Ruth Rendell Inspector Wexford novel. Entitled Wolf To The Slaughter, it was told over four parts. I believe it was transmitted earlier in the day than subsequent stories. I picked up on the series from the second serial, A Guilty Thing Surprised, related in three episodes and guest starring Michael Jayston and Nigel Terry, and never missed a single broadcast thereafter. I’m not sure why Wolf To The Slaughter has never been repeated on ITV3, or released on VHS or DVD? The other stories have seen the light of day since their initial broadcasts, although ITV now seem to own only the rights to screen the last three tales, Simisola, Road Rage and Harm Done. My favourites include Kissing The Gunner’s Daughter, a four-part investigation into multiple murder which concluded the final series; The Mouse In The Corner, a two-part discourse concerning the abuse of a spouse; but, best of all, An Unkindness Of Ravens, detailing nasty goings-on amongst a female collective and featuring the gorgeous Imogen Boorman (Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, Casualty) as a murderous schoolgirl!

Although Wexford was probably his most famous role, Baker’s repertoire included comedy, drama, soap operas and science fiction over a remarkable six decades. In the mid-Sixties, he appeared in Dennis Potter’s Alice opposite Deborah Watling, before she became my favourite Doctor Who companion! He guest-starred in Doctor Who himself, alongside his namesake Tom Baker, and, between those two, in the first series of the original version of Survivors. He played Number Two in the first episode of the original version of The Prisoner, then shared screen time with John Hurt, Derek Jacobi and Brian Blessed in I, Claudius. On the big screen, amongst numerous roles, he featured in three of the James Bond series, firstly You Only Live Twice (1967), then On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) and latterly The Spy Who Loved Me (1977). But, the film most are likely to recall is The Dam Busters (1955). George died yesterday of pneumonia, aged 80, having recently suffered a stroke. He will be remembered as a meticulous man, always smartly presented, who, interestingly, retained a record of all those with whom he worked, both in front of and behind the camera. He met his third wife, Louie Ramsay, on the set of The Ruth Rendell Mysteries, ironically cast as on-screen wife Dora. She passed away just seven months ago.

The girl next door?

2011-10-05T05:49:00.000+01:00

Rihanna has been in the headlines again this week, prompting discussions as to the suitability of her live shows for those of a young, impressionable age. “She has to push the boundaries,” enlightened ex-Atomic Kitten singer Liz McClarnon, on Monday’s edition of The Wright Stuff! Does she? Is she? Why? Which boundaries are those, Liz? Musically, like most pop stars, she hasn’t a clue. DJ Tony Blackburn disagrees with me, claiming Rihanna to be very talented and with no real need to overtly sexualise her every single action. And these are the boundaries under discussion, social mores. But, even here, she’s not really doing anything that hasn’t been done before, manifold. In my youth, I was keen on a five-piece all-female band from America called The Runaways. They appeared on the scene around the same time as Blondie and I, for one, found them more appealing than Debbie Harry and the guys! I was older though, than the children parents are taking to see Rihanna simulating sex and sing about guys not being able to get it up! But the lead singer of The Runaways, Cherie Currie, dressed equally as provocatively, in a basque, knickers, stockings and suspenders, whilst triumphantly exclaiming, in their debut single Cherry Bomb, she was gonna, “have you, grab you, ’til you’re sore!”

I saw The Runaways live twice, once in Birmingham, in an enormous converted railway shed - the name of which escapes me, and latterly at The Hammersmith Odeon, London. I suppose, in retrospect, the Brummie gig was the more memorable experience. I was right at the front of the stage, with Cherie, who must be about the same age as me, spreading her legs directly in my face with only a small piece of cotton separating her womanhood from my leering eyes… and those of a thousand other young innocents! I also remember vast tables selling paperbacks including American prints of Space: 1999 novelisations, but that’s another music in a different kitchen!! When I saw the band for the second and last time, Miss Currie had departed, for whatever reason, and Joan Jett had taken centre stage. The Queens Of Noize, as they were nicknamed after the title of their second album, perhaps wanted to be taken more seriously. As a four-piece, they were less glam rock and more hard rock. They were in the UK to promote their latest album, Waitin’ For The Night. The lead single, School Days, has the deepest pressing of any in my collection and is probably the loudest piece of vinyl I own! It’s definitely not as loud on the album, despite being exactly the same recording!

Joan is probably better known, now, as the singer of I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll with her band The Blackhearts. This song was covered by Britney Spears. She, herself, caused controversy for dressing up as a schoolgirl in her debut video for Baby, One More Time. About the same time, Russian duo t.A.T.u. were appalling the easily shocked, running around kissing each other wearing only vagina-hugging panties and see-through shirts. Both Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova have since appeared topless in the uncensored promo for White Robe. Lena takes off her knickers, too, so maybe Rihanna still has some way to go in pushing those social boundaries. Lena’s not the first. I recall a member of L7 pulling her trousers down during a performance on Channel 4’s The Word and giving us all a glimpse of her pubic hair. Can’t remember what the song was! As for lyrics, pop records have always been predominantly about sex. Gary Glitter was chanting Do Ya Wanna Touch Me?, which Joan Jett has covered, back in the early Seventies and bragging he was “the man who put the bang in gang”, so why his later activities came as any surprise is beyond me! And so the debate goes on, with Rihanna the latest in a long line advocating promiscuity of one sort or another but as Mick once put it, “It’s Only Rock ‘N’ Roll… but I like it…”

Country matters!

2011-09-29T07:48:00.000+01:00

Whilst the leader of the Labour Party has been pontificating on society’s lack of moral fibre at his Party conference in Liverpool this week, a very different kind of party has been taking place in a muddy barley field near Bangor in Co Down! Pop singer Rihanna has been peeling off her clothes, while filming a music video on a farmer’s land, and he has told her to cover up! Good for him. Someone not afraid to speak his mind, whether rightly or wrongly. Put your tits away, love, ’cos we don’t want to see them in these here parts! It seems to me like a case of Rihanna Ft The Wurzels but is apparently a collaboration between her and DJ Calvin Harris. Who he? The shoot was being staged close to a busy dual carriageway when the ‘star’ stripped to a red bikini after removing a long checked dress. Some reports suggest that the bikini top came off too, not that I’ve read all of them! Imagine how many red-blooded, heterosexual, male drivers are going to be distracted by the sight of a young woman’s knockers, famous or not. Bloody motoring hazard if you ask me!

Alan Graham, the 61-year-old farmer in question, pulled up in his tractor and told floozy Rihanna he found her behaviour inappropriate. Let’s be honest, it takes a pretty self-confidant young woman to cavort, half naked, down amongst the cowpats! She is clearly a bit of an exhibitionist. Her lack of inhibitions is just the latest example of an attitude that has existed, amongst a certain type of person, since time immemorial. The girl is really a prostitute and the ‘music’ merely coincidental. It’s not hardcore sex but the record industry has been chipping away at standards as long as I can remember. No political party is going to do anything about it as long as the revenues keep pouring in. Jessie J has told us, “It’s not about the money” and yet that is precisely all it is about. Pop has far more to do with what is fashionable, of the moment, than having a true desire to contribute to genuine musical culture. The performers claim they are ‘artists’, an expression more pretentious than anything you will find in the world of what is unfortunately named ‘classical’ music.

The sight of Rihanna’s bare breasts became too much for Graham’s Christian beliefs so he politely asked filming to stop. Blimey! First politics, now religion, what is my fluffy Journal coming to?! Anyway, credit where credit is due, the scarlet woman understood where the farmer was coming from and the production ground to a halt. I don’t suppose she gives a toss? The crew will simply relocate and shoot the cleavage - sorry footage - elsewhere. These people have so much money coming out their collective ear holes, it doesn’t matter to them. Alan claimed he’d never heard of Rihanna despite having four children of his own. She’s as big as it gets as far as pop stars are concerned… only Beyonce has a fatter arse! Clearly, he wasn’t interested in dancing under her umbrella! But the incident ended well. The farmer and the cowhand should be friends. He didn’t put her over bended knee and spank her bare bottom. They parted company on good terms. I have a back garden which, while undoubtedly not as big as Mr Graham’s acres, I’m only too happy to rent out!

Holly’s humongous hooters!

2011-09-22T08:15:00.000+01:00

Lest there be any misunderstanding, I am of course referring in my post title to the inordinate amount of maternity leave taken recently by Holly Willoughby from ITV1’s flagship weekday magazine programme This Morning. I mean, what a hoot! You’ve got to hand it to her… the sheer audacity of the woman. She managed to conceive the child so that her time off ‘work’, post childbirth, would run straight into her summer break. Talk about having it made. And, presumably, all the time she would be on a retainer. How else can you account for the fact that, every show, she looks as though she’s stepped straight from a clothing catalogue? Every edition, a different outfit - each designed to show off her assets! If only all mothers had the luxury of being paid to bring up a family on money that’s ostensibly for presenting a television series. I’m sure there isn’t a person in the world who wouldn’t love a similar, all-expenses-paid, protracted holiday!

Holly Willoughby isn’t the first television ‘personality’ to hustle herself some extended paid leave. Natasha Kaplinsky pulled the same trick on Channel 5. No sooner had she acquired the plum position of presenting the early evening news than she, too, took maternity leave. Following her return to work, she ‘fell’ pregnant again and needed more time away. After delivering her second child, she quit her post as the station’s news anchor having presented hardly anything while on the job, so to speak! And, now, Jenni Falconer’s at it! This onetime GMTV presenter filled in on This Morning for Willobooby, as idiot Keith Lemon refers to her (I wonder what’s the key to Holly’s success?!), during her time out. I imagine Falconer will also return, in her case to the BBC’s lottery-presenting game - once the services of a nanny have been acquired. I recommend Alan Sugar, or at least someone with similar inclinations, head one or other of these broadcasting corporations in order to stamp out the abuse of such privileges! Ask these women, before they’re offered a prestigious post in live media, if they intend having a family.

And what are Holly’s qualifications to front This Morning anyway, pregnant or otherwise? Like her co-presenter, Phillip Schofield, she started out in children’s television. Nothing wrong with that except it doesn’t necessarily make you a serious journalist! Some of the subjects that arise on the programme make her unsuitable for the job. She can deal with the fluff alright. She’s in her element discussing all the latest soap updates or X Factor shite. But when it comes to dealing with serious stories like serial killer Fred West or interviewing nurse Rebecca Leighton in connection with saline poisoning, Holly hardly says boo to a goose. Schofield isn’t much better, to be honest, desperately attempting a grim expression while Booby checks to see if her tits are still there! There’s almost a sense of relief when the programme repeats the competition for the umpteenth boring time. Treating the viewer with a considerable degree of respect, to help ‘steal’ the cash required to pay the presenters’ inflated salaries, a question is patronisingly posed for which you might win the princely sum of £25,000 (for the price of a premium rate phone call!)… Who has the biggest breasts on daytime television - is it A) Jeremy Kyle, B) Matthew Wright, or C) Holly Willoughby?

Release Roderick!

2011-09-15T07:40:00.000+01:00

You don’t have to have a speech impediment to work at the BBC but it sure-as-hell helps! Replacing the letter r with a w is not necessarily a bad thing though. It’s definitely an attention grabber when done with alliteration. And, if the presenter with the problem delivers the script with boundless enthusiasm, they’ve almost certainly got it made. One such, at the present time, is Dr Lucy Worsley. She’s a diminutive historian who has just completed a three-part BBC Four series entitled Elegance And Decadence: The Age Of The Regency, detailing how British culture was transformed in the early 19th century. We’ve learnt about Britain’s construction boom, following the defeat of Napoleon, and heard the gossip which led to a backlash against the Prince Regent’s excesses… and all to a soundtrack including The Stranglers’ Nice ‘N’ Sleazy in the second instalment!

But it was the trailer for Elegance And Decadence: The Age Of The Regency which initially caught the attention. It’s not just that said trailer has been played to death but whoever wrote it categorically set out to exploit poor little Lucy’s lisp! Why else would they ask her to say, “Britannia really did rule the waves” knowing it would air again, and again, and again! She’s cute but I suspect she’s a no-nonsense lady who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. A big fan of Jane Austen, Lucy soon put one interviewee in his place, pointing out the camera was still rolling when he started to flirt with her. Then there was the Royal Mail coachman who called her “love” as if she’d just boarded a number sixty-nine bus!

To complement Dr Lucy’s show, BBC Four elected to repeat The Romantics, another three-parter, presented by Peter Ackroyd and detailing the effects of literature on historical movements. Each episode was illustrated liberally with the lyricism of Lord Byron, John Keats and Percy Bysshe Shelley played by the likes of David Threlfall, a million miles away from Frank Gallagher, and TARDIS incumbent-in-waiting David Tennant. Peter, like Dr Worsley, ‘suffers’ from a speech defect, though, and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me saying, I don’t find him as alluring as the lovely Lucy. But he delivers with a great deal of panache, worthy of one of the great romantic poets himself, repeatedly gazing off into the middle distance - not unlike Derek Thompson’s Charlie in numerous episodes of Casualty!

One right, royal, pain in the arse I’m glad to see the back of from the BBC is Jonathan Ross. He’s defected to ITV, claiming he was at the peak of his game when earning six million at the Beeb. What game was that, Wossy? Duping the license payer into watching non-interviews in order to fund a telephone habit? Every time I read anything about him, the article always mentions Andrew Sachs. And, I’ve just mentioned him too! JR’s first show on ITV1 gained ‘respectable’ ratings, though, back in the day, Doctor Who was cancelled for achieving its lowest-ever viewing figures with approximately the same figure, a little over four million. Ross’s numbers can only decline hereon in, especially after the deadly-dull interview in which Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton revealed his girlfriend, ex-MoggyDoll front woman Nicole ScarySinger, squeals especially for him! Whoopee!!

Doll parts

2011-09-09T06:08:00.000+01:00

He’s shagged Susan Lynch, stolen a bus (causing pensioners to miss their regular game of bingo!), blown up a house (using its central heating system!!) at precisely 6pm and much, much worse in Cracker… attempted to blow up a London railway terminus, as a terrorist in Spooks… mutinied, then had his back flayed for his trouble, in Hornblower… and, if all that wasn’t enough, he wasn’t a particularly pleasant character in Survivors either… but Andrew Tiernan never short changes the viewer. Andy, as he was credited in this week’s episode of Doctor Who, always turns in a bloody good performance. He played the landlord of a rundown block of flats in Bristol, demanding rent money with the menacing aid of his bruiser-of-a-dog, Bernard! Andy had many of the story’s best lines and moments, bemoaning there was nothing to watch on television except thirty-year-old repeats of Bergerac. Lord knows why he was tuned into Yesterday if he was after the boxing! He brilliantly got sucked into his mangy old carpet much to the total disinterest of his pet but, best of all, was his transformation into one of the demon dolls! Possibly the finest use of special effects since Richard Wilson grew a gasmask in the first series.

Then there was Daniel Mays, whose career continues to be in the ascendancy. ITV3 have been running the 2007 movie Atonement, in which he co-stars with James McAvoy, a romantic drama where a man is accused of a rape he didn’t commit. More recently, Daniel attempted to sort out Gene Hunt’s nick, not the easiest task you can imagine, in the third-and-final series of Ashes To Ashes before being banished to the outer reaches of the solar system in Survivors-style drama Outcasts. In Doctor Who he played Alex, father to a little boy, George, unsure how to connect with his son’s phobia of the dark - when all the scary things come out to play. Boy George turned out not only to be adopted but also alien, living his life in fear of rejection. The coming together of father and child, at the story’s climax, was a pure Railway Children moment, and all the more moving for that! If you’re going to “borrow” then do it from the best!!

And the man who wrote Night Terrors, which may well turn out to be this year’s finest episode of Doctor Who… well, all his previous scripts have been set in the past whereas his latest is set in the present day. He tackled Dickens in The Unquiet Dead, when the novelist was in the last year of his life and about to embark on The Mystery Of Edwin Drood, while Christopher Eccleston was The Doctor… bullying in The Idiot’s Lantern, set during the Queen’s Coronation in 1953, was his next choice of subject after David Tennant had taken over the role… and, after a few years away from writing for Doctor Who, he returned to the fold, last year, to pen Victory Of The Daleks, in which the pepper pots from Skaro were outgunned by Matt Smith, with a great deal of help from the forces and spitfires assembled by a certain PM Winston Churchill. I’m talking about Mark Gatiss, author of all three, whose latest (fourth) instalment of everyone’s favourite science fiction series also included the death of a dear, little old lady by multiple black bin bags! Maybe it was because she looked like Patricia Hayes whilst sounding like Frank Spencer?! When Steven Moffat relinquishes his post as show runner, and assuming he wants the responsibility of the top job, surely Mark is his natural successor.

Fox on the box

2011-09-07T08:51:00.002+01:00

Actress Emilia Fox comes from a famous theatrical dynasty, but just how far back do her family’s acting roots go, and what was the scandal involving one of her ancestors in the 19th century? You can find out in tonight’s fifth episode of Who Do You Think You Are? beginning at 9pm on BBC One. She also discovers her great-great-grandfather Samson came up with an important invention in the 19th century. Born into an impoverished family, he began work at a Leeds textile mill at the age of eight, and went on to become one of the richest men of his time.

Meanwhile, there’s no getting away from Emilia’s relatives on the telly! Not that you’d want to as they’re all very well accomplished. Her dad, Edward, is probably best known for his role in Edward And Mrs Simpson and for attempting to assassinate French President de Gaulle in The Day Of The Jackal. Edward’s brother James made a terrific start to his acting career, appearing opposite Rolling Stone Mick Jagger in Nic Roeg’s seminal gangster flick Performance. I also remember James in a 1983 Film On Four written by Stephen Poliakoff and directed by Charles Sturridge, co-starring Bill Oddie’s daughter Kate Hardie, entitled Runners.

Emilia’s mum is Joanna David and you may have seen her helping the war effort in Yesterday’s repeats of Colditz or as a suspect in A Touch Of Frost opposite David Jason. Joanna was John Thaw’s long-lost love in my favourite Inspector Morse episode Dead On Time. Both mother and daughter were in Andrew Davies’ adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Emilia playing Colin Firth’s fragile and wronged sister. Near the beginning of her career, Emilia won the title role in ITV’s version of Daphne Du Maurier’s Rebecca, gaining experience from Charles Dance, Diana Rigg and Faye Dunaway. More recently, she appeared in a Christmas version of Dickens’ David Copperfield with Bob Hoskins leading a galaxy of stars, again for the BBC, but her name is now synonymous with the forensic-pathology detective-drama series Silent Witness.

As Edward’s daughter has reached the pinnacle of the acting profession, so has James’ son Laurence. While Laurence’s aunt has guest-starred in Morse, he is a regular in spin-off series Lewis, playing the sergeant-turned-inspector’s intellectual sidekick Hathaway. And, of course, Billie Piper has married into the family becoming Laurence’s wife after meeting whilst touring a play together. I’m sure we all know the name of the series for which she’s most famous! Secret Diary Of A… no, not that one!! Anyway, they have a young son together, Winston, and the chances of him becoming an actor, I’d say, are pretty high.

Let’s Stick Together

2011-08-30T07:28:00.000+01:00

When it comes to relationships, television - and the BBC in particular - is obsessed with two diametrically opposite aspects. One was laboriously regurgitated, for the umpteenth time, in last week’s seventh episode of Torchwood: Miracle Day. Russell T Davies has his agenda, which he will doggedly pursue to the end of days, that isn’t helping his cause, either as writer or in terms of sexual orientation, in any way whatsoever. Eighties’ Doctor Who producer John Nathan-Turner was homosexual but didn’t insist on forcing it down our throats, if you’ll pardon the expression, at every available opportunity! All RTD is doing is, metaphorically, boring the pants off everyone by carping on about it and, yes, I know the episode in question wasn’t actually written by him! And, yes, I’m fully aware the instalment was authored by a woman! Similarly, the BBC’s other preoccupation, concerning affairs of the human heart, is about to be foisted upon us, yet again, in a dramatisation of the recent Royal Wedding. Ex-Spooks actor, and one of the many stars of the superlative BBC adaptation of Dickens’ Little Dorrit, Matthew Macfadyen will play heir to the throne HRH Prince William. Ex-EastEnder, though still a Bionic Woman in my eyes, Michelle Ryan will slip into the shoes, if not the smaller brassiere, of Kate Middleton while Rowan Atkinson, assuming he has made a full recovery from his recent motoring accident, will once again attend the Royal Court… this time as best man Prince Harry!!

Alright! It’s a tissue of lies. I made it all up! The BBC aren’t spending any more of the licence payers’ hard-earned reminding us how certain wealthy sectors of the population choose to overindulge. The Royal Wedding reputedly cost fifty-three million pounds which makes the five million smackers that Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone spent on his daughter Petra’s nuptials seem like chicken feed. I do think spending £4,000 per bottle of wine is obscene though. Apparently, both Fergies were there! The ex-Royal, who wasn’t invited to the Royal Wedding, and the female member of Vengaboys sound-alike pop combo The Black Eyed Peas. Stacey and the boys were paid a whopping one-and-a-half million to perform whereas Sarah was the one who could’ve probably done with the cash. Instead, she had to make do with emulating her eldest daughter’s performance at the earlier bash by turning up in another silly hat… presumably! Even the rather feisty Mels, in this week’s opening episode of Doctor Who, lied (or did she?) claiming not to “do” weddings when we all know the series, and its two spin-offs, is obsessed with them. I won’t bore you all to buggery by recounting every single occasion we’ve seen a white meringue in the last seven years. If, in the series finale, the Daleks unexpectedly trundle through the vestry door, and gatecrash The Wedding Of River Song crying ex-ter-mi-nate, then it’ll all have been worth the wait!

Holy Catatonic Catastrophe!

2011-08-23T06:34:00.000+01:00

“There are only two things in life you can rely on,” said Commissioner Gordon, earnestly to his Chief, in yesterday morning’s rerun adventure of Batman.

Up against feline adversary Catwoman, and clearly afraid of a bit of pussy, O’Hara half-rhetorically - but completely cynically - asks, “Death and taxes?”

Steely-eyed, Gordon looks straight down the lens of the camera and unequivocally answers, “Batman and Robin.”

If only it were true!

ITV4 have taken Batman off, albeit temporarily, to make way for live cycling from Spain. So much for same Cat-time, same Cat-channel! But, it’s given me the purrfect excuse to post a purrfumed picture of Catwoman Julie Newmar, to complement the one of Batgirl Yvonne Craig in my earlier piece on this most excellent of television series.

Who says Americans can’t do irony?!

Breaking the silence

2011-08-18T07:19:00.000+01:00

I haven’t written about Doctor Who in this Journal for three months. I’ve not even mentioned the programme in passing! Give the man a medal!! With the second half of Series Six fast approaching, it’s perhaps time to take a little look at the present state of affairs. I wasn’t happy with the cliff-hangers of the last two episodes. Why? After a terrific and traditional two-part story in which The Doctor advocated living in harmony alongside our Doppelgänger cousins, just as he’d done in Doctor Who And The Silurians in 1970, he whipped out his sonic screwdriver and reduced Amy to sludge. The Time Lord had suspected that, for the last half-dozen episodes, his long-standing companion was a double, constantly checking to see whether or not the TARDIS registered her as pregnant. But, why couldn’t he practice what he’d been preaching… tolerance. Why couldn’t Doppelgänger Amy exist together with her flesh and blood counterpart? The audience was fobbed off with some lame excuse about transmitting signals. Confine her where this couldn’t happen would’ve been a more sensible solution but nowhere near as melodramatic as the shock value of seeing The Doctor seemingly bumping off his friend. Writer Matthew Graham, co-creator of Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes, was asked to add this ending by show runner Steven Moffat to lead into the mid-season finale but, for me, only succeeded in spoiling The Rebel Flesh and The Almost People.

And so to the cliff-hanger of Episode Seven, A Good Man Goes To War, in which we learn the real identity of River Song. She’s none other than Amy’s long-lost daughter, Melody Pond. Doctor Who had been building up to this revelation for some time. Ever since River was introduced in 2008, in Steven Moffat’s two-part story Silence In The Library and Forest Of The Dead, the writer has been teasing us as to her true persona. The resolution is a bit of a cheat, in all honesty, as Amy had yet to be introduced to Doctor Who at the time of her offspring’s inception in the series. Karen’s character was still two years away. It needed to be something that was already in the many and varied worlds of Doctor Who for an audience to be truly taken by surprise. Something connected to The Doctor himself would’ve been best, where it doesn’t matter that Matt’s Doctor was also two years away when River was inaugurated because, central to the concept, the Eleventh Doctor is the same character as the Tenth. Maybe the familial connection, now established as mother and daughter, is a red herring to throw the audience off the scent of a much greater surprise, yet to come over the next six episodes. I hope so because, as it stands, the big mid-season denouement was nothing short of pure soap opera, which wouldn’t have been out of place as the climax to an episode of EastEnders! I wonder when I’ll write about modern day Doctor Who again? Soon, all being well!

Up on the Ruth

2011-08-14T05:38:00.000+01:00

No sooner had I posted my previous piece, on the demise of Spooks, when I chanced upon the first publicity still for the new-but-last series. Always the way of things! So, a brief additional post showing Nicola Walker and Peter Firth, in character as Ruth and Harry, on the verge of an embrace… five years on from the Series Five promo used last time! In between, Peter has appeared as a corrupt local councillor, in the three-part Sunday evening serial South Riding, while Nicola has been a guest star - married to a murderous taxi driver played by Eddie the barman from Hustle! - in the first and best series of Luther. Quite a revelation she was, too. Now the two actors are reunited in perhaps their best known roles for one final time.

Don’t bring Harry

2011-08-13T06:26:00.000+01:00

BBC spy drama Spooks will come to an end this autumn on BBC One with a final six-episode tenth series.

Jane Featherstone, chief executive of Kudos Film & Television, the company who created Spooks, calls it “a fitting end to a much-loved show”.

The final series of Spooks will focus on Section D’s Head of Counter-Terrorism Sir Harry Pearce KBE (Peter Firth) and a guilty secret that could destroy his relationship with Senior Intelligence Analyst Ruth Evershed (Nicola Walker). Joining the established cast, Robin Hood’s Lara Pulver plays an ambitious and hungry new spook determined to make her mark! She replaces Beth Bailey, portrayed by Sophia Myles in the last season. Also on board, for its final outing, are (Borg Queen) Alice Krige and the excellent Jonathan Hyde, of Titanic fame, whom I best remember in BBC Two’s period courtroom saga Shadow Of The Noose.

Spooks is responsible for making household names of numerous actors including Matthew Macfadyen, Keeley Hawes, Shauna Macdonald, who went on to star in the superb British horror flick The Descent, Rupert Penry-Jones and Miranda Raison, recently seen in Sugartown, to mention but five!

“We’ve followed the arc of Harry and Ruth’s personal story,” said Featherstone. “I think the team have brought Spooks to a natural end,” she concluded.

Choice Period Piece

2011-08-11T05:12:00.000+01:00

As a follow on to my recent Telly Visions post on Romola Garai, my recommended viewing this weekend is the network television premiere of Glorious 39 on BBC Two this Sunday evening at 9pm. In 1939, gorgeous toff and aspiring actress Anne Keyes (Garai), the adopted daughter of a prominent politician (Bill Nighy), becomes suspicious when a family friend seemingly commits suicide. As she probes, she discovers her father is involved in an organisation sympathetic to Hitler’s regime… and prepared to murder to further its cause.

Writer-director Stephen Poliakoff’s well-executed dramas are often major television events, the finest example being, in my opinion, Shooting The Past. But Glorious 39, a big-screen release, received mixed reviews and vanished quite quickly from cinemas. Essentially, it’s a country house mystery but played against the backdrop of Europe teetering on the brink of World War II. This ripping yarn is part Gosford Park, part The 39 Steps, with the quality cast including Julie Christie, David Tennant, Christopher Lee and Jeremy Northam.

Knickers in a twist

2011-08-09T06:08:00.001+01:00

It’s always a pleasure watching Deep Blue Sea on ITV2 - if only for the moment, about twenty minutes from the end, where Saffron Burrows strips out of her rubber wet suit, ostensibly to use it as insulation, to reveal her perfectly toned body… clad only in the most pristine-as-the-driven-snow bikini/underwear you’ve ever seen! She’s been through ordeal after ordeal and yet the two-piece swimsuit looks brand new - not a blemish on it!! One of the three augmented sharks is dead. There are two left and one is headed straight for her as she tries to retrieve her research into a cure for Alzheimer’s. Saffron has managed to get out of the water by climbing onto a conveniently positioned table. She notices some cabling to a light and decides to rip it from the wall and shock the shark. Cue the Alien rip-off as the gorgeous girl undresses down to her undies in preparation for the battle with the big beastie! In a way I prefer this inferior version of the scenario, simply because I happen to think Miss Burrows is better looking, and sexier, than Sigourney Weaver. Maybe that’s because Saffron has softer features, being an English rose, compared to the harder facial characteristics of the American?

You may have seen Saffron Burrows in other productions. She first came to my attention when she appeared in Dennis Potter’s Karaoke, and adorned the front cover of the Radio Times, fifteen years ago. She’s also more than a little corrupting in the feature film Enigma, concerning the war effort deciphering codes at Bletchley Park alongside Kate Winslet’s more straight-laced character. In Deep Blue Sea, Saffron’s female co-star is Antipodean actress Jacqueline McKenzie. She’s a bit of a looker, too. But, by the time our heroine is warding off one of the nasty monsters in her panties, juicy Jackie has sadly already bitten the dust. Except it was the shark doing the biting! I first saw Miss McKenzie in a three-part BBC adaptation of Ben Elton’s science fiction novel Stark, which also co-starred the author himself doing a spot of straight acting. Staying in the genre, Jacqueline is probably best known now for playing the lead in The 4400, a series detailing the return to Earth of a large group of alien abductees… all on the same day.

I hate rap! As far as I’m concerned, it’s the most tedious and monotonously nauseating noise ever marketed to and inflicted upon a gullible, musically illiterate, general public. However, if you want to know how many eggs to break to make the perfect omelette then LL Cool J is your man - and, no, I don’t have a stutter! That’s the rapper-turned-actor’s moniker but you won’t hear his recipe by tuning into Saturday Kitchen! LL is, actually, quite likable as the chief cook and bottle washer in Deep Blue Sea. When not gawping at Miss Burrows, keep an eye on the chef’s verbose parrot, as well as Samuel L Jackson’s equally loquacious moneyman. I guess that’s what happens to pets and politicians who talk too much! If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you’ve at least a couple of surprises in store! Despite Mister Cool J’s winning performance, I could’ve done without his closing theme song. Although, having said that, my head is like a shark’s fin when it comes to breaking the surface to take a peek at the sexy Saffy almost in the altogether. I only wish the camera had dwelt a little longer on her shapely form. Still, the lens certainly covers some interesting angles!

Are you going to the party?

2011-08-06T05:14:00.000+01:00

Along with reruns of the 45-year-old Batman series, one of the most enjoyable things on television, at the moment, is BBC Four’s repeats of 35-year-old episodes of Top Of The Pops. Yes, most of it is absolute tosh but each instalment usually contains a gem or two. And I’m not talking about the beautiful Babs - dunno what her name is! This week’s programme opened with Steve Harley And Cockney Rebel performing George Harrison’s Here Comes The Sun from their Love’s A Prima Donna album. Great to see the band again, especially Duncan Mackay on keyboards whom I was lucky enough to meet in Bristol after a 10cc gig. It was the week they were No. 1 with Dreadlock Holiday. Even though not enough rock fans know his name, Duncan has been to the top spot on no less than three occasions, the other two being Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me), by the aforementioned Rebels, and on Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights. Also playing with Steve were the incomparable George Ford on bass, guitarist Jim Cregan, later to join Rod Stewart and more recently Katie Melua, and Stuart Eliot on drums, a regular fixture on the early Kate Bush albums.

This week’s edition of Top Of The Pops: 1976 ended with the brand new number one having been on the chart for three weeks according to DJ presenter Dave Lee Travis. Elton John and Kiki Dee’s duet Don’t Go Breaking My Heart also happened to be the first time Reg reached the top. Can’t claim to have met Mr. Dwight but I did spend a whole day once chatting to the lovely Miss Dee. In the late Seventies, and on-and-off throughout the Eighties, I worked in a record store and she paid us a visit. All our customers seemed too shy to come up and talk to her so we got chatting about the record industry. Pleasant lady and, although Elton is good fun in the recorded performance, Kiki sings her part better despite the bespectacled one being the more famous of the two. The pair displaced a certain Greek singer, perhaps now more notorious for being a favourite of Alison Steadman’s character Beverley in Abigail’s Party! I mentioned Doomwatch and Holby City actor Robert Powell’s wife Babs earlier but, by this time, regular dance troupe Pan’s People had been replaced by Ruby Flipper, still choreographed by the recently deceased Flick Colby however. If my memory serves me well, the mix of girls and boys would soon revert to girls only with Legs And Co.

During the course of Wednesday’s TOTP, we were also treated to another showing of the original performance (of two) of The Boston Tea Party by The Sensational Alex Harvey Band. In 1975 I bought their album Tomorrow Belongs To Me as well as their live single Delilah, the same song previously recorded by Tom Jones but here given the full rock treatment. Captain Sensible, of comedy punk outfit The Damned, would later ape this when he recorded Happy Talk from the musical South Pacific. The late Alex’s appearances on these repeats has led to a resurgence of interest for me in the music of SAHB. In earlier editions, Bryan Ferry’s been on a couple of times performing Let’s Stick Together with guitar legend Chris Spedding, aided-and-abetted in the whooping department by Texan beauty Jerry Hall, better known to Roxy Music fans as Prairie Rose and the cover girl of their fifth album Siren. Best of all though was the absolute joy of seeing the original 10cc performing I’m Mandy, Fly Me from their masterpiece How Dare You! Shot a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody video, but sadly nowhere near as commercially successful, Lol Crème, Kevin Godley, Eric Stewart and Graham Gouldman performed to perfection. Again, and apologies for being such a name dropper, I was lucky enough to meet the latter two at the same Colston Hall concert as Duncan Mackay. The colleague with whom I went told the band we’d hyped Dreadlock Holiday to number one. I could’ve shot him - with Rubber Bullets!

Telly Visions: Romola Garai

2011-07-17T06:40:00.001+01:00

Romola Garai seems to be popping up/out all over the place on television just recently! She’s been acting professionally since 2000 when she made her debut in The Last Of The Blonde Bombshells. The actress is perhaps best known now for playing the title role in Jane Austen’s Emma, a four-part adaptation broadcast two years ago on BBC One, opposite Michael Gambon playing her father Mr. Woodhouse. The cast also included Jodhi May and Christina Cole.

But Romola has most recently been seen on BBC Two playing Sugar, a young and intelligent prostitute seeking revenge, through a novel she is writing, against all the men who have abused her and her colleagues, in The Crimson Petal And The White. She has commented on her racy part of Sugar, a 19th century mistress, that “standing around in knickers and suspenders, waiting for someone to call action, is pretty cringe-making... By the end everyone on the set was like, ‘Please just put it away.’”

This week Romola is back on our screens in the six-part television drama series The Hour. Set in the BBC newsrooms of the mid-Fifties, and again on BBC Two, she plays Bel Rowley, spirited and ambitious, and facing the most exciting and daunting challenge of her life – running The Hour. Can her passion for the truth survive the political pressure the job will bring – and will her friendship with Freddie survive her undeniable attraction to front man Hector?

Undercover, Underwired Underwear!

2011-07-06T06:32:00.000+01:00

The latest series of ‘Undercover Boss’ began on Tuesday, 5th July at 9pm on Channel 4 with a look at adult retailer Ann Summers. CEO Jacqueline Gold is one of Britain’s best known business women. She has developed the family industry away from the domain of the male “raincoat brigade” to a taboo-busting female-friendly high street staple. Too famous to go incognito herself, Jacqueline sent younger sister and Deputy MD Vanessa (pictured) undercover, in amongst the undies, to one of their high-street stores. But little sister Vanessa struggled with some customers’ intimate questions about the products!

You can just imagine it… Browsing in one of the stores, a potential male customer picks up a vibrator, ostensibly for his girlfriend or wife, although one wonders why she’d need it if he was keeping her satisfied, and asks the young attractive female shop assistant if she wouldn’t mind demonstrating how to use the object, on the pretence he’s not exactly familiar with its purpose! Or, maybe he’s not sure how a pair of crotchless panties would suit the love of his life and asks the girl behind the counter if she wouldn’t mind modelling them for him while he sets up his digital camera!! Anyway, you get the picture… I’m glad I don’t work at Ann Summers and have to fend off such questions on a regular basis, although maybe you get used to it.

One thing I’ve often found amusing, in the city in which I live, is that Ann Summers is situated next door to Primark! So the most expensive place to get your knickers is a stone’s throw from the cheapest!!

Yvonne, You Turn Me On

2011-06-29T06:17:00.000+01:00

As television becomes less and less entertaining but increasingly neurotic, it’s a relief to be able to tune into ITV4 for the latest reruns of the Sixties’ light-hearted take on comic book hero “Batman”. No doubt Jenny, a downtrodden prostitute in the latest series of “Luther”, might insist on me calling a comic a graphic novel, in order to give such colourful publications increased stature, but I’ll stick with the less pretentious terminology! Comic is more suited to the small screen version of “Batman”, made between 1966 and 1968, because that is what it is, an amusing diversion. Adam West played Batman, with his tongue firmly inside his cheek for a total of 120 episodes, while his trusty sidekick, Robin, the Boy Wonder, was brought to life by Burt Ward. But it was the added attraction of Batgirl, who joined the show for its final season, portrayed delightfully by Yvonne Joyce Craig, that brings back fondest memories!

Without Yvonne Craig, “Batman” would have been cancelled at the end of its second series. Introduced to engage female viewers, though I would’ve thought her addition to the cast might serve only to attract more male admirers, she helped sustain the show for a further twenty-six episodes though sadly not beyond. It was mooted, at one point, that Batgirl would replace Robin as Batman’s sidekick in a fourth series, the boy blunder being written out along with Chief O’Hara. I wonder how that would’ve worked because, throughout the third and final series, Bruce Wayne is unaware of Batgirl’s true identity just as the Commissioner’s mild-mannered librarian daughter, Barbara Gordon, is ignorant of the millionaire playboy behind the mask. The writing joyfully teases the audience, often having the characters on the verge of making a startling discovery then pulling back at the last possible moment, but only Alfred the Butler knows the real identities of both caped crusaders!

Before the groovy Batgirl came on the scene, the most dominant female figure in “Batman” was on the wrong side of the law! I’m talking about Catwoman, though, in her original incarnation, played to purrfection by Julie Newmar, she appears in only twelve of the first ninety-four episodes that comprise the first two seasons. My one disappointment, regarding the series as a whole, is that Yvonne Craig had no scenes with the former “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” actress. Yes, Batgirl comes up against Catwoman in several of her episodes but by now the villain has not only changed identity but race as interpreted by Eartha Kitt. Eartha certainly has the right surname to play the feline, exaggerating the mannerisms for which she is famous, but for this viewer it’s all a little too bizarre. I would’ve loved to see Yvonne slugging it out with Julie but then maybe that’s my own purrsonal predilection! Wham! Bam!! Thank you, Mam!!!

Relative Relations

2011-05-18T05:24:00.000+01:00

It’s been the subject of mass debate as to why the Doctor keeps stroking bits of his TARDIS. He’s sometimes seen dusting his console with his handkerchief and spends copious amounts of time fiddling with his knobs. Yes, as well as having two hearts, he presses more buttons than anyone else in the universe! And now we know why. His little old Police Box is the love of his life. And when it materializes inside a young woman not unlike the one in the above picture, it transpires - in private - he calls her sexy. Never did I imagine I’d be looking at a picture of the Doctor’s space/time machine wearing such a pretty bra! It’s about time Suranne Jones appeared in “Doctor Who” - she’s already acted alongside the fifth Doctor, Peter Davison, in “Unforgiven” and the tenth Doctor, David Tennant, in “Single Father” as well as guest starring in “The Sarah Jane Adventures” as Mona Lisa. She’s still best known, perhaps, for playing feisty factory girl Karen McDonald for four years in “Coronation Street” which she left in 2004.

In “The Doctor’s Wife”, the fourth episode in the current series of “Doctor Who”, Suranne plays Idris whom cult fantasy-author Neil Gaiman hinted “might just turn out to be an old acquaintance with a new face.” Long term fans surmised as to whether or not it could possibly be renegade Time Lady the Rani, reborn in the same way as the Master. Then there’s the name Idris. Could this be a clue? IDentity RIver Song?! But it turned out to be neither of them. Much more cleverly, the story explored the relationship between the Time Lord and his erratic machine, while in human form. At the outset of the adventure, Idris lives with Auntie, Uncle and Nephew, who are raggedy people - patchwork folk put together from bits and pieces of travellers lured to what has become a junkyard world. Suranne’s character has got all her own bits, as most men will have noticed, but if she’d stayed in the same environment any longer, who knows, she might have found she’d got a new limb which didn’t belong to her! Understandably a little bonkers, Idris bites the Doctor! Tough job, acting!!

Decency’s Jigsaw

2011-05-14T05:39:00.000+01:00

If, like me, you found yourself falling for the innocent charms of the Charles Dickens heroine Ada Clare, in the BBC One adaptation of “Bleak House” six years ago, or thought that the Steven Moffat creation Sally Sparrow, in the “Doctor Who” story “Blink” some two years later, might make a more interesting companion than some of the other young ladies to occupy the TARDIS, then you could’ve done worse than tune into BBC Two last night at 8:30pm for the network television premier of the film that finally made a name for ascending actress Carey Mulligan.

“An Education”, made three years ago, is a quirky coming-of-age drama set in London in the early Sixties. Mulligan was Oscar-nominated for her breakthrough role as a gifted 16-year-old schoolgirl, Jenny, whose life is one of drab-suburban conformity. Her strict father, played by Alfred Molina, is determined she shouldn’t be distracted from her studies, and gain the place at Oxford University of which he dreams, by things like going out and having fun! But a chance meeting with a worldly 35-year-old playboy, David, played by Peter Sarsgaard, changes everything forever.

Oozing charm and sophistication, David wins over Jenny’s parents and is soon whisking the impressionable girl off on ‘educational’ weekends away. Well, they do say travel broadens the mind! The situation is perhaps rather dubious but, to a teenager, seems very glamorous and romantic, thanks to smooth-talking David and his good-time friends played by Dominic Cooper and Rosamund Pike. Inevitably, though, the unconventional arrangement can’t last… “An Education” also features the excellent Olivia Williams, recently seen on ITV1 solving intriguing police-procedural “Case Sensitive”, as Jenny’s enlightened English Literature teacher and “Sense and Sensibility” champion Emma Thompson as her hardened headmistress.

Do the Hustle

2011-05-12T06:42:00.001+01:00

The creator of BBC One con-artist drama “Hustle” has said its newly-commissioned eighth series will be the last.

But writer Tony Jordan has not ruled out the possibility that “Hustle”, which first aired in 2004, could be revived.

“Do you allow the show to fade away or… quit while you’re ahead?” Tony asked Broadcast magazine. “You want to go out like James Dean in a fast car,” he added.

A BBC spokesperson confirmed the next series of “Hustle” would be the last “with the current gang”.

Lis Lives!

2011-05-06T22:56:00.001+01:00

At the beginning of next week, BBC Four are repeating a classic “Doctor Who” serial in memory of Elisabeth Sladen, aka investigative journalist Sarah Jane Smith. Despite already owning the story, I welcome and encourage the repeat of any “Doctor Who”, especially those adventures in time and space originally broadcast between the years of 1963 and 1989, so I will of course be tuning in, as indeed should everyone with an interest in the series. There’s still something magical about watching a show on transmission, however handy and useful the various means of catch-up can be. It’s an odd custom, though, to delay until after someone’s passing the celebrations of the achievements of their life. The four episodes in question comprise Elisabeth’s last regular appearances on the show alongside the ever-irrepressible Tom Baker as the Doctor. Tremble in terror at “The Hand of Fear”!

In Part One, airing on Monday 9th May at 19:40, Sarah Jane finds a fossilised hand and places a ring from it on her finger. She is knocked unconscious by an explosion and taken to hospital.

In Part Two, also airing on Monday 9th May - immediately after the first instalment - at 20:05, the fossilised hand is now in the possession of a technician called Driscoll at Nunton power station. He places it in the reactor core, causing disaster.

In Part Three, airing on Tuesday 10th May again at 19:40, the hand has regenerated into a Kastrian called Eldrad who has modelled his form on Sarah Jane. (I bet that’s only because he likes wearing women’s underwear!) He persuades the Doctor to take him back to Kastria.

In Part Four, also airing on Tuesday 10th May - again immediately after the previous instalment - at 20:05, Eldrad reconfigures his body to its final, male form. Furious with finding his world dead, he states he will return to Earth to rule it.

The script is by Bob Baker and Dave Martin, who together later created K-9 for “Doctor Who”, while Bob went on to write none other than “Wallace and Gromit”!

Song of the Siren

2011-05-06T05:05:00.001+01:00

Readers with a relatively-long memory may recall, some three years ago, a two-part Telly Visions feature on model-turned-actress Lily Cole. It never crossed my mind, at the time, that one day she might pop up in “Doctor Who”, although unlikelier things have happened, but now here she is, guest-starring as villainess the Siren, in this week’s episode “The Curse of the Black Spot”. A bit of a naff title really… Considering an ex-Marks and Spencer supermodel is at the centre of the story, its designation sounds like a commercial for Clearasil or some other skin cleanser! In mythology, the Siren was a sea nymph, half-woman half-bird, who was believed to sing beguilingly to passing sailors in order to lure them to their doom on the rocks on which she sat. Would it therefore be too presumptuous to suggest that the title of this post might equally suit Saturday’s adventure? Actually, none of the titles this year, so far, have been up to much. And they’ve been extremely derivative. It’s only five years since “The Impossible Planet”, yet this year’s series opened with “The Impossible Astronaut”. “Doctor Who” fan-and-chronicler David Howe suggests on his blog that “Silence Falls” would’ve been a superior title and I agree. “Day of the Moon”, for a title, is just plain dull and perhaps influenced by “Day of the Daleks”. By the same token, “The Curse of the Black Spot” may have been inspired by “The Curse of Peladon” or “The Curse of Fenric”. The fourth episode is “The Doctor’s Wife” when we’ve not long dispensed with “The Doctor’s Daughter”. In a few years time, I’m looking forward to watching “The Doctor’s Concubine”! It’s not all bad news on the titles front, however. Episode six, “The Almost People”, sounds intriguing given the current political climate!

Lily Cole began her professional acting career in “St. Trinian’s”. I think it a little ironic that when David Tennant left “Doctor Who”, one of the first jobs he accepted was the “St. Trinian’s” sequel, “The Legend of Fritton’s Gold”. It might be considered a retrograde move especially now Lily has done the same jobs the other way round. Or maybe it’s a little snobbish to claim “Doctor Who” superior to the adventures of those riotous schoolgirls. On the other hand, “Pride and Prejudice” and “The King’s Speech” actor Colin Firth appeared in both “St. Trinian’s” films yet won awards for neither! So perhaps I’m not far out in my presumptions. The film Lily made after “St. Trinian’s” better indicates her suitability for a role in “Doctor Who”. “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” saw her teaming up with former “Monty Python” animator-turned-director Terry Gilliam. She played the role of Valentina in the film, scripted by the director with his regular writing partner Charles McKeown. As well as Christopher Plummer and Tom Waits, the film was to have co-starred Heath Ledger. Originally scheduled for a 2009 release, production was postponed after Ledger’s untimely death. Plummer played Parnassus, an immortal 1,000-year-old leader of a travelling theatre troupe that offers audience members a chance to go beyond reality through a magical mirror in his possession. Waits played the Devil, with whom the Doctor has done a deal. Cole played the Doctor’s daughter! (Another one!!) She falls foul of the Devil, when time comes to collect on the arrangement, and the troupe, which is joined by a mysterious outsider named Tony (originally Ledger), embark on a journey through parallel worlds to rescue the girl. Ledger’s role was recast with Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell portraying physically changed transformations of Ledger’s character as he travels through different dimensions.

Goosebumps

2011-05-01T16:01:00.000+01:00

The moment you’ve all been waiting for has arrived. No, not the passing of the Royal wedding, for which we’re all eternally grateful, not even the start of the thirty-second series of “Doctor Who”, the sixth if you’re a newbie, for which we’re even more beholden, but the day in which Claire Goose exposes her lovely lady lumps on television for the first time! It’s been a long time coming. She’s now 36, married and mum to Amelia. In the past, she’s posed for lads’ mags in her underwear, set our pulses racing in a nurse’s uniform, as Tina Seabrook in “Casualty”, but never before has she plucked up the courage to get her tits out. Tonight, in “Exile”, all that is about to change. It’s been described as her first ever nude scene despite wearing skimpy briefs throughout. Presumably she could’ve asked to keep her bra on if she’d felt too exposed but Claire trusted the director. It’s an important scene where the couple aren’t just having sex, something that’s seen earlier, but are making love for the first time. No doubt John Simm, her partner in the three-part serial, running on successive evenings at 9pm on BBC1, put her at ease and was very masterful!

Claire plays barmaid Mandy, a mother-of-two trapped in a lifeless marriage who embarks on an affair with a journalist called Tom (John Simm). Sacked from his job and dumped by his married girlfriend, Tom Ronstadt heads back up North to see his sister Nancy (Olivia Colman) and their father Sam (Jim Broadbent), a man nursing a dark secret but now in the grip of Alzheimer’s. Sam was originally due to be played by Pete Postlethwaite, who died in January. Jim heard the part had become available and thought, “if it was good enough for Pete, it’ll be good enough for me”! Jim’s mother had Alzheimer’s so he already knew a fair bit about it from her case. But, “Exile” is not a story about Alzheimer’s. It’s a psychological thriller about a man who can’t remember and another trying to get a secret out of him. “Exile” starts as a domestic drama, with some dark humour, but then turns into a thriller. So, there are plenty of reasons to tune in, not just the lure of seeing Claire in the altogether, although, admittedly, that is a major draw however brief, but the prospect of being entertained by some exciting television. Warden’s one to watch!

The Passing of Sarah Jane Smith

2011-04-20T07:10:00.001+01:00

I couldn’t bring myself to call this post “The Death of Sarah Jane Smith” as death is too final a word but I’m saddened to report that actress Elisabeth Sladen has passed away aged just 63 after her battle with cancer. “News at Ten” was muted when I glanced at the screen and recognised a clip from the First Series “The Sarah Jane Adventures” story “Whatever Happened to Sarah Jane Smith?”, where Sarah Jane and Maria are reunited in limbo land! I thought what on earth is this doing on the news and, in an instant, I realised. To say it took me by surprise is an understatement. “Doctor Who” actors have been dying at the rate of one a month but I didn’t expect the next one to be Elisabeth. Towards the end of last year, Graham Crowden was followed by Ingrid Pitt. At the start of this year we lost T P McKenna, who played Captain Cook in “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy”, and, after the news of Brigadier Nicholas Courtney in February, March saw the demise of “The Celestial Toymaker” Michael Gough. And now, here we are in April…

Elisabeth Sladen joined “Doctor Who” in 1973 for Jon Pertwee’s fifth and final season, in the story that also introduced the Sontarans, “The Time Warrior”. Before her first year was out, Sarah Jane saw off Daleks, dinosaurs and Ice Warriors only to watch in disbelief as the third Doctor regenerated into Tom Baker at the end of “Planet of the Spiders”. The DVD of Jon’s final regular adventure only went on sale the day before Elisabeth’s passing. A favourite image of Sarah Jane is the still featured on its cover, spider clinging to her back. She would stay with Tom for a further two-and-a-half years. One of the most memorable Sarah Jane moments came during Tom’s first year, during the seminal “Genesis of the Daleks”, when, fleeing her captors, she falls from scaffolding up which she is climbing and director David Maloney freezes her descent as the cliff-hanger! Breathtaking stuff - even if the resolution, at the start of the next episode, is a bit of a cheat. She was at her most gorgeous in “Planet of Evil” but then Elisabeth was always an extraordinarily good-looking woman.

It is often cited that Elisabeth Sladen’s Sarah Jane Smith broke the mould of “Doctor Who” companions in that she was no screaming bimbo but an investigative journalist with feminist tendencies. I’m not sure she did counteract the trend, even if that was the original intention, because there are certain requirements necessary of the sidekick in melodrama - to ask questions, get into trouble and scream in the face of danger! But Lis pulled off all of these with such great aplomb that her place in the folklore of “Doctor Who” is assured. She played other characters of course, appearing in Frank Spencer sitcom “Some Mothers do ’ave ’em” and semi-regularly in medical drama “Peak Practice”. A couple of years ago, she had the opportunity to act alongside her husband, Brian Miller, in “The Sarah Jane Adventures” Series Three story “The Mad Woman in the Attic”, one of my favourite instalments. Elisabeth also leaves behind her daughter Sadie. In the last interview I saw with her, She stated they were already filming Series Five of “The Sarah Jane Adventures” and one can only hope Elisabeth completed work on the next series and that it will air, as usual, towards the end of the year as a fitting tribute to her.

Telly Visions: Anneke Wills

2011-04-14T08:30:00.001+01:00

Despite the four decades that separate them, Anneke Wills and Billie Piper would have rather a lot to talk about if they ever met.

For starters, they are both former child stars who have played Doctor Who's female sidekick. They both won over fans of the sci-fi series with their blonde hair and thick dark lashes. And after closing the Tardis door for the last time, both turned their noses up at Hollywood.

But while 23-year-old Billie bowed out with a new £250,000 BBC role and a six-figure deal to write her autobiography, life wasn't quite so kind to Anneke.

Had anyone ever asked the Sixties star to pen her life story, they would have unveiled an astonishing tale of love and loss a thousand times more remarkable than that of former teen pop star Billie. While Billie recalls the details of her relatively brief life, Anneke is living like a hermit in a remote two-bedroom cottage on the edge of Dartmoor.

She survives on a tiny pension and knows an awful lot about fame and its pitfalls. 'If I could meet Billie now,' she says, 'I'd tell her to take the money and run. Life never quite turns out as you expect it.'

Anyone seeing the reclusive, bespectacled silver blonde woman pottering around her local Devonshire village would find it hard to believe that in her day, Anneke was at the zenith of 1960s celebrity London. Or that she was thrown out of Rada at 17 for 'behaving badly' with Edward Fox. Or that at just 18 she was pregnant with Anthony Newley's child and forced to abort it when he left her for Joan Collins.

Today, Anneke rarely goes out. She is at her happiest tending her vegetables. In a quiet corner of her garden, she has a bathtub set beneath a canopy of trees which is connected up to the kitchen sink by a hose. On summer mornings, she lies in the warm water, taking in the glorious view across the moors and reflecting on the astonishing events of her life.

The truth is that unlike Billie, who has apparently walked away from her youthful marriage to Chris Evans emotionally unscathed, the men in Anneke's life have always been her downfall. As she puts it: 'My heart has been broken several times. I have always been attracted to men who are extremely talented, beautiful and absolute bastards.'

From the start, Anneke's life was like something out of a film. The daughter of a Dutch-born Parisian catwalk model and a Harrow-educated artist descended from Elizabethan sea lord Sir Richard Grenville, she was born in 1941 in a private nursing home near Pinewood Studios. Her parents Anna and Alaric Willys (she later changed her name to Wills) had planned to buy a little house in the South of France but war in Europe put a stop to that.

Alaric, whose gambling left the family in severe debt, became a captain in the British Army and an absent figure. With no money, her mother took on a string of jobs - companion to a blind aristocrat, gardener, teacher - moving Anneke and her brother Robin around the country several times.

At the end of the war, Anna had saved a tidy sum. When Anneke's father returned, she gave it to him and he promptly fled to South Africa with his new lover.

'He left a ten-shilling note on my pillow,' recalls Anneke.

Her nomadic, bohemian childhood continued. In 1952, when she was 11 and living on a houseboat in Bray, Berkshire, she won her first role in a film called Child's Play and gave her £9 fee to her mother.

'I knew then I wanted to be an actor,' she says. 'All the other children in the film, including Peter Sallis (of Last Of The Summer Wine and Wallace and Gromit fame), were going on to drama school and I told my mother I wanted to go, too.'

She studied drama at the Arts Educational School in London and, with the pretty blonde elfin looks inherited from her mother, became one of the most employed child actresses of her generation. Early roles included a part as Roberta in the first TV version of The Railway Children in 1957.

Rada followed at 17, but she was already fast establishing her reputation as a wild child. She lost her virginity at 14 to 'a man who grabbed me in a corridor at a party'. She adds: 'I remember looking in the mirror afterwards to see if I looked any different. I knew what I was doing. I was searching for love. I wanted lots of love.'

One of her early boyfriends was Daphne du Maurier's son, Kits Browning. But Edward Fox, a year above her at Rada, was the first to steal her heart. Their relationship and her wilful attitude to staff resulted in her being asked to leave. They continued their relationship for about a year. She was flying home from Ireland after filming for four weeks with Michael Winner in 1958 when she picked up a newspaper and read that Edward had married actress Tracey Reed.

'My heart was broken,' she says. It was not for the last time. She met Anthony Newley during the filming of his cult TV series The Strange World Of Gurney Slade - she was playing one of his fantasy women.

'He took me by the hand and said: "Come on, Wills darling. You're coming home with me."'

Soon she was living in his London flat, along with Newley's mother, Grace, and his manager. 'It was pretty daring at the time,' admits Anneke. 'But I adored him. He was the most beautiful, talented, funny, sweet man. I couldn't resist him.'

During their year-and-a-half-long relationship, she helped him work on his musical Stop The World - I Want To Get Off.

'They were the happiest times,' she says, 'sitting by the piano writing songs together and I had my own little room as a studio where I could paint - mainly pictures of him and me.'

She knew he was unfaithful, but says: 'He made sure it wasn't under my nose and our little life was kept apart from all that.'

When Anneke discovered at 18 that she was pregnant, Newley took her by the hand and said: 'Darling, don't worry. I'll look after you. You'll have to clean out your studio and turn it into a nursery.'

'I was in heaven,' says Anneke. 'I started throwing myself into the earth mother role.'

Not long after that, Newley left to work in the U.S. and met Joan Collins. The first Anneke knew about it was when she found a telephone message scribbled on a pad in his manager's office. It said: 'Get Wills aborted.'

Abortion

She recalls being taken by Newley's manager to see the two psychiatrists necessary to agree to an abortion.

'No expense was spared,' she says bitterly. 'I was in shock, absolutely heart-broken. I didn't know why he had changed his mind.'

When she finally booked into a clinic in Hampstead for a Caesarean abortion at four-and-a-half months pregnant, she remembers taking a doll with her.

'It was ghastly,' she says. 'I was sobbing my eyes out.'

She moved in with her brother Robin at a flat in Paddington, but when Newley returned to London, she went round to their former home to confront him.

'There were pictures of Joan everywhere,' she says. 'It was obvious then what had happened.'

But despite abandoning her in the most cold-hearted way imaginable, Newley continued to see Anneke. 'He turned up at the flat in the middle of the night throwing stones up at the window,' she says. 'He never stopped loving me. Joan didn't know anything about it.

'There was one amusing incident when we were both having our hair cut at Vidal Sassoon - I realised with horror that Joan was sitting the other side of the mirror. Vidal was loving the drama of it. He said: "So how is Tony, Anneke?"'

Anneke felt no guilt about Joan, instead revelling in the opportunity to get her own back on the woman who had lured away her love. Within months she was pregnant again and determined this time that no one would take her baby.

'I wrote to Tony in New York and told him. I said: "It's my baby and I am not going to claim anything or mention your name. This is my baby and my life."'

By this time, while filming one of the Edgar Wallace mystery series, she had met Michael Gough, the actor who would later play Alfred the butler in four Batman films.

She was pregnant and in need of somewhere to stay and he offered her a room in his house.

'Mick absolutely loved babies,' she says. 'He wanted lots and lots. He let me have a little room and we fell in love. It didn't matter to him that I was pregnant.'

After Gough divorced his second wife, they married at Fulham register office on Valentine's Day 1965. Her daughter Polly, later adopted by Gough, had already been born and Anneke, then 21, was already pregnant again with their son, Jasper.

A year later, she was offered her role as Polly in Doctor Who, earning £90 a week - equivalent now to about £1,000 a week. It seemed to her that life couldn't have been more perfect.

'I loved Doctor Who,' she says. 'I took lessons on how to do the perfect scream without damaging my voice. I was the first sexy companion. My eyelashes were longer than my skirts.

'William Hartnell (the first Doctor) was pretty intimidating to work with, but when he was succeeded by Patrick Troughton it was so much fun.'

Even so, she confidently turned down a second series for fear of being typecast and went on to play the assistant to Anthony Quayle's criminologist in the hit series The Strange Report.

Little did she know that her professional acting career was rapidly drawing to a close.

'They were planning to film the second series in Hollywood,' she explains.

'I had two children and a husband, there was no way I could go.

'Perhaps it would be different today, but there was no way Mick would have come to Hollywood with me. I had to make a choice, but really there was no choice.'

Idyllic

Instead she travelled with Gough to Norfolk, where he was filming The Go Between with Julie Christie and Alan Bates. She found an idyllic Elizabethan farmhouse which they bought and she threw herself into motherhood and gardening.

For years they were happy, but when Gough started work at the National Theatre and returned to Norfolk only at weekends, the cracks in their marriage began to show.

'I was living a very earth mother lifestyle,' she says, 'while Mick was very theatrical and thespian. He had a terrible eye for the ladies. He started coming home less and less and we were having terrible rows.

'I had actually got what everybody said was the perfect formula for happiness - I had the husband, career, the two children and a lovely home. It should have equalled happiness, but it didn't. I felt so alone.

'For two years, I tried to keep it together. I thought I could still be Mrs Gough and an individual. But I was growing away from being his dolly bird. I was becoming a woman.'

The evening they agreed to divorce, she says, they went to bed, cried and held each other. 'We loved each other,' she says smiling. 'But we knew we couldn't continue to make each other so unhappy.'

Like Billie, who recently said she wouldn't take a penny of her ex-husband's millions, Anneke also walked away from her marriage empty-handed.

'Mick used to seethe about giving money to his first two wives,' she says. 'I told him I didn't want a penny. I said I'd rather be friends.'

In fact, what Anneke did next left friends thinking she'd gone slightly mad. While taking a course in meditation in London, she heard the controversial spiritual figure Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.

Leaving behind her 14-year-old daughter Polly, then a boarder at one of the Rudolph Steiner schools in East Sussex, she took 12-year-old Jasper to Poona in India, donned the orange robes of Bhagwan's cult followers and joined his ashram where free love was the order of the day.

'For the first few nights I cried into my pillow,' she says. 'I'd swapped my wonderful home for a mattress in a communal dormitory.

'But there were some wonderful people there - including Terence Stamp. I was a bit bored by the free love thing. I'd had enough of all that. It was the meditation I was interested in.'

She stayed from 1975 to 1981 - at one stage spending ten days blindfolded on a cushion. Later she followed Bhagwan and his disciples to a ranch in Oregon, then to Vancouver where she scraped a living cleaning houses.

It was while she was there, in December 1982, that Gough phoned to tell her that Polly, recently engaged to be married, had been killed in a car crash with her bridesmaid-to-be.

'It was gut-wrenching,' she says. 'She was about to marry a farmer's son, a lovely boy. She had her whole future ahead of her.

'She was driving home and her car hit a patch of ice and skidded into a ditch. She and her friend drowned.'

Perhaps even more poignantly, Polly died never knowing that Newley was her father. 'We never told her,' says Anneke. 'At what point do you tell a child that? Mick had adopted her. She was ours.'

She told her son Jasper, now a photographer at Sotheby's, the truth about Polly's paternity only last year. Anneke adds: 'He listened and he said: "It's no big deal."'

Newley died in 1999, without ever discussing the fact that Polly was his child with Anneke.

When her daughter was still alive, Anneke met up with Newley in New York when Gough was on stage there. 'We had dinner,' she says. 'He showed me pictures of Tara and Sacha, his children with Joan. I showed him pictures of Polly.

'He said she was beautiful, but that was it. We cooed over each other's children. It didn't feel strange to me. I always thought of Polly as mine and Mick's.

'I was devastated to lose her but I always feel that she is here with me.'

Before she finally found peace in Devon, Anneke's life was to take a few more twists and turns.

After Polly's funeral, she returned to America, paid a man $1,000 to marry her so she could get a Green Card and set up her own interior design business.

'It was very common for followers of Bhagwan to do that so we could stay in Oregon,' she explains. 'It lasted as long as it took to get the paperwork stamped - I can't even remember what he was called.'

At 50, Anneke fell in love for the last time - with a 35-year-old deep-sea diver and marine biologist. They married in 1993 in Hornby Island, Canada, where she was living in a community of artists and running an amateur dramatics group.

But after Anneke remortgaged her house to pay for him to go to drama school, he left her for a 23-year-old fellow student.

'I thought: "This is the last time my heart's going to be broken",' she says. 'I couldn't stand it any more. There have been no men for ten years now. I have no need for anyone else. I am enough in myself.'

She returned to England ten years ago, moving first to a little cottage in Purbeck, Dorset, belonging to Edward Fox, with whom she is still friends; then to Devon four years ago, to a worker's cottage on the edge of a farm.

A portrait of her ancestor Sir Richard Grenville hangs on the wall - a reminder of the roots of her remarkable life.

Her memories could undoubtedly produce several autobiographies. But not surprisingly, after so much turbulence in her life, at 65 she craves only peace now.

'I just love it here completely,' she says. 'I love going to sleep surrounded by cows. Weeks go by and I don't talk to anyone. I am perfectly happy on my own. I don't have a single regret. Out of each heartbreak, you grow.

'Isn't that what life is about?'

The intriguing story of Dr Who's sidekick by BARBARA DAVIES, Daily Mail - Last updated at 10:00, 25 July 2006

The courage of One’s convictions

2011-03-08T05:30:00.002Z

British television is in a terrible state! Michael Grade recently claimed TV to be no worse or better than in the supposed golden age but I think he’s wrong. Well, he’s been wrong before! There isn’t much that’s worth watching and when the powers-that-be secure a drama that is… what do they do with it? They throw it to the dogs before it’s barely been given a chance to attract a following. I’m talking about the new eight-part science fiction series “Outcasts”. Clearly, viewing figures must’ve fallen off sharply during broadcast of the first few episodes because the show has been shifted, after what seems like indecision, to a post-news slot on Sunday evenings. Initially, the programme was transmitted at 9pm on BBC One on Monday and Tuesday in the slots vacated by “Silent Witness”. This schedule lasted a fortnight. With four episodes released, “Outcasts” was already halfway through. With four left, surely the schedule would remain the same? No! Episode five went out in its Monday slot but, the following day, new legal-eagle drama “Silk” got underway. Glancing at the following week’s listings, there was no sign of “Outcasts” either on Monday or Tuesday! That’s because it had moved again… this time to Sunday at 10.25pm, or thereabouts (programmes following the news always start late), to a slot recently used for weekly repeats of “The Apprentice”!

The explanation for the turmoil surrounding the broadcast of “Outcasts” is simple. It’s science fiction. Nobody’s interested. It doesn’t matter. Even though, when the genre is at its best, science fiction can go a long way in explaining the human condition, programmes with a truly creative streak are still treated with utter contempt. And thus, so is the viewer. How ironic the corporation choose to advertise their online catch-up service with the slogan “Your Very Own BBC”! My very own BBC finished years ago… if it ever started. There is a pecking order of subjects where scheduling falls by the wayside if, for example, Andy Murray has an “important” tennis match (even when the outcome is a certainty) or when a rich, privileged, couple are to marry! I dare the BBC to broadcast repeats of William Hartnell episodes of “Doctor Who” at peak time on their primary channel. Or, at any time on any channel! Hell, sell them to Yesterday, like “Colditz”, if you’re never, ever, going to repeat them. Put the series on instead of the next General Election. People hate science fiction so much, there might be a better turn out at the polling stations! Of course, the BBC are never going to repeat classic “Doctor Who” when they can sell the thing on DVD at £20 a story.

So, what is “Outcasts” about and is it any good? Watch it and discover for yourself! Does the show deserve better treatment? Am I making a fuss about nothing? I’ve seen the series described as “Spooks” in space. That’s probably because Hermione Norris is in it and it’s made by the same company. Daniel Mays is in it too, so perhaps it’s “Ashes to Ashes” in space. It’s made by the same company! Ashley Walters is in it. “Hustle” in space? Jamie Bamber was in the first episode. “Law & Order: UK” in space? Both made by the same company. OK, you get the picture. Actually, “Outcasts” is more “Survivors” in space, which isn’t made by the same company. It’s not as good as “Survivors” and I’m comparing “Outcasts” with the remake. Where it does score is in the very fact that it isn’t a reworking like so many. “Doctor Who”, “Survivors”, “The Day of the Triffids”, “The Prisoner”… all tell us when the golden age of television was. “Outcasts” is something trying to be new although it contains little that wasn’t made on the cheap in “Genesis of the Daleks”… in 1975. “Genesis” is one of the best “Doctor Who” stories though. Well, it’s a little late to start following the much-more expensive, shot in South Africa, “Outcasts”, if you aren’t already, as the series finishes this Sunday and I doubt very much that it has been re-commissioned. “Outcasts” has been cast out!

Remembering the Brigadier

2011-02-24T06:43:00.002Z

Nicholas Courtney, aka Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, is sadly no longer with us… at least in person. But he has left behind an immeasurable contribution to my favourite television series, “Doctor Who”, ensuring he will never be forgotten. It all started when director Douglas Camfield cast him as Bret Vyon, opposite first Doctor William Hartnell, in the epic twelve-part story “The Daleks’ Master Plan” in the mid-Sixties. Nick and Dougie clearly had a good working relationship because when the director was hired to oversee the reconstruction of the London Underground, for the Patrick Troughton adventure “The Web of Fear”, the actor was cast as Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart, ready to battle the Yeti in those dark, dank tunnels. A year-or-so later and Lethbridge-Stewart was back, this time promoted to Brigadier, in the eight-part Cyber-infestation “The Invasion”, engaging the silver giants down in the sewers of London and on the steps of St. Paul’s. It’s surprising the term Brigadier ever became a watchword in “Doctor Who” circles because the rank is actually a demotion from Colonel! Even more ironic is that Camfield was an ex-military man and could’ve had the error in the script corrected. But, in retrospect, maybe it’s just as well the mistake was left in because it gave birth to one of the series’ most-enduring and popular characters.

By the time the second Doctor regenerated into Jon Pertwee, and black-and-white pictures gave way to colour, Nick Courtney became a regular on “Doctor Who”. The year was now 1970. The Doctor has been banished to Earth to reluctantly work as scientific advisor to military outfit UNIT, the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce, tracking all manner of alien invasion in the style of “Quatermass”! In “Inferno”, just as Patrick Troughton had as Salamander in “The Enemy of the World”, Nicholas is given the opportunity to play an evil version of the Brigadier, the Brigade Leader, resplendent in Blofeld-style eye-patch, when the Doctor ends up on a parallel Earth. A year on sees Nick given one of his most memorable lines in “The Daemons”, “Chap with wings, five rounds rapid!” His time as a regular essentially came to an end when it was time for a new producer to be appointed. “Robot”, Tom Baker’s first story was Barry Letts’ last. New producer Philip Hinchcliffe naturally had new ideas and wanted to direct the series towards a gothic influence. Nick, however, would return occasionally, seeing off the Loch Ness Monster in “Terror of the Zygons”. By the time Peter Davison was the Doctor, Alistair was teaching maths at a boarding school for boys in “Mawdryn Undead”. The twentieth anniversary adventure, “The Five Doctors”, gave the character another of those immortal lines, describing the Doctor as a “marvellous chap, all of them!”

In the final series of classic “Doctor Who”, Alistair Gordon is now retired and married to Doris, played in episodes one and four of “Battlefield” by the lovely Angela Douglas. It was rumoured, at the time, that the Brigadier was to be killed off but, luckily, has a last minute reprieve against the Destroyer. The story includes a poignantly reverberating scene where seventh Doctor Sylvester McCoy cradles his friend’s head in his hands, believing him to be dead, and calls him a “thick-headed numbskull”. The only Doctor Nick hadn’t acted with by the end of the Eighties was the sixth, Colin Baker. Producer John Nathan-Turner corrected this omission, after the show’s cancellation, with the 1993 “Children in Need” Special “Dimensions in Time”. This wasn’t to be the last appearance of the character on television. A few years ago, the Brig resurfaced aiding-and-abetting Miss Smith in the Season Two finale of “The Sarah Jane Adventures”. This story has become his swansong. Former Doctor Tom Baker remembered Nicholas Courtney as “a wonderful companion” with “a marvellous resonant voice”. Quite a legacy and to paraphrase a line from the aforementioned “Battlefield”, Nick just did the best he could!

Warden’s Watch: Primeval - Series Four, Episode Four

2011-01-19T06:43:00.001Z

“Primeval”? Unbelievable! Very watchable but totally unrealistic. It’s not the idea of a horde of rampaging deadly therocephalians breaking through a time anomaly, while on the lookout for their next meal, which I have difficulty accepting but the reality in which these fantastical notions are set. In this week’s episode, similar to the one set in a shopping mall in the second series, a Saturday morning school detention is thrown into chaos by prehistoric events as indeed they would be if only the classroom antics were remotely plausible. The synopsis in my listings guide led me to expect to see “the pupils run riot”! Well, there were only three students being punished and they all seemed pretty well behaved to me. Dickheads but models of middleclass respectability! The two lads in the trio had made a nasty smell in the chemistry lab - probably something they ate at lunch! - so, instead of the teacher encouraging their obvious enthusiasm for the subject, the poor lads get a bollocking. These days, I don’t think teenagers would be detained for such a minor misdemeanour. And, if they were, they’d probably tell the teacher to fuck off rather than give up their free morning - assuming they attend school in the first place. Then there was the wee lassie completing the group, supposedly Miss unattainable! She was a proper little madam, snotty, antisocial with her iPod (why wasn’t it confiscated?) while unattractively dressed - mixing a short skirt with leggings. I can’t imagine what the boys saw in her!

I am sick of being told, about any series, that the latest season is darker than previous efforts. Still, it was certainly the case with the latest instalment of “Primeval” - so poorly lit I couldn’t see a thing! Seriously though, the darkness was laid on with a trowel, signposted in big black letters by the early demise of the supposed school princess, while bouncing up and down on a trampoline in the gym! Two series ago, Professor Cutter rescued a little girl who went through an anomaly after her dog. She was safely returned to her stepfather, their relationship miraculously restored, but, three years later, the little bitch in the latest adventure has to die. Yup, it sure is gloomier these days chasing dinosaurs. Hannah Spearritt’s character, Abby, has also become even more of a misery guts than she used to be. In series one, she used to prance around in her knickers, better dressed then than she is now! Give her some credit though, she has stayed with the show longer than Billie Piper stayed with “Doctor Who”. And, on the plus, there is a new girl working at the Anomaly Research Centre (ARC) who, I’m happy to report, does have a keen dress sense. Ruth Kearney plays operations controller Jess Parker who is more than a distraction from all the excesses of the CGI! Whether or not she would be so impractically dressed brings me neatly back to the question of credibility though I can’t have it both ways. Make up your own minds should you choose to watch the repeat tonight at 8pm on ITV2!

Santa banter!

2010-12-22T07:01:00.000Z

I’d like to take the opportunity to wish readers of this journal a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous, or perhaps in the current economic climate that should read preposterous, New Year! Don’t worry, the ordeal will be over in a few days!! Then, we can stop kidding ourselves and get back to the real world. Why so many of us, sheepishly, centre our hopes and dreams around these few days when it might be just that little bit warmer during August, I’ll never understand. Still, the children seem to like it and that’s all that matters, right? As long as I don’t have to listen to that awesomely awful, utterly insincere, record by Mariah Carey (again), I should be able to keep my thoughts to myself.

What is there to distract each and every misery guts, like myself, on the big day?

There are at least five different versions of the Scrooge story on terrestrial television, on Christmas Day, to keep us company. If you’re up really early, you can catch “Dani’s House” at 7am on BBC2 in a seasonal repeat entitled “Scrooge Tube”. Harmer’s annoying younger screen-brother learns the true meaning of Christmas when visited by the ghosts of Christmas past.

“Scrooged” is on Channel 4 at 1pm if you prefer your comedy American. Bill Murray plays a TV executive planning a season of violence for the festive break. I still have my light blue “Get SCROOGED With BILL MURRAY” badge which I was given by a rep to promote the film back in 1988. In fact, I’m wearing it. You think I’m joshing?

Staying across the Atlantic, “The Grinch” is on ITV1 at 3.10pm. Dr Seuss’s cult children’s favourite “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” gets the big-budget Hollywood treatment in this seasonal spectacular from director Ron Howard. More detailed reviews of these two films can be found on page 82 of the current Radio Times. Other listings magazines are available.

Quintessentially British, despite originally being (partly) devised by a Canadian, “Doctor Who” is back on our screens at the Unearthly hour of 6pm on BBC1. In “A Christmas Carol” the only way the Doctor can rescue Amy and Rory, trapped on a crashing space liner, is by saving the soul of a lonely old miser played by Michael Gambon. I don’t have the foggiest what’s in the fog!

Ending up back where we started, on BBC2, “Blackadder’s Christmas Carol” is at 8.35pm. Like “Scrooged”, this special was made in 1988 but flips the traditional Dickens’ story on its head. And, if you’re in need of something with a pretty “Doctor Who” companion, this extended episode briefly features Peri actress Nicola Bryant. What more could you want?

Warden’s Watch Special: Highlights of the Year

2010-12-15T05:59:00.001Z

It hasn’t been a particularly memorable year for those of us interested in brilliantly-crafted television drama. The fifth series of new “Doctor Who” was disappointing but my expectations weren’t that high to begin with. I worried that, under Steven Moffat, the stories would become increasingly esoteric and my fears proved well-founded. One of the problems is that, creatively, the most-successful stories written by both the new Executive Producer and Mark Gatiss were the ones they wrote back in 2005 for Christopher Eccleston! It’s a bit like Ben Aaronovitch trying to top “Remembrance of the Daleks”, in the late Eighties, and coming up with the vastly-inferior “Battlefield”, itself a reworking of one of his earlier scripts. The irony is that the finest story of the year to feature the new, eleventh, Doctor, played brilliantly by Matt Smith, was one of “The Sarah Jane Adventures”! And, to compound the irony, “Death of the Doctor” was the one written by Russell!! It almost made me feel sorry he’s gone and I’m sure that that was his intention. This third story in the fourth series of “The Sarah Jane Adventures” was equalled, if not bettered, two stories later by Rupert Laight’s “Lost in Time”, a two-episode reworking of an entire twenty-six episode (“The Key to Time”) season of classic “Doctor Who”. With segments reminiscent of “Ghost Light” and “The Curse of Fenric”, and another nodding to the Hartnell historicals, the story gently acknowledged the 47th anniversary of “Doctor Who” with the dateline of the newspaper cutting which the three adventurers had initially set out to investigate.

Aside from stories set in space and time, another mainstay of 2010 has been the continuing dreamlike-investigations of American “Medium” Allison DuBois. Freeview viewers have got as far as Season Five while, if you subscribe to satellite, then you’re enjoying Season Six and, for the more impatient among us, Season Seven episodes have been materialising on the internet from the early hours of Saturday mornings for the ten weeks up to the beginning of December with the remaining six scheduled to resume in the New Year! It’s a miracle the show is still with us, having been picked up by CBS after cancellation, while other series, such as “Heroes”, have fallen by the wayside. Back in the UK, we were treated to the second, and sadly final, series of “Survivors” which I believe to be a more successful reworking of an old hit than the reincarnation and enduring saga of everyone’s favourite Time Lord. Why the BBC have picked up ITV’s “Primeval” and dumped their own is beyond me! I wasn’t as enamoured by Season Six of “Hustle”, at the beginning of the year, as I was Season Five in 2009, despite guest appearances by Brian Murphy, Colin Baker and Danny Webb. Last year it was given a new lease of life with the introduction of two new regular characters, as well as the return of a familiar face, so, by this year, the con seemed to have settled back into a familiar routine once again. On the other hand, “Spooks” has benefited from the introduction of new characters! Still not as good as when Rupert Penry-Jones led the cast, Season Nine was a distinct improvement over recent years. “Luther” was this year’s detective success story, although I’m sure there are those who preferred Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’s modernisation of “Sherlock”, but it doesn’t look as though the BBC know where to take Idris Elba’s character next as there isn’t to be a second series as such, just a couple of one-hour specials! Bizarre or what?!

The real triumphs of the year came in the form of selected repeats. I’m not talking about the endless rotation of “Inspector Morse”, “Poirot”, “A Touch of Frost” and “Foyle’s War”, for the older generation on ITV3, or the constant repetition of “The Sweeney”, “The Professionals”, “Minder” and “The Prisoner”, for real men on ITV4, as good as all these series undoubtedly are, but a couple of gems that have surfaced on Yesterday. First was a rerun of the six-part Dennis Potter serial “Lipstick on Your Collar”, originally a Channel Four conclusion to the musical trilogy begun and continued on the BBC with “Pennies from Heaven” and “The Singing Detective” but much-underrated in their shadow! Secondly, and unquestionably one of the ten best series ever to come out of Britain, the two seasons of “Colditz” have recently enjoyed a long-overdue re-screening. The first season is the most consistent, especially when dealing with the psychological aspects of imprisonment rather than boy’s own heroics, while the second suffered a smidgen after the “escape” of Edward Hardwicke’s Pat Reid though his replacement, a new character in the German ranks played with thorough viciousness by Anthony Valentine, aids the drama in delving into the infighting of Nazi politics of the time. There’s no incidental music to tell you what to think or how to feel just bloody good writing, acting and directing from the likes of “Doctor Who” stalwarts Michael Ferguson and Terence Dudley. They just don’t make thought-provoking series like “Colditz” anymore.

The Twelve Doctors

2010-12-06T04:04:00.000Z

Actor Sylvester McCoy has said he would be keen to return to “Doctor Who” for its fiftieth anniversary.

McCoy, who played the seventh Doctor from 1987 to 1989 (his last regular appearance was twenty-one years ago to the day, on 6th December), said fans wanted a multi-Doctor story to mark the programme’s golden jubilee in 2013.

Sylvester, now 67, also suggested that earlier Doctors - played by actors who have since died - could be brought back using computer technology.

“They’ve got such imaginations, they could do anything,” McCoy added. “I was a lucky little fellow to get that job,” he concluded.

Cynics may suggest Sylvester could simply be “touting for business”, to quote “Revelation of the Daleks”, but I believe he was sincere in his proposal. He doesn’t necessarily need the work. He’s participating in an Evelyn Waugh stage production well into the New Year before heading off to New Zealand to work on Peter Jackson’s “The Hobbit”. McCoy was actually down to the last two for the role of Bilbo Baggins in “The Lord of the Rings”. The other actor got it, and that was Ian Holm. Sylvester also continues to work on “Doctor Who” audio dramas so he’s keeping busy! He did once say that he shouldn’t have been in the 1996 American “Doctor Who” TV movie, not because he didn’t want to be but because they should’ve started afresh rather than change lead actors thirty minutes into the story! Introducing the concept of regeneration so early into a revamp, and to an American audience unfamiliar with the idea, was one of the reasons, he believed, the production ultimately failed. I’m curious to know how he thinks a multi-Doctor story might succeed…

And, I’m not sure how much truth there is in the notion that die-hard “Doctor Who” fans want a multi-Doctor story. They’ve not always been amongst the show’s most successful adventures. There were three official ones in the classic era of the series, “The Three Doctors”, “The Five Doctors” and “The Two Doctors” celebrating the tenth, twentieth and twenty-first anniversaries of the programme respectively. My favourite of these is the latter. It was skilfully written by Robert Holmes but let down by poor direction. Robert rejected authorship of the previous celebratory offering on the grounds that its spec included too many leading characters. While “The Five Doctors” might be fun, sharing the limelight with all your illustrious predecessors and numerous companions, and enemies, proved Holmes’s fears well-founded. “The Two Doctors” is more focused with fewer actors, and a longer playing time enables it to highlight the banter between the chosen incarnations, together with their respective companions, to greater effect. By the time we reach 2013, Matt Smith’s eleventh Doctor is likely to have regenerated into a twelfth and the problem, as Holmes saw it, will be all the more compounded.

The Countess was a Vamp

2010-11-24T06:29:00.000Z

Hammer horror actress Ingrid Pitt, best known for starring in cult classics such as “Countess Dracula”, has died at the age of 73.

The Polish-born star passed away at a hospital in south London after collapsing a few days ago.

She was regarded by many fans as the queen of Hammer Horror films.

The star’s death comes weeks after film-maker Roy Ward Baker, who directed Pitt in “The Vampire Lovers”, died at the age of 93.

Many will remember Ingrid for her two guest appearances in “Doctor Who”, particularly for her role as Queen Galleia in the Jon Pertwee story “The Time Monster” back in 1972. Her character in that story provided what almost amounted to a romantic interest for the Doctor’s nemesis, The Master, played with great panache by the late Roger Delgado. Ironic that she died on the programme’s 47th anniversary.

It’s interesting to read what she thought of the new version of “Doctor Who”… “Great stories. Acting - brilliant! Photography - superb. Effects - stunning! BUT....... I do miss the shaky sets, the Marks and Spencers wardrobe, the discontinuity. Now we are so overwhelmed by the professionalism of television that it is hard to feel connected. We are chained to the sofa while we are lasered with the latest state of the art technology. You can never tell if what you are seeing is real or the product of CGI. At least in its first incarnation you knew that the cardboard walls, Bacofoil interiors and Domestos bottle spaceships were the real McCoy. And sex! Come on now. The whole point of the Doctor is that he is far above such earthly pleasures. We aren’t even sure if, under the costume, he has the necessary equipment. After all - he is an alien.”

Bristol’s knockers!

2010-11-20T07:50:00.001Z

A US man has been arrested after an armed stand-off with police - which began when he shot his TV set because he did not like what he saw on “Dancing with the Stars”. Can’t say I blame him but couldn’t he have changed the channel or simply switched it off?

Wisconsin man Steven Cowan, 67, was allegedly upset by the performance of Bristol Palin, the daughter of politician Sarah Palin, on the celebrity dance show.

Court documents revealed that Cowan was “fed up with politics” and thought Palin “wasn’t a very good dancer”. I’m considering sending him recordings of Ann Widdecombe. And, since when did not being the best mover in the world stop someone gyrating on the box? Hasn’t he heard of the talent-free zone that is pole dancer Lady Gaga?!

Anyway, after blasting the television at his home, Cowan pointed the gun at his wife Janice. The harassed woman escaped and managed to call the cops.

Not being a country known for low-key, a SWAT team surrounded the couple’s farmhouse and negotiators eventually persuaded Cowan to give himself up. You couldn’t make this stuff up and have it believed yet the law was clearly taking the situation seriously and taking no chances!

Cowan’s wife said her husband had been drinking when he sat down to watch “Dancing with the Stars”. Well, how else is a poor guy meant to sit through such quality programming?!

When Palin began her routine, Cowan jumped up and began swearing. Steady on, old man, but I bet it’s not the first time big-breasted Bristol has elicited such a response.

Janice Cowan said Steven was upset that a political figure’s daughter was dancing on TV even though he felt Bristol had no discernible talent. Anyone can see she has at least two although they don’t necessarily make a tiptop dancer, however visually arresting!

Bruce is back!

2010-10-29T05:26:00.001+01:00

The name of the next “Batman” movie, the seventh in the series, not counting the one made in the ’60s, has been revealed. The new sequel will be called “The Dark Knight Rises” and will not be shot in 3D (thank God for that!), Christopher Nolan says. It follows the director’s previous caped crusader films, 2005’s “Batman Begins” (pictured) and 2008’s “The Dark Knight”, starring the late Heath Ledger.

UK-born Nolan, 40, told the Los Angeles Times’ Hero Complex blog he wanted “the look and feel of the film to be faithful to what has come before”. I’m assuming that doesn’t include Joel Schumacher’s “Batman and Robin”! It’s time to start a petition to bring back Katie Holmes, Mr. Cruise permitting!! “The Dark Knight Rises” is due for release on 20th July 2012.

The Vital Statistics of “Doctor Who”

2010-10-28T06:15:00.000+01:00

There’s interesting news for “Doctor Who” enthusiasts, as the television series approaches its forty-seventh anniversary, with the confirmation of a double world record for the programme…

“Doctor Who” star Matt Smith has been officially recognised as the youngest actor to take the role in the new edition of the Guinness World Records. The 2011 book also features another record for the hit show which is listed as the longest-running science-fiction TV series in the world. I’d never have guessed!

Smith, as we all know, made his debut as the Time Lord on New Year’s Day at the end of Part Two of “The End of Time” although, rather bizarrely I thought, his casting was announced in a special programme on BBC One almost a year earlier. He was just twenty-six when he filmed his first scenes last year, three years younger than Peter Davison.

“Doctor Who” has extended its own record for a lengthy run, having produced 769 episodes up to June of this year, consisting of 212 storylines plus a TV movie.

Waiting for God no longer

2010-10-22T07:40:00.000+01:00

Scottish actor Graham Crowden, known for his work on British radio, film and TV has died at the age of 87, his agent has confirmed.

Graham is perhaps best known for his roles in the Andrew Davies comedy-drama series “A Very Peculiar Practice”, in which he appeared as the often-inebriated head of a University medical practice alongside Peter Davison and David Troughton (a career high for all three actors in my opinion), and as a resident in an old people’s home, wisecracking with Stephanie Cole (currently Auntie Joan in “Doc Martin”), in BBC sitcom “Waiting for God”.

Crowden turned down the role of “Doctor Who” after the departure of Jon Pertwee, eventually playing a villain in the series opposite Tom Baker in “The Horns of Nimon”. In the picture, Graham is seen confronting Mrs Richard Dawkins, Lalla Ward, while in the background, feigning interest in-between them, is ex-“Blue Peter” presenter and sometime panellist on “The Wright Stuff” Janet Ellis.

Graham also appeared as a clergyman in Neil Jordan’s film “The Company of Wolves”, a dramatisation of Angela Carter’s take on “Little Red Riding Hood”. The actor’s agent, Sue Grantley, said he was “a lovely, lovely man”.

Topical Girl

2010-10-22T07:17:00.000+01:00

Vocalist Ari Up, of British all-girl punk band The Slits, has died aged 48 following a “serious illness”, her stepfather John Lydon has announced.

The death of the singer, real name Arianna Forster, was revealed in a statement on Lydon’s website which said she would be “sadly missed”.

Punk-reggae act The Slits were known for tracks including “Instant Hit” and “Shoplifting” as well as their cover of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”.

Debut album “Cut”, released on Island Records in September 1979, went to number thirty in the UK chart.

Full Moon

2010-10-18T07:54:00.001+01:00

Were I to watch only one hour of television this week it would have to be the second instalment of the three-part “A History of Horror” with Mark Gatiss which, in an episode entitled “Home Counties Horror”, focuses on the genre’s films from the 50s and 60s, an era dominated by Hammer Films. In the first programme, Mark covered the Universal pictures made in the States, in the 30s, recalling Bela Lugosi’s performance as “Dracula” and Elsa Lanchester’s seminal outing as “The Bride of Frankenstein” while, in next week’s final show, he will be exploring the US horror films of the late 60s and 70s such as “The Exorcist” and 1979’s “Dawn of the Dead” where four people, barricaded in a shopping mall, struggle to repel rampaging zombies. But Mark’s favourite period, and mine also, is the one covered in tonight’s documentary. Not only that, he also cites “Blood on Satan’s Claw”, made in 1971, as the era’s finest example and, again, I agree it is definitely amongst the best…

“Blood on Satan’s Claw”, ironically not from the studios of Hammer but from Tigon Pictures, stars Linda Hayden and concerns witchcraft and superstitions. Unlike in Arthur Miller’s “The Crucible”, with which it has much in common, the fears of local villagers are well-founded as Linda, playing temptress Angel Blake, attempts to seduce popular “Doctor Who” character The Master! Yes, Anthony Ainley appears as a preacher, the Reverend Arthur Fallowfield, who gives into her naked charms inside his very church. A whole host of famous faces appear in this film. Wendy Padbury, as Cathy Vespers, is ritualistically raped. Simon Williams dons 17th century period costume as Peter Edmonton while Michele Dotrice, playing Margaret, gets away from Frank Spencer! The film is extremely seductive owing, in no small part, to the direction of Piers Haggard. He is the great grand-nephew of author H. Rider Haggard, though perhaps equally famous, in his own right, as the director of Dennis Potter’s much acclaimed television serial, with musical numbers, “Pennies From Heaven”.

Another contender for the crown of best horror movie is the Peter Sasdy-directed “Taste the Blood of Dracula” from 1970 which, like “Blood on Satan’s Claw”, stars Linda Hayden as well as a certain Christopher Lee! You guessed, this one’s a Hammer horror… I did at one time know more about this studio’s films than I did “Doctor Who” simply because they were oft-repeated while I was growing up. I especially love their vampire movies and “Taste the Blood of Dracula” is the fourth in their seven-film “Dracula” cycle. Dracula doesn’t actually get to say much, except count the number of his victims, but boy is this film sensually erotic. It details three bored hypocritical aristocrats, including Geoffrey Keen from the “James Bond” films and Peter Sallis from long running sitcom “Last of the Summer Wine”, seeking ever-extreme thrills until, one night, they take on more than they bargained for in the crypt of a church. Plenty of heaving bosoms but little nudity, it is in fact James Bernard’s music score which delivers the romance with such beautifully-orchestrated melodic punch. Linda Hayden, as Alice Hargood, is the heroine to die for. I’d quite happily be bitten by her, anytime!

Finally, I would suggest another Hammer movie for the aforementioned title. It’s also another vampire film although with John Hough’s “Twins of Evil”, made in 1971, the inspiration isn’t from the pen of Bram Stoker but J Sheridan Le Fanu, albeit interpreted rather loosely. It’s one of a trilogy of films centring on the legend of the Countess Mircalla and my favourite movie to feature the much-missed Peter Cushing. Here, though, he isn’t playing Van Helsing but a witch hunter called Gustav Weil, rather in the mould of “The Witchfinder General”. The beauty of this film is in the blurring of the lines between who is the hunter and who the hunted. Good and evil are Twins of the same coin when both lead to the deaths of innocent young women (if there is such a thing!). The title, taken more literally, stars real life twins and “Playboy” playmates Mary and Madeleine Collinson, as Maria and Frieda Gellhorn, who, while undoubtedly beautiful, aren’t exactly the world’s finest actresses. The incidental music strangely makes the film feel like a western at times and, amongst the many delights on offer, concludes with the gruesome decapitation of one of the sisters! But, which one?

Following Mark’s programme on BBC Four, there is an increasingly rare chance to see the fifty-year-old Hammer film “Brides of Dracula”. Despite the title, Dracula does not appear but when a beautiful young teacher unwittingly frees the mysterious Baron Meinster, he turns the students of a school for girls into vampires. And with a synopsis like that, “Brides of Dracula” is definitely ripe for a remake! “St. Trinian’s” with fangs!! Actually, in my younger days, when one of the brides escapes the confines of her coffin and advances upon a possible victim pleading “Let me kiss you”, it scared the hell out of me. Also showing later this week, on the same channel, is Brian Donlevy in “The Quatermass Xperiment” in which the sole survivor of a British rocket’s crash is revealed to pose a deadly alien threat. At the weekend you can catch the Tigon Picture most claim is their best, apart from Mark and myself, the previously mentioned “The Witchfinder General”, filmed in 1968. It’s a disturbing tale of evil, set during the English Civil War, telling the story of Matthew Hopkins, Oliver Cromwell’s Witchfinder General as portrayed by that other bastion of horror Vincent Price. And, if you can’t get enough of Mr Gatiss, in his capacity as an actor he can be seen in a new adaptation of HG Wells’s science fiction classic “The First Men in the Moon” tomorrow evening. With a playful new twist on the original, beginning with the Apollo astronauts set to land on the Moon in 1969, an old man tells of how he and a professor were first there in 1909!

Debbie did a Stiff Pilchard

2010-09-28T09:23:00.001+01:00

I’m not a Cliff Richard fan! You wouldn’t think there was any need for me to say that. OK, I admit to buying his second Eurovision Song Contest entry, “Power To All Our Friends”, back in the early Seventies in a rare error of judgement but, no, I am not a fan of Sir Cliff. His version of the Lord’s Prayer, with Myleene Klass on backing vocals, is a strong contender for the title of Worst-Ever Single. The English language is notoriously difficult to set to music but this effort is abysmal. Lord only knows how it ever got to Number One but that’s the British record-buying public for you. No taste! Embarrassingly, I now have another confession to make. As of last Saturday, I am now the proud owner of Cliff Richard’s final film, “Take Me High”, which he made in 1973. I can hear you all collectively crying, “We don’t care when it was made! What on earth possessed you?”

Well, please bear with me as I attempt to explain. You may or may not remember but when I started this Journal’s “Telly Visions” strand, my first choice was “Doctor Who” actress Debbie Watling. In the post, I mentioned “she played the female companion throughout what is my favourite year of the science fiction series”. What I neglected to say is this season is also the most heavily depleted in the BBC archives. Most episodes featuring Deborah, as Victoria Waterfield, were junked simply due to lack of storage space, little realising their future value… and I certainly don’t mean financially to the BBC, but culturally. In the intervening years, we fans of Ms Watling have had to get our fixes of her gorgeousness from wherever we can. And one of those sources was repeat screenings, which now seem to have sadly dried up, of “Take Me High”. Long since deleted on VHS and unavailable commercially on DVD… until the Daily Mail came to the rescue on 25th September and for only 80p!

“Take Me High”, as you probably already suspect, isn’t exactly what you would call essential viewing! It has a pretty good cast that includes Arthur Daley, “Minder” star George Cole, and “Brideshead Revisited” actor Anthony Andrews. Deborah would work with the latter again on television wartime drama “Danger UXB”. “Take Me High”, however, is essentially a vehicle for Cliff, surprisingly written by “Space: 1999” author Christopher Penfold. The plot, such as it is, concerns Tim (no, not me but Mr Richard himself!), a successfully-ambitious young financier working for a London Merchant bank. But, even his happy-go-lucky attitude is severely jolted when he is sent to Birmingham instead of the promised New York for his posting! Comedy, romance and songs follow when the enterprising bank manager helps an unsuccessful restaurant compete with its rivals by introducing a new fast food - the Brumburger! Don’t ask… just be thankful that at least these 87 minutes of Debbie have survived the snip!!

When Knox’s knickers become Panettiere’s panties!

2010-09-22T07:28:00.000+01:00

The story of convicted murderer Amanda Knox, nicknamed Foxy Knoxy by certain parts of the media, is to be turned into a film, with “Heroes” actress Hayden Panettiere set to play the lead role.

US student Knox, 23, is serving a 26-year sentence after being found guilty of murdering her British housemate Meredith Kercher in 2007.

The film’s producers say Knox’s story includes the perfect elements to be transformed into a movie as it features an all-American girl involved in sex, drugs and murder.

The screenplay is being written by Wendy Battles who has worked on scripts for US TV shows such as “CSI New York”.

Telly Visions: Sophia Myles

2010-09-17T04:10:00.000+01:00

When the BBC run a themed evening, the schedule often includes no more than two programmes related to the chosen subject! So, with this criterion in mind, Monday night is Sophia Myles night!! First of all, you can see her on BBC Three at 7:45pm, straight after “Merlin”, in yet another repeat showing of an early David Tennant episode of “Doctor Who”, “The Girl in the Fireplace”. The story, as you probably all know, is written by Steven Moffat, currently trying to sell the next season of “Doctor Who” to fans in two halves of seven episodes from Easter with the remaining six to air in the Autumn, and stars Sophia, rather elegantly, in the title role of Madame De Pompadour. I think she fits neatly into the Kate Winslet mould of actresses, which isn’t intended as a criticism but a compliment. There probably isn’t a better example to showcase what she does best, than this episode, although I do think the story itself is a little overrated. Maybe her role as Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward, in Jonathan Frakes’s awful live-action version of Gerry Anderson’s “Thunderbirds”, is another fine example of Ms Myles playing posh totty!

We’ve seen Sophia on our screens all too occasionally over recent years. She was in a reasonably memorable version of “Dracula”, broadcast later in the same year as her “Doctor Who” episode during the Christmas season of 2006. Marc Warren played the Count with Sophia Myles one of his conquests, Lucy. Her innocent friend, Mina, was portrayed by Stephanie Leonidas. Timothy Spall’s son, Rafe, brought solicitor Jonathan Harker to life, so to speak! He travels to Transylvania to sell Dracula a London property but never returns hence the arrival of “Poirot” actor David Suchet as archrival Abraham Van Helsing. This one-off special possibly helped secure Sophia a leading role in the short-lived Stateside vampire-show “Moonlight”. At least it ran for a full season! Michelle Ryan wasn’t as lucky with “Bionic Woman” while Tennant’s legal eagle comedy didn’t progress beyond pilot stage. Anyway, the lovely lady in question has returned to Blighty and can be seen afresh as agent Beth, alongside Peter Firth as Section D boss Harry Pearce, avenging the death of Ros Myers, together with Richard Armitage as Lucas, in the opening episode of Series Nine of “Spooks”, on BBC One at 9pm, the second of her two appearances this coming Monday evening.

Did you see her bum, Fernando?

2010-09-09T17:40:00.000+01:00

A former bodyguard for pop star Britney Spears has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against her.

Fernando Flores, who worked on the singer’s security detail, has accused Britney of frequently parading around in the nude and having sex in front of him.

Mr Flores also claims Ms Spears caused him emotional distress by having violent quarrels with her boyfriend in front of her two children.

Flores’ lawsuit claims Spears repeatedly exposed herself to him and that he witnessed her punish her young sons with his belt and act inappropriately in front of them.

The singer’s lawyer did not comment. A lawyer for her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, called the case “baseless” and “motivated by money”.

Federline added that Flores’ lawsuit had been leaked to the media before the suit was filed - an action that “spoke for itself”.

Hearing this story gave rise to much merriment! Is someone seriously trying to tell us a man/guy wouldn’t enjoy seeing Britney naked? And not just once, but over and over! Lucky bastard!!

How come, if Britney was having sex in front of him, Fernando wasn’t offended by the sight of her naked boyfriend, as well as her? I suppose it’s conceivable she may have been masturbating alone. But, why did he hang around to watch if it isn’t his thing? And why didn’t he record it for the rest of the world to see?

Furthermore, how did Spears get hold of Flores’ belt, which presumably was holding up his trousers/pants, unless he was involved in some way? Ah, the lives of the rich and famous!

All Change?

2010-09-04T08:10:00.001+01:00

It’ll probably come as no surprise that I’m glad to see the back of “GMTV”. In Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway, ITV1’s newly-defunct breakfast show spawned the two worst-ever female presenters on British television. I think they like to think of themselves as journalists despite lacking any of the traits that just might qualify them for such a position. It didn’t matter who Phillips was interviewing, Gordon Brown or Robbie Williams, she would always conclude with a “well, alright!” She might as well have said, “now shut up, you’ve had your three minutes!” And, Lord knows how many cups of coffee Garraway consumed before going on air each morning?! She always seemed to be on some kind of adrenaline rush, ecstatic over the most trivial of things. Recently Phillips was replaced by Emma Crosby. She wasn’t as bad as the other two but irritated me, quite early on, by not getting Peter Davison’s surname right. Not once, but twice! When he returned, some months later, to promote something new, Ms Crosby was still calling him Davidson. There really is no excuse. She spent most of the final morning leaving viewers straining to see whether or not she was wearing any knickers, so short was her skirt and so ungainly her position!

The trouble is ITV are replacing “GMTV” with something that promises to be equally as tatty, “Daybreak”. The new show’s presenters have absconded from BBC One in a flurry of media speculation but my expectations are not great. I’ve never watched an entire edition of “The One Show” but have seen Adrian Chiles on “The Apprentice” spin-off and he’s just so bloody boring I can’t understand why he’s on TV at all? I’m led to believe he’s some sort of football pundit so perhaps he’s the new Eamonn Holmes. God help us. Better make sure we’re all HD ready as television these days is completely unmissable. Judging from the trailers, Chiles’ co-presenter, Christine Bleakley, looks like being about as unwelcoming as her surname suggests. The changes are entirely cosmetic. It’s like changing a channel name from Virgin1 to Channel One where the output remains the same. What’s the point? And I hear that Kate Garraway is remaining anyway, to give us insightful interviews with all the Hollywood glitterati. Lorraine Kelly keeps her 8.30am slot too, although, after seventeen years, she was noticeably absent during the final weeks of “GMTV”. This last week saw pretty Myleene Klass confidently, but superficially, sitting in for Kelly which is only worth mentioning because I refuse to post a picture of either garrulous Garraway or the preposterously pretentious Phillips.

Shower Flower

2010-08-22T04:23:00.000+01:00

Not so long ago, the Doctor, the eleventh Doctor to be precise, took up lodgings in order to sort out a bit of an alien problem on Earth, as you do! Wisely, he took the opportunity to avail himself of some of the amenities. I think he’d been playing football or something. So, our hero Matt was a bit sweaty, had mud on his knees, that sort of thing. What better way to freshen up, you might think, than to take a shower. Only problem was, when he got out the cubicle, who should he bump into but his landlord, the lesbian-loving, vampire-loving, bit-of-a-killer James Corden. Oh, dear! And all Mister Smith was wearing to protect his modesty was a towel!!

A similar thing happened to me, quite recently. I’d been driving round the track at Silverstone, one of my many manly pursuits in the quest to maintain a fit body. A hobby suggested to me by motor-racing pundit Eddie Jordan, no less. Anyway, like the good Doctor, I, too, was a little bit hot under the collar. Nothing else for it but to nip in the shower. Steaming hot, plenty of lather, soon cools you off and gets you clean. With not a care in the universe, I stepped out singing Buzzcocks’ “Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t Have Fallen in Love)”. You won’t believe it but guess who I bumped into? One thing’s for sure, I was so much luckier than Matt!

Starting Over

2010-08-13T04:28:00.000+01:00

Charlotte Church is to try to revive her chart career - but admits she is “scared” of returning to the scene.

Charlotte - who was most recently seen as a judge on BBC1’s “Over the Rainbow” - will release her first pop album in five years before the end of the year.

Miss Church has revealed the title track of her new LP - and next single - “Back to Scratch” has new resonance following the break-up of her relationship with rugby star Gavin Henson.

Charlotte has pointed out, “It became the perfect song for my situation, so I sing it with a lot of conviction.”

What the news fails to highlight is that this will, actually, only be Church’s second pop CD. I hope she has better songwriters on board, this time, than she did on her debut. Her most well-known song, “Crazy Chick”, left a lot to be desired. The lyrics rhymed “therapy” with “PhD” while the music would’ve suited her voice better in a higher key!

Charlotte is undoubtedly a very attractive woman, and reasonably talented, but whether or not the record is musically challenging remains to be seen. I look forward to hearing it later in the year. In the meantime, if she’s looking for someone new to scratch her back…

No More “Survivors” Any More!

2010-08-07T05:27:00.002+01:00

I’ve recently discovered the BBC has cancelled “Survivors” and I’m a little disgruntled to say the least! Apparently, the series was given the elbow back in April. There’s nothing like being first with the news!! I found out via a footnote to a magazine competition, of all places. I suppose the powers that be decided there might be an outcry if the cancellation of a science fiction series was announced publicly. Following the furore surrounding the “postponement” of “Doctor Who”, in 1985, the Beeb learnt quite quickly better to brush these things under the carpet, and the series came to a discreet conclusion four years later!

What’s ironic, in the case of “Survivors”, is that the British Broadcasting Corporation has only recently rushed to the aid of ITV’s science fiction show “Primeval” and saved it from the same fate. Why would they save a programme on a competing channel at the expense of one of their own? Strange! I’ve lately rewatched Series Two of “Primeval” and, in all honesty, it isn’t very good. (The worst episode was the one written by “Doctor Who” writer Paul Cornell!) Adding to the irony is the fact that both shows, the revamped “Survivors” and new creation “Primeval”, are the brainchildren of the same man, Adrian Hodges.

The BBC have made a habit of terminating fantasy shows before their natural conclusion. They invested in John Christopher’s trilogy “The Tripods” during the mid-Eighties only to cut it short after two series. Director Christopher Barry claimed the series was better than “Doctor Who”. It wasn’t but it was a nice try. The episodes set in “The City of Gold and Lead”, during Series Two, had beautiful production design. Those filmed on location were not as captivating, where usually the great outdoors aids realism, but the superior model work wasn’t enough to save the series.

A decade later and the treatment of Brian Clemens and Stephen Gallagher’s “Bugs” was appalling. Following episode seven of Series Four, viewers had to wait nearly a year to see the final three instalments. Episode ten ended on a cliff-hanger, with the kidnap of some of the team, only for the series to be cancelled so that we would never learn their fate.

“Survivors” suffered because of the delay in broadcasting the second series. It was supposed to go out last year. When it eventually reached transmission, in January this year, there was a further delay between the first and second episodes due to the BBC prioritising football over drama. Sport is more important than fiction and politics more important than sport in the gospel according to the BBC!

There was a time when dramas went out at the same time, on the same day, every week. Look at the scattered start times of the thirteen episodes comprising this year’s series of “Doctor Who”. In 1985 all thirteen began at 5:20pm and ended at 6:05. A bit early but regular at least! Every episode of the original “Survivors”, broadcast between 1975 and 1977, went out at the same time bar one. 37 out of 38 isn’t a bad strike rate!

I shall miss new “Survivors”. It was serious where new “Doctor Who” is frivolous. I’ll miss Julie Graham’s irresistible Abby Grant as she desperately searched for her missing son against the backdrop of the pandemic. I was already missing Robyn Addison as they killed off her character, Sarah, at the end of what turned out to be the penultimate episode. And, now, we’ll never find out where Tom Price was headed, having stowed away aboard the mysterious Patrick Malahide’s aeroplane!

“Doctor Who” actor’s cancer diagnosis

2010-08-06T05:12:00.001+01:00

TV star Geoffrey Hughes, who played “Coronation Street” binman Eddie Yeats, is being treated for cancer for a second time.

The 66-year-old collapsed with back pains at his home in Newport, on the Isle of Wight, on Friday.

The actor, who also starred as Onslow in BBC sitcom “Keeping Up Appearances”, was taken to hospital in Portsmouth for intense radiotherapy.

He was appointed deputy lieutenant for the Isle of Wight last year.

There’s a lovely story, dating from 1986, involving Geoffrey and, former “Doctor Who” producer, the late John Nathan-Turner. After a day’s filming on the two-part season finale, “The Ultimate Foe”, concluding the fourteen-part epic “The Trial of a Time Lord”, the cast and crew returned to the location hotel and naturally those with a strong constitution headed for the bar!

Eventually, writers Pip and Jane Baker made their excuses and retired for the night. When they came down for breakfast, the following morning, Geoffrey and John were still propping up the bar, still deep in conversation! Sounds like they were making the most of things!!

I can only wish Mr Popplewick a speedy recovery.

Television in Trash Shocker

2010-07-31T04:15:00.003+01:00

Next Wednesday, on ITV2, the younger Minogue sibling gets her own three-part fly-on-the-wall television series, “Dannii Minogue: Style Queen”.

Why?

What particular talents does Miss Minogue junior bring to enhance our viewing pleasure? Alright, we can all think of a couple… and she hasn’t been slow to exploit them. Let’s not beat about her bush here, we’re talking breasts. Or, as The Stranglers once so eloquently put it, “What was the size of her tits?”!

Well, I’m not sure how big Dannii’s boobies are and, to be perfectly honest, I don’t really care. They’re decently sized, big enough to previously model her own range of underwear and now she’s back to promote her new fashion range… and new range of perfume… and latest pop record. Yikes, she’s working incredibly hard, it must be exhausting! What with all that, having a baby, and “The X Factor”!!

I’d like to know if Dannii, or any so-called celeb, pays for the air space or is she paid for her time? I sometimes pondered that same question when “artists” appeared on “Top of the Pops” promoting their latest single, including the delightful-looking auburn-haired Minogue. Surely these slots were essentially three-minute commercials.

So, there they were, bouncing up and down, though I don’t remember the names of any of Dannii’s songs! She even admits her music has come in for some criticism, in the past, but doesn’t say whether or not she thinks it is justified. Everyone is always too busy, getting jiggy wit it, to pay any scant attention to something as unimportant as musicality!!

And, getting urgently back to the subject of scanties, I bet Dannii’s designer bra and knickers cost a bob or two even before they reach E-Bay!

If U Seek Amy

2010-07-29T06:17:00.001+01:00

If you’ve been suffering from withdrawal symptoms since Series Five of “Doctor Who” finished just over a month go… if you didn’t get around to setting your VCR to record all the episodes on original transmission… if you haven’t purchased either of the currently available DVD vanilla releases or downloaded every episode in AVI format… then help is at hand…

BBC Three takes you right back to the beginning of the Matt Smith/Steven Moffat era of “Doctor Who” this coming Friday with “The Eleventh Hour”, continuing next Tuesday and Wednesday with the second and third episodes, “The Beast Below” and “Victory of the Daleks”. This is your first chance to see it all again, from the top, since “The Big Bang” drew to its strange-but-majestic conclusion at the end of June.

You’ll be able to wonder, like you did originally, just why the Eleventh Doctor believed Amy Pond to be a real WPC when she was wearing such non-regulatory uniform! And, dramatically, why did Karen Gillan have to slip into that impossibly-tight short skirt anyway? Viewing figures?!! I constantly keep abreast of them! So settle down with another plate of frozen fish fingers and custard… and enjoy!

Who’s been a naughty Doctor?

2010-07-22T06:55:00.000+01:00

Billie Piper has confirmed she has signed up for the fourth and final series of “The Secret Diary of a Call Girl”.

Billie said, “I have an 18-month-old son now (with husband Laurence Fox), so I should probably hang out with him instead of doing a long list of sex scenes with various different men”.

The former “Doctor Who” companion admitted that, as a mother, she is starting to feel uncomfortable filming the scenes.

She joked, “Suddenly I’m starting to feel slightly guilty about putting it about”!

However, the actress revealed there are plans to develop a film of “Secret Diary”.

The Pied Piper of Swindon

2010-07-21T06:13:00.001+01:00

Billie Piper has confessed that she is embarrassed about her music career.

Piper landed her first number one with “Because We Want To” when she was fifteen but revealed that she now refuses to let people listen to her records.

“I don’t play my songs to anyone,” the Daily Star (April 10th) quotes her as saying. “It’s one of those things I lock in a box.”

Piper also ruled out working on more music in the future.

“There’s not enough money in the world to get me singing again,” she admitted. “I would be happy to turn down a million.”

The Television Set

2010-07-17T03:33:00.001+01:00

“Heartbeat” returns on Sunday evening for its final run of nine episodes to conclude its twenty-four part eighteenth series. Have no fear, this isn’t a post about to sing the praises of this easy-going show. Its demise has prompted Alison Graham, on page 51 of this week’s Radio Times, to claim that “the era of the long-running television drama is over”. In her conclusion she goes on to suggest that “maybe even “Doctor Who” should call it a day after another couple of series - there’s nothing like going out on a high”. I don’t actually think “Doctor Who” has reached anywhere near its full potential and could continue as long as there is the imagination and creativity to invent “new worlds and new civilisations”, to borrow a popular American slogan! Is Ms Graham suggesting that television drama, from here on, will become totally transient? I enjoy series with returning characters. It’s one of the reasons I prefer television to cinema.

What exactly constitutes long-running? I’ve often thought, in the back of my mind, if a series makes it to its seventh year then that show is a commercial success. Other folk may have different ideas. There are no hard and fast rules. American seasons have greater episode counts than their British counterparts. “Medium” is about to enter its seventh year of production, and seems to alternate between sixteen and twenty-two episode runs. It has reached the benchmark set by most of the series in the “Star Trek” franchise! Were “Doctor Who” to finish at the end of Matt Smith’s three-year run then Russell T Davies’s baby would achieve approximately the same. It would be a mistake for Alison Graham to assume that “Doctor Who” has been running since 1963. It was as good as off-air from the end of 1989 to early 2005. It was given a long rest and this new interpretation is but five years old. That’s not to say it won’t be rested again, when ratings eventually fall, only to be reincarnated again another day.

I’m not even sure I would’ve resurrected “Doctor Who” in the first place. It suggests a lack of new concepts and ideas where once there was an abundance. “Doctor Who” was a happy memory and RTD’s vision tainted it for me. I was forgiving when the original series presented weak stories where, now, I’m relentlessly unforgiving. Perhaps it’s because I’m older, more critical, cynical, and probably less accepting of writing that falls short. I’m a loyal personality, though, and will stand by the programme through hell and high water! I remember Alison Graham being a fan of “The Cops”, a short-lived, relentlessly grim, police drama. That appeals to one type of viewer while “Heartbeat” appeals to those who find pleasure in stories about something other than drugs and prostitution! Live and let live!! And, now that Nikki Sanderson has taken off Dawn Bellamy’s mini-skirt for the last time maybe the actress should consider joining the cast of “Doctor Who” before it’s too late!!!

In Time

2010-07-16T02:56:00.000+01:00

Production started at the beginning of the week (Monday 12th July) on the 2010 “Doctor Who” BBC One Christmas Special in which the thrilling adventures of the Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith) and newlyweds Amy Pond (Karen Gillan) and Rory Williams (Arthur Darvill) will continue in a fun-filled and heartfelt festive story.

In the grand tradition of “Doctor Who” Christmas specials, this year the show has once again attracted stellar guest stars as veteran actor Michael Gambon (“The Singing Detective”, “Cranford”) and mezzo-soprano Katherine Jenkins, in her first acting role, join the Time Lord for what might be his most Christmassy adventure yet!

Arriving on set for her first day of filming, Katherine Jenkins said, “I’m over the moon to be involved in the “Doctor Who” Christmas Special - I can’t quite believe it as it’s a part of the family tradition at the Jenkins household. I heard the news that I got the role on my 30th birthday and it was the best birthday present ever!”

About the story, lead writer and executive producer, Steven Moffat, commented, “Oh, we’re going for broke with this one. It’s all your favourite Christmas movies at once, in an hour, with monsters and the Doctor and a honeymoon and - oh, you’ll see. I’ve honestly never been so excited about writing anything. I was laughing madly as I typed along to Christmas songs in April. My neighbours loved it so much they all moved away and set up a website demanding my execution. But I’m fairly sure they did it ironically.”

Ben Stephenson, Controller, BBC Drama Commissioning, said, “Matt Smith and Karen Gillan captivated audiences in their debut series and the “Doctor Who” festive episode’s clever twist on the much loved “A Christmas Carol” will thrill BBC One viewers this year with special guest stars Sir Michael Gambon and singing sensation Katherine Jenkins joining Amy and the Doctor for an unforgettable present!”

Filming on this year’s “Doctor Who” Christmas Special continues until August.

Return of the Rani!

2010-06-30T05:00:00.001+01:00

The names of the six new narratives comprising Series Four of “The Sarah Jane Adventures”, as usual running over twelve episodes, have been detailed as follows…

4.1 & 4.2 “The Nightmare Man”
by Joseph Lidster

4.3 & 4.4 “The Vault of Secrets”
by Phil Ford

4.5 & 4.6 “Death of the Doctor”
by Russell T Davies

4.7 & 4.8 “The Empty Planet”
by Gareth Roberts

4.9 & 4.10 “Lost in Time”
by Rupert Laight

4.11 & 4.12 “Goodbye, Sarah Jane Smith”
by Gareth Roberts & Clayton Hickman

The series is expected to be the biggest and best yet (don’t they always say that?), due to the support from CBBC, and hosts some brand new villains including The Nightmare Man, The Dark Horde, Men in Black, Tudors and Nazis!

Julian Bleach, who appeared in “Doctor Who” as Davros, two years ago, and previously played The Ghostmaker in “Torchwood”, guest stars in the opening story of “The Sarah Jane Adventures” as The Nightmare Man. This new character is rumoured to be his scariest villain to date (again, don’t they always say that?)!! Will Julian be the only actor to have appeared in all three titles?

Chris talks about Who exit

2010-06-16T04:52:00.001+01:00

Actor Christopher Eccleston quit “Doctor Who” after one series because he “didn’t enjoy the environment and the culture” of the show.

Eccleston, who is about to star in BBC Four biopic “Lennon Naked”, took on the role of the Time Lord when Russell T Davies revamped “Doctor Who” in 2005.

He told the Radio Times he was proud of the show but “wasn’t comfortable” working on it.

“I think it’s more important to be your own man than be successful, so I left.” Rumours, at the time, suggested Chris had had a huge falling out with one of the directors!

Christopher Eccleston has also said he has no jealousy towards his former “Our Friends in the North” co-star Daniel Craig, who made it big as James Bond.

Eccleston said: “No, really there wasn’t. You wouldn’t cast me as Bond physically. The sexual charisma that Dan has was a huge part of it.

“And I’m a different animal. I saw him on those billboards and it was a great feeling.

“I was an obsessive Bond fan as a kid. I loved the Sean Connery Bond and Dan is just as good. Fantastic.”

Eccleston will next be seen on TV playing John Lennon, whom he called a showman, but a cripple inside. “Torchwood” and “Absolutely Fabulous” actress Naoko Mori, whom Chris has worked with previously on the “Doctor Who” episode “Aliens of London”, features as Yoko Ono.

Elsewhere, “Doctor Who” star Karen Gillan has hit back at the “uproar” over her character Amy Pond’s sexy clothing - saying feminism was not the issue any more.

Gillan said Amy did not conform to a simple “girl next door” formula - and her short skirts were typical of what young women like to wear (no contradiction there then, Karen).

The 22-year-old told the Radio Times Amy was a “strong female” who would not stand around in awe of the Doctor.

She said the relationship between Amy and the Doctor was one of equals - and she liked the fact that Amy was the one who sometimes drove the plot with her own storylines.

The NICOLA BRYANT Years 1984-86

2010-06-14T07:12:00.002+01:00

Most of my favourite “Doctor Who” companions hail from the 1960s. Carole Ann Ford was the original, back in 1963. She played Susan Foreman, the Doctor’s granddaughter, over the first ten stories. In her final story, “The Dalek Invasion of Earth”, the Doctor told her she was in need of a good smacked bottom. Perhaps that’s why she left! Anneke Wills personified dolly bird Polly, who saw Hartnell regenerate into Troughton. Poor old Pat didn’t know what hit him when she wore a t-shirt to rehearsals with the slogan “Bring back Bill” emblazoned across her chest!! When Anneke left the series to marry “The Celestial Toymaker” Michael Gough, whom some of you may know better as Bruce Wayne’s butler Alfred, her immediate successor was Deborah Watling. As Victoria Waterfield, she was adopted by the Doctor when her father was exterminated in “The Evil of the Daleks”. She left for a spot of rumpy-pumpy with David Essex in “That’ll Be the Day”!!! And, last but not least, the diminutive Wendy Padbury played squeaky-voiced computer boffin Zoë. Between takes, Padders took the occasional nap until, one day, Doctor Pat and Jamie-actor Frazer Hines decided to undo her skirt, in a church, with disastrous consequences when she woke and stood up to greet the incumbent vicar!!!!

I say “most of my favourites” because the exception to the rule is Nicola Bryant. Peri Brown joined the TARDIS crew, two decades later, in the mid-1980s. And what an entrance! Many fans assume she spent her entire time on “Doctor Who” in a bikini because of the first episode of her debut adventure, “Planet of Fire”. However, it is true that she spent some of her time in tightly fitting leotards and hot pants! In “Attack of the Cybermen” she sports a nice little bright-pink number until the Cybermen come over all caring and suggest she change into something a little warmer, more suitable for the cold climes of the tombs on Telos. Luckily, Nabil Shaban’s Sil wasn’t as thoughtful on Varos! Here Peri dons a super little bright-blue outfit for the entire serial. A couple of stories later, while opposing Laurence Payne’s Dastari’s illegal time-travel experiments, she’s back in skimpy shorts shaping up to the Sontarans in “The Two Doctors”, the excuse for her attire, this time, being that it was filmed in Seville, Spain… where it’s hot! But, hey, I didn’t mind!! I pretty much thought Peri looked perfect during the tail end of season twenty-one and for the whole of season twenty-two!!! Following the hiatus, Peri’s appearance changed for the first two stories of “The Trial of a Time Lord”. Gone was the cute bob, maybe inspired by Jenny Agutter’s hairstyle in “Logan’s Run”, to be replaced by a longer permed cut and more sensible clothes. Michael Grade had ruined everything!!!!

Almost a quarter-of-a-century after Nicola’s departure from “Doctor Who”, I’m happy to report that all is not lost! As of today, Monday, 14th June, 2010, Miss Bryant’s three-year portrayal of Peri is now available complete, to drool over as-and-when you choose, on DVD. With the release of “Planet of Fire”, partly filmed in Lanzarote… where it’s even hotter, all her adventures are, at last, available on disc. Coupled with a Special Edition of the story, on a separate disc, featuring an augmented soundtrack, “Planet of Fire” forms part of the boxed set “Kamelion Tales” and is complemented by the earlier two-part Peter Davison adventure “The King’s Demons”. At the RRP of £29.99, or even with a moderate discount, it’s fairly expensive for what is essentially six twenty-five minute episodes of “Doctor Who” but this is a special case. Well, it’s probably made of card and plastic, like all the others, but you know what I mean! Go on, be a devil, pretend you’re Mark Strickson’s Turlough, for the day, and go rescue Peri from drowning in the ocean in her pretty salmon-pink bikini!

(And, I didn’t even mention Nicola Bryant’s two best “Doctor Who” stories, “The Caves of Androzani” and “Revelation of the Daleks”!)

Warden’s Watch: Medium

2010-05-31T06:27:00.001+01:00

During 2009 the programme that became a regular viewing fixture for me was “Medium”. BBC Two ran repeats of the first four series, mostly in double bills, during the early hours of Saturday mornings. Living has shown Series Five in the UK and now Freeview viewers have a chance to see it on Virgin1. Meanwhile, in the States, Series Six has just completed airing. There are a total of 117 episodes (16, 22, 22, 16, 19, 22). While both “Heroes” and “Ugly Betty” have fizzled out after just four seasons apiece, “Medium” is quietly stronger than ever. On paper “Medium” doesn’t look as though it should work. It’s a supernatural-cum-detective-cum-domestic drama about a housewife, Allison Dubois, whose dreams help solve crimes. Sounds ludicrous but it’s terrific.

As regular readers may know, I’m not keen on kitchen sink anecdotes in fantasy stories. It’s the main reason why Steven Spielberg films aren’t a favourite of mine. Spilling milk on the wood-panelled floor adds unnecessary clutter, getting in the way of a rollicking good adventure! In “Medium”, however, the family scenario is the programme’s most interesting feature. That’s not to say the show falls down elsewhere. Dream sequences are often imaginatively constructed while the information needed to solve the criminological puzzle can be disseminated non-chronologically. It seems ironic that I can relate more easily to the domestic arrangements and traumas of this fictional American family than I could those of the Tylers in “Doctor Who”!

Cast in the lead role, in “Medium”, is Patricia Arquette, best known hitherto for her performance in Tony Scott’s “True Romance”. I suspect the original casting director, on the television series, may possibly have remembered her from “A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors”. Despite having wildly different iconography, the essential scenario of a “Medium” episode and an instalment in the “Elm Street” franchise is the same - criminal enters the dreams of the protagonist. When at home, Allison’s husband Joe is her moral compass, while, at work, District Attorney Devalos and Law Enforcement Officer Lee Scanlon perform the same function. However, it is Allison and Joe’s three daughters who invariably steal the limelight! Bridgette, the middle child, is just the right side of precocious in her curiosity over all things worldly. Maria Lark’s performance is the best I’ve ever seen by any child actor while Sofia Vassilieva, as eldest daughter Ariel, is thoughtful and stunningly beautiful. “Medium” is a marvellous mixture to mull over!

Telly Visions Special: Michelle Ryan

2010-05-25T07:07:00.000+01:00

This is an extra post for fans of Michelle Ryan mainly to let you know she will be appearing on BBC Two this Sunday morning, at 10am, as a guest on “Something for the Weekend”. Not quite sure what she’s there to promote but I’ve heard she may be returning to “EastEnders”. You’ll probably have to put up with Tim Lovejoy’s endless waffle on football but you can always leave the programme on in the background until the lovely Michelle’s appearance!

You’ve probably realised by now - my new blog-header kinda gives it away - that I enjoyed last year’s “Doctor Who” Easter Special, “Planet of the Dead”. I expected to enjoy November’s “The Waters of Mars” more, being horror based and directed by Graeme Harper, but preferred the rapport between the two leads on the red bus to the comedy robot on the red planet! Due to the prominence of said bus, “Planet of the Dead” reminded me of the Sylvester McCoy adventure “Delta and the Bannermen”, for which I’ve always held a soft spot. Both stories are great fun. However, I suspect Michelle’s episode was probably more influenced by “The Mummy Returns”. I thought David Tennant and Michelle Ryan worked extraordinarily well together and, like the relationship between Peter Davison’s Fifth Doctor and Nicola Bryant’s Peri in “The Caves of Androzani”, they left me wanting more…

Michelle is building quite a reputation for herself in the fantasy genre altogether. What with a returning role, playing a villainess, in the first series of “Merlin”, an aborted attempt, after eight episodes, to revive the “Bionic Woman”, and as one of the protagonists in Steven Moffat’s “Jekyll” it would be good to see her continue in this vein rather than return to soap land. It may be a question of needs must but that would be a shame for this fine actress. Her turn in corset drama “Mansfield Park”, alongside Billie Piper, is also worth a mention. Support Miss Ryan on Sunday!

Telly Visions: Ruth Wilson

2010-05-21T06:29:00.001+01:00

It seems a little ironic that, a few years ago, Ruth Wilson made her name playing plain “Jane Eyre” when she is clearly one of the best-looking actresses working in television today! It’s the long red hair, searing eyes, and that thing she does with her lips that make her so striking. More than a regular femme fatale!! However, with the use of theatrical cosmetics, and unflattering costumes, an actor can be made to appear dowdy where, in the everyday world, makeup would be applied to enhance one’s appearance. It seems a shame to go out of the way to make a beautiful girl look less pretty. Jane Eyre, the character, is renowned for her inner beauty but television, being mainly a visual medium, has to express this loveliness outwardly so Ruth Wilson seems perfectly cast.

I discovered recently that Ruth and I have a number of things in common. Before her breakthrough role, she read history at Nottingham University. This is the same establishment of further education I attended, though my subject was music. Whilst there she participated in amateur dramatics, as some of us do with a theatrical inclination! If we ever cross paths at least we’ll have something to talk about!! She was born in the same month as me so we’re both Capricorns. And, she’s also a big fan of American soap-cum-murder-mystery “Twin Peaks”. That revelation may go some of the way to explain why she took one of her most recent roles…

Ruth Wilson is currently appearing in two television series. On ITV1 she is 313, appearing alongside Sir Ian McKellen in the six-part remake of the 1967 cult classic “The Prisoner”. She says she took the part because of similarities to David Lynch’s earlier surreal television series “Twin Peaks”. In last Saturday’s episode, “Schizoid”, Bill Gallagher, screenwriter of the new version of “The Prisoner”, even went so far as to quote “Twin Peaks” delight of food stuffs. Perhaps it was that which made Ruth think of her childhood favourite. I’m not sure how well the new series works. It quotes the original’s catchphrases in abundance but is colder and less colourful. The interiors of Number Two’s residence, for example, are shot in a manner similar to “Blade Runner”. It may all be going on in his wife’s medicated mind but Sir Ian assures us that, unlike the end of the original series, everything will be explained in this week’s final episode.

On BBC One Ruth is playing Alice Morgan, a psychopathic genius who has murdered her parents, in the six-part classy crime thriller “Luther”. Detective John Luther is played by Idris Elba while a whole host of famous names pop up throughout the run. Eighth “Doctor Who” Paul McGann comes to blows with the lead in the first episode while Third Doctor Jon Pertwee’s son Sean battles the police from within his prison cell in the following instalment. You may recognise Suzie (“Torchwood”) Costello actress Indira Varma as Luther’s wife with whom McGann’s character is having an affair. There’s a marvellously stylish moment, near the end of part one, where Luther is holding Alice over a bridge and she invites him to “kiss me, kill me”! He should’ve reluctantly unhanded Ruth at that moment and said “be seeing you”!!

Warden’s Watch: Doctor Who - Series Five, Episodes Four to Six

2010-05-11T05:38:00.001+01:00

The new series of “Doctor Who” continues to be a mix of the good and the downright awful! Episodes four and five, “The Time of Angels” and “Flesh and Stone”, attempt to develop ideas from two of Steven Moffat’s earlier stories, the Weeping Angel statues from Series Three’s “Blink” and Alex Kingston’s River Song from the two-part library story of the Fourth Series. I like the former, not so keen on the latter! All this “sweetie” nonsense, and continued reference to “spoilers”, is a bit cringe-making. For heaven’s sake, it was only in the previous story, “Victory of the Daleks”, that the Doctor called one of the pepper pots “sweetheart”! Despite liking the statues in the Carey Mulligan episode, I’m not so sure it was a good idea to bring them back. The new story seemed to virtually ignore the original concept of what happens to an Angel’s victims. Less importantly, but nonetheless irritatingly, the Doctor loses his jacket to one of the stone beasties, at one point, then, unseen by the viewer, somehow manages to retrieve his tweed threads by the end!

The best scene in the Fifth Series, so far, came in the second part of the Weeping Angel yarn. I’d go so far as to say it’s the best scene since Jefferson’s eulogy to Scooti Manista, four years ago, in “The Impossible Planet”. I’m talking about the marvellous dialogue between the Doctor and Father Octavian upon the latter’s demise. Genuinely moving. The trouble is, it is almost immediately undermined by the ending of “Flesh and Stone”. New “Doctor Who” does this a lot. It’s afraid to capitalise on truly emotional moments. What does Moffat do? He has new companion Amy come on to the Doctor in the most ludicrous manner. We’ve been there before. Russell did all that ad nauseam… for five blooming years! I’d hoped we’d put such crassness behind us. At first I thought it was padding because the story had under run again, like the Dalek episode two weeks earlier, but its dubious purpose is to set up a ménage à trois between the Doctor, Rory and Amy exploited during the sixth episode, “The Vampires of Venice”, written by Toby Whithouse - the man behind “Being Human”, the “Doctor Who” episode “School Reunion” and the “Torchwood” episode “Greeks Bearing Gifts”.

And what a flippant beginning to the much-awaited vampire tale. It would’ve been amusing in any other drama but “Doctor Who”. We’d already had Amy as a WPC kissagram, in the opening story of the series, and so we return to the idea with the Doctor replacing the stripper at Rory’s stag night! I was hoping for some genuine gothic horror, just for once, but “The Vampires of Venice” is undermined before it has barely begun. Why does the series try so hard to be domestic just to appeal to the “EastEnders” crowd? Why doesn’t it simply be itself? It managed it for twenty-six years. I don’t buy into the notion it had to change to appeal to a modern audience. Only if said audience lacks intelligence! (There is a current series does domestic brilliantly, by the way, even though it’s ostensibly a supernatural drama. I won’t reveal its name here as I hope to devote a future post to it.) The vampires themselves were terrific looking, as you can see from the above picture - a scene reminiscent of the Haemovores breaking in through a vestry window in “The Curse of Fenric”, while their two leaders were portrayed suitably seriously until being revealed, predictably pseudo-scientifically, as “fish from space”! “They bite”!!

Telly Visions: Eliza Dushku

2010-05-01T07:07:00.000+01:00

Hello, Dolly! Eliza Dushku first aroused the interest of the viewing public playing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s young daughter, straddled across the nose cone of a Harrier Jump Jet, in James Cameron’s James Bond-esque “True Lies”. That’s a pretty titanic start to anyone’s career! However, the actress has really made her name working in American television. It’s probably fair to say that Miss Dushku became more of a household name when she became a recurring character, a semi-regular as they’re known in the television industry, in Joss Whedon’s “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” and its spin-off series “Angel”, playing a violently-wayward member of the Scooby-gang.

From a supporting role in “Buffy”, Eliza has gone on to play the lead in not one but two US series. First up was “Tru Calling” in which she inherits her mother’s gift for saving lives through reliving days at a deceased’s request. “Groundhog Day” with a pretty girl at its centre. Sounds an unlikely concept for an ongoing show and sometimes it works brilliantly, others not so. Tru works at a morgue, whilst studying to become a doctor, and each episode a dead body will suddenly turn to her from the slab and cry “help me”! The show ran for two seasons but the second was cut short. People lose interest very easily these days!! Anyone curious in seeing what it’s all about, for themselves, can find repeats on Sky Three (Freeview 11).

Reunited with Joss Whedon, Eliza Dushku is currently starring, as programmable agent Echo, in the unusual Sci-fi adventure series “Dollhouse”. Already broadcast in the States, the show returned to British television, again on ITV4 (Freeview 24), for its second season, on Wednesday, 28th April, 2010. In the first episode, “Vows” (as in wedding), after her encounter with Alpha, Echo has seemingly recovered. But, as she embarks on a long-term engagement, she begins to behave strangely. And, in the next episode, “Instinct” (as in maternal), Topher’s extraordinary abilities backfire when Echo takes too strongly to her new role as mother to a newborn baby and runs away with the child.

If you’re familiar with “Joe 90”, Whedon’s new show plays like a sexed-up version of Gerry Anderson’s Sixties’ Supermarionation series, with the added attraction of supermodels rather than models! But, the characterisations in “Dollhouse” are even less-well developed than those of either their earlier wooden counterparts or the figures of the actresses inhabiting the American show!! Still, over the course of the next thirteen weeks, I’m looking forward to uncovering any evolution of Echo and her gloriously well-endowed bunny girls!!!

Warden’s Watch: Doctor Who - Series Five, Episodes One to Three

2010-04-21T10:58:00.000+01:00

It’s “Doctor Who”, Tim, but not as we know it! The much-loved science fiction fairy tale is back and it’s still as beleaguered with problems as under its previous show-runner. On the plus side, gone are the gratuitous references to homosexuality which Russell T Davies forced upon his audience every episode - John Nathan-Turner was gay too, but didn’t see the series as the place to air a personal agenda - and, better still, gone are all the companions’ annoyingly-grating mothers. Rose, Donna, Martha - they all came with one! It’s already established, in “The Eleventh Hour”, that Amy’s parents are dead and that she lives with her aunt. We’ve never had that before in “Doctor Who”! I was also hoping new Executive Producer Steven Moffat would drop the season-umbrella idea, so poorly realised previously with Bad Wolf, Torchwood and Saxon, and keep the stories self-contained. But the crack in the wall in the first episode and again this week, at the end of “Victory of the Daleks”, coupled with Amy’s lack of memory concerning the events of “The Stolen Earth” suggest these ideas are the running themes of Series Five.

Upon his arrival, Mister Moffat indicated a desire for all things new. New Doctor, new short-skirted rather than trouser-wearing companion, ghastly new opening titles in which the actors names are almost unreadable, terribly uninspired new logo, the worst arrangement of the theme tune ever, new - better than the last one - TARDIS console room, new lick of paint for the old Police Box, and now five new impressively-oversized individually-coloured Daleks! But all these things are cosmetic. It doesn’t really matter that much which actor plays the Doctor, ask Tom Baker! What you really need are superbly-written scripts and both “The Beast Below” and the Dalek extravaganza were too short for their good ideas to be fully realised. We’ve been landed with the same format, ten stories over thirteen episodes, when we’d be better off with just six stories over those same thirteen instalments. The classic series’ four-parters were ideal in length, structured a bit like a traditional symphony. If you want superficial then forty minutes is fine but, if you’re looking for substantial, one hour forty minutes is preferable. There was never any need for this change in format when the programme originally returned in 2005. The one thing they should’ve retained they threw out with the bath water!

The “new” Executive Producer has held onto those blessed stallholders much beloved of RTD. We met them in “The Long Game”, we met them in “Gridlock”, we met them in “The Fires of Pompeii” and again in “Turn Left”, and up they popped most recently onboard the Starship UK. These villains return more often than the Daleks! The stallholder, one of many ideas “borrowed” from the JN-T era, was better realised by Peggy Mount in “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy”. Then there’s the obligatory gunk-tank, splattering all and sundry, firstly whenever there’s a Slitheen around, next getting messy in the canteen kitchen in “School Reunion”, and now hurtling down a tube into slime onboard, yes you’ve guessed it, the Starship UK! And where are the Doctor’s table manners? Compare the Tenth Doctor’s eating habits in “The Unicorn and the Wasp” with those of his successor in “The Eleventh Hour”. Both very very mucky!!! I did admire how writer Mark Gatiss managed to cram all three best things from Christopher Eccleston’s single year into a single episode, namely an historical figure, new-look Dalek and Blitz-ravaged London. Churchill was fun, the pepper pots buggered off too quickly and the Second World War setting always works in “Doctor Who”… just watch “The Curse of Fenric”!

aRTy without the Drivel!

2008-12-01T06:50:00.001Z

The beauty of a “Doctor Who” Radio Times cover is that you can admire the visual without having to listen to what passes for a script in this day and age, not unlike watching Girls Aloud or the Sugababes on television with the sound switched off!

The opening couple of minutes of “The Next Doctor”, seen twice on “Children in Need”, showed exactly where Russell’s mind is at, regarding a possible future incarnation of the lead character… and I’m talking about the Doctor, not his companion! The next Doctor’s few lines of dialogue were enough to present its audience with an identikit version of the current incumbent of the TARDIS.

I believed David Morrissey would make an interestingly swarthy Doctor, well before I knew he’d been cast in this year’s Christmas Special. When I saw him as Colonel Brandon in “Sense and Sensibility”, at the very beginning of the year, I thought there’s your man!

But, folks, like Mr. Morrissey’s immediate predecessor and his predecessor before him (that’s Chris Eccleston, if you’ve lost me!) Morrissey’s Doctor is incorrigibly rude and very up his own bottom!! RTD’s Doctors will always be characterised thus so it doesn’t really matter who the eleventh Doctor will be…

More pertinent a question is whether or not the style of writing will change radically under a new leadership, if indeed there really is a new man at the helm of “Doctor Who”. Russell, it seems, is holding onto the reigns of “The Sarah Jane Adventures” which also refuses to move forward following the introduction of… yawn… a new family. Pretty as Rani is, she has yet to make her mark!

I’m ever hopeful “The Next Doctor” will surprise me. I know David Morrissey is simply playing what’s written, and following orders like John Simm before him, but I’m praying the new arrival will still shine, despite!

Three reasons to look forward to the “Doctor Who” Christmas Special include David Morrissey, the return of the Cybermen (even despite their bastardisation, it’s about time a familiar foe was featured in a festive instalment), and the fact that part of the story was filmed in College Green in my hometown.

Who Survives(?)

2008-11-23T06:13:00.001Z

“Doctor Who” celebrates its forty-fifth anniversary today and there’s not a single programme on television to mark the occasion!

“The Bill” recently celebrated its twenty-fifth year, ITV slipping in a couple of special episodes just in the nick of time, before giving over most of its precious airspace to jungle idiocy. So, why can’t the BBC manage something similar, between dancing bouts, for its flagship science fiction series, especially now they claim it’s so popular once again? Too busy trying not to hurt the feelings of Jonathan Ross no doubt!

Ironically, the BBC are resurrecting Terry (Dalek creator) Nation’s post-apocalyptic “Survivors” tonight, based on his highly original novel and television series from the mid-Seventies. I don’t know whether I should be excited or give up the notion of ever seeing anything as remotely creative as television once was.

“Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)”, “Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons”, “Doctor Who” and now “Survivors”… what are the chances of the latter being as good, second time around, considering the quality of those other revivals when compared to their originals? The changes to the structure of the programme don’t bode well…

Two of the three lead characters of the original first season of “Survivors” are now a politically-correct shade of black while the endearingly brilliant Talfryn Thomas, as Tom Price, has morphed into Mr. chunky-hunky Max Beesley.

The new “Survivors” is brought to the Beeb by the same team who sold ITV “Primeval”. Fun as that was, the present undertaking needs to be grim.

It’ll be interesting to see how “Survivors” fares in the ratings up against the aforementioned, oh-so-popular, celebrity lunacy. I won’t hold my breath. Or, perhaps I should, given the nature of the epidemic! People want fun and what better way to have it than see people humiliated down under, credit crunching on bugs. Hopefully, “Survivors” will be intelligent, at the very least…

“Survivors” is the closest we’re going to get to “Doctor Who” (1963-89) tonight, to which I wish a very Happy Birthday!

Learning Curves

2008-10-17T03:36:00.001+01:00

Supermodel Lily Cole has made her debut on the cover of French Playboy. The Marks and Spencer model has her hair in pigtails and is wearing only white socks for the cover shoot. She is seen clutching a giant teddy bear to her breasts, strategically positioned between her legs, and is pictured above the tagline Sweet Sixties Lily Cole. Flame-haired Cole, 20, has posed for a 14-page spread inside the men’s magazine. The shoot is said to have been inspired by the cover of French musician Serge Gainsbourg’s 1971 album “Histoire de Melody Nelson”.

Even before the pictures were published, some Christian groups immediately condemned the Playboy images as degrading without actually having seen them! They have called on customers to boycott M&S, saying the store is indirectly supporting Hugh Hefner’s notorious publication by continuing to employ Cole. But a spokesman for M&S said, “It’s entirely her own choice as to what other work she accepts and we would not wish to interfere with her career.”

“St. Trinian’s” star Lily deferred her place at Cambridge University. She won a place at King’s College two years ago to study social and political sciences but took two gap years off to concentrate on her modelling career. She has now switched to the three-year history of art degree. Miss Cole is also rumoured to be dating actor Jude Law, 35, after they were spotted together in public on several occasions during the summer. And there was me, 49, thinking I was in with a chance!

Dreamy Lady

2008-10-15T04:42:00.000+01:00

The Second Season of “The Tudors” concluded recently on BBC Two and was promptly released on DVD on Monday, as was a set containing both last year’s run together with this latest offering. The total of twenty episodes reached a grisly culmination with the heartless execution of Henry VIII’s second wife Anne Boleyn. I think this was a shame! And, for all her stoicism, I expect she probably thought the same!!

Why do you think Anne’s death was a shame, Tim, I hear you all cry? Well, it means actress Natalie Dormer won’t be in the next series! History should’ve been rewritten in order to accommodate a lady with such gorgeous eyes. Some may think them narrow but that is part of her beauty. She positively smoulders.

Even when in danger of losing it, the girl kept her head! The doomed royal had Hans Matheson hear her last confession… that she hadn’t actually done anything wrong!!

Ironically, Hans, as the dastardly and corrupting Alec d’Urberville, in “Tess of the d’Urbervilles”, had donned preacher’s robes over on BBC One, whereupon one of our heroine’s milkmaid chums comments that he doesn’t look much like a man of the cloth…

Obviously, the producers of “The Tudors” thought otherwise. But, Hans could do nothing to save the lovely Natalie, despite the repeated postponement of her wanton slaying due to the late arrival of the axe man. And, I’m not talking guitar heroes here!

Tess’s Lament by Thomas Hardy

2008-09-28T07:05:00.000+01:00

I

I would that folk forgot me quite,
Forgot me quite!
I would that I could shrink from sight,
And no more see the sun.
Would it were time to say farewell,
To claim my nook, to need my knell,
Time for them all to stand and tell
Of my day’s work as done.

II

Ah! dairy where I lived so long,
I lived so long;
Where I would rise up staunch and strong,
And lie down hopefully.
’Twas there within the chimney-seat
He watched me to the clock’s slow beat -
Loved me, and learnt to call me sweet,
And whispered words to me.

III

And now he’s gone; and now he’s gone; . . .
And now he’s gone!
The flowers we potted perhaps are thrown
To rot upon the farm.
And where we had our supper-fire
May now grow nettle, dock, and briar,
And all the place be mould and mire
So cozy once and warm.

IV

And it was I who did it all,
Who did it all;
’Twas I who made the blow to fall
On him who thought no guile.
Well, it is finished - past, and he
Has left me to my misery,
And I must take my Cross on me
For wronging him awhile.

V

How gay we looked that day we wed,
That day we wed!
“May joy be with ye!” they all said
A-standing by the durn.
I wonder what they say o’us now,
And if they know my lot; and how
She feels who milks my favourite cow,
And takes my place at churn!

VI

It wears me out to think of it,
To think of it;
I cannot bear my fate as writ,
I’d have my life unbe;
Would turn my memory to a blot,
Make every relic of me rot,
My doings be as they were not,
And gone all trace of me!

Paranoid Android

2008-09-24T07:33:00.000+01:00

The Second Season of “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” has begun broadcasting in the States with a surprise piece of casting. In retrospect, the addition of Shirley Manson, lead singer of rock band Garbage, to the original team of actors shouldn’t have caught me unawares, due to the recent penchant for substituting pop stars for actresses in science fiction, but, nonetheless, I was slightly taken aback. I think that’s probably down to the fact that unlike Billie Piper, Hannah Spearritt and Kylie Minogue, Shirley Manson at least has some credibility! The difference is that Scot’s lass Shirley hasn’t built her career on a succession of namby-pamby pop hits exploiting the easily satisfied. I mean, let’s be honest, who on earth handed Billie her initial success for “Because We Want To”?!! It’s unmitigated dross. But, she wouldn’t have landed her plum role in “Doctor Who” without it! And, while Garbage isn’t exactly Beethoven, “I’m Only Happy When It Rains” is a step up from the likes of songs in the mould of “I Should Be So Lucky” or “Don’t Stop Moving”!! Some may argue each to their own, in defence of the Pied Piper, but what makes Billie anymore suitable a piece of casting, in a serious sf series, than the much-maligned Bonnie Langford? If Bonnie was wrong for “Doctor Who”, because she lacked the necessary authority, why, twenty years on, do fans who criticise her then accept someone equally suspect of wanting in gravitas?

Shirley Manson has yet to prove herself as an actress, of course, but her image, in the rock arena, is that of a tough cookie. “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” is a hard-as-nails series so it’s likely to suit her perceived persona. There’s no light relief waffle about handy hands in this show! She trained at a theatre school before joining a band so, like Billie Piper, it could be claimed Shirley is returning to her roots. In “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”, Manson plays both Catherine Weaver, the CEO of a major technology company, ZeiraCorp, and also a new type of liquid-metal terminator, T-1001, sent by SkyNet to continue the hunt for the Connor family. In addition, she sings the Blind Willie Johnson song heard in the opening scene of “Samson and Delilah”, the first episode of the new season. The episode concludes with an already much-discussed cliff-hanger in which one of the characters, about to take a leak in the men’s washroom, suddenly observes the urinal before him morph into Miss Manson! Happens to me every time I feel the call of nature!! One can only hope she managed to complete the transformation before the possibility of receiving what she herself sings about in the Garbage song “When I Grow Up”. And, before you all rush off to checkout the lyrics, let me reassure you that the guy - having royally pissed her off - is, naturally, quickly dispatched in a manner similar to one of the early death scenes in “Terminator 2: Judgment Day”.

Flower Power

2008-09-12T18:35:00.001+01:00

There I was quietly sitting there, minding my own business, when suddenly my ears pricked up on hearing the strains of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” emanating from the television set. Immediately, I looked up. I’m not one for watching commercials. Can’t stand the things if I’m honest. Someone once told me the ads are better than the programmes but I remain unconvinced. Perhaps they are, I just don’t watch the poorer shows the better advertisements, periodically, interrupt. On this occasion, however, it was worth my while. I was greeted with the telly vision that is catwalk model-turned-actress Lily Cole. She really is a stunner. I must have a thing for fiery redheads because the other lady for whom I have a burning passion is, of course, t.A.T.u.’s Lena Katina. These two gorgeous-looking young women top and tail the three hundred-picture twenty-minute slideshow you can view at the foot of this blog. If I had my very own TARDIS, I know which two ladies I’d want to be my companions and their names aren’t Billie Piper or Catherine Tate! Although, even they would be preferable to Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway!! But, why I particularly dislike those two GMTV “presenters” - journalists my arse - is the subject for another day…

The advert in question turns out to be the latest trendy promotion for the Marks and Spencer chain and, in particular, their fashion line. Set on a fairground, other attractions, besides our Lily, include sold-out classical musician-turned-pop-star-turned-television-presenter Myleene Klass and Sixties’ fashion icon Twiggy. Black model Noémie Lenoir sports two sets of natty-looking undies, not at the same time you understand! These include polka dot panties, which she wiggles in close up, and a rather fetching set of pink bra and knickers to match the candy floss on which she is nibbling. I was going to say munching but being a slim model that’s probably unlikely! I expect you can tell, I was paying especially close attention to detail!! It’s all very fast, very slick, very stylish, and unburdened with product detail - different to those commercials insistent on telling you the price of everything where you end up remembering absolutely nothing. “Fashion Fairground” simply promotes a brand. If you’d like to watch it, without sitting through numerous commercial breaks hoping for an appearance from the lovely Lily, simply click on the link on the right to my “Jukebox”! “Put on your red shoes and dance the blues”!! Watching her figure, I can tell you that, at the start, sadly, and I know it’s a missed opportunity, Lily doesn’t actually lick her lolly!!!

Warden’s Watch: Bonekickers & Spooks: Code 9

2008-08-31T07:55:00.000+01:00

The BBC doesn’t seem to be having much luck with some of its latest fantasy-drama output! I watched the first episode of “Bonekickers”, “Army of God”, on BBC One, and decided that, amongst its many faults, the series’ title is four letters too long!! I didn’t watch any more, not feeling the need to dig deeper into this illogical archaeological nonsense. I tuned in, in the first place, because “Bonekickers” is written and produced by the same team who brought us “Life on Mars”, and that series’ excellent sequel “Ashes to Ashes”. And, because Martha’s sister, from “Doctor Who”, is in it! I can only presume “Bonekickers” is an attempt to replicate “The Da Vinci Code” for television with a touch of “Indiana Jones” thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately, it appeared ludicrous and, with the inclusion of a gratuitous decapitation of a Muslim, at the hands of ex-“EastEnders” actor Paul Nicholls, over the top… I believe a second series has already been commissioned!

Hot on the heels of the BBC One disaster, and switching to BBC Three, follows “Spooks: Code 9” which I haven’t really warmed to either, although, in this case, I have stayed with the series so far. That’s probably, solely, because Georgia Moffett plays one of the MI5 operatives! I am a fan of parent series “Spooks” and especially enjoyed its Fourth Season, when the show seemed to start all over again with renewed grit and determination. The spin-off killed one of its main characters in the opening episode, obviously inspired by the notorious demise of Lisa Faulkner’s character, Helen Flynn, in the second episode of the original. “Torchwood” had already copied “Spooks”, in killing off Susie, in its debut story so, by now, it’s all getting to be rather old hat. The remaining cast of hip young things with poor diction, in “Spooks: Code 9”, includes (from left to right) Andrew Knott as Rob, Georgia Moffett as Kylie, Heshima Thompson as Jez, Liam Boyle as Charlie, Ruta Gedmintas as Rachel and Chris Simpson as Vik… Only two more episodes to go, thank goodness!

Time Lord Pensioned Off

2008-08-20T06:19:00.001+01:00

Happy 65th, Sylvester! Today (August 20th, 2008), Seventh Doctor Sylvester McCoy turns sixty-five and becomes a pensioner!! He played the Time Lord for forty-two episodes, over three seasons, between 1987 and 1989. Each of his series consisted of four three-or-four part stories divided between fourteen episodes making a total of twelve “Doctor Who” adventures in total. Sylvester reprised the role, quite substantially in 1996, in the first third of the American TV movie before handing over the mantle to Eighth Doctor Paul McGann. Bonnie Langford played companion Mel during Sylvester’s first year while Sophie Aldred joined during “Dragonfire” and stayed for the duration under the moniker “Ace”! His stories are a mixed bag but, then, that’s the case for every era of the programme. Percentage wise, the actor does pretty well in the classic stakes! I would claim that, of McCoy’s dozen tales, a third of them should be regarded as “Doctor Who” classics. Best of all is “The Curse of Fenric”, a story steeped in Norse mythology set during the Second World War. “Ghost Light” some fans find overly complex but is a lovely little thesis, disguised as costume drama, supporting the ideology of Richard Dawkins who, recently, made a brief cameo in the new version of the series. “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy” is set in a circus, partly filmed in the BBC car park and all the better for it, again inspired by Norse myth, while “Remembrance of the Daleks” opened Sylvester’s Second Season and, following a couple of shaky years, bred new life into the show.

Of the other eight titles, most are worthwhile. From Sylvester’s debut season, I’m quite partial to “Paradise Towers” and “Delta and the Bannermen”. The former is written by Stephen Wyatt who the following year went on to write “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy” and whom I consider the most imaginative of the writers of this period of the programme. “Paradise Towers” isn’t to everyone’s taste but at least the domestic element, involving older “Rezzies” (residents) feeding off the youthful female “Kangs” (colour-coded gangs), integrates better into the narrative than any of today’s offerings! “Delta and the Bannermen” is just great fun and anyone who isn’t carried along with this holiday-camp nonsense probably has no joie de vivre! “Silver Nemesis” was the 25th Anniversary story, essentially a reworking of “Remembrance of the Daleks” but with Cybermen. It did include some gritty battle sequences to contrast the humour of the good Doctor showing his usual politeness (in raising his hat) towards the present monarch whilst walking her corgis! My favourite director of the period was Alan Wareing. He was as tough as Graeme Harper, from earlier in the decade, but shied away from showing as much violence on screen. Alan helmed “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy”, which went out as the climax of Sylvester’s Second Season, as well as “Ghost Light” and the Seventh Doctor’s ironically titled swansong “Survival” which reintroduced a much-reinvigorated Master and concluded the era and classic “Doctor Who” on a high.

If I Were Davros…

2008-08-15T06:59:00.000+01:00

It’s no secret that under Russell T. Davies I’ve found “Doctor Who” to be severely lacking! Whereas “Fury from the Deep”, a six-part story from the late Sixties, carries an inspiring ecological subtext about the dangers of not replenishing the Earth’s natural resources upon bleeding them dry, modern “Doctor Who” appears to be about nothing in particular except sitting on your arse all day watching the telly on a council estate! No wonder I feel cheated!! If I wanted to watch the latter, I could tune into crap like “EastEnders” or open the back door. I want to watch the former served up as a metaphor featuring weed creatures rising up out of the sea to take their revenge with the aid of poison gas exhaling humans. I want terror not soap. So, if I was about to inherit the mantle of show runner instead of Steven Moffat, how would I go about correcting the numerous mistakes made over the last four series? How would I make “Doctor Who”? What would I do if I had the power, if I were Davros…

The first change I would make to “Doctor Who” is in doing away with the single episode story. They do not give enough time for character or plot development and have all but removed the all-important cliff-hanger from the programme. At present, each season gives the viewer ten stories over thirteen episodes. Keeping the thirteen forty-five minute episode format, I would reduce the number of stories to six, five two-parters would be followed by a concluding three-part season finale. This would also be more cost effective in that you are reducing the number of opening nights by four. Jon Pertwee’s producer Barry Letts was very aware of how best to utilise the budget over a full season.

My next major change would be to do away with the season arc. Under Russell, we’ve had Bad Wolf, Torchwood, Saxon and, most recently, the return of Rose. Without exception, all failures. Each of my six stories would be self-contained, with no linking devices. Trying to keep your audience hooked Russell’s way is doomed to failure if the final episode fails to deliver. Give your public half-a-dozen strongly written, well executed, stories, excitingly concluded, so they’ll want to return for more instead of trying to twist their arm into staying with the programme only to receive a smack in the face like the Doctor at the hands of the parody Master in “Last of the Time Lords”!

Another important change would be to do away with companion’s families. I’m sick to death of the Doctor touching base every other week, at his latest travelling partner’s domicile. It’s alright to start off with an assistant’s familial attachments, such as when Peri was introduced in “Planet of Fire”, but to keep revisiting home turf is way too safe for a series originally steeped in fear and terror. What a shame they didn’t lop off the final fifteen minutes of the concluding episode, this year, and keep it to forty-five minutes, rather than allowing the writer’s excessive over-indulgence. Reign it in, edit, do away with superfluous material. Get rid of the baggage!

One Doctor, one companion. Throughout. No regenerations unless the lead is moving on. If you promise a death, deliver! Russell promised in Season’s Two and Four and went back on his word. Rose didn’t die in battle, unfortunately, and Donna had her memory all-too-conveniently wiped! Absolutely no reset buttons, in any way, shape or form!! I would choose a different writer for each story and, if possible, none would have written for the series before. I wouldn’t insist on writing the finale myself but would like to have a stab at one of the adventures! I’ve no objection to returning monsters, the Ice Warriors - as depicted in their black and white episodes - would be welcome, and wouldn’t insist on naming new ones myself, as Russell did the Ood. I’m pretty certain Verity Lambert didn’t insist Terry Nation call his creations the Daleks!! I think the writer came up with the name all on his lonesome.

So, there you have it. My six-story plan for the next season of “Doctor Who”! I fear it may be too late to give me the job!!

Re-Make/Re-Model

2008-08-11T06:49:00.002+01:00

Television seems to milk drama series for all they are worth, these days, literally capitalising on the success of any given parent show. Just look at “Doctor Who”! Running alongside the mother series, there’s “Doctor Who Confidential”, “Totally Doctor Who” (which seems to have dematerialised this year), “Torchwood”, “Torchwood Declassified” and “The Sarah Jane Adventures”… and all from a show which is itself a remake, not an original idea as it was back in 1963. To me, this burgeoning industry doesn’t suggest imagination is alive and kicking in the new millennium! Storytelling, at least in this visual medium, has become stale.

The “creator” of this “Doctor Who” retread (I’m sure you all know his name by now!) has the audacity to claim there was never any golden age of television! If that’s the case, why have the BBC just celebrated forty years of “Dad’s Army”? Hearty congratulations to the Walmington-On-Sea platoon of the Home Guard! “Little Britain” will, hopefully, be forgotten long before it reaches such a landmark. But, why will the chief writer of the Time Lord’s soap opera adventures have spent the best part of a decade, by the time he moves on from his exalted position as show runner, bringing the series back into the public eye if it doesn’t hail from a much-loved era? It’s not a particularly creative move for a supposedly talented writer. The answer is, of course, money.

The present executive producer of “Doctor Who” has, undoubtedly, made enough cash to ensure he can now go off and write whatever he wants and not have to worry whether or not any new project will recoup its investment. Never mind having destroyed a national institution to arrive at that enviable position. The common view is that he has revived the science fiction series rather than completely bent it out of shape! Other than a fat paycheque, why remodel an old show? What would’ve been wrong in having the self-confidence to invent something dazzlingly new, thus proving his worth beyond any doubt, rather than disastrously distorting a glorious twenty-six year history? “Doctor Who”, with one or two small exceptions, would’ve been better left alone, untarnished.

Telly Visions: Kristen Bell

2008-08-07T06:15:00.000+01:00

“Heroes” seems to have the knack of casting attractive female leads. It’s better at it than, say, the revamped “Doctor Who”! Ouch!! But, it’s true. The obvious names to mention, regarding the American show, are Hayden Panettiere and Ali Larter. And, I’ve already discussed Nora Zehetner and Katie Carr in previous posts. For me, I’m sorry to say, Billie Piper will always be the female forerunner of Lil’ Chris! Although, admittedly, the Swindon lass is nowhere near as cringe worthy and tedious as that pint-sized pin brain. I can imagine Russell T. Davies mistakenly casting him, in the role of companion, had the executive producer stayed on with the Brit series. And, that would’ve been a fate worse than Adric!

The latest sex kitten on the “Heroes” block is Kristen Bell, playing cunning little vixen Elle Bishop, introduced during Season Two, and I’m pleased to see she’s to continue into the next season. I was already aware of the actress from “Veronica Mars”, which I’d wanted to see but have only recently started watching. Kristen played the title role for three seasons before it was cancelled due to poor viewing figures. Joss Whedon, best known as creator and lead writer of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, praised the writing standard of “Veronica Mars” and the pilot episode is certainly a clever little construct.

Following the cancellation of “Veronica Mars”, Kristen voiced an interest in appearing in “Heroes”, because she was a fan prior to being cast. She’s also friends with future Mr. Spock Zachary Quinto (Sylar), as well as Hayden, which no doubt wasn’t going to go against her! For my money though, Kristen has a far more interesting face than her cheerleader co-star. That’s not to say I don’t like Hayden. I do. But, Kristen is just that little bit more quirky. It was Ms. Bell’s aspect that had me interested in “Veronica Mars” in the first place! Here’s hoping “Volume Three: Villains”, of “Heroes”, will be saved by the Bell!!

Warden’s Watch: Twins of Evil

2008-08-04T04:22:00.000+01:00

It’s fifty years since the studio affectionately known as Hammer Horror began making movies to scare the panties off their busty heroines! As part of the celebrations, a few words devoted to one of the company’s finest vampire offerings, screened on BBC Two in the small hours of Saturday morning, seem appropriate. Unlike the “Dracula” series, with director John Hough’s “Twins of Evil”, released in 1971, the inspiration isn’t from the pen of Bram Stoker but J Sheridan Le Fanu, albeit interpreted rather loosely. It’s the last in a trilogy of films centring on the legend of the Countess Mircalla/Carmilla/Marcilla Karnstein, begun with “The Vampire Lovers”, continued through “Lust for a Vampire”, and my favourite movie to feature the much-missed Peter Cushing. Here, though, he isn’t playing Van Helsing but a witch hunter called Gustav Weil, rather in the mould of the “Witchfinder General”.

The beauty of “Twins of Evil” is in the blurring of lines between who is the hunter and who the hunted. Good and evil are Twins of the same coin when both lead to the deaths of innocent young women (if there is such a thing!). The title, taken more literally, stars real life twins and “Playboy” playmates Mary and Madeleine Collinson, as Maria and Frieda Gellhorn, who, while undeniably stunning to look at, aren’t exactly the world’s finest actresses. But, the young women more than visually compensate, for any minor verbal inadequacies, and contribute to making “Twins of Evil” a very stylish and sumptuous picture. Harry (credited as Robinson) Robertson’s incidental music strangely makes the film feel like a western at times and, amongst the many delights on offer, concludes with the gruesome decapitation of one of the sisters! But, which one? A gloriously gorgeous gallery and a tantalisingly titillating trailer can be found on my “Jukebox”!!

Meet Kylie!

2008-07-30T07:54:00.000+01:00

Name: Kylie Roman
Age: 22
Background: Ex-psychology student on gap year.

Reckless, fun, vulnerable, lonely, worldly-wise and pin-sharp, Kylie can outwit anyone. And, she loves to show that off. Her knowledge of psychology has given her a piercing insight into people’s defence mechanisms - she has an uncanny ability to see right through to the core of you. Her brutal honesty - about individuals and humanity - is unnerving. But she’s also a great, fearless, party girl. Some say Kylie’s brave. Others think she’s just crazy.

Redheaded Kylie brings some attitude to the “Spooks: Code 9” team and is a bit of a loose cannon, but given what she’s been through it’s hardly surprising, explains actress Georgia Moffett: “When the bomb went off, Kylie was close enough to witness the devastation. By being so close to the bomb, she got radiation sickness, so has a real sense that any day could be her last; she likes the idea of going out in a blaze of glory.”

It’s the need to make every second count that motivated Kylie to join MI5 in the first place: “Before the bomb, she couldn’t decide what she wanted to do in life,” says Georgia. “In joining MI5, she finally found her calling and reason to live - to protect her country.”

Playing this reckless character meant Georgia had plenty of action scenes and got to do many of her own stunts: “If the team have to go on a mission, Kylie is the first one there, with gun in hand. I got to do loads of running on roofs, jumping on cars and shooting; it was amazing.”

Georgia has carved a successful TV career, notching up lead roles in “The Bill”, in which she played Abigail Nixon, “Where the Heart Is” and “Bonkers”. Georgia was seen earlier this year in “Doctor Who”, as “The Doctor’s Daughter”, and also guest starred in “My Family”.

Love at First Sight

2008-07-21T06:22:00.001+01:00

It’s been highly amusing reading the press reporting of Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood’s extra-marital indiscretion. Not because I approve of him or anyone cheating on their partner but because of the sheer hypocrisy of it all. My God! Mon Dieu!! The man’s sixty-one and the girl’s only nineteen or twenty… he’s old enough to be her Grandfather… he should know better! Oh, the outrage. Every day the “Daily Mail” has gone over the same facts, and I expect it’s the same in all the tabloids… how much they’ve been drinking (and we’re not talking pots of tea here!), speculating over whether or not they’ve had sex, how Ron has painted Ekaterina Ivanova nude and, finally, how he’s fobbed her off with just nine-hundred quid on their return from Ireland to London! Lord knows how the reporters are privy to such detail. Was one of them there, actually counting out the notes for the stoned Stone? Sounds like a good few days “work”, to me, for this nubile waitress-cum-hostess! Home carers are paid just £50.55 for a thirty-five hour week!! Truth is, journalists are feeding gossip to a gullible public, both parties hungry for tittle-tattle, hacks preying on their readers’ conservatism regarding age-gap relationships. Given half the chance, they’d all be right in there with the Wood! I feel sorry for his, presumably, loyal wife, Jo. But, why is he married, in the first place, if he wants to live the footloose-and-fancy-free lifestyle?

It’s reported Ekaterina says she loves Ronnie. I wonder what she means by that? Does Ronnie love the woman he’s been married to for the past twenty-three years? And, what does he mean by love? Does Jo love Ronnie and, if she does, is she a saint? What does anyone mean when they say they love someone? Everybody has a different notion of what love is. Personally, I don’t believe in romantic love. For me, it’s a bit like religion… a crutch for the weak-minded. If you believe in God, you might just as well believe in Dracula! It all makes for terrific mythical storytelling but none of it is real. You can care about someone, care for someone, but then maybe you can care for more than one person. Most people do, in different ways. If you do believe in love, when does lust become love or vice versa? Where, exactly, is the line that you can tell one from the other? Or, is it all just instinct? By now, you’re all probably thinking, “I bet this guy’s personal relationships are terrific”!!! I’m simply stating what I see as the truth. “But, what is truth? Is truth a changing law? We both have truths. Are mine the same as yours?”, asks Pilate of Jesus, at the Messiah’s trial, in “Jesus Christ Superstar”. Tim Rice poses excellent metaphysical questions in the lyrics of this entertainment. We all, undoubtedly, have different perceptions of truth. Ronnie met a pretty young thing and took advantage. Katia met a haggard-looking but loaded rocker and, also, took advantage. Now, they have to deal with the society-imposed fallout, the consequences…

A Dirty Dozen!

2008-07-12T06:50:00.000+01:00

Starting today, and for the next three weeks, the Daily Mail are giving away a free classic serial on DVD each and every day, beginning with the first three episodes of “Pride and Prejudice”. The set includes twelve productions over eighteen discs and Andrew Davies’ adaptation is first off the shelf and out of the jacket. Never mind Colin Firth’s Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, soaked to the skin in his wet shirt, with the voluptuous Jennifer Ehle gazing on as heroine Elizabeth Bennet, the moment I prefer is when David Bamber, as Mr. Collins, shields his eyes from the semi-clad Julia Sawalha playing Liz’s flighty sister Lydia! I’m not sure I could’ve managed to avert my vision so readily! Naturally, there are a fair few written by super scribe Andrew! As well as the most famous Jane Austen televisual creation, there’s also Davies’ brilliant retelling of Charles Dickens’ “Bleak House”, again spread over two discs and structured, supposedly, soap style in fifteen episodes. This one has Gillian Anderson, Dana Scully in “The X-Files”, harbouring a secret from her husband, as the prim and proper Lady Dedlock. It also features Anna Maxwell Martin, from the “Doctor Who” episode “The Long Game”, as Little Esther and Carey Mulligan, from the same series’ “Blink”, as Ada Clare. “Torchwood” actor Burn Gorman is the disgustingly grubby Guppy singularly after the affections of mild-mannered Miss Summerson until she becomes disfigured! And, if your tastes are more murkily refined, there’s always Charles Dance as the equally repulsive lawyer Mr. Tulkinghorn.

Charles Dance, as Maxim de Winter, pursues Emilia Fox to take her as his second wife in Daphne Du Maurier’s “Rebecca”. Emilia pops up in “Pride and Prejudice” as Darcy’s sister, Georgiana, but keeps her clothes on in the Jane Austen! The things I have to remember for this blog!! Still, someone’s got to do it. I mean take their clothes off in classy drama productions! I’m sure I’m not the only one to remember!! Nudity doesn’t replace decent narrative, though, as it did in the recent Billie Piper disaster “Secret Diary of a Call Girl”. Emilia’s also in “David Copperfield”, as Clara, alongside the unfaltering Bob Hoskins as Micawber. “Harry Potter” fans will be pleased to see Daniel Radcliffe as Young Master Copperful! But, quickly returning to actresses, the lovely Daniela Denby-Ashe takes the lead in Elizabeth Gaskell’s “North & South”, as Margaret Hale, while the equally lovely Samantha Morton appears in Austen’s “Emma”, as Harriet Smith, and as the desired object Sophia Western in raunchy period piece “The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling”. Seven of the dozen titles originated on the BBC, whilst four débuted on ITV. The remaining dramatisation, E. M. Forster’s “A Room With a View”, is the only cinema release amongst the set and features Helena Bonham Carter as the impressionable Lucy Honeychurch rather than Elaine Cassidy in the recent TV version. Looks like I’m going to be camping outside Tesco’s or Smith’s over the next few weeks!

Warden’s Watch: Journey’s End

2008-07-07T09:36:00.001+01:00

Disappointment set in right from the outset of the concluding episode of the Fourth Season of Russell T. Davies’s reincarnation of “Doctor Who”. I wanted the writer to go through with the regeneration and have a brand new Doctor conclude a story begun by his predecessor. But, it wasn’t to be. In fact, instead of having no David Tennant, we were actually presented with two of the pesky fella! And, there was me wishfully thinking he was about to get another week off!! It’s not that I dislike the actor, just not overly keen on his portrayal of the character, although I’ve grown to accept it a little more over the recent series. As if to compound my dissatisfaction with the opening of the final instalment, up pops Rose’s Mum, Jackie. Lovely woman and all that, just not my cup of tea. Very convenient, too, that both Rose’s ex, Mickey, and Mrs Tyler should appear, out of the blue, armed to the teeth, guns aimed directly at the two Daleks about to exterminate the suddenly-rather-fragile Sarah Jane Smith. The suddenly-rather-comely Gwen Cooper was also saved by something hitherto unmentioned that the late Toshiko had been working on before her death. Altogether, too convenient. At least, in the case of the Doctor, the resolution of his part in the previous episode’s triple cliff-hanger had been properly set up, that the hand would have its part to play in the denouement of the adventure. The other two instances were cheats, like a whodunit in which the murderer is revealed to be someone who hasn’t appeared in the story until the moment of revelation! It’s not the first time “Doctor Who” has resolved certain demise with the Saturday morning cinema serial approach. 1985’s “The Mark of the Rani” immediately springs to mind, in which a character is inserted into the recap, at the start of the final part, rushing out of a wood to save the seemingly doomed Doctor from the clutches of dastardly death!

Just imagine how different the episode might’ve been had a new dynamic been set up by suddenly, and surprisingly, introducing us to the eleventh Doctor. It would have taken the story, and indeed the series, in a completely new and much welcomed change of direction. I suppose Russell wasn’t ready to do that just yet and, instead, presented the viewer with the ultimate tease. A simple rule of drama is the tighter you tighten the tension, when the balloon is burst, it’s more than likely to be something of a let down. Davies made it hard for the story to recover from this point in and, sadly, it didn’t. Robert Holmes turned down the offer to write “The Five Doctors”, in 1983, citing too many leading men as the reason. And, despite there being plenty of space, the console room of the TARDIS became overcrowded in “Journey’s End” through the writer’s inability to resist this shameless get-together. Because of this, the participation of Davros is restricted. The scientific schemer doesn’t reappear, after last week’s reintroduction following an absence from our screens of almost twenty years, until nearly twenty minutes into the extended second half of the story and is despatched approximately twenty-five minutes later with still over fifteen minutes to run. Yes, on second viewing, I was watching the clock. A whopping twenty-five percent of the final episode is taken up with tearful farewells, making it even more soppy than the gushing conclusion of “Doomsday”, two years ago. On the plus side, Julian Bleach was terrific as Davros and, maybe, deserved more air time considering the iconic stature of the character within the series. Unless you believe less is more which, in just about every other aspect of the production, wasn’t the case. The other standout performance, and not just here but throughout the entire Fourth Season, was that of Bernard Cribbins, a consistently strong character. I like him. I could’ve done with a little more of Eve Myles in her red sweater, too, but that’s a personal preference rather than a dramatic one! Like the two Peter Cushing movies of the Sixties, this was good Dalek material whilst being lousy “Doctor Who”.